Recently learned husband has BPD, its gotten dangerous

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Met my husband when I was 17, he was 27. Been with him ever since (Now 26 and he is 36). In hindsight there were a lot of red flags before we got married 2 years ago. It wasn't until after the wedding that things really changed though.

After he attached to a close friend of mine months after our wedding and we almost broke up over the emotional cheating we ended up in counseling. Both together and separate.

NOTE: I had to have shoulder surgery 1 month after our wedding. He blamed my surgery for his behavior with my friend and still to this day says how horrible I started off the marriage by having to have surgery and dashing his dreams of children (I couldn't hold much weight for some months after the surgery as I recovered and that = equaled never able to hold a baby in his mind).

It was evident he had some serious issues, issues he never faced or let be known very clearly until we were married. I have read this is typical behavior, hiding the true version of themselves until feeling like they secured the relationship.

Over the last year and half its been volatile. Some amazingly great times and some very, very dark bad times. My heads spins thinking about it and its hard to separate normal from not. I know all longterm relationships go through stuff and so far I have accepted this is just what my longterm relationships stuff is. But the more I think about things, the more I truly know it isnt ok. But the good times are so good... .I cant imagine not having him in my life.

He has yet to physically cheat but has terrible boundaries. I have started standing up for myself the more I am in therapy and am not accepting his inappropriate way of interacting with other women, the lying, the blaming me for his poor choices. Because of this I have faced the great anger and irrationality of someone with BPD. Physical threats to my life and his, crazy drunken behavior, manipulation, belittling, then crying, guilt, shame, and asking for forgiveness. Its so confusing. One minute I truly know he is in the wrong here that I dont deserve this crap, but then I see such a broken sad man and am convinced its all my fault for not being able to control my feelings and if I could just not feel disrespected and let him have these girls in his life then he wouldnt have acted out. Sometimes I am not nice when he refuses to acknowledge something is out of line, that he crossed a line again. When he calls me stupid and blames me, blames my insecurity says I am ruining our lives by being too sensitive I tell him how much its hurt me and how much I hate him for doing this and such. Its not nice of me and I feel so guilty after.

This weekend things got really, really bad. I saw the girl he at one point wanted to divorce me over and it made me unpleasant. I tried to go out shopping and do things for myself to calm down but as we always eat dinner together I went home anyway. I knew he would freak out and it would for sure cause a fight if I didnt go home and get dinner with him. That was a mistake, there was no right way to be. He knew I was upset and going to bed without talking would have pissed him off, so I tried talking to him in a calm non accusatory way but it still set him off. I didnt take his telling me I was being oversensitive and stupid very well and wasn't respectful of him telling me he was about to lose it, I am not proud of myself for not just walking away and disengaging like I should have, I own that 100% as something I did that was extremely unhelpful and dangerous. It resulted in the worst yet of all his rages. I wasn't physically hurt in any fashion but our lives were threatened. It was a wake up call of sorts. I am not helping him at all with my inability to back off or just stay away from him.

I am ashamed writing this. I have discussed it with him since and the blame is still being put on me, which I accept part of for sure, but he will not acknowledge he needs help and he needs it now. He warned me he was losing it and I didnt listen. He was quite drunk (he drinks most nights) and he went to get in his car. I followed him as I didnt want him driving in that state. It was 1am and pouring rain. I got in the car with him thinking he wouldnt leave but he did anyway. He pulled out his gun, loaded one into the chamber and started racing (80-100mph) down the wet streets while flinging the gun around and pulled into a deserted lot and said he was going to kill me. He then sat there with it pointed at his head telling me to cover my ears. I eventually convinced him to drive us back home but the whole time he wouldnt put the gun away and it was sliding around the car loaded. I have tried to discuss it but he wont, he claims it was no big deal and we need to forget it happened and move forward.

When he is attending therapy he is more stable. He has tried medications but hates them and goes off them, even when I see a real improvement and hope. He changed jobs and has no insurance (refuses to go on mine) and has stopped therapy. Its not going well. He needs help and I don't know what to do. His company will start offering him insurance in January. But I know he needs it before then and am trying to convince him without it coming off as an attack on him. His ego is fragile beyond belief.

