Is she trying, or am I putting up with bad behavior?

[whitebackatcha]

I'm in a long distance relationship. She has a history of being sarcastic, rude, stubborn, overly sensitive. When she wants to be mean, she does it well. I'm working on my boundaries with this. With that said... .

Sometimes she misreads what I say (online), and thinks I am upset, irritated, whatever. She doesn't ask if I am, which would be ideal. But sometimes she will just say something like "I didn't mean it that way. I'm going to go now, have have a good night. <3 " Compared to her sarcasm, this really feels like she is aware of her tendency to react strongly, and is removing herself from the situation so she doesn't say something she regrets. She had even said in the past that, when she gets upset, it's best for her to walk away before it gets worse. My friends think she just needs to stop being so sensitive.

I feel hurt and blindsided when this happens, but am not sure I can realistically expect more from someone with BPD. This does feel like her trying.

Thoughts?

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[waverider]

Projecting her feelings and interpretations onto someone else is common.

If she disengages either it is a good coping tool to prevent escalation. OR it is a bait for you to get defensive and start to justify and defend yourself.

Your friends opinions are simplistic and should be ignored.

Best approach for you is to likewise disengage, you can't always attain agreed closure with a pwBPD.

[whitebackatcha]

Projecting her feelings and interpretations onto someone else is common.

If she disengages either it is a good coping tool to prevent escalation. OR it is a bait for you to get defensive and start to justify and defend yourself.

Your friends opinions are simplistic and should be ignored.

Best approach for you is to likewise disengage, you can't always attain agreed closure with a pwBPD.

Thank you. This is my sense as well. As for baiting, that used to happen CONSTANTLY. I finally got fed up, and stopped playing into it. Maybe that is another reason why this feels like trying to me. She knows how to throw acid and run if that's what she feels like doing. She also knows how to just give me the silent treatment. This is not that.

I've read the books and articles on BPD. I'm still learning how to put it into practise.

[waverider]

Keep in mind you rarely get closure or resolution in the moment over individual issues. Trying too hard can often lead to escalation.

If you can avoid conflict without that gut feeling of caving in, then you are heading in the right direction. Disengaging, by either partly, is a real saver most of the time.

[whitebackatcha]

Keep in mind you rarely get closure or resolution in the moment over individual issues. Trying too hard can often lead to escalation.

It's interesting, and possibly a cruel joke, that codependents so often are the ones who end up with pwBPD, when we are most in need of reassurance and support to try to become strong and confident ourselves. I'm still trying to work out if it is truly a losing battle for the sensitive. And yet, she is the only one who has ever made me truly believe I can do anything. Such a paradox.

[waverider]

Keep in mind you rarely get closure or resolution in the moment over individual issues. Trying too hard can often lead to escalation.

It's interesting, and possibly a cruel joke, that codependents so often are the ones who end up with pwBPD, when we are most in need of reassurance and support to try to become strong and confident ourselves. I'm still trying to work out if it is truly a losing battle for the sensitive. And yet, she is the only one who has ever made me truly believe I can do anything. Such a paradox.

Every victim needs a prosecutor and a rescuer in order to validate their role in the drama triangle. Codependent personalities are ideally suited to fit easily into the rescuer mode. They will try harder and be less willing to walk away. Reinforcing the triangle rather than dissolving it.

You need to take more control of your sensitivity, otherwise you start being the victim, that will anger a pwBPD as that is their role and it brings out the vengeful persecutor in them