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Author Topic: What effects did your BPDx have on your health?  (Read 5620 times)
dagwoodbowser
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« on: May 24, 2015, 11:21:31 AM »

I have always been very intuned with my body. Since the age of 12 I was always involved in some sort of sports activity and also started working with weights at that time. By the time I was 18 I was doing bodybuilding as well as taking various vitamins and supplements. I guess you could say due to my Mom's Hippie views I grew up to be a health nut. However, since an early age I have suffered from occasional bouts of depression and now that I am in middle age I have developed hypertension that for the most part was well controlled with small doses of medication.

During the infatuation phase of my r/s with my now BPDx I experienced all the "positive" symptoms of Love. The butterflys, the giddiness and that anxious drive to want to see and spend time with her. I would say the first year was perfect. In the months that progressed Dr. Jekyll could no longer subdue Ms. Hyde. Like many here I began to be cautious about what I did or said. The whole walking on egg shells thing. The lies began to pile up and that inner gut sense that she was being deceptive had my spider senses on high. Then the first B/U occurred followed by a recycle. This pattern of highs and lows, B/U's and make ups played havoc on my health.

Besides diving into more frequent, deeper bouts of depression I began to experience anxiety. Not just the normal type of anxiety that we all have here and there, this was the type of anxiety that I had not ever experienced before. Almost a sense of terror, dredd and sheer panic. Panic and anxiety was really never a part of my life. My blood pressure which I had well controlled was now so out of control that my Dr. doubled my dose as well as added an additional medicine that had terrible side effects on me. By the time the final B/U occured I was a physical and emotional wreck and had my first warning stroke which numbed part of my left hand. While it's probably not an overall good thing, I did lose over 25 pounds and I am the thinest I'ever been and most everyone has noticed.

What sort of physical effects did your BPD'x have on you and your health?
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enlighten me
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« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2015, 11:31:13 AM »

With my ex wife I was popping antacids like sweets. After splitting up my constant heartburn dissapeared.

With my exgf it was depression. I was on the verge of going to the doctors for anti depressants. Fortunately I left her before I did that.
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« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2015, 12:14:17 PM »

I've always been a pretty muscular person. My weight has been stable, and I have never been below 160 lbs since the age of 17. Now, many years later after my ex-BPD vanished out of my life from one day to the other, I'm below 140 lbs. I've lost in total 28 pounds, and I am slowly trying to gain my weight back.

The physical changes are not what bother me the most. The mental ones have hit me harder than I ever thought anything could do to me. I'm currently on antidepressants (I've had several depressions throughout the years, I'm a sufferer of the winter-depressions) and am attending therapy to get over the heartbreak and work on my own issues.

This BU has caused me a lot of scars and I won't ever allow myself to be put in this situation again. I will never whole-heartedly go into another relationship, and I will be carrying a lot of baggage after this. Hopefully, the physical strength will come back.
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« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2015, 12:45:19 PM »

Anxiety depression insomnia heartburn weight loss grinding of teeth at night
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« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2015, 01:06:32 PM »

"Not just the normal type of anxiety that we all have here and there, this was the type of anxiety that I had not ever experienced before. Almost a sense of terror, dredd and sheer panic."

that for one, at least once during, and for weeks after. constant adrenaline during and after. afterward, some really bizarre joint pain showed up and stayed for a while. the bad dreams. weight loss; i couldnt eat. daily crying spells. heightened sense and fear of abandonment.

weve all got a lot in common. i think this is a testament to the effects of the relationship on our psyches and our body.
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« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2015, 01:10:08 PM »

I have experienced the following as a result of her BPD - extreme anxiety to the point my whole body would physically shake when she started to verbally abuse me,  I believe my hair has started to go prematurely grey because of the stress of the relationship,  I have developed sexual problems due to constantly being branded a sexual failure/useless by her, I have developed anger issues and have transfered my anger towards her at other people, I have felt depressed to the point I have contemplated just disappearing and leaving my life behind and I have also felt in the worst moments the urge to be violent just to make her stop hurting me.  

All of which have pretty much helped destroy my happiness over the last 2 years.
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« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2015, 01:10:22 PM »

All of the above.  
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« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2015, 01:18:32 PM »

Emotions we repress, like the fallout from ignoring red flags and forging ahead anyway, show up in our body anyway, in fact in its infinite wisdom that's our body's way of telling us things aren't right and we should deal with it.  We either listen or we don't.