I could walk away and be financially ok. We have been wanting kids but none yet as I refuse to bring them into this until he is stabilized so there isnt that to worry about. Just mentally I am not sure I can do it. Im fairly isolated and we both work from home together during part of the week. He is literally my entire life and things are so amazing sometimes I would miss him beyond belief. I tried leaving last year but I ended up coming back after a couple days and promises of change from him.

Also to mention we are closing on a house. Im so stressed because Im worried it might be a huge mistake. He is insulted at this. I really can't bring up anything to him about it or buy any reading materials about it without offending him greatly. Im too afraid to do that anymore after the other night.

Im scared. I dont want my life to be like this, I am a well educated woman with a career and am very capable, yet when it comes to him I can't break away. I keep hoping things will get better now that we know what is going on and as long as he attends therapy.

Has anyone here had experience with dating/marriage/family relationships with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder? Anyone here have it themselves and care to share?

I've done a lot of reading and the outlook is pretty bleak. I just need some real world advice and experiences, not just a book written by a professional. Any other places I could go and post this story to?

tl;dr: Found out husband of 9 years has Borderline Personality Disorder. Was hoping to hear from people who have had relationships with others with BPD or have it themselves. Things have gotten pretty bad and Im debating ending it. No idea how to go about that or how to emotionally untangle myself either.

[broth88]

Met my husband when I was 17, he was 27. Been with him ever since (Now 26 and he is 36). In hindsight there were a lot of red flags before we got married 2 years ago. It wasn't until after the wedding that things really changed though.

After he attached to a close friend of mine months after our wedding and we almost broke up over the emotional cheating we ended up in counseling. Both together and separate.

NOTE: I had to have shoulder surgery 1 month after our wedding. He blamed my surgery for his behavior with my friend and still to this day says how horrible I started off the marriage by having to have surgery and dashing his dreams of children (I couldn't hold much weight for some months after the surgery as I recovered and that = equaled never able to hold a baby in his mind).

It was evident he had some serious issues, issues he never faced or let be known very clearly until we were married. I have read this is typical behavior, hiding the true version of themselves until feeling like they secured the relationship.

Over the last year and half its been volatile. Some amazingly great times and some very, very dark bad times. My heads spins thinking about it and its hard to separate normal from not. I know all longterm relationships go through stuff and so far I have accepted this is just what my longterm relationships stuff is. But the more I think about things, the more I truly know it isnt ok. But the good times are so good... .I cant imagine not having him in my life.

He has yet to physically cheat but has terrible boundaries. I have started standing up for myself the more I am in therapy and am not accepting his inappropriate way of interacting with other women, the lying, the blaming me for his poor choices. Because of this I have faced the great anger and irrationality of someone with BPD. Physical threats to my life and his, crazy drunken behavior, manipulation, belittling, then crying, guilt, shame, and asking for forgiveness. Its so confusing. One minute I truly know he is in the wrong here that I dont deserve this crap, but then I see such a broken sad man and am convinced its all my fault for not being able to control my feelings and if I could just not feel disrespected and let him have these girls in his life then he wouldnt have acted out. Sometimes I am not nice when he refuses to acknowledge something is out of line, that he crossed a line again. When he calls me stupid and blames me, blames my insecurity says I am ruining our lives by being too sensitive I tell him how much its hurt me and how much I hate him for doing this and such. Its not nice of me and I feel so guilty after.

This weekend things got really, really bad. I saw the girl he at one point wanted to divorce me over and it made me unpleasant. I tried to go out shopping and do things for myself to calm down but as we always eat dinner together I went home anyway. I knew he would freak out and it would for sure cause a fight if I didnt go home and get dinner with him. That was a mistake, there was no right way to be. He knew I was upset and going to bed without talking would have pissed him off, so I tried talking to him in a calm non accusatory way but it still set him off. I didnt take his telling me I was being oversensitive and stupid very well and wasn't respectful of him telling me he was about to lose it, I am not proud of myself for not just walking away and disengaging like I should have, I own that 100% as something I did that was extremely unhelpful and dangerous. It resulted in the worst yet of all his rages. I wasn't physically hurt in any fashion but our lives were threatened. It was a wake up call of sorts. I am not helping him at all with my inability to back off or just stay away from him.

