Is BPD "contagious?"

[honeybadger]

Of course, it's not, technically speaking... .

Since my BPD/so of 5 years and I broke up almost 2 weeks ago, I've been feeling like a shell of a person, lost, confused, almost like I'm free falling... .a classic codependent. Of course, I loved him to bits and miss some things about him. But as I walk through my city, and memories come up as I pass different locales, I think about how utterly difficult it was just to do the simplest couple things with him--because his continual intensely sad and angry moods, hypersensitivity and constant hypervigilance about something going wrong just made it difficult to have very much fun or lightness. I always walked on eggshells. And sometimes, even that didn't work and we ended up fighting, breaking up, recycling too many times than I care to mention.

I've been trying to use this time to get in touch with who I am, why I stayed, why I settled for crumbs, did I really think I could save him and help him find happiness?, why I chose to push aside my needs, etc.

I realized that I used to be a positive person. I used to be more trusting. I used to be more laid back. More spiritual. I realized, as I walk around, trying to find the pieces of myself that I misplaced, that I think I actually took on some of his traits.

Did any of you do this?

They say the biggest energy in the room wins, and my anorexic self esteem has been no match for his gargantuan self-loathing and depression.

[emergent]

Hi honeybadger,

I'm sorry you're going through this confusing time. It seems like you're clear (at least sometimes) on the reasons it's better this way, though, and that's good.

I am leaving my BPDw but for reasons related to her adoption of our kids, I have to live with her and pretend all is well, possibly for a year. There is a lot of anger and resentment. I feel that I've "caught" BPD traits, too, although not the same ones as you. My BPDw loathes herself but I have managed to stay strong on that one and respect who I am. Although at times I felt I'd lost any sense of identity, whenever I had my own opinions and especially now that I am detaching from the subordinate role, I am ok with who I am, with my choices, with my strengths and weaknesses, too. I owe a lot of this, if not all, to my spiritual practice. Before I had that, I went through some pretty tough depressions, and I'm sure that without it I would go there again now.

What I have caught from her BPD is mostly anger. So much anger. For 15 years I put up with hers and tried to make it go away, and I watched it do nothing but increase and fill me, especially now, in the end. So often, I've been backed into a corner with no means of escape and getting mad is a mechanism I learned from her. I was such a kind person before this relationship, definitely not angry, but opening my heart to others is unacceptable to her for the most part. Getting angry is unacceptable if it's at her, but sometimes it gets her attention and at least she understands what I'm trying to get across. When I try to get across something kind, she does not compute! And it's perfectly acceptable for me to be mad at others. It's helped us to connect sometimes if I was angry at other people.

This is so twisted... .how do we get on this path? You are right, the big energy is very powerful.

Stay strong. You're doing well to remind yourself how difficult life really was with him. I think it will get better without him.

[honeybadger]

Hi Emergent,

What I have caught from her BPD is mostly anger. So much anger. For 15 years I put up with hers and tried to make it go away, and I watched it do nothing but increase and fill me, especially now, in the end. So often, I've been backed into a corner with no means of escape and getting mad is a mechanism I learned from her. I was such a kind person before this relationship, definitely not angry, but opening my heart to others is unacceptable to her for the most part. Getting angry is unacceptable if it's at her, but sometimes it gets her attention and at least she understands what I'm trying to get across. When I try to get across something kind, she does not compute! And it's perfectly acceptable for me to be mad at others. It's helped us to connect sometimes if I was angry at other people.

Wow. I can totally relate to this. I mean, we all have anger to deal with. But my ex and it sounds like your w, have chronic anger. Isn't it funny that this becomes the thing you have in common? So twisted. I am trying to unravel myself.

I've been so compassionate toward him--but to the point that I was only enabling his bad harmful behaviors... .which harmed me and himself. A friend told me the other day that in Buddhism, the flipside of compassion is detachment. I am working on that now. Interestingly, in the relationship, I showed him an excess of detachment, so much that I lost touch with who the essence of me is. I care about him very much still, but am trying to do so from a point of detachment, and instead focus my compassion on myself.

You stay strong, too. And thanks for your reply!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey honeybadger-

You're right, BPD is not technically contagious, but it is common to assume some traits of the disorder, they're called fleas around here.  The traits are on a continuum anyway and we all exhibit some of them at least some of the time, and being in a relationship with a borderline, any relationship really, it's natural and normal to pick up each other's traits at least a little.  That will go away as you get your feet on the ground and get your power back.

2 weeks is a very short period of time after 5 years and there's much more to be revealed moving forward.  You're doing the right thing in posting here and talking about what's going on with you, and if your ex exhibits traits of the disorder you're talking to the right people, we've all been there.  And those things you used to be?  They're still there, and are probably what attracted your ex to begin with.  They will reemerge as you detach and find your footing, and that's the good news; for now, one day at a time.  Take care of you!

