Boyfriend says he can't live w/o me one day and disregards me the next

[EmHunt2]

Hello! I am seeking relationship advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly a year and it has been wonderful. He makes me very happy. SOme background: my boyfriend acts a bit strange in social situations (as my friends say). He never really had close friends in high school. I think he has some self-esteem issues; in new social situations he feels overwhelmed. He is rude to people (people he has just met or acquaintances) as a strategy to make himself feel better than others immidiately. But all this does is make people dislike him. He wants friends, but he has so much social anxiety and comes off as rude and arrogant... .most people would rather not spend their time with him. But I have grown very fond of him. After several years of him displaying interest in me, I finally fell for him. I used to hang out with him periodically and actually feel freaked out or afraid of him. I always thought he has some great qualities  (he is fun, he is up to do anything and very sweet and accommodating; his humor has grown on me as well), but then he would all of a sudden say something very rude and hurtful (I'm not sure if he fully understands others' emotions), or he would put his hand on me very aggressively (but what he saw as a joke). This made me stay away from him. But this summer he seemed to have grown up and I allowed myself to get to know him and I honestly had the best summer of my life with him.

To get to our current relationship---it is great when he is happy and awful when he is sad. He was diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD as a child/adolescent (he told me). But he is sure he was misdiagnosed. At first I believed his symptoms were probably bipolar, but I now have a feeling they might fall more closely under BPD. I know I cannot diagnose him, but I am seeking advice nonetheless. He was prescribed medication and HATED them. He says the meds made him feel "not like himself" and were the reason he was weird as a kid. At this point in our relationship I have experienced 5 or 6 major episodes of him drastically changing his mood, it doesn't seem severe enough to meet full on "manic" behavior. He also quickly switches from low to high. Only two of these situations have been directly related or instigated by our relationship. Once was a few months into our relationship. I forgot to mention we are long distance. We had just had the most wonderful weekend together, definitely in the "honeymoon" phase. He told me he loved me and wanted me to go on his family vacation with him and booked the tickets for the following month. I got home elated, telling my friends how wonderful it was, only to get a text from him that evening saying he knew I had cheated on him (which I had not) and that it was over. He proceeding to call me nasty names via text the next day and was completely unaffected by my emotional responses and confusion. That night he said we were back together. We were then good for a week. He agreed that I probably hadn't cheated on him (so not fully convinced) but said he was over it. Then he booked his plane tickets to unexpectedly see me because he felt he had been so awful and mean to me that he needed to make it up to me. I told him he didn't have to at all if he didn't want to but he was SURE he wanted to. Then two days before his flights he texted me again, in a similar way, saying he knew I had cheated and that he needed space. I was devastated and so confused. How could he flip flop? I tried to convince him to still come or at least talk to me but he barely did for days. Then about 5 days later he texts me saying that "I win" and that he loves me and he is sorry and proceeded to send me many expensive gifts to "make up" for his behavior and the sadness he caused.

Now I have seen him experience intense anxiety a few times this year over situations that should not elicit such anxiety. But he confides in me. When he has difficult days, he tells me he is so happy to have me. As he has so few friends and very unstable relationships with his family members. After that first flip/flop on how he feels about me we have been pretty solid for seven months in between then and now. (With a few fights and him acting impulsively or being far more sensitive to certain social situations or things I say than I could have ever expected).

