Grief?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

so I have been here a lot the last week and I am wondering honestly if something is wrong with me.

The last time my ex dxBPDgf spilt I was a complete mess.  I honestly was simply sick with grief, a horribly lost soul.

I spent a lot of time here... .especially on this board and delved deep into my own issues.  But underlying that was a definate preoccupation with my ex.  Checking fb repeatedly, not blocking her, obsessing and ruminating over what happened and why.  Learning... .about BPD, about me, about my issues etc.

I am seven days out.  I have more happy days than I did I think when I was with her.  I miss her but I am not obsessing, I am not ruminating.  I blocked her on social media but did not block email or phone yet.  There seems to be no reason to.  She certainly isn't contacting me... .nor I her.

I feel a lot of relief.  I feel a lot of peace.  I do not feel the overwhelming sorrow and confusion.

It's weird.  I detached to a large degree when we got back together, and I know I worked the heck out of the lessons while I was with her. 

I wonder if I will be hit later by grief?  Or blindsided by it? 

I am not angry with her.  I don't hate her.  Nor do I wish for her to hurt in anyway.

I just feel like we were just too broken for each other... .and that we were harming each other more by staying.

Does that make any sense to anyone? 

At the end it was just so ridiculous.  She didn't even make any sense.  She was dysregulated for two weeks before she left.  I was not surprised she left.  Hell I was considering leaving myself.

I have had one bad day... .a very stressful day in which I was missing her but it wasn't horrible.

But the rest have been decent... .even a couple of very good days.

I have read enough here  and experienced enough on my own to know this is not the norm.

I just wonder if I am weird or what. 

It's like I dropped back to where I was before we recycled and I am even better than that now.

I know the first time I was deep into the FOG.  This time, I could see the behaviors clearly and rarely reacted.  I spent more time being frusturated than being devestated when she dysregulated.

I don't know... .it's just something I am pondering tonight... .

Does anyone else have this experience?  Or am I just in shock or something?

I suppose I should mention that my grandfather passed away a couple of weeks ago.  In fact I believe my trip to spend his last days with him was a catalyst in the ending of my relationship.

He had been sick a long time with dementia.  Finally he refused to eat and my grandmother decided not to do any extrodinary measures.  I was with him and got to see him before he passed, but I knew it would be coming.  My grandmother was so strong and she looked at me and said amu, he hasn't been the man I married for a long time.  This is for the best... .he would have hated how he is right now.  And being blessed enough to have known my grandfather as an adult I knew this was true.

I suppose I carry this over to what I am experiencing.  I know that It is for the best.  The woman I fell in love with hadn't been that woman for a long time.  That fairy tale We both loved was not ever going to come true.  And we were just destroying each other trying to keep making it happen.  It can't.  It was a fairy tale not reality.  It's not that she didn't love me, or I didn't love her.  It was my brokenness that drew me to her, it was hers that in turn pushed me away.

Anyway... .just rambling thoughts for tonight.

[Allmessedup]

so I have been here a lot the last week and I am wondering honestly if something is wrong with me.

The last time my ex dxBPDgf spilt I was a complete mess.  I honestly was simply sick with grief, a horribly lost soul.

I spent a lot of time here... .especially on this board and delved deep into my own issues.  But underlying that was a definate preoccupation with my ex.  Checking fb repeatedly, not blocking her, obsessing and ruminating over what happened and why.  Learning... .about BPD, about me, about my issues etc.

I am seven days out.  I have more happy days than I did I think when I was with her.  I miss her but I am not obsessing, I am not ruminating.  I blocked her on social media but did not block email or phone yet.  There seems to be no reason to.  She certainly isn't contacting me... .nor I her.

I feel a lot of relief.  I feel a lot of peace.  I do not feel the overwhelming sorrow and confusion.

It's weird.  I detached to a large degree when we got back together, and I know I worked the heck out of the lessons while I was with her. 

I wonder if I will be hit later by grief?  Or blindsided by it? 

I am not angry with her.  I don't hate her.  Nor do I wish for her to hurt in anyway.

I just feel like we were just too broken for each other... .and that we were harming each other more by staying.

Does that make any sense to anyone? 

At the end it was just so ridiculous.  She didn't even make any sense.  She was dysregulated for two weeks before she left.  I was not surprised she left.  Hell I was considering leaving myself.

I have had one bad day... .a very stressful day in which I was missing her but it wasn't horrible.

But the rest have been decent... .even a couple of very good days.

I have read enough here  and experienced enough on my own to know this is not the norm.

I just wonder if I am weird or what. 

It's like I dropped back to where I was before we recycled and I am even better than that now.

I know the first time I was deep into the FOG.  This time, I could see the behaviors clearly and rarely reacted.  I spent more time being frusturated than being devestated when she dysregulated.

I don't know... .it's just something I am pondering tonight... .

Does anyone else have this experience?  Or am I just in shock or something?

I suppose I should mention that my grandfather passed away a couple of weeks ago.  In fact I believe my trip to spend his last days with him was a catalyst in the ending of my relationship.