For me, my shoulder seized up entirely, I couldn't even raise my arm, partly because I was working out too hard to try to become someone she'd accept, because I just wasn't good enough the way I was, according to her, and partly due to stress.  I am happy to report that I regained full use of my shoulder about a year after I left her; funny how the mind/body connection is such that when the mind finds peace the body follows.

So, how's the detachment and the subsequent resolution of physical symptoms going?  Does anyone notice drastic improvement in their health as you move away physically and emotionally from the relationship?
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« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2015, 02:27:30 PM »

So, how's the detachment and the subsequent resolution of physical symptoms going?  Does anyone notice drastic improvement in their health as you move away physically and emotionally from the relationship?



Out about 3 months I no longer feel and hear the pounding of my pulse and heart while I lie in bed. Zero anxiety. Still dealing with depression and now on anti-depressants. Back to the pre r/s hypertension BP readings.

My psyche has been hurt, but hopefully as more time passes I will be healed mentally and physically. Incredible to hear how toxic the r/s was not only to me but the others that have thus far posted.
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« Reply #9 on: May 24, 2015, 02:45:03 PM »

I lost probably 10 pounds, started drinking and smoking way more during stressful periods, and become very antisocial during the worst of times.

Self-medication works temporarily, but it definitely is not an answer.

I don't have anxiety anymore, really, and feel about 95% less sad and alone than I did when I was still in the relationship. It's been about 4 months and I'm finally starting to feel like myself again about most of the time. I have a bad day every now and then, maybe like one a month, but still, major improvements in my mental and physical health.
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« Reply #10 on: May 24, 2015, 04:10:55 PM »

I suffered problems with my health pretty much the same as all the other posters.

I was over weight.  I was depressed.  I was always stressed out and short tempered.  I would lose my temper and become violent sometimes.  I swore a lot.  I had heartburn and headaches constantly.  I couldn't sleep but was tired all the time.  I was anxious.  I disliked leaving the house.  I also often had twitches in my eyes.  I had numbness in my left hand.  I got palpitations.  I also had two illnesses that required general surgery during the time I was with him.

Since we split up, I have lost weight and have none of the other health problems.  I am happy and much more relaxed.  I rarely get angry or lose my temper.

Too much to be a coincidence!
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« Reply #11 on: May 24, 2015, 04:43:15 PM »

When I first physically met my ex, I was 240 pounds and a pretty darn good shape physically. I've always had this issue with my left leg from falling down the stairs on black ice and doing a gigantic split. That happened three times but my walking and biking and going to the gym help the tremendously.

I would say the first issues that rose up were a constant exhaustion. I would have to take a nap once or twice a day to the extreme heat in Florida. I did become less active, that was my fault, and I did not have any transportation of my own to get out and do things unless I borrowed the exes car. In that case I would have to drive her to work and drive back etc. Her car was such a junk bucket that I actually feared putting excess mileage on it because her daily trek to work was about 60 miles in itself.

Her child was part of the relationship, the stress so I have to say that at the time the child being about six going on seven years old was very stressful for me in itself. Unfortunately this lovely child is chock-full of issues. Between teaching new ethics, manners, behavioral techniques, and trying to add to the child's education, this was a lot of work! The X did not see it that way. Even back then the X was more concerned with me making her look like a bad parent because I was being a good parent. That little bit became extremely apparent right at the time of breakup.

Exhaustion was there, like I mentioned, the inability to focus on anything besides the relationship getting Rocky. A lot of thought went into keeping the relationship balanced and is healthy as I possibly could. It was only me doing this. She would come home tired from her hard day at work dealing with rowdy patients as well as pain in the butt coworkers. On the way home we almost always talked. I felt it gave her a chance to unload her stress before she got home. While quite often it didn't work that way. When she got home she was just as stressed if not more and often pissed off with me. Add to that the news I would have to give her about her child's behavior in school, which by the way was a daily crapshoot. I've never seen a child with so many behavioral problems in my life. My son wasn't perfect but this takes the cake. I know I was suffering from some anxiety, and I'm not strangers with anxiety so I know what I was feeling and why I was feeling it. Mind you looking back on all this now is why I'm able to pinpoint all the little things that have happened. Because when you're in the box you don't see things the same way, it was just every day baloney that we would get over. I see more red flags now than I ever did.