I am ashamed writing this. I have discussed it with him since and the blame is still being put on me, which I accept part of for sure, but he will not acknowledge he needs help and he needs it now. He warned me he was losing it and I didnt listen. He was quite drunk (he drinks most nights) and he went to get in his car. I followed him as I didnt want him driving in that state. It was 1am and pouring rain. I got in the car with him thinking he wouldnt leave but he did anyway. He pulled out his gun, loaded one into the chamber and started racing (80-100mph) down the wet streets while flinging the gun around and pulled into a deserted lot and said he was going to kill me. He then sat there with it pointed at his head telling me to cover my ears. I eventually convinced him to drive us back home but the whole time he wouldnt put the gun away and it was sliding around the car loaded. I have tried to discuss it but he wont, he claims it was no big deal and we need to forget it happened and move forward.

When he is attending therapy he is more stable. He has tried medications but hates them and goes off them, even when I see a real improvement and hope. He changed jobs and has no insurance (refuses to go on mine) and has stopped therapy. Its not going well. He needs help and I don't know what to do. His company will start offering him insurance in January. But I know he needs it before then and am trying to convince him without it coming off as an attack on him. His ego is fragile beyond belief.

I could walk away and be financially ok. We have been wanting kids but none yet as I refuse to bring them into this until he is stabilized so there isnt that to worry about. Just mentally I am not sure I can do it. Im fairly isolated and we both work from home together during part of the week. He is literally my entire life and things are so amazing sometimes I would miss him beyond belief. I tried leaving last year but I ended up coming back after a couple days and promises of change from him.

Also to mention we are closing on a house. Im so stressed because Im worried it might be a huge mistake. He is insulted at this. I really can't bring up anything to him about it or buy any reading materials about it without offending him greatly. Im too afraid to do that anymore after the other night.

Im scared. I dont want my life to be like this, I am a well educated woman with a career and am very capable, yet when it comes to him I can't break away. I keep hoping things will get better now that we know what is going on and as long as he attends therapy.

Has anyone here had experience with dating/marriage/family relationships with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder? Anyone here have it themselves and care to share?

I've done a lot of reading and the outlook is pretty bleak. I just need some real world advice and experiences, not just a book written by a professional. Any other places I could go and post this story to?

tl;dr: Found out husband of 9 years has Borderline Personality Disorder. Was hoping to hear from people who have had relationships with others with BPD or have it themselves. Things have gotten pretty bad and Im debating ending it. No idea how to go about that or how to emotionally untangle myself either.

[Lucky Jim]

Has anyone here had experience with dating/marriage/family relationships with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder? Anyone here have it themselves and care to share?

Hey broth88,

Welcome.  Yup, I was married to a pwBPD for 16 years.  Your experience is quite familiar to me and, I suspect, will be to many others on this site.  The names change, but the stories are remarkably similar.  You are not alone, believe me!  How did you learn that your H has BPD, or what makes you think that he has it?  Concerning any bad behavior on your part, I would suggest that you have nothing to be ashamed about as it's common for the the Non to be pushed to extremes by the pwBPD.  Do you have any particular questions?  There is a wealth of information on this site.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi broth88,



I can understand how stressful and scary this would be when you're trying to close on a house and your H is emotionally dysregulated, rages and pulls a fire-arm on himself and there's a loaded weapon in the vehicle.

I can understand feeling ashamed and I would like you to know that this is a safe place where you can share your feelings and experiences without invalidation. Many members here share similar experiences with relationships with a mentally ill loved one and we understand having walked a mile in your shoes.

Do you happen to know what happened to the gun?

[scarletviolet]

Omg... .I would run if I were you... .I know we get addicted to these guys but really? What is it going to take for you to realize he has some serious issues? I hope it's not a bullet in your head! I was in the same situation married for 4 years, about to exchange on a house ( luckily bought it only by myself) , bigger so we could start a family... .I had some doubts as I was about to put myself in a huge debt. Asked husband for advice, convinced me it was the right think to do... .And guess what... .At that point he was already cheating on me with my replacement, after a couple of months started to get phisically abusive as well when I found out about replacement, and the cherry on the top was that he had a vasectomy a couple of years before to prevent me getting pregnant, something I didn't know about until a couple of months ago ... .He just kept telling to friends and family we were trying for kids... .I tried really everything to make it work but to be honest my mental sanity was more important and in your case I would say your life is more important...

Husband threatened me with a knife took it out to intimidate me in one of his raging moments and he managed to cut me slightly on the hand... .When I went to the police to report it  they said I should be very concerned as it could have taken only a second for that to end differently ... .