He had been sick a long time with dementia.  Finally he refused to eat and my grandmother decided not to do any extrodinary measures.  I was with him and got to see him before he passed, but I knew it would be coming.  My grandmother was so strong and she looked at me and said amu, he hasn't been the man I married for a long time.  This is for the best... .he would have hated how he is right now.  And being blessed enough to have known my grandfather as an adult I knew this was true.

I suppose I carry this over to what I am experiencing.  I know that It is for the best.  The woman I fell in love with hadn't been that woman for a long time.  That fairy tale We both loved was not ever going to come true.  And we were just destroying each other trying to keep making it happen.  It can't.  It was a fairy tale not reality.  It's not that she didn't love me, or I didn't love her.  It was my brokenness that drew me to her, it was hers that in turn pushed me away.

Anyway... .just rambling thoughts for tonight.

[enlighten me]

When I went through a recycle with my ex wife I realised that things had changed. I was more cautious of her and her behaviour. Dont get me wrong I was heart broken when she dumped me again. Maybe this is why you are not grieving the loss of the relationship. Your eyes were more open during your recycle and what you saw you didnt like or want to be part of.

[Allmessedup]

Thanks enlighten me

What you said is true.  My eyes were much much more open this last time around, so much so that I could see exactly what behavior was happening at the time.

I am far from perfect and definately have my own issues that would trigger the behavior, however as soon as it did I would be like oh crap... .you triggered her engulfment stuff... .ok so now what do you do.

Mostly I think I have spent the last six months so emotionally exhausted that in a lot of ways there is relief because I was so very tired of it all. 

My ex is dx, had lots of intensive therapy.  She has the skills.  But someone here said to me that there husband had the skills to take out the trash, didn't mean he did so.

And that is a large part of where I am at.  We talked about her skills, her BPD when we got back together.  We talked about my issues too and what we needed to do to get this to work.

I feel like she did not contribute equally in this and perhaps she couldn't, but I was so tired of feeling like the enemy. 

I was tired of not being able to relax and just talk.  I was tired of so much drama. 

It just became simply not worth it.

I knew I couldn't fix her, I couldn't give her the desire or motivation to use the tools she has.  She had to do that.  She chose not to.

And that's ok.  I know fighting those demons is really really hard.  I know she is physically sick (autoimmune) on top of it which makes it more difficult.

So she left me, but that's ok too.  That's what she needed.

And really I feel it was the best choice.  I had considered leaving multiple times, but I would have continued to try if she had wanted to... .but honestly probably not for much longer unless something changed.

I wanted the relationship to work... .God I did.  But it wasn't going to. 

I find it odd I am not grieving really,  but I guess the acceptance in knowing that I did everything I could to make it work helps.  I know I can never be in a relationship with her again, and that's not so scary as it was before.   

I don't know, I guess it's just this feeling of quiet acceptance, of peace I feel. 

I will be ok without her, she will be ok without me.  But together we were disasterous

[enlighten me]

I grieved my ex wife but not my exgf. With my ex wife I didnt see it coming. With my exgf I couldnt wait to get out. Like you I had enough. The abusive behaviour. Belittling etc etc was too much.

May sound strange but she was my first love. We first met in 88 and I saw her for three summers. She was the one everyone after was compared to. We got together over three years ago and I thought I was the luckiest man alive as we had found each other again. So with all that history you'd have thought I would have grieved.

[Allmessedup]

Glad to know I am not alone here in that then.  It is such a switch from what I felt the last time it is rather unsettling.

I too knew my ex before we were together.  We worked together for several years and were friends but just friends.  I left thst particular job and we stopped speaking for almost four years.  When I came back to fill in there that's when we got together romantically.

I know what lead me to get involved with her romantically.  I was in a bad space in my life... .feeling very insecure about who I was, about my attachment or lack thereof to my adopted son.  Generally feeling very bad about myself. 

When I came back she was very sick... .physically.  She also soothed that feeling of self loathing and self doubt with the idealization she projected.  I needed both the idealization and to feel like the white knight(ress) in order to feel good about me.  I was desperate to keep that for a long time.

In so many ways her disorder gave me a gift.  I have learned so much about myself in this process.  Things I never even realized were issues before.

But I started feeling worse instead of better about myself when I was with her.  We recycled many many times in the beginning.  Then the last time she left she didn't come back and I was destroyed.  I was so sick, couldnt eat, couldn't sleep.  Just existed really.  The walking dead kind of thing.

Slowly I came out of that and spent many hours working on me.  I began to have some happy days again.  Some light started to shine at the end of the tunnel.  I started to feel good about me again... .

Then as abruptly as she left she came back.  And we had some really really good days.  But we also had probably more bad ones.  And over time there were more bad days with her than without her. 

And I got so so tired. 

So now she is gone again and I guess I just feel like my good days are more prevalent again.  I am in control of my life again.  And while I have bad days as we all do I can deal with it and soothe myself.  It's only me who knows what I need and can give it to myself anyway.

I no longer dislike who I am.  I am not really sure how that happened, but it did.  I am ok with me. 

I like who I am now.