She Showed Me Pictures of Her and the New Boyfriend

[mrwigand]

My dBPDexg and I have been broken up for a few months, but we've have maintained a little contact, primarily because she owes me money from when I bailed her out of jail.

This past Sunday we had agreed to meet so she could pay me back the latest installment of what she owes. Now there was no tension associated with the meeting though. We had ended things on relatively good terms, so I thought it was going to be a straightforward affair.

Anyway, we meet and we make just a little bit of small talk. She had told me about these costume parties she had gone too prior, so I asked how everything went, etc. She was really excited and wanted to show me pictures. I probably should have just cut it short right there, but I decided to be cordial. I didn't want to make anything awkward. So, she starts showing me pics... .Fine, fine... .Then, bam - she starts cycling through pictures of her and her new boyfriend. I thought she was seeing someone, wasn't sure, but the pictures certainly confirmed it.

I'm just like, "Okay... .Thanks for the money, see you later." I guess the emotions were plain on my face because she texts immediately after to ask if "everything is cool between us" because I seemed uncomfortable.

I had tell her that in the future when we met for the money it would be better for me if we didn't showcase our current relationships to each other. When I said that she was very much, "Oh, yeah... .Of course. I didn't think you would mind though honestly. I thought you were over things between us."

I kept things really brief and clinical from there. Just told her, "Yeah, that's fair. I'm just telling you so there will be no confusion for the future."

And she goes on, "I guess I'm confused. I wish you would have said something sooner. Now I feel bad, like I led you on into thinking the situation was different than what it was." She's basically saying, "Sorry, did you think we were getting back together? I'm with this new guy now."

I wanted to get upset and be much more pointed with my words - tell her the obvious truth, that whether or not I'm over something that doesn't mean I want you to shove pictures of you and your new boyfriend in my face. But I felt that maybe that's she what she wanted. I don't want to get caught up in trying to assign motive or intent to what's in her head, but I decided not to get as pointed as my initial reaction was leading me. Instead, I just told her, "Yeah, I understand. No worries. Didn't think you were leading me on or anything. Just would prefer to avoid that situation in the future." She said that wouldn't be a problem.

I don't know... .She's either being dense or purposefully manipulative. I thought I needed the money, but I think I'm finally ready to leave the money behind (just like most here suggested). I've asked her to send me the money in the past or hand it off to a third party, but that just caused her to freak, and honestly I don't want to deal with that reaction anymore than I want to deal with her jealousy tactics. At this point, I think it's just best to leave it alone.

What'a amazing is that somehow I can still be hurt and even surprised when this kind of behavior continually resurfaces. It's not the first time she's displayed these types of poor boundaries when it came to my feelings post-breakup. She would frequently find ways to tell me if someone was hitting on her, if she was perhaps seeing someone new, etc. The methods would always be innocuous like this one. I know this is classic BPD behavior and I just need to detach from it. Maybe one day .

[Infared]

CLEARLY it was done on purpose. CLEARLY.

I think that you handled it very well considering it was "sprung" on you. You showed enough appropriate annoyance to then set a boundary for future business connections so you could get paid back and take care of you... .If you showed any more emotion or "got into it" it would have just given her enjoyment which is what she was obviously looking for. She brought up the topic and immediately whipped out the photos!Pretty transparent as to her motives.

I think you did a GREAT job of showing restraint and acted maturely in the face of extremely immature punishing behavior. BRAVO for you, being the adult and keeping a lid on it!

[DyingLove]

My dBPDexg and I have been broken up for a few months, but we've have maintained a little contact, primarily because she owes me money from when I bailed her out of jail.

This past Sunday we had agreed to meet so she could pay me back the latest installment of what she owes. Now there was no tension associated with the meeting though. We had ended things on relatively good terms, so I thought it was going to be a straightforward affair.

Anyway, we meet and we make just a little bit of small talk. She had told me about these costume parties she had gone too prior, so I asked how everything went, etc. She was really excited and wanted to show me pictures. I probably should have just cut it short right there, but I decided to be cordial. I didn't want to make anything awkward. So, she starts showing me pics... .Fine, fine... .Then, bam - she starts cycling through pictures of her and her new boyfriend. I thought she was seeing someone, wasn't sure, but the pictures certainly confirmed it.