Wake up time, either 5:30 AM or 6 AM depending on if we had to meet with her ex husband number two when he brought the child home Thursday morning or Monday morning every other week. Dealing with that criminal was very stressful. I wish he would have acted with me the way she acted with him he was very controlling and quite the manipulator. I was just a good guy turned doormat. Quite often I had digestive problems which no doubt were from the stress and the X, I also had headaches on occasion but not too frequently. Getting back to wake up time, I would always prepare coffee and some type of breakfast. I would never let her leave the house without some type of sustenance to fuel her morning. The child was fussy and rarely had breakfast. At the end of the relationship after the breakup, anxiety and nerve issues sprung up really bad. At times I trembled when she was coming home or walking in the door. Not because I was afraid of her, but because of the unknown behavior that was about to take place. I think I have something similar to tinnitus and my ears have a ringing in them quite often. During the stress with her the ringing was worse. The exhaustion was way worse and along the way somehow I ended up with the pinched nerve in my neck which affected my left shoulder left arm left hand left fingers. To the point of numbness lack of strength, and not to mention the fact that I was scared. The pinched nerve lasted from around February 10 two approximately three weeks ago today. Yep, a long time. I was also experiencing a lot of foggy thinking. Things that came so naturally it one time I had to stop and think about to complete them, for instance fueling up the vehicle and using a credit card to pay. Doing those things would normally just flow, but when I was back here and had to do it on my own, I had to pause and think about every little thing.

Aches and pains everywhere, sometimes they would just flareup and sometimes they would go away. Sleeplessness or insomnia, I remember at least 3 to 4 days straight not being able to sleep for more than 10 minutes at a clip. I was exhausted beyond belief confused and just an overall wreck. I honestly believe that if I was not rescued when I was that I would either totally lost my mind or maybe even gotten a heart attack and died.

My ex was stronger than I was towards the end, more strength more durability more stamina, and at the beginning of our relationship it was the opposite. I guess it didn't take much to be stronger physically and mentally than I was at the end. Thinking back on everything rekindles such ugly ugly thoughts. And one of the things that she said that I'll never forget was her reaction when I asked her to take me shopping, her response was that I could take a bus. Earlier in the month of February, or was it January I had just did a major overhaul of parts in her vehicle as well as pay for them all out of my pocket about $400. I hope somewhere she finds a moment of clarity in every little thing that has transpired in four years flashes before her eyes. It really doesn't matter what the outcome is just that she remembers every little thing that has happened. I didn't want to put it that way but I'm going to, I hope she remembers everything I did for her! It sounds selfish but honestly there's no better way to put it. Is it any wonder why people say to run for your life when it comes to dealing with BPD? In the end it actually does seem like it's a one-way ticket in the destination is your coffin.
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« Reply #12 on: May 24, 2015, 04:47:32 PM »

I took up an eating disorder during my time with my ex. I suppose it came down to the fact she was very controlling of what I ate and the eating disorder was a protest on my behalf! It seems so strange for me to type that. I took up an eating disorder aged 28!

I look like ive aged 20 years in 5, going grey at a pace at 35 yo, bad skin, bitten nails I am th picture of stress and before that i was a baby face.

Well. At least now she's gone im starting to look better. 10 kilos lost this year.
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Hadlee
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« Reply #13 on: May 24, 2015, 04:51:07 PM »

Wow!  I also ended up with anxiety, depression, heartburn, headaches, stress rashes, fatigue and insomnia.   My work suffered as I couldn't concentrate on anything.  My anxiety and depression got so bad that I went on antidepressants for a few months.  I also gained a lot of weight (comfort food eating) and stopped going to the gym.

I was in such a good place both mentally and physically when we became best friends then it all went downhill from there.  I became someone else - unhappy, stressed and seemed to have a black cloud always hanging over my head.

