videos of troubling behaviours with exes first child

[Mrs. Hyde]

My soon to be ex husband was unofficially diagnosed BPD by 2 professionals who worked with us. 

I filed for emergency custody of my then 2 month old son following a string of erratic and dangerous behaviors last August.  My husband was given supervised visits and they still remain.  We underwent a psych eval and it was reccommended that I receive primary custody and that my husband continue supervision while he works with a counselor.  He asked for another eval which we have just,started.  He has a 21 year old and I recently found some old videos that show disturbing behaviour.  Like her playing with butcher knifes as a ninja spinning around,  almost drowning her pet rabbit in the bathtub and tons of footage of her naked as old as 6 and 7.  My question is should I show the evaluator this footage.  It is disturbing and shows gross lack of judgment which is one of my concerns.  My fear is that it will make me look like I am trying to be vindictive or too aggresive in my efforts to show why I need sole custody.   Plus I feel bad for exposing his daughter.  She is innocent in all of this and I'm sure she wouldn't want me showing people videos of her naked.  I know it will definately damage any chance of being amicable in the future with my ex.  Any advice would be appreciated

[livednlearned]

Hi Mrs. Hyde,

It might be worth consulting with a lawyer -- it sounds like you have one on retainer? Only because videos and recordings touch on other laws. You don't want to get in a tangential lawsuit with your ex for showing videos that weren't your property, without his permission, without the D's permission.

What kind of eval is the current one you're going through? Is it a custody eval, or is this a psych eval of just the parents?

Often, when people ask here about how much to share about the other spouse with the custody evaluator, it is recommended that you be factual about your concerns, without disparaging or diagnosing the other parent. Evaluators are experts, and they do not want laypeople making clinical diagnoses, although you can share information that suggests other professionals implied BPD. The problem is that your ex may be doing the same thing. And as my L said, everyone in this business assumes that everyone is lying.

If you get the green light from your L to show the videos, then I would first ask the CE if that might have any bearing, and whether to consider in the CE.

Typically in legal cases, anything older than 6 months is considered stale. I had a former step-son (20 years older than my son), and my ex tried to use his first-born son as evidence that he was a good parent. The judge didn't care, didn't want to hear about former SS, and said it bore no relevance to the case at hand. Still, CEs are a bit different, and might have different policies for what they will/won't consider.

You want to be certain, though, that you don't create a bigger problem for yourself by showing the videos and crossing some legal line.

[ForeverDad]

Custody evaluators and similar professionals often can consider more in-depth issues than the court can or will.  Courts are quick to discount incidents older than 6 months as legally 'stale' and useful only if demonstrating a pattern.  (However, child abuse, neglect and endangerment have in recent years been applied long term more than before.)  Your concerns are valid.  But is it 'actionable'?  The problem is some may say, "But that hasn't happened to your child."  Whereas you would state it, "That hasn't happened to my child - yet."  It is sometimes hard to get Risks seen at a level comparable with Incidents.  Not impossible, since he is already restricted to supervised visits it may be of some help.

[Thunderstruck]

It might be worth consulting with a lawyer -- it sounds like you have one on retainer? Only because videos and recordings touch on other laws. You don't want to get in a tangential lawsuit with your ex for showing videos that weren't your property, without his permission, without the D's permission.

If they were filmed privately by yourself or your x then there could be legal issues. You would have to look into the recording laws of your state.

If they're public (like a public post on facebook or a publicly viewable youtube account) then maybe you could just list the social media accounts of your x and let the CE discover them on his/her own?

We didn't focus too much on uBPDbm's behavior with her oldest daughter (who has a different father, is being raised by uBPDbm's parents in another state, and uBPDbm hasn't seen her in years). We did obtain police records for suspected abuse of the oldest and turned those over to the CE pretty much without comment. You want to strike a balance between establishing a pattern and looking too finger-pointy. It's tough.

[momtara]

Wow, what a thorny issue. You are right to ask about it.

By the way, keep pushing to keep those visits supervised. I felt too bad for my ex and let him take the kids without supervision after we divorced. Luckily nothing has happened so far, and he's kind of high functioning, but I still worry that something could trigger him one day. So just keep fighting like hell and don't let anyone convince you to let down your watch when your child is that young. If he wants them unsupervised some day, put a lot of conditions on it - a new eval first, maybe (they do take a long time), paid for by him, etc etc. For now seems like you have played it smart, but don't let your guard down someday.

[Thunderstruck]

Also I should say that one thing I've learned... .there are a lot of things that I would find inappropriate that uBPDbm does with SD10 that aren't actionable. Parents have different values. I'd say my parenting values are probably closer to yours, but not everyone is as awesome sauce as us.  

The knife thing, you would think is dangerous where another person might not "oh, they're just playing. and I was right there watching the whole time".

The bunny thing, you would think is neglectful where another person might think it was just a kid not quite knowing how to handle the pet.

The naked thing, you would think that's inappropriate but other parents might let their kids run around naked at home with no issues. (If the video is posted publicly, however, I'd think that's a bigger issue).

[Mrs. Hyde]

Thanks for the advice.  I never thought about potential legal implications of using videos.  I am working with a counselor who saw us both and believes that my husband has BPD.  As she put it "the pathology was dripping off the couch"  she will be a powerful witness on my behalf.  I am going to show her the videos and ask her whether I should show them to the custody evaluator.

I agree about keeping rigid boundaries with supervision.  Its not easy as he has been trying to Charm me with charm and professions of love into changing things.  He seems so sincere and I want to believe him but I know I cant.  He lies blatantly all the time.  He twists and spins everything.    It is just so damn sad.  Ughhh

[momtara]

As people here have told me, let him show he can change without you having to give in. If the situation were reversed, you'd do what you could do change. You only get a few chances to be tough. Hold on to your boundaries!