I'm just like, "Okay... .Thanks for the money, see you later." I guess the emotions were plain on my face because she texts immediately after to ask if "everything is cool between us" because I seemed uncomfortable.

I had tell her that in the future when we met for the money it would be better for me if we didn't showcase our current relationships to each other. When I said that she was very much, "Oh, yeah... .Of course. I didn't think you would mind though honestly. I thought you were over things between us."

I kept things really brief and clinical from there. Just told her, "Yeah, that's fair. I'm just telling you so there will be no confusion for the future."

And she goes on, "I guess I'm confused. I wish you would have said something sooner. Now I feel bad, like I led you on into thinking the situation was different than what it was." She's basically saying, "Sorry, did you think we were getting back together? I'm with this new guy now."

I wanted to get upset and be much more pointed with my words - tell her the obvious truth, that whether or not I'm over something that doesn't mean I want you to shove pictures of you and your new boyfriend in my face. But I felt that maybe that's she what she wanted. I don't want to get caught up in trying to assign motive or intent to what's in her head, but I decided not to get as pointed as my initial reaction was leading me. Instead, I just told her, "Yeah, I understand. No worries. Didn't think you were leading me on or anything. Just would prefer to avoid that situation in the future." She said that wouldn't be a problem.

I don't know... .She's either being dense or purposefully manipulative. I thought I needed the money, but I think I'm finally ready to leave the money behind (just like most here suggested). I've asked her to send me the money in the past or hand it off to a third party, but that just caused her to freak, and honestly I don't want to deal with that reaction anymore than I want to deal with her jealousy tactics. At this point, I think it's just best to leave it alone.

What'a amazing is that somehow I can still be hurt and even surprised when this kind of behavior continually resurfaces. It's not the first time she's displayed these types of poor boundaries when it came to my feelings post-breakup. She would frequently find ways to tell me if someone was hitting on her, if she was perhaps seeing someone new, etc. The methods would always be innocuous like this one. I know this is classic BPD behavior and I just need to detach from it. Maybe one day .

Sounded like showing you the pictures was a good way to sneak the pics of her and her new flame in "by accident".  I'd say it was manipulative. I see that nothing the ex's do is for our benefit. How could it be? That, once again, is why NC is so important.  Maybe you can have YOUR new flame pick up the cash next time!  ;-)

[ZeusRLX]

Sounded like showing you the pictures was a good way to sneak the pics of her and her new flame in "by accident".  I'd say it was manipulative. I see that nothing the ex's do is for our benefit. How could it be? That, once again, is why NC is so important.  Maybe you can have YOUR new flame pick up the cash next time!  ;-)

Of course, that was not an accident, it was very manipulative. It's what they do.

[Fromsainttosinner]

I am so sorry to hear that... .thoughtless and disrespectful ... .guess what my exBPDbf did... .sent pictures of me scantily clad to his ex a month after we met/had the fairy tale romance etc... .I found out later... .It must be a trait... .how horrible and disrespectful is that.X

[Ex_CB_Partner]

I can absolutely relate to your experience.

An extract from my story connected to visual media: pictures of her happy family life with my replacement, of her topless (hinted) affair, a video of her dancing in an inappropriate way and lifting her skirt... .If you asked her about her intention she would be indignant that someone could even ask. She '... .always want'(s) 'just the best... .'  for me. I shall '... .never forget that... .'.

It is consciously manipulative and planned. Nothing else. Understanding these things and keeping them in mind had/have a notable effect in my recovery process.

Therefore, I think it´s the right way to write about such incidents here as you (or anyone else) might get an appropriate acknowledgment which helps to see what is real.

[Infared]

Reading these posts is making me SICK!       

MrWigand... .perhaps you can have her just snail-mail you your remaining installments and that way you can avoid the "games" and contact altogether!  Just a thought.

[DyingLove]

Sounded like showing you the pictures was a good way to sneak the pics of her and her new flame in "by accident".  I'd say it was manipulative. I see that nothing the ex's do is for our benefit. How could it be? That, once again, is why NC is so important.  Maybe you can have YOUR new flame pick up the cash next time!  ;-)

Of course, that was not an accident, it was very manipulative. It's what they do.

Yep, that's why "by accident" was in quotes LOL.  It wasn't an accident.  My ex was very "mild", I guess high functioning, so you didn't see things so apparently.  Time to remove the paper label on my back that says "SUCKER".

[Arcturus81]

They thrive on manipulation and I agree with everyone else. It is intentional.

