An all new low...

[Ceruleanblue]

Today BPDh came home to take me to lunch. Sweet, huh? Well, it was until he got angry at the restaurant and humiliated me. I'm so sick of him embarrassing me in public. The restaurant was close by, so I decided to walk home, due to his anger. Well, on my walk home I started having chest pains. I have a heart condition.

I called BPDh because I was scared, but he was obviously still mad so I told him I'd figure it out. I ended up taking breaks on my walk home, sitting down, and thinking about my life with him. Once home, I laid down, but thought I should maybe go to the ER. I drove to BPDh's work, and he didn't want me to come into his office. More weirdness. I just thought I'd sit in his office, he could work, and I'd not be alone.

Because he wouldn't let me come in, he came out and sat with me and proceeded to be angry at me. He left his job before to take his ex to the ER, and they were divorcing, and he knew she was sleeping with the guy she left him for. How do I feel okay knowing he had ZERO concern for me today, but would go above and beyond with a woman who'd cheated on him, and had a boyfriend who should have taken her?

He seems to lack all normal compassion or empathy, and his grip on reality seems very "off". Lately, every conversation I have with his he says is an interrogation, and any humor I try to inject falls flat too. He slants every innocent thing I say into something ugly. When I ask for clarification, so he doesn't think I'm assuming, he says I'm interrogating him. He won't respond to most things I say.

It's like the last few days he's been triggered by something, and he's off the deep end. While I was sitting in the car with him at his office, having chest pains, he asked me to "go away for the weekend". He moved me there to be with him, and now he wants me to leave, all while I'm having chest pains? I think he was afraid taking me to the ER would have made him miss his dinner with his daughter.

The chest pains came back later this evening, and I told him if I'm gone in the morning it's because I went to the ER. He made no offer of "wake me up, I'll take you"... .nothing. This had made me realize just how ALONE I am with him. I'm beginning to think he could be not just BPD, but a sociopath. This seems like more than anger and emotional dysregulation.

How do you live with a person who views you totally negatively, lies to you to others, and doesn't even seem to care when you are sick?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, just wanted to add that I've hung out for a hour or so in his office before, no big deal. So it was weird that he didn't want me to. He's been acting very erratically the last few days. It's almost like his view of reality is not based on reality? Does that make sense? I'm pretty used to his BPD behaviors, but this is stumping me.

[Fian]

That is really sad.  Apparently when he is dysregulated, he can't even have the most basic of empathy.  What makes it worse is that you apparently don't have anyone else to call in case you do need to go to the ER.  There is always 911, but I am sure you want an option where you can admit yourself.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, he moved us closer to his job, and I haven't made friends yet. I could have asked my daughter, but I didn't want to scare her. I'd like to think he's just not compassionate when he's dysregulated, but sadly, he really never has compassion for me. When we were working on reconciling I got the flu, and instead of staying he chose to go back to his daughters where he was living.

He has huge amounts of compassion and empathy for his kids, who it seems he's totally enmeshed with, and I think he sees them as extensions of himself, so I guess that makes sense as he's super narcissistic.

The DBT seems to be helping his anger, but it sure isn't helping him have any empathy or what I'd consider basic human compassion. And the last few days it just feels like he isn't seeing or hearing what is actually going on around him. I'll say something, and he'll totally twist it. It's just mind boggling how he can do that. Not to mention frustrating.

[vortex of confusion]

   

That sounds like a tough spot to be in.

I am curious about something though. If you were having chest pains, why didn't you go straight to the ER? Is there a reason that you went to his office instead of taking yourself to the ER?

Is there a chance that he doubted whether or not you were really in pain?

I know that I have asked some difficult questions. If I were in your shoes and somebody asked me these questions, it would probably irritate the snot out of me. You were in pain. You wanted your husband. Your husband wasn't there for you. You felt alone and afraid and abandoned. I have been in that place before too. No matter how much I want my husband to be there for me, it isn't likely to happen. And if it does, I know that I can't really count on a repeat.

I guess I wonder what made you think that this time would somehow be different. If he hasn't really given you much consideration in the past, why did you think it would be different this time? It pains me to write that but reality sometimes sucks! For me, facing the reality of it all has been way more helpful than continuing to do the same things over and over and hoping that something will click in my husband and he will change.

