Pain=unconditional love

[Allmessedup]

back when I was here before a member asked me about this.  Probably seeking balance:). I find myself contemplating this today and wanted to bring it up for discussion.

Back in my relationship when we broke up the first time I had the worst days about missing her when I was sick, stressed, upset. I see this again in my sadness last night.  I was stressed as hell about somethings that we're going on at work and took a huge financial hit by finding out I needed to replace my whole hvac syste yesterday.

Consequently last night I was super sad.  Missing her. Whereas I have been doing ok.

This is a recurring theme for me honestly and I am wondering if others share this experience.

I know some if not all of this stems from my UBPD mother.  If I was sick, sad stressed she was actually very kind to me.  My dxBPD exgf also could exhibit this although not as consistently as my mother by far.

It's as if I only expect unconditional love when I am hurting in some way.

Last night I thought about how I could essentially give myself the things that she used to give me and I think in some ways this is perhaps a key to what I am missing.

Any thoughts?

[Panda39]

It's as if I only expect unconditional love when I am hurting in some way.

But it's not unconditional... .you must be hurting to receive the love, that in it's self is a condition.   

Last night I thought about how I could essentially give myself the things that she used to give me and I think in some ways this is perhaps a key to what I am missing.

You're on to something here... .it is self love and you are right you can give yourself the things she used to give you.  It's my belief that in truely loving yourself and caring for yourself is a path to happiness.  By loving and caring for yourself you do things that bring you joy, happiness, health, satisfaction, knowledge etc.  I also think you bring healthier people into your life as well... .like attracts like.

[Allmessedup]

So true panda... .it's incredibly conditional!  I never saw it that way before but it's true!

It's funny that you brought up self love today... .after I posted here i journaled for a long time about really figuring out who I am and being happy with her.  I wrote a list of things I liked.  Things I enjoy.  A lot of those things were either traits she did not share or things she adamantly distained.   So all of a sudden I began not to like those things

For instance I am a girl who really likes pretty.  I like my home to look pretty, I love beautiful things and surrounding myself with them makes me feel happy.  Flowers etc.  I love beauty.

She however was incredibly practical and not interested in such at all.  Said it was superficial.  Pointless.  Over time I stopped desiring pretty as well.   Stopped taking care of my flowers, stopped enjoying my sunsets and sunrises stopped caring about my home.  But thst was not me.  That was her.  That's what I need to seperate out here. 

[Panda39]

For instance I am a girl who really likes pretty.  I like my home to look pretty, I love beautiful things and surrounding myself with them makes me feel happy.  Flowers etc.  I love beauty.

She however was incredibly practical and not interested in such at all.  Said it was superficial.  Pointless.  Over time I stopped desiring pretty as well.   Stopped taking care of my flowers, stopped enjoying my sunsets and sunrises stopped caring about my home.  But thst was not me.  That was her.  That's what I need to separate out here. 

I had a similar experience as my marriage was ending.  I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years (I'm here because my SO has an uBPDxw).  I was crawling up the hole that is depression and was starting to reassert myself, my wants, my needs.  I'm artistic, have a Bachelor of Fine Arts Degree but wasn't doing anything with it. 

I work for a large hospital that has an employee craft fair.  After being encouraged by a friend to participate I decided to do it.  I told my husband and his comment was "why you won't make any money"    He never understood that creating things was part of who I am it wasn't about making money it was about being creative. That comment was his attempt to keep me down because I was making a come back and I think he was beginning to feel it  

I had the best time socializing with my co-workers, showing another part of myself that most didn't know about, stretching myself by trying something new, getting validation for my creations and after a day and a half of selling $5 packs of greeting cards I came home feeling great and with $300 in my pocket! 

When someone really loves us (and we love ourselves) we are loved as we are and encouraged to be our better selves, our authentic selves.  My current SO has given me gift certificates to the craft supply store, has braved many hours at the fabric store, has talked to me about how I display my wares at the craft fair, and is nudging me to try selling on ETSY.  On the flip side I have seen all the Star Trek and Avenger movies, have looked at 10 million big screen TVs, have visited car sales lots and have gone to the annual car show several times because my honey loves cars.  Neither of us has to give up who we are and our own interests instead we learn from each others interests.

So I say follow your bliss and decorate away!  Don't let anyone (yourself included) devalue who you are, what you are interested in and what you enjoy.  You, your thoughts, your opinions, your ideas, your creativity and especially your decorating style! are just as valuable as anyone else's.

[Allmessedup]

Panda, you touched on something very close to my heart tonight.  I am a nurse by profession.  A very good nurse actually but my heart is no longer there. 


I too am a creative soul at heart... .My passion is photography.  I have been thinking a lot about giving up my nursing career to fufill my  passion full time.

It's a very scary step.  I may not make much money at all.  And my exBPDgf was really against me giving up my nursing career... .but I think this will make my soul much happier if I fufill my dreams instead of everyone else's expectations.

I have not made a final decision yet... .But your validation and kind words helped a great deal... .thank you!

[Panda39]

Panda, you touched on something very close to my heart tonight.  I am a nurse by profession.  A very good nurse actually but my heart is no longer there. 


I too am a creative soul at heart... .My passion is photography.  I have been thinking a lot about giving up my nursing career to fufill my  passion full time.

It's a very scary step.  I may not make much money at all.  And my exBPDgf was really against me giving up my nursing career... .but I think this will make my soul much happier if I fufill my dreams instead of everyone else's expectations.

I have not made a final decision yet... .But your validation and kind words helped a great deal... .thank you!

