Starting to keep track...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After speaking with a friend yesterday (she just divorced her mentally disturbed and abusive husband) I have started a calendar to track incidents.  I started it from 4 days ago, because that is the last day I can remember clearly.  I always feel trapped in a memory fog. So stressed and tired I can't even think.

On my calendar out of 4 days (including today) there have been 3 incident days.  Which include him calling my 8 yr old son an idiot, him telling our 3 1/2 yr old daughter to "never f**king talk to me(him) again", and him telling me that because I didn't turn our taxes in yesterday (they are going in today, I had to have him sign them) that now he has to "grind" (work hard). When we could have had that money.  He doesn't keep any records for his business.  I essentially have to create them from the little bit of records I can get (mainly just check stubs).  Plus with kids to take care of, plus I work a retail job & run my own business, I can't always find time to do all of his crap too.  Because he works, nothing else should be his responsibility.  If he does anything outside of that, I need to get down on my knees and worship the ground he walks on.  Yet I have to keep up every else including all the bills even though he goes through spells of holding his money hostage.  He'll tell me "your not going to get any of my money, I going to stack it."  Two of his kids live with us too.  He has a responsibility to contribute.  But when the utilities get shut off that is my fault, because "I mismanage the money he gives me.". So far the calendars not looking to good for him. In four days 75% incident 25% okay.  I think I might track how often I say to myself "I can wait to get divorced".  That's been 3/4 days as well.

[Smileypants]

After speaking with a friend yesterday (she just divorced her mentally disturbed and abusive husband) I have started a calendar to track incidents.  I started it from 4 days ago, because that is the last day I can remember clearly.  I always feel trapped in a memory fog. So stressed and tired I can't even think.

On my calendar out of 4 days (including today) there have been 3 incident days.  Which include him calling my 8 yr old son an idiot, him telling our 3 1/2 yr old daughter to "never f**king talk to me(him) again", and him telling me that because I didn't turn our taxes in yesterday (they are going in today, I had to have him sign them) that now he has to "grind" (work hard). When we could have had that money.  He doesn't keep any records for his business.  I essentially have to create them from the little bit of records I can get (mainly just check stubs).  Plus with kids to take care of, plus I work a retail job & run my own business, I can't always find time to do all of his crap too.  Because he works, nothing else should be his responsibility.  If he does anything outside of that, I need to get down on my knees and worship the ground he walks on.  Yet I have to keep up every else including all the bills even though he goes through spells of holding his money hostage.  He'll tell me "your not going to get any of my money, I going to stack it."  Two of his kids live with us too.  He has a responsibility to contribute.  But when the utilities get shut off that is my fault, because "I mismanage the money he gives me.". So far the calendars not looking to good for him. In four days 75% incident 25% okay.  I think I might track how often I say to myself "I can wait to get divorced".  That's been 3/4 days as well.

[Sunfl0wer]

After speaking with a friend yesterday (she just divorced her mentally disturbed and abusive husband) I have started a calendar to track incidents.  I started it from 4 days ago, because that is the last day I can remember clearly.  I always feel trapped in a memory fog. So stressed and tired I can't even think.

On my calendar out of 4 days (including today) there have been 3 incident days.  Which include him calling my 8 yr old son an idiot, him telling our 3 1/2 yr old daughter to "never f**king talk to me(him) again", and him telling me that because I didn't turn our taxes in yesterday (they are going in today, I had to have him sign them) that now he has to "grind" (work hard). When we could have had that money.  He doesn't keep any records for his business.  I essentially have to create them from the little bit of records I can get (mainly just check stubs).  Plus with kids to take care of, plus I work a retail job & run my own business, I can't always find time to do all of his crap too.  Because he works, nothing else should be his responsibility.  If he does anything outside of that, I need to get down on my knees and worship the ground he walks on.  Yet I have to keep up every else including all the bills even though he goes through spells of holding his money hostage.  He'll tell me "your not going to get any of my money, I going to stack it."  Two of his kids live with us too.  He has a responsibility to contribute.  But when the utilities get shut off that is my fault, because "I mismanage the money he gives me.". So far the calendars not looking to good for him. In four days 75% incident 25% okay.  I think I might track how often I say to myself "I can wait to get divorced".  That's been 3/4 days as well.

Hi smileypants,

. I'm sorry you are getting such negativity from your SO.  It also sucks that it is directed at the kids.  This was always an issue for me.  My ex knew it was hard to get me annoyed, so when he couldn't get a reaction from me by picking on me directly, he'd resort to picking on my son, or picking on me loud enough for my son to hear, as this always infuriated me!

I know exactly what you mean by memory fog! Sometimes what my ex did was so confusing, was so illogical, that simply trying to explain it felt almost impossible.  I had become so accustomed to tuning out his bad behavior, that I literally would forget.  So when going into MC, I had little complaints!

As much as I wanted to ensure I was not simply focusing just on the negative, while I was undecided and still wanting things to work, I did find journaling helpful.  It helped me to become more aware vs tuning out.  I'm glad I did this... .as that brain fog would just take over me at times!

Hang in there smilepants!

[Smileypants]

Thanks for the support Sunflower! 

I think keeping track is definitely going to help me keep hold of why I shouldn't have to live like this & neither should my kids.  I'm a very mathematically inclined people and very logical.  So if I can look at a calendar that says I was happy/unhappy this percentage of the time, that may help me do what I need to do.

[Smileypants]

My husband will go after the kids, making them feel like crap.  Then I help them cope and recover.

I usually just don't say anything when he's trying to bait me.  The he tells me either that my silence proves his point or if I walk away he says "walk away coward".  But he'll follow me and yell at me loud enough for all the kids to hear, even if it's in the middle of the night.

[Sunfl0wer]

Our MC talked about our heart being in the r/s... .but not the mind.  That eventually these two align.  My point is, that thinking in terms of heart vs mind has helped me greatly. Helped me to gain clarity on my inner struggle as well as his.

I think many of us renter these r/s after tuning out our mind, just following the draw of our heart.

I see your journaling as a good way to maintain your awareness of your logical mind intact

[Sunfl0wer]

My husband will go after the kids, making them feel like crap.  Then I help them cope and recover.

I usually just don't say anything when he's trying to bait me.  The he tells me either that my silence proves his point or if I walk away he says "walk away coward".  But he'll follow me and yell at me loud enough for all the kids to hear, even if it's in the middle of the night.

I see this as him feeling crummy, therefore, not able to cope with his feelings, and wanting for others to feel his experience... .wanting others to feel crummy... .because THAT, he can handle.

*sigh*.  Bringing the kids into it... .just still pisses me off.