huge progress but we are not back together

[married21years]

I am making huge progress with the wife,

she is taking to therapy and want to take ownership and responsibility



she is taking ownership of her issues and the lies and the damage she has done.

she even admitted manipulating ending the relationship in January

i am staying calm

but now she is doing so well she cant say she loves me or misses me 

and there is no commitment, and says if i move on she will understand.

i think she is feeling guilty and refuses to allow herself feelings because of the past.

she has agreed to tell the truth to a best friend o ours of the lies she has told

i have hope for the first time in a long time

i know she loves me deep down just a lot of hurt.

i have said i am happy she is taking ownership of her issues and therapy and i am genuinely happy and hopefull

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[married21years]

apparently she doesn't love me

hasn't since january

[MaroonLiquid]

apparently she doesn't love me

hasn't since january

I'm so sorry you are having to hear that.  Don't be caught off guard by this.  My wife switches back and forth also.  I believe it's easier to "feel" that way for them than deal with the reality of their behavior.  Having to tell other people the truth is scary and they don't like to look bad.  A line from Star Trek that really stuck with me in my situation that Spock said was, "The needs of the "many" (supporters in a BPD life that believe them) outweigh the needs of the "few" (the non in a BPD's life)."  It sort of made sense to me as a BPD "reality".  It's easier to get rid of one (the non) than the people they lied to.     

[turbo squash]

Don't buy into that: "I haven't loved you for the last... ." BS.

I got that line from my wife. She was telling me that she had been sick of me for months during a recent episode. After that recent three week long episode, we met to talk and for the first time in three weeks, she remained calm. During that meeting she said that she was still in love with me and was so sorry for everything. She also said that she felt so terrible about what she had done to me and did not feel right being with me anymore because I did not deserve it. Don't take it personally and give it some time.

[married21years]

thx guys

[vortex of confusion]

I have a slightly different take on the "I don't love you any more" stuff.

Before my husband and I got married 17 years ago, we attended a marriage prep course. One of the couples teaching it had been married forever (30 or 40 years). They were trying to give us all realistic expectations for marriage. One of the things that was said is that relationships have down periods. It is okay if you aren't madly in love with your partner all of the time. There may even be times when you hate each other. That is okay too as long as you both remain respectful and nice to each other until that down period passes. With somebody that has BPD traits, there is an inability to recognize that this could pass. Instead of recognizing it for what it is, a passing thing, it is communicated as though this is the way it is and this is the way it has been forever (or a long time anyway).

[married21years]

thx voc

this contradicts the statements for the last 5 months

i know she loves me, but when i show her love she recoils

when i give her attention she recoils.

we had a chat last night and she described my smothering

i said she has to discuss this in therapy.

[waverider]

pwBPD struggle with time frames, its all based on the now, even their interpretations of the now are often incorrectly interpreted.

Absolutes are simply their way of self validating their statements, they simply do not have the consistency of thought to live absolutes.

Do they even interpret the definition of love the same as others? That is debatable. It is too closely tied in with getting needs met. Need to be approved of, need to be wanted, need to be listened to, need to have someone who they would like to be like, need for stability. We all have needs, but to a pwBPD they dominate everything.

Everything else has to fit in the cracks around gratifying their own needs. That is the Disorder,

Need, impulse & gratification are motivators. Responsibility and obligation are often nothing but lip service motivators.  It is not evil, or mean, they are not bad, it just means they have BPD.

[an0ught]

apparently she doesn't love me

hasn't since january

Momentary, b&w assessment by her and representative of her emotions right now.

You know there is some truth in it - there was a lot of conflict an emotional upset. Numbnesd is not unusual then. Acknowlede what is broken, don't invalidate, JADE.

Waverider explains it perfectly.

[married21years]

we have been getting on better

last night she slipped and said i love you

and i jumped on this and asked if she ment it

she tried to back pedal

this is so hard! 

[waverider]

we have been getting on better

last night she slipped and said i love you

and i jumped on this and asked if she ment it

she tried to back pedal

this is so hard! 

Doubts and reservations are a clumsy characteristic of attempting to regulate. ie if you were completely white she would have said without a doubt, if you were completely black it would never have slipped out. She is in the grey zone, starting to doubt feelings equal fact

[married21years]

this is actually really  good progress right?



thx waverider

[waverider]

this is actually really  good progress right?



thx waverider

Probably best not to put pressure on her to clarify where she stands, as she obviously is not sure herself, and may be taken as criticism

[married21years]

everything i say is taken as criticism

i am the bad guy as i made her get therapy!

i was the one that made her open Pandora's box!

i am the one that released her demons

i am controlling her with therapy OMFG!

how do i control someone with a therapist

[an0ught]

Start of therapy is often a confusing phase. She certainly sounds confused. Don't JADE.

[Repetition]

What has worked for me(there is never a single 100% method to BPD r/s)when she says "I just dont love you", or "I am just not attracted to you"... is to remain calm and detach from that moment. What I mean by that is, when your wife slipped and said "I love you", had I been in that situation I would have just nodded. I feel anything more than a nod would invalidate her. I can see in my BPDgf when she states, "I dont love you", that she is just fighting a never ending war within her kid self... and she is just afraid, scared and alone in her mind.

When I first pushed my BPDgf to seek therapy, she said she would look into it. Fast forward 2 months, she never even moved an inch to seek out any information for Therapy. So, I did it for her. I found a place that deals with BPD and EDD, then emailed her the papers. Fast forward 2 more months, she never filled them out... only ever opened the email twice... but she would ALWAYS text every Sunday stating "I am filling them out when I get home"(after I got the silent treatment on the weekends).

When she did, finally go the first few times, she would come home in complete chaos mode. Even tho I pay for the sessions and have been going to a new T for 12 weeks, she blamed everything on me. I just detached and remained calm, watching and listening to her, for times I could validate and connect. About 5 sessions later, she came home calm... finally. We had a good week(it was last week. believe it or not) and she did actually say sorry(even if the sorry was for some small lie in the past, it was progress to me).

Lastly, if she is in the Grey about you, it is very easy to push her to paint you black. I smashed my head into the wall trying to reason/rationalize my BPDgf during her chaos phases every 2 years(we have been together 11 years), blaming my self every time before I was out of the FOG(as best I can be). I always just remember this:

-Don't take any of the mean statements personally

-Don't try and fix her

-Don't put yourself in situations you cannot mentally handle yet

-Do accept they are doing the best they can with limited capabilities

-Do learn to accept yourself as a whole and healthy person

-Do accept you can only change your own behavior

-Do educate yourself about the disorder and use what you learn (validation for me)

-Do look for the good things she does (my big one that helps me )

[married21years]

thanks she is doing better.

i am working away so it is hard.

i just want us to be on the road to being back together i know i would be a lot better at handling things if we were.

it is so hard not being able to sort this for her, i am used to fixing everything, very hard to step back as i have codependency

and i love her to bits.

[married21years]

this is me

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.

I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.

I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.

I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.

I accept sexual attention when I want love.

[an0ught]

Hi married21years,

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

is a form of b&w thinking. Making a decision and sticking with it without adjusting for fundamentally changed circumstances. The same however goes for "I beat myself up without mercy.".

You are simply human, married21years  . The solution is not in the opposite direction but in compassion with yourself and changed behavior requiring some flexibility from what you have done in the past.

i just want us to be on the road to being back together i know i would be a lot better at handling things if we were.

You can't fix "us". You can only fix yourself. That may make a difference or not. But it is the only thing you control and you control it 100%. Don't underestimate her ability to recover and do well. Worry about yourself first. 

[married21years]

good points, i just want her back in my life properly