However this works both ways. The last time I talked with my exBPD I mentioned in the conversation that I had been dating someone else and the whole tone of the conversation changed (even though she was seeing my replacement and I knew about it). You would have thought I committed the worst possible sin. She went from happy to splitting black in under a second. She said things like "I hope she treats you better than I did" (sarcasm). She did not enjoy having her "toy" being played with by others.

Go NC and find yourself. Once you do you will be able to find your true love who is waiting out there for you.

[ZeusRLX]

Since we're sharing stories... .

After I left mine, she posted a melodramatic message on her FB about how in love she is, tagged the new victim and made the post public.

She never makes anything public so the only reason she did that was so I would see it (we're not friends on there, naturally). Then she did something else really sneaky to get me to check her FB page while the posts were up and it worked.

I'm guessing at that point I was supposed to cry "Woe is me!" and realize what a terrible mistake I made and start chasing her.

[Learning Fast]

Since we're all piling on... .

Whenever something happens between us that's deemed to be my fault, mine has a habit of removing all of the FB photos of her that I like and replacing them with archived photos of her and her ex from the past several years.  Since social media is almost exclusively used for sharing current events in our lives, this is manipulation pure and simple.  Additionally, this is from a 44 year old woman which shows that this element of BPD emotional immaturity knows no age boundaries

I've come to agree with another post that I read several days ago.  The amount of internal hurt and pain that they are experiecing is directly correlated with the amount of external happiness and bliss that is displayed in any type of social arena.  pwBPD have to rid themselves of this internal agony and there is no better way than to project it in the direction where it is deemed to have the most impact---us.  In other words---if the pwBPD is miserable, angry and hurt then we should be as well (in their distorted viewpoint of things).

[Mutt]

Hi mrwigand,

I can understand how that would sting. I'm sorry.

she starts cycling through pictures of her and her new boyfriend.

"Oh, yeah... .Of course. I didn't think you would mind though honestly. I thought you were over things between us."

I think it displays that she's not thinking about how it would affect you or putting herself in your shoes and less so manipulation.

I think it shows lack of empathy.

[mrwigand]

I can certainly buy that as well.

[Infared]

Hi mrwigand,

I can understand how that would sting. I'm sorry.

she starts cycling through pictures of her and her new boyfriend.

"Oh, yeah... .Of course. I didn't think you would mind though honestly. I thought you were over things between us."

I think it displays that she's not thinking about how it would affect you or putting herself in your shoes and less so manipulation.

I think it shows lack of empathy.

You could be right about that too, Mutt.

It is hard to believe that someone could be that self-centered and have so little awareness whatsoever of how their actions effect another person's feelings though. Then again, we are talking about someone with a personality disorder.

[Mutt]

A little while back my ex had brought one of her boyfriend's family member at a switch off with my kids on a Friday night. I felt triggered and angry that she brought his family member along because it reminded me of how he walked into my marriage and how things were distorted and validated with family members and friends.

In her mind she's dissociated the affair and projected her bad behaviors and I'm the fallguy  

I had told her that I don't mind if she's late to pick up the kids if that means she's not bringing someone to tag along. She said it's her business with whom she brings along and inferred that I'm controlling. I thought You're not thinking beforehand and putting yourself in my shoes and how it may hurt my feelings.

She projected and it showed me she lacks empathy and I don't think it was deliberate or thought out and I think the example below is an example of subconsciously projecting.

I didn't think you would mind though honestly. I thought you were over things between us.

[Loosestrife]

Sorry you had to endure this. I would have as little contact as possible. How much does she owe you? Is it worth it?

[Infared]

In her mind she's dissociated the affair and projected her bad behaviors and I'm the fallguy  

Your quote above is "exactly" what I had to live through.

Mutt... .thank GOD ... .I had no children with my ex. and absolute NC. (even at that she still tries to ambush me occasionally in public places... .but I do not allow it). ... .

You could be right, you are a very aware guy... .That your ex thought nothing of bringing an inappropriate person along while dropping off the kids. With absolutely no awareness that she had betrayed, abandoned you... .and that this action could effect you negatively.  

I have witnessed both behaviors in mine. A complete lack of empathy and a direct action that she knew would cause me  pain (and her enjoying that).  

Its hard to know what is going on with someone who it that mentally sick.    

