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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Am I a bad person for just wanting to wash my hands of him and be done?  (Read 371 times)
WrennyJen

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Living together, 6 years
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« on: May 23, 2015, 11:31:36 AM »

So my BPDex and I are in the middle of yet another recycle.  I've been ready to be done for a while but I stayed because he had just gotten a job and has severe social anxiety... .this meant, of course, that he is being extremely dependen on me and needy.  Well, he has pretty much lost his job because of no-call no-shows because he was afraid walk in the door and I am beyond angry at him.  I am not by any means downplaying anxiety because I have family members who suffer from it.  But his anxiety doesn't keep him from gigging (he's a musician) or going out with friends.  Our entire relationship, he has been a huge strain on me financially.  When he had money he was more than willing to share but he was unemployed for probably 80% of our relationship.   So I ended up paying for everything. Food, gas, his habits... .because frankly, when he doesn't smoke weed or drink he is intolerable.  I've been planning to leave but today he is super vulnerable and down because of the job.  And I just want to not care and leave.  Because I am so angry.  He could have kept his job.  I know this.  Maybe a day or two he legitimately was not able to walk in the door.  But he called in on days when he just didn't want to go.  Am I a bad person for just wanting to wash my hands of him and be done?  Because I can't support him anymore.  And he says I won't but it always ends up that way.  Also, I'm afraid because he is super unstable and i don't want him to hurt me or my family.  I don't know what to do.  
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ZeusRLX
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 196



« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2015, 11:40:44 AM »

No, it's your decision to make.

Why do you feel this makes you a bad person?

If you're serious about leaving, consider cutting him off and not giving in to any of his pleas. What he is doing is manipulating you into staying.

Don't allow him to do that.

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fromheeltoheal
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2015, 12:38:21 PM »

Excerpt
Am I a bad person for just wanting to wash my hands of him and be done?

You are what you say you are.  It's really good to look at the connection you make between taking care of yourself and 'bad'; that probably has a history long before you met him.  And letting someone suck us dry is ultimately self-destructive, but we do it because we're getting something out of it; what might that be for you?  Giving in hopes of getting?  Getting a sense of superiority and control from being the savior?  Replaying old patterns of putting other people first at your own expense?

Selfishness gets a bad rap, but really, if we don't take care of ourselves first we have nothing to give.  Think about a flight attendant on an airplane, who says if oxygen masks descend, put yours on first before you help children and others.  If we don't fill ourselves up first we have nothing to give.

And I obviously don't know this guy, but can you do better than someone who's unstable, unemployed, broke, debilitatingly anxious and dealing with it all with chemicals?  We all seek our own level in relationships, and is that yours?

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WrennyJen

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Relationship status: Living together, 6 years
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« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2015, 01:22:30 PM »

I guess I would have to say that he manipulates my view of my feelings about taking care of myself as being bad.  Because I'm not taking care of him when I do that.  I do know that I have issues with co-dependence because my mom died when I was 16 and I helped raise my younger siblings.  I really want to get into therapy because I know that being with him is unhealthy and I'm not taking care of me.  He never wanted me to get therapy, I think because he knows set their advice would be for me to leave for my own health and safety.
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fromheeltoheal
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2015, 01:34:15 PM »

I guess I would have to say that he manipulates my view of my feelings about taking care of myself as being bad.  Because I'm not taking care of him when I do that.  I do know that I have issues with co-dependence because my mom died when I was 16 and I helped raise my younger siblings.  I really want to get into therapy because I know that being with him is unhealthy and I'm not taking care of me.  He never wanted me to get therapy, I think because he knows set their advice would be for me to leave for my own health and safety.

