Long evening and morning of deciding not to fight

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

FF - I assume you've already had this conversation with her before? That you'd like her to ASK rather than TELL... .or at least answer when you ask. I've seen where you've posted about getting her to stop telling you how you feel and start asking. I've tried that with very little success, but somehow you've done it! Any way you can apply the same method on being asked instead of told what to do?

[Jessica84]

FF - I assume you've already had this conversation with her before? That you'd like her to ASK rather than TELL... .or at least answer when you ask. I've seen where you've posted about getting her to stop telling you how you feel and start asking. I've tried that with very little success, but somehow you've done it! Any way you can apply the same method on being asked instead of told what to do?

[formflier]

FF - I assume you've already had this conversation with her before? That you'd like her to ASK rather than TELL... .or at least answer when you ask. I've seen where you've posted about getting her to stop telling you how you feel and start asking. I've tried that with very little success, but somehow you've done it! Any way you can apply the same method on being asked instead of told what to do?

Umm... .she has told me less and less how I feel... .and has asked... .some... .it does happen.

Yeah... .we've had the conversation before... .not going to keep repeating it on the chores.

She does it her way... .

I'll do it mine... .

FF

[formflier]

 

So... .she comes home from a day of teaching... .and is especially snuggly... .we had a great time sitting on the couch... .talking... .not distracted by anything else.

Dinner and rest of day seems to have done fine as well.

She seems to be able to cycle... .and forget... .much more quickly from a grouch... .to a nice wife.

I guess that is a step in the right direction.

FF

[MaroonLiquid]

So... .she comes home from a day of teaching... .and is especially snuggly... .we had a great time sitting on the couch... .talking... .not distracted by anything else.

Dinner and rest of day seems to have done fine as well.

She seems to be able to cycle... .and forget... .much more quickly from a grouch... .to a nice wife.

I guess that is a step in the right direction.

FF

That's good to hear!  I wish my wife and I could do the same... .

[ColdEthyl]

"I think it is hard for people with BPD to express their wants directly- perhaps they hint and want to have their minds read, but I think sometimes everyone falls into the trap " If he (or she) loved me then he'd do what I want without me having to ask".

I just wanted to touch on this since I've seen it happen with two different pwBPD. I think as nons we are going to have to accept (part of radical acceptance, imo) that these misunderstandings will happen. Misunderstandings happen between two nons all of the time, but a misunderstanding with a pwBPD ends up more reactionary.

My H does this sometimes, although over the years it's been getting better. I watched my Son in law do it over the weekend. He had a cramp, and his wife was sitting in a chair he wanted to sit in. He told her the next day he wanted to sit there, and she knew he was cramping and she didn't care. She told him he should have asked... .and the same argument I've had at home played out before me.