I am sorry that you and the rest of us have had to go through these repeated behaviors that cause us pain.  I am very grateful to be able to come here and at least share with people who have endured the same situation.  It helps keep my sanity, because sometimes I think that MY feelings and awarenesses are not valid or mistaken. Thanks for being here.

[mrwigand]

Sorry you had to endure this. I would have as little contact as possible. How much does she owe you? Is it worth it?

At this point she only owes me $350 dollars more. That's actually not an insignificant amount of money to me (it's a month's rent where I live, so I could use), but it's not indispensable either. I'm seriously considering just letting it go.

[apollotech]

"I've asked her to send me the money in the past or hand it off to a third party, but that just caused her to freak, and honestly I don't want to deal with that reaction anymore than I want to deal with her jealousy tactics."

IMVHO, this is where the manipulation occurred. She got exactly what she wanted, to meet with you on a schedule.

Have you thought of opening a separate bank account and have her deposit the money directly into said account? Do not use one of your regular accounts for this and be very sure that there isn't a credit line attached to the account.

I personally think she just wants to see you. Her "fit" was manipulation to make that possible. I would certainly give her a very strict agenda for the next meeting if this is the only way that she will make the payment. This is a business transaction, cordiality doesn't need to extend beyond hello, thank you, and goodbye.

[Mutt]

She may of freaked because she doesn't take responsibility for herself and looks to others for rescue and to take care of her. If you don't want to deal with the shenanigans and are leaning towards letting it go, she may be more trouble than what it's worth. Take it as a lesson learned and don't lend her money again.

I think appollotech has a good suggestion with opening up a separate bank account. Past behaviors predict futures ones and she may not react well to boundaries, it's not a guarantee that she's not going to avoid paying the money.

You know her better than anyone on the boards with finances and responsibility.

[Infared]

"I've asked her to send me the money in the past or hand it off to a third party, but that just caused her to freak, and honestly I don't want to deal with that reaction anymore than I want to deal with her jealousy tactics."

IMVHO, this is where the manipulation occurred. She got exactly what she wanted, to meet with you on a schedule.

Have you thought of opening a separate bank account and have her deposit the money directly into said account? Do not use one of your regular accounts for this and be very sure that there isn't a credit line attached to the account.

I personally think she just wants to see you. Her "fit" was manipulation to make that possible. I would certainly give her a very strict agenda for the next meeting if this is the only way that she will make the payment. This is a business transaction, cordiality doesn't need to extend beyond hello, thank you, and goodbye.

I TOTALLY a agree with your assessment, appollotech!

What ADULT cannot put a check in an envelope and mail it? It's drama to control you. Then, of course, she had the opportunity to show you the photos.

God they are soo... .soo sick!

I had to learn to set extreme boundaries o protect myself. With others it is just not necessary. It certainly does take a while to catch on, though.

[once removed]

i agree with mutt about it being more about a lack of empathy than conscious manipulation.

youre weighing getting the money back or not. mutt also mentioned that enforcing boundaries could potentially mean she avoids paying it to you.

my advice? if you want the money, keep doing what youre doing. youre getting the money and that suggests its not unobtainable. in this scenario, you may not be able to control her, but you can control you. you did agree to look at the pictures in the first place. you can avoid such things in the future. youve already indicated to her that youd appreciate it if it didnt happen again.

as apollotech said, "This is a business transaction, cordiality doesn't need to extend beyond hello, thank you, and goodbye." if you want the money, and stick to this, i think its your best bet. if youd rather not deal with her at all, and want to eliminate virtually any opportunity she has to hurt you, write the money off.

[Trog]

Making you jealous to see if you are still hooked.

Ooops

She accidentally showed you that picture.

Ooops

It's playground behaviour and you responded admirably. It's so so so disappointing isn't it? They just re confirm, and re confirm it over and over. They learn nothing, repeat the same mistakes, over and over and blame others for it. Time to get a new idea.

[mrwigand]

"I've asked her to send me the money in the past or hand it off to a third party, but that just caused her to freak, and honestly I don't want to deal with that reaction anymore than I want to deal with her jealousy tactics."

IMVHO, this is where the manipulation occurred. She got exactly what she wanted, to meet with you on a schedule.

Have you thought of opening a separate bank account and have her deposit the money directly into said account? Do not use one of your regular accounts for this and be very sure that there isn't a credit line attached to the account.