Just recently he has done the same sort of behavior towards me. Ditching a plan we made to spend this weekend together at home by going on an impulsive 16 hour road trip which he "had to do." I begged him not to as I was planning to come home to him in just a few days as we were both so looking forward to, but throughout the trip he said he just had to. So I accepted it. I felt a little sad and like I cant trust him because he can't stick to plans, but if he wanted to get away for a while I had no issue with it as I am still finishing school and he is already on break. Once he arrived he called and told me he didn't know why he had gone there. He was so sorry because he knew all he wanted to do was be with me and that he would be making the trip back (directly to my school) the next day. I told him to wait a day and sleep and relax and then maybe come, that I wasn't mad he was so far away now, just that he hadn't communicated his plan and refused to rationally discuss it with me until 16 hours later when he got there and realized it wasn't what he wanted. He felt awful, and said he is sorry and cried on the phone and said that he loves me more than anything and I am the most stable thing in his life. But a few hours later, he was less loving and was almost accusatory. He said that I should have done a better job of convincing him to turn around while he was driving (even though I tried my hardest and told him I wanted him to stay near). He also got angry that I was in communication with his father while he was driving, who was worried about him. His father often calls me when he is worried about him or when he is unresponsive. We communicate, it helps me to get his perspective as someone who knows him well and it helps him gain information about his sons whereabouts. He was upset that I had told his father he had been drinking before he started the drive. In retrospect maybe I shouldn't have but I was worried about him and I wanted his Dad, who is more capable of handing the situation, to know the details. So last night he got very angry at me for that and I told him that if he is so annoyed and unhappy with me then he doesn't have to make the trip up, because I just want him to do what actually makes him happy. I don't want him to come here and be miserable, it will only lead to conflict. But he said no he will see me tomorrow and to just stop talking or calling him back and go to sleep and he loves me. A few hours later I get a text from him at 2 am saying "I'm not coming." I called him and he didn't answer. And now his phone and laptop are both dead and my messages nor calls go through.

I am not upset that he doesn't want to come. I am upset that he made an elaborate plan once again, that this is what he wants to do, that he has no idea why he is all the way down there and he needs to be with me etc. only to then change his mind again. I also fear that he will do what he did 7 months ago and break up with me (I love him and that is not what I want)... .I don't know how to handle this situation or any future situations? Should I back off? Should I comfort him and tell him it is OK that he doesn't want to come back and apologize for talking to his dad? (I do feel bad because I wouldn't want a friend to tell my mom the illegal things I have done, but I think he should understand I was genuinely scared for his safety).

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[naguma]

It's hard, but you have to listen to what they say, in their round about way.

When he got angry because he didn't want to come, then ended up promising to come. You should have said "Ohh baby, you have come. How will I do *something validating* without you here.". Don't ignore the fact he is irrational and communicates differently.

When he said he wasn't coming, you should have said as though it didn't effect you "No problem, I'll probably just check out *such and such bar*". The BPD will start coming around more often, they need control of some sort so they can feel secure - it's how they were raised. If you can supply all forms of control and validation - I don't advocate misusing this - they will stay home. If your missing to many key parts of control, they will fill that with someone else.

It can be hard to tell what they are feeling. As long as you can maintain complete emotional control and don't get offended, then a BPD will stay around.

[an0ught]

Hi EmHunt2,

I am not upset that he doesn't want to come. I am upset that he made an elaborate plan once again, that this is what he wants to do, that he has no idea why he is all the way down there and he needs to be with me etc. only to then change his mind again. I also fear that he will do what he did 7 months ago and break up with me (I love him and that is not what I want)... .I don't know how to handle this situation or any future situations? Should I back off? Should I comfort him and tell him it is OK that he doesn't want to come back and apologize for talking to his dad? (I do feel bad because I wouldn't want a friend to tell my mom the illegal things I have done, but I think he should understand I was genuinely scared for his safety).

Well, I guess you are upset and quite understandably - you are posting here and are sharing your fears and frustration 

Dealing with BPD requires attention and honesty with respect to our own emotions. They guide our behavior. We radiate and transfer them on others. They distort our perception of the emotions of others. Knowing what we feel helps us seeing clearer what the other person feels and enables us to validate more accurately.

Should I comfort him and tell him it is OK that he doesn't want to come back and apologize for talking to his dad?

To comfort him would be telling him that things are not bad. That could be invalidating if he feels they are bad. A very important first learning when it comes to validation is that we need to learn to validate negative stuff. In the world of a distressed pwBPD a lot is negative and when we try to push some happy feelings into that world we make it worse.

So a better strategy is to share your understanding that he is upset and needs some space at the moment.

Don't apologize for something you don't believe. If you truly think you made a mistake apologize clearly once - explain where your error is, don't justify or minimize etc. - and leave it at that. If you are standing by your decision of the past then simply don't apologize (don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain --> JADE).



a0