[emergent]

honeybadger, I am struggling with this attachment thing, too, and I have been practising Buddhism very seriously for 19 years. Partly because in my current spiritual training I need to be working on this right now, I am coming to understand things I have been saying and passing on to spiritual friends for years, which I never actually understood or put into practice : Detachment is not the goal, but rather non-attachment. We should not try to detach from the situation or disconnect from our feelings, but rather aim to not stay rigidly attached to any particular outcome. When we get attached we can get (sometimes hugely) disappointed.

Of course, compassion needs to be a part of the non-attachment; your friend was absolutely right. But... .compassion is also something I am redefining right now, even though the words have not changed. I had this codependent-type interpretation of compassion whereby as long as I was not dying I could put up with anything, yes anything, in order to make the other person happy. Wrong! Detachment was also a problem as I was trying really hard to not feel the things I felt.

First of all, those who strive for true compassion in Buddhism strive for universal compassion, toward all beings no matter how big, small, smart, dumb, pleasant to us or unpleasant. If even a louse deserves my compassion (which actually makes sense to me, but not everyone will agree), shouldn't I myself be worthy of compassion? I am a being, and I want to be happy as much as my BPDw does. I need to include myself in the scope of my compassion. It does not make me happy to be tied unjustly to the whipping post.

Second, my BPDw is not helped by this attitude. If I detach, I don't actually care about myself or her. I know I'm enabling her behaviours when I erase myself and let her continue as she always has.

True compassion is so hard to define in this situation, but I think it's important to be in touch with how we feel, try to empathise with what the other must feel, and distinguish between what we know deep down is right and wrong. Having had this experience with this disorder, I imagine that healing and rediscovering our essence might be a long and arduous process. Courage, my friend. And courage to me, too  

[honeybadger]

Words of wisdom, Emergent. Yes, detachment is a loaded word... .you're right. We need to stay in touch with our feelings and still be compassionate, but also and maybe especially to ourselves.

I am redefining right now, even though the words have not changed. I had this codependent-type interpretation of compassion whereby as long as I was not dying I could put up with anything, yes anything, in order to make the other person happy. Wrong!

I can very much relate to this. The gaslighting. The giving up parts of yourself. The striving for perfection... .which of course is never good enough. Becoming... .unattached, as you say, is helping me recoil and untwist a bit, and see things from a calmer place/

It's very hard. He's been texting me. He seems like a different person- like a flip has been switched. He said if we could be honest with each other about what we have issues with, then perhaps we could move forward. I'm not sure what this means. I think he's dysregulated. So confused but trying. Courage to us both!

[enlighten me]

I think if your emeshed in any form of relationship you pick up traits. It doesnt have to be with a SO. It can even be with friends. I remember once working with a group of guys from Newcastle and without realising it I started to take on a geordie accent. It made me laugh when I realised what had happened but it was such a slow process I never noticed at the time.

[emergent]

enlighten me, I totally agree, and this phenomenon has been shown in psychological studies.

honeybadger, the distance/unattachment thing allows you to take a broad view and see how he is more generally than right now. What do you see?

[honeybadger]

honeybadger, the distance/unattachment thing allows you to take a broad view and see how he is more generally than right now. What do you see?

Emergent, thanks. We've recycled again. Not sure how I feel about it     But I will say that I've started going back to Codependents Anonymous again, and this whole break up has unleashed a cascade of emotions and realizations. So I guess I should be grateful for that--that I have been shaken out of my complacency and band-aid way of living. I am trying to learn to put myself first. I am trying to stop living in denial. I am trying to concentrate on me, and while caring, let him solve his own problems... .or not. I'm usually the happy, people pleaser but right now I am feeling lost and beyond depressed.

My uBPDbf broke up with me a few weeks back. Suddenly. Coldly. With no warning. (Classic devaluation) Of course, it played into my deepest abandonment fears and rocked my world. He had and has been extremely depressed. Then, he wanted to reconcile and we went back and forth until it became too painful for me --he was so full of anger, hatred and cold, like someone I didn't know--and I cut it off.

I want to take things very slowly rather than diving back in, 100%... .which obviously never worked. So again, I've learned something. Here's the kicker: he says he NEVER broke up with me in the first place. Even though I have texts from him explaining why he did--and how he had been thinking about it. Gaslighting--or else he really believes it. He often does not remember the outrageous things he does and says?  I think it's kind of funny. The old me would have jumped right into the drama and would have tried to prove what he had done. But this time, gaslighting is not working. I calmly stated the truth. I no longer doubt my sanity. I need to stay out of the drama. Right now, it's about as far ahead as I can look.

Thanks for listening!

[emergent]

Oh, this is so familiar... .not the recycling, as we've never gone there, but the gaslighting.

I got this from here: https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/tag/gaslighting/

"(If) you’re considering divorce, it’s extremely important that you document the abuse you’re experiencing in a journal, a digital recorder or some other medium. Abusive, persuasive blamers rely on the force of their emotions to sell their lies, half-truths and distortions. Since most people are suckers for drama, especially in the form of a tearful, self-righteous woman, you’ll need proof if you want to be believed."

It's such a big time investment in something I'm giving up on, but maybe they're right.

[emergent]