I personally think she just wants to see you. Her "fit" was manipulation to make that possible. I would certainly give her a very strict agenda for the next meeting if this is the only way that she will make the payment. This is a business transaction, cordiality doesn't need to extend beyond hello, thank you, and goodbye.

After this last incident I'm trying to make arrangements for her to send me the money or find some other accommodation. Don't know how she's going to handle it. I'll probably give her a few weeks before reaching out again and then contact her mid-June to see if she can pay me back at the beginning July in a fashion where we don't have to meet.

[UserName69]

But we've have maintained a little contact, primarily because she owes me money from when I bailed her out of jail.

In your case it was about money, you should stick to getting your money back. You should have told her to keep private and businesses matters separated. Your goal is to get your money back, next time let her know that. If she tells you I want to show you something tell her that you're not interested in whatever she does, and make sure she understands it. Try to be straight forward and don't fall in her emotional traps. Never ever forget why she's your ex now.

You know what I would have said? I would tell her "Gosh, I really wonder if your new boyfriend will bail you out when you're in trouble      ". My exPBD had a similar situation with her ex, she owed him money and she paid his bills and schoolbooks. Just before we broke up I made a comment about it, now she's very mad and upset she really deserved it and to be honest whenever I think about it I do laugh. I told my boss about it and he couldn't stop laughing. Yeah I know it sounds cruel but she had it coming, I guess I said it because I really didn't care/love her anymore. I just had enough of all her BS.

[Infared]

Making you jealous to see if you are still hooked.

Ooops

She accidentally showed you that picture.

Ooops

It's playground behaviour and you responded admirably. It's so so so disappointing isn't it? They just re confirm, and re confirm it over and over. They learn nothing, repeat the same mistakes, over and over and blame others for it. Time to get a new idea.

This is exactly what I experienced... .over and over.

[Fromsainttosinner]

Do you really think there are honest, true, funny, witty mentally sane folk out there ? I'm not so sure anymore. I would ask for a clean  GU ticket and full mental health screen before I dared meet anyone for coffee again... .I think this may have scarred me for life. Devastated.

[hibye]

Since we're sharing stories... .

After I left mine, she posted a melodramatic message on her FB about how in love she is, tagged the new victim and made the post public.

I'm guessing at that point I was supposed to cry "Woe is me!" and realize what a terrible mistake I made and start chasing her.

LOL same here... she did exactly the same thing... but instead of chasing her, a beautiful friend of mine is posting things and photos of us and this is freaking her out. She wants to feel like the trophy that i've lost... but i don't bother... on the contrary... i have great time too... heh

[UserName69]

Since we're sharing stories... .

After I left mine, she posted a melodramatic message on her FB about how in love she is, tagged the new victim and made the post public.

I'm guessing at that point I was supposed to cry "Woe is me!" and realize what a terrible mistake I made and start chasing her.

LOL same here... she did exactly the same thing... but instead of chasing her, a beautiful friend of mine is posting things and photos of us and this is freaking her out. She wants to feel like the trophy that i've lost... but i don't bother... on the contrary... i have great time too... heh

Mine did the same, whenever we used to breakup she used to "flirt" with guys on Facebook. I never get jealous over anything, whenever I saw that on Facebook I really laughed because I knew she wanted to make me jealous. Once when we broke up I decided to visit a bar, I met a girl and I maintained contact with her. Later me and my exBPD got back together and later we broke up, this was the final time.

Later me and the other girl started to date etc now she's my girlfriend (unofficial), I thanked my exBPD for treating me like crap because of her I met this other girl. This was one of the last things I told her before I went in full no contact. Was it cruel? Yes I believe so but she really REALLY deserved it. I didn't feel guilty because I started to hate her for all those games she used to play.

[hibye]

Later me and the other girl started to date etc now she's my girlfriend (unofficial), I thanked my exBPD for treating me like crap because of her I met this other girl. This was one of the last things I told her before I went in full no contact. Was it cruel? Yes I believe so but she really REALLY deserved it. I didn't feel guilty because I started to hate her for all those games she used to play.

I dont think it was cruel my friend considering what we have been through these kind of relationships. It was pretty sincere action though. In our last contact i told her that i was staying because of pity and this was the truth too. She had himiliated and disrespected everything we had. Their fear of abandonment and their actions to prevent it does not reinforce feelings of love but only pity and guilt.