I doesn't have to be nursing or photography... .for awhile it could be both... .a transition (nurses can have pretty flexible schedules) or maybe you could take a personal leave of absence instead of quitting so you can try full-time photography out before letting your job go completely or you could just let go of the nursing and dive right in.  You will always have nursing to fall back on if you need it.  Luckily experienced nurses are always in demand.  Whatever works for you I say give it a try.  It's scary, it's exciting, and can be very rewarding!

[Allmessedup]

Thanks for the encouragement Panda:)

I failed to say I have been doing both for about a year now.  Moderately successful photography business, part time nursing work.  I have been waiting to see if I can be sure I am successful before leaving nursing.  It's that control thing.  I like to be sure. 

It is super scary to contemplate but also exciting.  Kind of like a break away from who everyone expects me to be.  Surprisingly I introduced the idea to some very good friends last night who are also incredibly conservative and practical.and quite honest.  They were delighted with the idea where as I thought they would attempt to talk me out of it. 

So perhaps the expectations aren't so much what others place on me but rather what I place on myself

[Panda39]

Thanks for the encouragement Panda:)

I failed to say I have been doing both for about a year now.  Moderately successful photography business, part time nursing work.  I have been waiting to see if I can be sure I am successful before leaving nursing.  It's that control thing.  I like to be sure. 

It is super scary to contemplate but also exciting.  Kind of like a break away from who everyone expects me to be.  Surprisingly I introduced the idea to some very good friends last night who are also incredibly conservative and practical.and quite honest.  They were delighted with the idea where as I thought they would attempt to talk me out of it. 

Allmessedup,

Sounds like you've got some good people in your corner 

I've been mulling over ETSY for some time. My goal is to do that in addition to my current job.  I'm struggling with time.  Single mom working full-time doing a job that over the last 4 years has gotten bigger (we've had layoffs so 3 of us now do what 5 people used to do), trying to maintain my household, spend time with my son and with my SO and his kids, spend time with friends, get some downtime for me and make time to figure out, set up and manage a page on ETSY 

So perhaps the expectations aren't so much what others place on me but rather what I place on myself

I have experienced this too... .My own thinking can be my own worst enemy and keep me stuck.  Stuck in an unhappy marriage or not allowing myself to move forward.  Below is a quote of mine from another post, about who I used to be and that I can still fall back into at times now.  The good news is I am getting better at recognizing my own self-sabotage.  Do you hear the "rationalization" in my post above about ETSY?    My challenge is to figure out if it is rationalization or do I have a legitimate issue here.  This is what I'm struggling with right now.  I want to do this but I don't want to be so over extended that I don't enjoy it.

My biggest obstacle has always been myself... .fear, low self esteem, inflexibility, stuck in my own rationalizations... .did I say fear? Fear of being hurt, fear of failing, fear of rejection, fear of letting people down... .

So as you think about whether to take the plunge or not really think about what is keeping you from taking that first step... .is it a legitimate issue or is it self imposed. 

[Allmessedup]

Ahh panda,

What a busy life you have too! I have four kids so I get it totally!

It can be so overwhelming!

I hear your rationalization... .and your fear:)

The fear about if we can do it all.  The fear of whether or not it's worth it.  Whether it will be successful.

Very similar to what I struggle with!    That fear on if I make my photography a job will I begin to hate it, will it fail, am I smart enough/good enough to run my own business, will I be over extending myself?  Is it just another "project"  (code pendants really love projects and I am working on my codependency stuff).


So basically I have lots of fear.  Rationalization come in when I say am I ok with stopping a secure nursing job.  Am I just being a dreamer.  Those kinds of questions.

Tough stuff!

Fwiw, I absolutely adore etsy:))

[Panda39]

I've been mulling over ETSY for some time. My goal is to do that in addition to my current job.  I'm struggling with time.  Single mom working full-time doing a job that over the last 4 years has gotten bigger (we've had layoffs so 3 of us now do what 5 people used to do), trying to maintain my household, spend time with my son and with my SO and his kids, spend time with friends, get some downtime for me and make time to figure out, set up and manage a page on ETSY   

Oh and I forgot to add the creative/emotional space and the time it takes to create things to sell on ETSY. 

As I'm writing this I think my solution is to postpone.  Not give up but wait.  My son is in his last year of college starting in the Fall and will soon be on his way... .giving me more space literally and emotionally.  In the meantime I work on making my scarves when I can so I have stock to sell when I'm ready. 

I appreciate this opportunity to talk through this it helps me process.  You're right it is tough stuff!  When is it being sensible vs being fearful? 

But to go back to your original post isn't it nice to have the freedom to dream and not have it squashed by someone else?  Whatever we do or don't do we make our own decision, not because someone else pushed a decision upon us!

It's up to us to take the reigns and sink or swim 

Panda39

[Allmessedup]

Sounds to me like you may be waiting to open your store but preparing all the same.  Sounds like moving forward an YOUR timeline and when it is best for you:)

I think that freedom is a bit scary in and of itself.  I have spent a great deal of time not having it!  It's nice, but a bit overwhelming as well!

Thank you for talking me thru this panda!

Amu

[Panda39]

I've enjoyed our conversation too 

[Allmessedup]

So panda guess what?

Yesterday I quit my nursing job.

It's a long story but a coworkers verbal abuse ultimately prompted me to finally make a decision.  And now I am soley an entrepanuer:)

I have given myself a year to see where this goes.  I am shaking up my life in a big big big way but ultimately if I am successful it will be so so much better for both me and the kids.   I am 42 and pretty much just starting my life over. 

It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time.  Financially I am able to do it but it scares me as my self confidence is a bit shaky.  However I love your tag line (and pink) so it's time to just look fear in the face and say I just don't care

[Panda39]

I think there are a reasons these things happen in our lives when they do... .that person gave you the nudge you needed.

Keep me posted on your progress I'd love to hear about it... .congratulations on taking that big step!

Panda39