[broth88]

Thanks for the replies! I can't tell you how nice it is to be assured I can post here without judgement. My deepest gratitude for saying that.

To answer a few questions:

1) His psychologist is not versed in dealing with BPD so no firm diagnosis has come from her. We've been trying to get her to give one for a year. She claims he has traits from narcissism, antisocial, OCD, depression, and could be BPD. My psychologist is used to handling BPD and has close family who has it. She is 100% that is his diagnosis. Our marriage counselor says it could be as well. He is sure that is what he has as well. He goes back and forth on admitting that. We discussed it again last night (with some positive results for once!) and he asked me what I thought. I told him, that yes, I think it is BPD especially after researching a lot lately. He agreed and said he is in the process of getting insurance as of yesterday and swears up and down he doesnt want this life for himself or me and apologized for refusing to address the incident on Saturday.

2) The gun is something he carries around normally and has since I met him. It has a protective case that sits in his car, hence why it was taken out in the car as thats where it stays. He unloaded it and showed me. We have home defense guns that are hidden through the house but nothing he has ever taken out before in anger.



As far as specific questions, I guess a good place to start is since things have escalated to such intense places, is there any hope for recovery and management on his part? I did get pre-approved to buy the house in just my name today and am considering that. He seemed so different last night talking about it and accepting he needs help and being receptive to my opinions and comments. He asked me to set up another marriage counseling session until he gets his insurance figured out.

What about the outlook for children? Having a family is top priority for me in life and right now I know its completely not an option but what are the chances of having a happy family for the most part if he takes his treatment seriously?

I am sure I will have more later but for now those are the two most pressing things I can think of before making the purchase on the house.

I love this man so much and he has so many amazing qualities, I want to make it work, I just dont want to die or be miserable more than happy.

Scarletviolet, I am so sorry to hear about your situation, How did you get out? Did he do anything crazy after you left? If I do leave, he swears he would never bother me ever again, but I worry. What was it like for you? How did you cope after?

[still_in_shock]

There are lots of us with the experience. You can read my story following the link in my signature.

I wouldn't recommend buying any property with him.

[Herodias]

Hi, my husband sounds so similar in allot of these stories. He drinks every night and got violent with guns and knives as well. We had a house, but it was in his name. After we had a domestic violence case with him ending up in jail, we got rid of all the weapons and tried to move forward, but he said he didn't trust ME! Later he claimed we were going to get transferred and put the house on the market. Then he didn't get the promotion, which he claimed he was too embarrassed to tell me. He was now involved with someone from work that was moving away. Supposedly- I swear I cannot believe anything he ever told me. We went out to a restaurant and he said to me... ." I hate you and I can't wait to get rid of you and the house". We split up when I found this girl in my bed on Xmas- I had left because he started raging at me. He moved out in Jan. He didn't even care if the house went into foreclosure- he wanted out! It sold in April and we separated then as well legally. He quickly got into another relationship with yet another co-worker, yet is trying to string me along saying it won't last and maybe we will decide to stay married. We can divorce in Jan. He talked about a vasectomy as well. I don't know who he really is or what he wants in life. He is very scary, but also can be the sweetest person ever. I understand the shame of staying. I hate being single, but life is much calmer. I would be very cautious of what you do... .this relationship is very unstable for you and as you will read here, it takes years of support through therapy to change for them They have to want to. Mine doesn't seem to want to- he calls himself " An Evil Devil". That says it all... .

[Turkish]

broth88,

It's a positive sign that he entertains the thought of getting help. The substance abuse, however, concerns me. Do you have a safety plan, like a place to go if you need to get out? Maybe you can read through this to develop a plan, just in case:

Safety First

It sounds like you were trapped during the car incident, but thankfully, you got back safely. Sometimes an anonymous call to a local help line can help support you. You've been in a relationship with him for a long time, a significant portion of your life. Sometimes an anonymous voice on the line can help give you support.

Please keep us updated on what's going on, broth88! And stay safe...

Turkish

[Lucky Jim]

Hey broth88, Suggest you proceed w/caution.  BPD and guns are red flags.     On some level, I think you know that already.  You're heading down a slippery slope, as many here can attest.  My advice would be to put the house on hold until you see where all this is going.  What are your gut feelings about the r/s?  Try to do some thinking from the neck down.

LuckyJim