 

[Ceruleanblue]

I didn't go to the ER because I've had this heart condition for many years. What I usually get though is where my heart races, and while it did try to do that, it was mostly just chest pain. I didn't go because it did this not long ago, and after a while it passed. BPDh has spent most of our yearly allotted money on going to therapy three times a week. He's already overextended us too, so I hate spending money on big hospital bills.

I know I shouldn't count on him AT ALL. I guess I stupidly thought this would be different than the time I had the flu, because heart issues, and chest pains can be serious. I think he believed me, he just didn't care. I'm expected to baby him and take care of him when his back goes out, but that clearly is a one way street.

If I didn't know that he dealt differently in regards to his ex, this would be so much easier to take. She had some sort of blood disorder, and he has told me before that that was much more dangerous than my heart issue. Okay! Now he's a doctor too? My SVT(fast heart rate) is scary as all get out, but unlikely to kill me. They take it very seriously at the ER though, but BPDh has never had to witness that. In fact, a lot of times, I hide health issues from him, just so I don't end up feeling badly.

Maybe it's not nice, but next time his back goes out, or he gets sick, I'm not going to baby him, and he can crawl to the bathroom by himself.

[Notwendy]

"Maybe it's not nice, but next time his back goes out, or he gets sick, I'm not going to baby him, and he can crawl to the bathroom by himself"


Consider that your body and health are your first priority, be nice to yourself. It doesn't look as if he will be concerned for you. Although you are thinking that not caring for him when he is sick isn't nice, you are not being nice to you right now.

You are already not being nice- to you. Be nice!- to you.

[formflier]

 

OK... .life/safety issues... .this is big deal.

What happens if you misdiagnose "just another heart issue"?

You are worth getting this figured out.

The great value in going to the ER while the condition is going on... .is that they can record that... .and show that to a cardiologist. 

Much better to have actual data that for you to just tell you dr what it felt like.

Leave your hubby out of it... .go to the dr... .the ER... .and get this taken care of.

YOU ARE WORTH IT... .!

When is the last time a cardiologist have evaluated you for this condition?

What are their recommendations for exercise?   As in ... .should you be walking home?

FF

[Fian]

Maybe it's not nice, but next time his back goes out, or he gets sick, I'm not going to baby him, and he can crawl to the bathroom by himself.

I do understand this feeling - it is what he deserves.  If you did this tactic with a normal person, it could help a light bulb go on in their head that they don't like being treated that way either.  But on my understanding of a person with BPD, they won't make the connection, and they will instead just use this as an argument to not help you next time.  Hard as it is, I encourage you to continue to take the high road even though he doesn't deserve it.  If he goes 3 times a month to a therapist then can you contact the therapist and ask him/her to discuss this with him?

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, I'll surely be bringing this up in marriage therapy, but not sure it will help. I told this therapist how hurt I was that BPDh left me alone when I was super sick in bed with the flu, and went back to his daughter's house(we were reconciled but he hadn't moved back yet). Our T sort of played it off as men not being caretakers like women. I get that, but BPDh goes way beyond the normal fact that males aren't caretakers like women, plus the fact that I know he treated his ex the exact opposite. It just baffles me.

The way I found out what my heart condition is was by being rushed to the hospital while I was having an episode 15 years ago. They inject something via an IV that stops the heart briefly, and if that doesn't work, they can shock you. I've only ever had the IV thing done, but the whole thing is terrifying. My chest pains I don't think are associated with my heart condition, but I do need a checkup. I've had some weird stuff going on. I'm only 47, and other than this heart thing, and anxiety, I'm in great health.

I do know taking the higher ground is the way to go, but darn, if he gets sick again, I'm seriously not going to baby him. I know he won't make the connection, but so what. I'm not going to keep giving him what he won't give me. If he were having chest pains, of course I'd help him, take him to the ER, unlike his lack of concern for me. But if he gets another cold where he's all whiney, and expects tons of sympathy, it's not happening.

I've spent way too much time being so loving to this man who doesn't seem to give a crap about me.

[formflier]

plus the fact that I know he treated his ex the exact opposite. It just baffles me.

How do you know this? 

Yes... .this is baffling if we try to apply "our" logic to it.  My understanding of BPD logic says that this means he likes you... .loves you more.

He treated his ex better... .but... .she is an ex.  He... .for some reason... .felt less need to push her away.

I've spent way too much time being so loving to this man who doesn't seem to give a crap about me.

Well written... .he doesn't "seem" to care... .but you know he does.  He has an odd way of expressing it.

FF

[Thread]

  is all I can say