Good awareness!  Borderlines need to be in control in relationships, to manage how far or how close emotionally their partner is, and manipulating your perception of how you feel about yourself is a handy way to do that.  It's not malicious mind you, it's survival.  And of course, people will only manipulate us as much as we let them, and it will never change with him, so your only choice is to decide how long you want to put up with it; self-preservation can seem cold, but sometimes it has to be when who we're with isn't doing any preserving of us.  Have you made a plan?  What about your safety?
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WrennyJen

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Relationship status: Living together, 6 years
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« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2015, 05:48:25 PM »

I do know this, that self-preservation is more important, and I have come to this conclusion before with him.  Unfortunately, he knows just how to push my buttons to make me want to help him, even when I despise him.  My issue. 
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WrennyJen

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Relationship status: Living together, 6 years
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« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2015, 05:53:20 PM »

 Every time I leave I say "I'm never doing this again."  And then it all starts again.  My sister compared him to an addiction for me.  I scoffed at first but then I started thinking about it.  I help him even when I don't want to.  Helping him hurts me and those around me. I'm afraid of him and I know that I will most likely end up hurt, but I still keep coming back.  Scary.  I wish there was a 12 step program for this. 

I don't have a plan in place.  He knows where my family lives so I'm hesitant to stay with them.  He hates them because they know the truth about him.  I know I could find a friend to stay with for a while but my main issue is work.  One time before he came to my job and made a scene and I can't have that again.  I could call the police on him, I just hesitate to get him in trouble.  But maybe he needs the wake-up call.  I know that I can get through this I'm just afraid of his temper... .and maybe the process too.  I hate seeing his calls and texts and pleading to just talk to him. 
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fromheeltoheal
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2015, 06:00:26 PM »

I do know this, that self-preservation is more important, and I have come to this conclusion before with him.  Unfortunately, he knows just how to push my buttons to make me want to help him, even when I despise him.  My issue. 

Yes, I've been in that place too.  There are really two options: stay with him and create enough strength to establish and maintain strong boundaries, which will be met with a strong backlash from him no doubt, or take you buttons so far away from him that he can't push them, and work on button-protection on your own as you take your power back and get stronger.  And of course the third option is don't make any changes and keep helping someone you despise, and you wouldn't be here talking about it if you were willing to settle for that one.
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fromheeltoheal
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #8 on: May 23, 2015, 08:45:45 PM »

Every time I leave I say "I'm never doing this again."  And then it all starts again.  My sister compared him to an addiction for me.  I scoffed at first but then I started thinking about it.  I help him even when I don't want to.  Helping him hurts me and those around me. I'm afraid of him and I know that I will most likely end up hurt, but I still keep coming back.  Scary.  I wish there was a 12 step program for this.  

I don't have a plan in place.  He knows where my family lives so I'm hesitant to stay with them.  He hates them because they know the truth about him.  I know I could find a friend to stay with for a while but my main issue is work.  One time before he came to my job and made a scene and I can't have that again.  I could call the police on him, I just hesitate to get him in trouble.  But maybe he needs the wake-up call.  I know that I can get through this I'm just afraid of his temper... .and maybe the process too.  I hate seeing his calls and texts and pleading to just talk to him.  

Yes, it's common here for folks to say the relationship felt like an addiction, and digging into that to see where that drive comes from is very beneficial.  Healthy love is a slow burn that strengthens with time, where relationships with borderlines are unsustainable and weaken with time, yet we need to look at our part, we were half of the relationship and we were volunteers, so why did we stay?  Chasing a buzz in my case, trying to get back to the bliss of the beginning, driven by an urge and a belief that I had to do something or something differently to have her come back to me emotionally, when in a healthy relationship all I would need to do is be who I am.  Where does that belief come from and how do I change it?  Owning that has been where all the growth has been, along with setting healthy boundaries and removing other unsupportive people from my life, why I put up with some sht amazes me, but it's never too late to grow up, and going there has been the gift of the relationship for me.

Anyway, leaving my ex was easy, I just left, and she tried contacting me randomly for about 9 months after and finally stopped, and I was so done that the last time I spoke to her or saw her was the day I left.  There are lots of folks here who had challenges similar to yours though, and can probably help with plans, backup plans, getting law enforcement involved, whatever.  It's not pretty sometimes and you have to be extra vigilant in protecting yourself, so we're told.

There's also blocking all the channels of communication if you're sure you're done, that way you won't be subjected to his pleas, and with time, once the fog clears and you get some of your power back, his pleas will be much less affecting for you.  Take care of you!
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