Closure

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

onceremoved: My T talked about something similar. I think I will give it a try.

goingplaces: I always put him first and so did he. Stupid me, I always assumed he felt the same.

[Beach_Babe]

onceremoved: My T talked about something similar. I think I will give it a try.

goingplaces: I always put him first and so did he. Stupid me, I always assumed he felt the same.

[going places]

onceremoved: My T talked about something similar. I think I will give it a try.

goingplaces: I always put him first and so did he. Stupid me, I always assumed he felt the same.

I was _____'s wife and _____ _____ _____'s mom.

He always, and still does, put himself first, and so does his father, and so did his grandfather, and so does his brother... .

I went thru a LONG period of time where I was very down on myself.

Stupid me. How could *I* be so blind, dumb, gullible.

Why didn't *I* see the signs (and there were none... .no kidding... .for real... .he was that good)

This drove me to the "why". Why is this happening? This makes no sense.

I need things to make sense... .

Holy Lord I thought my brain was going to explode.

When I got to the place of "his choices are HIS choices, period AND his choices tell me WHO and WHAT he really is"

His choices were the "outward expression of his true inward self".

His choices revealed to me WHO he REALLY is.

And it's ugly, and I am worth more than that.

It takes hard work to rewire your brain to stop the negative and replace it with positive... .but it can be done!

Hang in there Babe... .you got this!

[Beach_Babe]

"his choices revealed to me WHO he REALLY is."



Well said. 

[disorderedsociety]

The closest I got to closure was, once she found the new guy, she texted me saying, thanks for everything, I hope you find happiness.

Really? In the midst of all the unhealthy behavior I get a text that makes it sound like shes the reasonable, sane one and I was the one who made the mistake in leaving. That's how it feels to me even still and I can't help it. It sucks. 

[Beach_Babe]

 I know someone whose BPD wife left him like that. She parted with the exact same words... .on the phone as she was banging his replacement. Its crazy

[Infared]

The closest I got to closure was, once she found the new guy, she texted me saying, thanks for everything, I hope you find happiness.

Really? In the midst of all the unhealthy behavior I get a text that makes it sound like shes the reasonable, sane one and I was the one who made the mistake in leaving. That's how it feels to me even still and I can't help it. It sucks. 

I went through similar.  I also had to cut her off when she started talking about the particulars of the relationship with the guy she cheated on me with and ran off to, while lying to me... .  Who in their right mind thinks I would want to hear ANYTHING about that?  It could just be atotally self-centered person,  but I think it's mental illness. ... .and yes ... .she did all these things and then one day just pops off a "hope you find happiness" comment, like she was someone I was sitting next to and chatting with on the bus.   Total Looney Tunes!

It's mental illness.

[disorderedsociety]

The closest I got to closure was, once she found the new guy, she texted me saying, thanks for everything, I hope you find happiness.

Really? In the midst of all the unhealthy behavior I get a text that makes it sound like shes the reasonable, sane one and I was the one who made the mistake in leaving. That's how it feels to me even still and I can't help it. It sucks. 

I went through similar.  I also had to cut her off when she started talking about the particulars of the relationship with the guy she cheated on me with and ran off to, while lying to me... .  Who in their right mind thinks I would want to hear ANYTHING about that?  It could just be atotally self-centered person,  but I think it's mental illness. ... .and yes ... .she did all these things and then one day just pops off a "hope you find happiness" comment, like she was someone I was sitting next to and chatting with on the bus.   Total Looney Tunes!

It's mental illness.

For sure mental illness. Its crazy how she, now that I think back, was magnetically attracted to him. They both were the few people they didn't have problems with (each other.) She'd find a way to demonize anyone and he would just cut people out like nothing. BPD + NPD I think.

[Beach_Babe]

Infared: well at least its better than the "f**k you and die" I got along with a middle finger. .

disordered: they sound like a match made in heaven.

[Trog]

"his choices revealed to me WHO he REALLY is."



Well said.  

Exactly. We are all on our own paths, for sometime, when you get mixed up with a disordered person you lose yourself in enmeshment and you stop believing in your own power, often you bend to their will to keep the peace, you negotiate, you stop doing things that make you happy, you stop talking to old friends, you begin to live their disfunction as if it were your own.

Then, they spit you out, and you're half BPD yourself, you've been coming from negotiation and lack and un fulfilment with your BPD for so long you totally forget your own power. You blame, like they blame, you blame her, the situation, if only you'd known x, if only you'd known y or done z differently. How could they do this to you?