Now... .None of that unless I have dealings with her at work then my anxiety flares up again.  I'm back at the gym and losing the weight I gained Smiling (click to insert in post). I've recently had people tell me I haven't looked this good in a long time.  Yeah funny that Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

It's incredible the similarities between us all.  Just goes to show how toxic these people are!
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StarOfTheSea
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« Reply #14 on: May 24, 2015, 05:01:35 PM »

I have both anxiety and depression. When I was with him my anxiety was off the charts. I also had constant GI issues and the most severe migraines I've ever  had in my life. Years ago I was diagnosed with inappropriate sinus tachycardia, which is a weird disorder that will flare up from time to time; it really flared when we were together. I had an episode one day at work where my heart rate was in the 140's.

Now that he's no longer in my life the anxiety has transformed into depression.
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« Reply #15 on: May 24, 2015, 05:23:37 PM »

Wow! Usually I like to respond to specific posts and topics that capture the essence of the topic... .but this to me is Mind Blowing! I thought I was just being hyper sensitive to the situation and because I sometimes dont deal well with stress that it was just me. This honestly is one more nail in the coffin that shows me at least that this type of relationship is harmful in more ways than one could imagine.
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Hadlee
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« Reply #16 on: May 24, 2015, 06:10:16 PM »

Wow! Usually I like to respond to specific posts and topics that capture the essence of the topic... .but this to me is Mind Blowing! I thought I was just being hyper sensitive to the situation and because I sometimes dont deal well with stress that it was just me. This honestly is one more nail in the coffin that shows me at least that this type of relationship is harmful in more ways than one could imagine.

I completely agree!  Blows my mind to know others were affected the same way as I was.  Interesting also that my BPD's exbf had severe anxiety and depression, put on a lot of weight in the later years and was always sick with the flu plus regular panic attacks.  His health really deteriorated the last couple of years they were together.  Poor man - I feel so sorry for him.
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sherlock3

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« Reply #17 on: May 24, 2015, 06:11:41 PM »

I just had to Get In on this topic. I workout, take care of myself and usually stay at the same weight. 6 months or so into the relationship I lost about 15 pounds without even realizing it. A little over a year in I finally had a heart attack. That happened a week after her first overdose attempt which occured with me right there with her. Then 2 weeks after my heart attack she overdosed again at my house with me right there. After she got out of the psych hospital (again) I met with her (picked her up from the bus terminal) one more time so she could be nasty to me and blame me for something (I cant even remember what).After that I spoke to her one more time by phone(the last time) where she again blamed me for something else and I just went off and read her the riot act... .THE END.
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« Reply #18 on: May 24, 2015, 06:24:20 PM »

She was magical and actually cured me of all my ills!

Not really.

Same as others: Stress, confusion, anxiety, depression, insomnia, weight changes, headaches, nightmares, drank too much... .It wasn't all her fault though as I chose to stay. Much of this has improved since then.
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« Reply #19 on: May 24, 2015, 07:49:36 PM »

Anxiety, weight loss, depression, I became fearful, at times I felt disoriented, insomnia, nightmares. I didn't look like my normal self either. The stress took its toll.

Two years out this summer, and I'm feeling and looking like my normal self. Depression is gone, healthy weight is back, I'm sleeping well... .

Those relationships are quite a ride aren't they?
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« Reply #20 on: May 25, 2015, 03:17:35 AM »

I forgot to add serious cystic acne issues back neck chest face  

When we separated for a year I got off my anxiety/depression meds 6 months after and was clean of them for a year, great skin, sleeping well, gaining a healthier weight, pretty in control of anxieties and depression only once in a while along side stressful periods of long hours at work, good social life (I didn't know what BPD was to the extend I do now when we got back together  :'( )

Back on medication 6 months after his return... .His behavior returned after about 90 days.
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« Reply #21 on: May 25, 2015, 03:37:21 AM »

Constant heartaches (even to the point of painful "stabs", anxiety, depression, panic attacks... .and I'm only 20... . 
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« Reply #22 on: May 25, 2015, 04:39:45 AM »

Chest pains, neck pain, eczema, irritable bowel, eye twitch, headaches.

