Final bit of advice needed I feel

[DestroyedKnight]

Hi everyone,I really have come on leaps and bounds in the past 8 months or so.No longer the complete wreck I was in the beginning and not so daunted by the prospect of my future without my self proclaimed 'soul mate'

During these last 8 months she has told me she would always love me,slept with me on a few occasions,played very sick and twisted mind games with me.Now we are at a point where I can only describe as calm.No longer is she dysregulated,and it seems like her emotions have come back to an even keel.No more distortion campaigns although the damage had already been done many months ago with her turning pretty much all her family against me .

We have 2 children together so it is not easy for me to just walk away as I would love to do. She has made references over the past couple of days claiming me to be her soul mate and still loving me.She swears blind that all the lies she told after splitting with me is just a figment of my imagination and when I try to question any of it she just huffs and puffs or gives it "oh my god" so I am barking up the wrong tree even going there I feel.

So my question is this,if I really am her soul mate like she had told me so many times over 8 or so years and she will always love me why is it that she has stopped with her advances towards me and likewise put a stop to me trying to kiss her? seems like she only wants to be civil for the sake of the children. I am finding it very difficult going from what we had and were to seemingly like strangers who share a son and daughter together

[DreamGirl]

It's so hard when there are kids involved.

I can't help but ask ---- what is it that you want?

[DestroyedKnight]

It's so hard when there are kids involved.

I can't help but ask ---- what is it that you want?

In a ideal world I would like her to admit she has a problem but I can't ever see that happening.We got to a stage the other day where she said we need to be civil for the childrens sake so when I came home I wrote her an email telling her my feelings on the whole matter and said that I need to move on now and start dating again etc. So now she has taken to facebook and is now making out she is having sex with a bloke old enough to be her dad and they (her neighbor,her and him) are going to great lengths to describe every last detail saying how she likes to be gagged.It is very very graphic and sick

Designed to make me angry.Yes I am angry because she knows how I feel about her and I don't know what her intentions are by doing this.And this is not being civil really

[momtara]

It is a sad situation. I haven't been following your story, but she has mental illness and it's not going to go away. the fact that she is more regulated now and maybe is trying harder for the kids is good, but it doesn't mean her actions will always make sense or she'll think the way you do. I think part of her really does love you and may be your soulmate - but this disordered other personality is a part of her to. Somewhere on these boards, a BPD expert has said he often gets asked which person is the 'real' person - the loving one, or the cruel one? The answer he gives is that it's both.

With my ex husband, he can be unspeakably manipulative (yes, denying lies and things that happened) or really a good, caring person. It makes me angry that mental illness robbed him of the ability to be the good person all the time. I see it there. But that doesn't mean that I or my kids can afford to tiptoe all the time or be abused or accept abuse.

Of course, if he was a different person I might never have met him, because he was with two women before me who he talked about marrying, and both dumped him in the end - from what I understand, it wasn't easy for them. So likely they could not put up with his illness. If he didn't have it, he would have been married long before he met me.

I guess my point is that not everything your wife is going to say or do makes sense. I know you'd like to trust her to be consistent, but she would need a lot of counseling for that, and incentive to own up to her problems. Protect yourself and document everything in case she ever tries to leave and get custody. I hope it does work out though.

[DestroyedKnight]

It is a sad situation. I haven't been following your story, but she has mental illness and it's not going to go away. the fact that she is more regulated now and maybe is trying harder for the kids is good, but it doesn't mean her actions will always make sense or she'll think the way you do. I think part of her really does love you and may be your soulmate - but this disordered other personality is a part of her to. Somewhere on these boards, a BPD expert has said he often gets asked which person is the 'real' person - the loving one, or the cruel one? The answer he gives is that it's both.

With my ex husband, he can be unspeakably manipulative (yes, denying lies and things that happened) or really a good, caring person. It makes me angry that mental illness robbed him of the ability to be the good person all the time. I see it there. But that doesn't mean that I or my kids can afford to tiptoe all the time or be abused or accept abuse.

Of course, if he was a different person I might never have met him, because he was with two women before me who he talked about marrying, and both dumped him in the end - from what I understand, it wasn't easy for them. So likely they could not put up with his illness. If he didn't have it, he would have been married long before he met me.

I guess my point is that not everything your wife is going to say or do makes sense. I know you'd like to trust her to be consistent, but she would need a lot of counseling for that, and incentive to own up to her problems. Protect yourself and document everything in case she ever tries to leave and get custody. I hope it does work out though.

Thank you,I felt from day one since the split that she was going to make a bolt for it and run away but so far she has held firm and is even talking about moving into another house in the same town.She only lives a 5 minute walk away.I have yet again witnessed pure evil on behalf of her and her enablers trying to bait me. I understand it is an emotional regulation disorder so I can see why one minute she is posting quotes about being my soul mate and loving me but then when I go to kiss her she holds back and then goes on the offensive again being extremely nasty.

