So now this. Can't I have just one day of peace?

[DyingLove]

I've just come to a horrible realization. Obviously from the moment we broke up, my ex was harboring a small secret. That secret being that her brother had bought her and her child tickets to Disney World. She obviously had no problem breaking up with me and keeping this secret to herself. The days that she was scheduled to go was March 16 and March 17 of 2015. She had no clue that my escape was planned for March 19. At the time of my escape, I have not seen her since March 15. On Sunday, March 15 we were cleaning out our storage unit because of our breakup. The cost was $100 plus a month, something we should have dealt with long before then.

On that Sunday, there were several incidents where we had words. First incident, to the best of my knowledge, was her rubbing my nose in something and devaluing me and be fighting back. The second incident was when she informed me that I wouldn't be seeing her for several days because she took days off that week to coincide with her daughters spring break vacation. Casually and nicely I asked her what her plans were and she informed me about the tickets but were bought for her and her child. I remember the feeling in my gut and how betrayed I felt. Since day one her brother was always against me, obviously as he told me he only had interests in looking out for his sister and being friends with me was out of the question. Even on Facebook, he had the arrogance to be so rude as to imply that I could have been a piece of s**t. That was in the very beginning when I was not so easily triggered or set off by a jackass like himself. The X was always very very family oriented. She had very little regard for the family pod that made up to three of us. Everything involved her family on a grander scale.

So she was holding onto the information that she was going on this trip for over a month without revealing anything. Well I guess I'm guilty to of leaving while she was at work. I was nearly dead and I was not about to involve her in my last ditch attempt for freedom. What bothers me is that, of course she discarded our relationship, love to hate in the blink of an eye as I like to say, and seem to have placed more importance on a trip to a theme park. It seems that this kind of reasoning with a BPD individual is not uncommon.

The kick in the pants is that even to this day I love her and miss her and deeply seated within me I have high regard for her. In the blink of an eye it all turns to anger and betrayal when I shift focus to the way she handled events.

During the periods between the breakup and my escape, she had driven me one weekend to Michael's which is a framing and art supply and craft supply type of store. When we left, it was blaring hot out, and the windows were down because her car had no air conditioning. I actually thought we were getting along pretty well that day so I threw up the idea that we should go to the beach. I love the beach and she knew it. When I first came to Florida it actually took her eight months to get around to bringing me to the beach. Will during that car ride, when I mentioned the beach she made it very clear by telling me: don't think were going to get back together and go to the beach or do anything like that. What I'm thinking now is, she knew at that time about the trip to Disney World, and on top of that she was devaluing me on the moment. So I'm thinking it's like her thinking she's got me hanging over a barrel and not knowing it is a double whammy is her shooting down my idea about the beach.

I had a lousy day yesterday, thanks to Mutt and a few others I got over it but by the end of the day I was angry and more hostile, whereas in the morning I was very sad and weak. I actually thought I was having a good morning today, which I kind of did, but all this stuff popped into my head. I guess it's like having problems in a relationship because if you don't discuss those things with your spouse they are going to keep resurfacing until they become rectified. Well I guess until I bring this mess out into the open it's going to remain a dirty demon that pops up and takes advantage of a good point in my day.

Any thoughts on this people? I really need to purge this out of my system with a lot of the other hurtful and cold things that she did to me. I keep tossing up the thought that, was it indeed my fault? Was I really the blame for everything? Logic tells me that I was no more to blame then a normal person in a normal relationship.

Are there some basic truths that I can etch in stone?

Can #1 be that it wasn't all my fault? What can #2 be? and so on. I need badly to have a set of truths that I can refer back to daily so that I stop going out of my mind. This stuff is weaving a serious web and I need to somehow organize it all.  If I could trash it all without a second thought, that would be good, but it seems that my mind has a different plan on how it intends to process it all.

[Mutt]

Hy DyingLove,

I can understand feeling angry if your partner is planning a trip without your knowledge to Disney World and she dismissed your request to go to the beach. A pwBPD move on quickly and often don't validate our feelings with how the behaviors and actions can be incredibly difficult for the non-disordered partner. Her belief system is distorted, maladaptive coping mechanisms and compartmentalizes. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I'll share what I think from my personal experience, a r/s takes two and it's equal parts, regardless of how my ex partner blames me for her parts in the r/s. She sent me an email today blaming me about the marriage. She interprets reality her way and I interpret reality my way and feelings are real, she's simply wired differently and it took me time to realize this. I like waverider's signature because I think it's spot on "Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real" She has traits of borderline personality disorder and will likely always blame me for her actions unless she gets intensive therapy.

an #1 be that it wasn't all my fault?

I do think it's important that we listen to our intuition after the r/s is over. What does your intuition say about your part and if it was your fault? Should you take the lion's share of the blame?

[DyingLove]

Hy DyingLove,

I can understand feeling angry if your partner is planning a trip without your knowledge to Disney World and she dismissed your request to go to the beach. A pwBPD move on quickly and often don't validate our feelings with how the behaviors and actions can be incredibly difficult for the non-disordered partner. Her belief system is distorted, maladaptive coping mechanisms and compartmentalizes. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I'll share what I think from my personal experience, a r/s takes two and it's equal parts, regardless of how my ex partner blames me for her parts in the r/s. She sent me an email today blaming me about the marriage. She interprets reality her way and I interpret reality my way and feelings are real, she's simply wired differently and it took me time to realize this. I like waverider's signature because I think it's spot on "Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real" She has traits of borderline personality disorder and will likely always blame me for her actions unless she gets intensive therapy.

an #1 be that it wasn't all my fault?

I do think it's important that we listen to our intuition after the r/s is over. What does your intuition say about your part and if it was your fault? Should you take the lion's share of the blame?

I know I'm not totally to blame. I'm part of it because I was there. I don't necessarily think I was the bad part, or not all the bad part. But as this stuff makes its rounds in my mind, I've just gotten so confused and upset.  It's like kick a man when he is down. Damn, give him a chance to get up first!  So many compounded lousy thoughts in one place,,my head.

I don't even really know that I am being fair by being upset about her plans.  But I do know that if I neglected them at any time I would have heard holy hell about it!

When you care about someone, it makes what they do important to you. If I didn't care about her, she could blow it all out the tailpipe!  But I can't turn it off that easily. I really don't want to become a heartless and cold individual just to protect myself from pain.  I enjoy love and loving and I want it again in my future.  Finding ways to safeguard myself against my own thoughts sounds like a contradiction, but I need to do this.  Thank you Mutt.

[Mutt]

Finding ways to safeguard myself against my own thoughts sounds like a contradiction, but I need to do this.

It's good to get those thoughts out and share DyingLove.

It helps to talk.