And tough time letting go, loving, feeling in new relationship even though new girlfriend is so lovely. Not health but anyone else have this?  Like my brain / heart is holding back when it doesn't need to.
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« Reply #23 on: May 25, 2015, 04:55:48 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Ripps

I'm sure if we ever separate I'm going to have major mind issues in other relationships. When we did separate and was to the point of divorce I did date... .It was so nice, so positive, never critical... .It was weird for me. They often called out weird behaviors like you don't need to be perfect... .But I've been trained to bend at every whim to avoid conflict. Also now I'm sure if I were with others any sign of conflict will probably push me over the edge more than a normal person like with anxiety issues or depression  it's sad.


There's also the sick fact that there is this feeling of normal relationships lacking passion. That beginning where the pwBPD is all obsessed with you and idealizes you which has become something that's "normal" ha! To find out its actual the disorder. And the fear I could never find a physical partner like my h BPD... .Also discovering that is part of the disorder. 

My fear if I ever leave is that for some reason I am attracted to the "artistic" personality, which I'm now thinking is just BPD, that I won't be able to break that habit or the comfort in a high conflict relationship. My parents were high conflict and dysfunctional in their verbal/emotional abuse... .And I worry it's just a pattern that won't be broken. Both of my sisters also get into high conflict relationships or with controlling individuals  

I also worry that I won't love again or that I won't believe in a "normal" relationship - kinda how I already am feeling, which is probably why I stay. The idea of yes he has this awful thing that's really hard to be part of, but there is worse. And I'd rather deal with this than worse. I guess this just shows I don't trust my judgements or self to make better decisions or see the red flags I should have seen with my H BPD
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« Reply #24 on: May 25, 2015, 07:32:27 AM »

I am still suffering the physical consequences of my relationship espeicially my ability to form new relationships/sex life and agree with the above post.

Physically my BPD partner was one of the most attractive girls Id ever seen (let alone been intimate with) and once the honeymoon phase was over and she started to destroy me in terms of my  sexual performance etc it has  damaged me so much.   I have come to fear sex/ intimacy with anyone else because I fear I am useless like she told me so many times.  i have even kind of lost any desire to speak to other girls because of my anxiety that I will start wishing i was with my BPD.

i also still compare any new girls I meet with my BPD partner (and none of them are as pretty or sexy as my BPD partner  is).   So its like she still has control over me because I feel I will fail with anyone else and that no one can match her beauty ! i know how illogical that sounds but its how I feel  


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« Reply #25 on: May 25, 2015, 04:49:07 PM »

I gained 40 pounds with her. Random skin tag and warts appeared.

Dropped the weight and continuing to shape up and refine my physical aspects.
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« Reply #26 on: May 25, 2015, 04:57:41 PM »

Excerpt
I gained 40 pounds with her. Random skin tag and warts appeared.

Dropped the weight and continuing to shape up and refine my physical aspects.

disorderedsoc: Thus far you seem to be the luckiest as far as fewest symptoms. Good for you.
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« Reply #27 on: May 25, 2015, 06:01:22 PM »

Headaches, neck pain from stress, poor sleep, anxiety, Low mood, weight gain from comfort eating, tired all the time, upset stomach,  eczema, trichotillomania.
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« Reply #28 on: May 26, 2015, 11:39:23 AM »

High blood pressure, insomnia, anxiety unlike anything I have ever experienced, generally just feeling like crap and no motivation to do anything, probably depression.

I had to start taking blood pressure medicine and anti-anxiety medication. I drank alcohol as a self-medication but have pretty much quit that unless the anti-anxiety meds aren't getting it done.

Been divorced from her and had no contact since 12/30/2014 and am still an emotional and physical train wreck... .but have been seeing some improvement lately. I have a restraining order against her which expires in July. I have to get that renewed.
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« Reply #29 on: May 27, 2015, 06:19:32 PM »

[quoteHigh blood pressure, insomnia, anxiety unlike anything I have ever experienced, generally just feeling like crap and no motivation to do anything, probably depression.

I had to start taking blood pressure medicine and anti-anxiety medication. I drank alcohol as a self-medication but have pretty much quit that unless the anti-anxiety meds aren't getting it done.

][/quote]
My BP is finally back to normal, back on lowest does needed. No longer taking anti-anxiety meds, lower dose of anti-depressants. Been a long time since odd dreams about her stopped. Overall I am feeling so much better being in N/C about 80 days. I can see the drastic changes in the way I feel. I'm still amazed that anyone here seeing and feeling the evidence would still want to interact with someone who actually makes you violently ill.
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