I have had no other option but to block her phone number tonight and I am going to make a very valid effort to resist the temptation to look at her fb because even though I am not reacting to it I believe she knows I am looking.

The one thing that really struck a cord with me was how she is saying she doesn't know where she would be if it wasn't for her neighbor which is more than can be said for some people i.e 'me' I know all the sex talk is just baiting

[patientandclear]

Knight--you telling her you want to move on and start dating is no doubt hugely triggering for her. No wonder she is now ostentatiously "moving on." Why did you say that? Is moving on and seeing others what you want? The rest of your post doesn't suggst that. If you're still hoping to work things out with her, threatening to move on is extremely unhelpful.

Not saying you should NOT move on -- sounds like you have ample justification to conclude this r/ship may not be what you want. But you should be clear in your own end before starting maneuvers with her that will make it much harder for the two of you, if you are still hoping to try.

[enlighten me]

You might not want to hear what I have to say. I also went through the calm but cold. Going to kiss her and getting a cheek. Im not saying my situation is the same as yours but your posts definately triggered me.

[DestroyedKnight]

Knight--you telling her you want to move on and start dating is no doubt hugely triggering for her. No wonder she is now ostentatiously "moving on." Why did you say that? Is moving on and seeing others what you want? The rest of your post doesn't suggst that. If you're still hoping to work things out with her, threatening to move on is extremely unhelpful.

Not saying you should NOT move on -- sounds like you have ample justification to conclude this r/ship may not be what you want. But you should be clear in your own end before starting maneuvers with her that will make it much harder for the two of you, if you are still hoping to try.

My honest answer to that is I really have no idea why I said what I did.Probably because I wrote her a lengthy message telling her exactly how I feel about her and explaining why it has taken so long to detach from her because of all the things she said to me about me being her soulmate and how we would be together forever etc and it fell on deaf ears.

But I want the loving sweet girl I used to know and not this current self proclaimed 'b___' who posts vile disgusting stuff to hurt me.I am quickly coming to the conclusion that girl has gone so I need to move on with my life unless anything radical changes.

I am learning radical acceptance daily and accepting I can not change her and I can only change myself and my emotions. I am not reacting to any of her bs mind games like I was in the beginning and like many have suggested on here,if she wants a grown up relationship with me then she needs to stop being so childish

[momtara]

I don't know your backstory but did anything change in your relationship that made her feel abandoned and scared her? BPD people project a lot, so if she is afraid you were gonna abandon her, she may have tried to drive you away or been the abandoner to protect herself. I'm not saying you did anything wrong. You are allowed to be human and not watch every word. In any case, if you haven't filed anything legal, do be mindful of documenting and preparing for a custody battle. Lots of people on this board can give you tips if it comes to that. Also, it wouldn't hurt to see a therapist to help you with this stuff. (And that person may have ideas if you get into a legal battle too.)

[DestroyedKnight]

I don't know your backstory but did anything change in your relationship that made her feel abandoned and scared her? BPD people project a lot, so if she is afraid you were gonna abandon her, she may have tried to drive you away or been the abandoner to protect herself. I'm not saying you did anything wrong. You are allowed to be human and not watch every word. In any case, if you haven't filed anything legal, do be mindful of documenting and preparing for a custody battle. Lots of people on this board can give you tips if it comes to that. Also, it wouldn't hurt to see a therapist to help you with this stuff. (And that person may have ideas if you get into a legal battle too.)

Yeah I know exactly what it was! . I started full time employment.Saw it happen a few years back too when I got myself a night job and she broke down saying she couldn't cope on her own with our son. This time I started work last August and went out 'once' to play golf with the guys from work and all I got was grief saying how she felt like all she is,is a mum and that she never gets to do what she wants etc etc. Now upon reflection I have said to her since she left me that I can't count the amount of times I asked her to go out together just me and her either for a meal or to watch a film and she would always refuse and say she would rather cuddle up and watch a movie indoors (she never liked my choice of movies anyway )

She never drank alcohol to the extent she is doing now either,or drinking the amount of caffeine or fizzy drinks,energy drinks,pro plus tablets.

The situation with my children surprisingly has become quite good.She has just dropped them off to me in the last couple of hours and sat in the same room as me and we were very civil,even sharing a laugh and a joke and a meal between us all.

Although she is still making up or should I say distorting things to her enablers.I have no idea what I have meant to have done but there is quite a little story going on between them all making out I have lied about something or other.Ah well I am sure it is good whatever it is but I am not letting it get to me anymore

[momtara]

Ugh. You have a right to be a human being.