BPDs and other people

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Is it a trait for them to constantly always find things wrong with other people? and constantly be talking about them?

"that person is wierd"

"I dont like them"

"they do bad things"

etc etc constantly finding things wrong?

I cant stand it. I feel like I can't meet anyone.

[caughtnreleased]

In my experience it depends on who it is.  If that person is someone who is your friend/girlfriend/etc... .(and therefore perceived as a threat to the pwBPD) then yes, they will be extremely critical.  My mother recently floated the idea to me that all my friends who said nice things about the place I live in are liars, and she is the only one telling the truth (that I live in a dump).  You see... .other people are a threat to pwBPD because they likely might show you that you are living in a FOG, so in a way they are a threat. 

However, on the other hand - people who are my rivals, like the children of my mother's friends - well, even if they murdered someone, they would be angels, who could do no wrong.  It's all about whether the other person can build up your self esteem, or bring it down.  If that person can bring down your self esteem... .well, the BPD person will love them.  I would say, in general, if the pwBPD doesn't like a person, it might actually be a good sign... .but in all seriousness, the opinion of a pwBPD on others that you know is not a measure of accuracy of the character of others.  I rarely introduce and boyfriends, or friends for that matter.  In fact my mother doesn't want to meet my friends. I think she's afraid that they are "normal" and close to me. So she pretends they don't exist or are liars if they say nice things to me.

[Kwamina]

Hi DontGiveUpOnMe

Is it a trait for them to constantly always find things wrong with other people? and constantly be talking about them?

Fault-finding is something my uBPD mother and uBPD older sister often engage in too. Trying to bring other people down to feel better about themselves only to discover that the effects don't last very long. A factor that can also play into this is the BPD behavior called projection:

In general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts.  Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

You can read more about projection here: BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

Another reason for this type of behavior you describe, can indeed be that the person with BPD perceives someone as a threat and talking negatively about that person is one way to try and eliminate that threat.

I cant stand it. I feel like I can't meet anyone.

Since you ask about this behavior, I assume you are experiencing it yourself. Who is the person with BPD in your life doing this to? Are the people you associate with being negatively portrayed? Are you yourself being subjected to this behavior?

Take care

[bethanny]

don'tgiveuponme,

great that you are highlighting this.  an insistence on perfectionism is key to appreciating the uBPD.  I suddenly think of that saying, "it is easier to see a flea on somebody else than an elephant on yourself!"

also, focusing on imperfections of others or putting a negative spin on others is the m.o. of the uBPD to keep his or her would-be enablers penned in. my mother often blamed my father's friends at times for his alcoholism.

something also important in my memory.  whenever I had an altercation with a friend my mother immediately declared that person was not worthy of my friendship and she had been right about them and that I should terminate the relationship since it was now broken.  she never role-modeled or encouraged "conflict resolution". she never encouraged a serious analysis of what had happened.  her hyper-loyalty was seductive and at least in part it was for me to end the relationship before I cooled down and had a chance to work it out.

one of my biggest issues today is handling conflict resolution, especially asserting honesty early enough on, instead of stifling frustration as a result of my decades of "walking on egg shells" conditioning to avoid punishment and abandonment.

[Botswana Agate]

YES.  If it was someone BPDm viewed as beneath her or "less than", she made it very clear to me what she thought of them, either directly or indirectly.  Her direct comments would be outright: "oh cripes, wouldja look at their pants, could they be any yuckier?", or indirectly while at the same time forcing compliments on herself: "do I look that fat?"

If it was someone she viewed as wealthier than her, she'd be tripping all over herself to ingratiate herself into their company, and NEVER let it slide to comment to me about their money.  When I was telling my SIL about a lady I had the pleasure of getting to know in a memory care unit while volunteering, I mentioned how well she was taken care of and BPDm butted in and said "that family's VEEERRRYYY WEALLLLLTTHHHYYY" like it was something to be worshipped (small town, she must've known the family because I didn't divulge any privacy). 

The phenomenon of splitting is very common, too, in BPDs, even with strangers.

[caughtnreleased]

If it was someone she viewed as wealthier than her, she'd be tripping all over herself to ingratiate herself into their company, and NEVER let it slide to comment to me about their money.  When I was telling my SIL about a lady I had the pleasure of getting to know in a memory care unit while volunteering, I mentioned how well she was taken care of and BPDm butted in and said "that family's VEEERRRYYY WEALLLLLTTHHHYYY" like it was something to be worshipped (small town, she must've known the family because I didn't divulge any privacy). 

The phenomenon of splitting is very common, too, in BPDs, even with strangers.

My mother is exactly like this. Rich = worthy of praise and total idealism.  Her wealthy friends brag to her about the luxury trips they take and she talks to me about it as if these people were gods.   I act as impressed as I am - that is truly not.  Funny though she married a very stingy man, who hates rich people and lavish things, and would eat spaghetti and meatballs for the rest of his life if it were up to him. 

[disorderedsociety]

My ex BPD girlfriend used to love to fish for compliments, even would say "tell me I don't look fat" just to force it out of me (and she was, by medical standards, obese.) Ridiculous. She would also find something wrong with anyone she found to be a threat.

My mom glorifies material wealth and respects the most greedy, selfish people. She also gives 10% of her income to churches. Go figure.