The more time and attention you give it, the negativity of your relationship the more the pain cycle continues, even though they are nowhere around anymore. You can not get closure from them, even if they say things you want to here like my ex did one time, that I deserved better, it meant little to me because she said it, she also said other times I was scum, that my family was scum, those actual words. She is a negative person. She manifests a horrible life for herself, her thinking is toxic and from lack, and she brings down others around her. Me especially. She drunk my milkshake, to the point I didn't have any anymore and I was not giving her what she needs so now she'll be drinking someone else's milkshake.

Closure, or acceptance or forgiving or seeing the lesson from this relationship has NOTHING to do with her, that's as crazy as when I believed my happiness or self worth was derived from her. You get exactly what you need or wish for or create at any moment.

I've finally understood this now as a whole picture and yesterday evening I finally reached the point of truly forgiving my ex. She's mentally ill. That I attached myself to her was a mistake in one way but in another if I hadn't I would still be in that place where I let others drink my milkshake! That I let others define my sense of self worth. That is a disaster, it takes power from yourself and makes your world and life small and limiting.

When I was younger I believed I could achieve anything, that it was a question of mind, that I had manifested the good in my world. Very quickly she dismissed my philosophy and said I was ungreatful for all the luck I had in my life. The luck of having a good job, the luck of being intelligent, it was lucky that I had the ability to work hard and knuckle down. Despite knowing I sat for days at a table to get those grades, or practised a skill for 1000s of hours to get good at it, I started to feel bad about my achievements. She would point out people who were takers, with no money and no ambition and told me that could be me if it were not for my lucky breaks. She resented me coming from a poor background and succeeding, she came from a very wealthy background but to be fair, has not achieved much at all. She's a negative person and it's spreads from her to all around, she brings down her sisters and all around.

Yet something in me believed those words, that I was nothing special, that anything I had done was nothing special, she would mock my 'self made' image and in the end I downplayed my achievements, I stopped working so hard. Today I earn less than when I met her, but I have so much abundance flowing into my life right now and that's because of my changed mindset.

Maybe she came to show me just how powerful we each are as individuals, and that it's not luck, look what happened when I stopped believing in myself, stopped believing I had power.

We don't though, have power over them, you can not look to them for anything, let alone closure - you want to feel good about the end? Look for the lesson in the relationship and forgive your ex, for some reason, in our power, we needed or sought them out and they provided something valuable. It's a question of whether you can see it. Sometimes you have to look very closely!

[Infared]

Infared: well at least its better than the "f**k you and die" I got along with a middle finger. .

Well, that was just one odd moment. What made it so odd is that she was for the most part smug and cruel. Both went way out of their way to be immature and mean to me. ALL of her actions spoke to "f**k you and die" (in a really 7th-grade way)... .that made the Hallmark-Card comment seem like it floated in on a bubble from France... .and to her is was just normal and appropriate after the way she behaves.   

[Beach_Babe]

Infared:  What you've described is just crazy. I guess there is no closure with a disordered person

[Infared]

Infared:  What you've described is just crazy. I guess there is no closure with a disordered person

All I can say is that I could not find any closure with my pwBPD. For me it was sort of like a pw more than one personality at times. There was "good" C and "selfish, dishonest, evil" C.

Kind of hard to get anything from that experience. So, so unsettling and upsetting.

[Mayjar68]

Hiya beach babe I have sent you a message xxx

[Beach_Babe]

Trog: yeah mine said everything I had was due to luck too. How lucky I was compared to him. Thats rubbish, I worked hard for it as im sure you did.

[mgl210]

Define closure?

Sadly, you really won't get any. I used to think endlessly that I would get it. The best closure I so called get was when I found out my email got hacked into and emailed her and she wrote me back telling me to move on and that she had gotten married. This in fact keep in mind that she had ended our engagement over text on my birthday last year and totally stopped communicating with me over text last valentine's day... .

Be good to yourself... .

MGL

[Beach_Babe]

Define closure?

Sadly, you really won't get any. I used to think endlessly that I would get it. The best closure I so called get was when I found out my email got hacked into

did we date people in the same family?

[hibye]

she had already been in the rebound relationship () when we did closure. even though i wanted to tell her i know she is BPD etc etc i did not. i wished her happy new life with the new one and tried to swallow it without showing it. i was a gentleman and that freaked her out. she started asking questions about a friend of mine showing jealousy . a few phonecalls later she tried to take the upper hand saying i was being jealous and told her to stop calling me or else i would call her new bf and tell him she is insincere with him. a pretty good closure for me.

only thing i did after was having a public post about BPD relationships on my wall for a few weeks. i had her blocked on fb but i think she could use a second account to stalk me... .so i "showed " to her that i know... .and kind of informed her in case she does not know.

peace

[Beach_Babe]

hibye: did you ever hear from her again after that?

[hibye]

She sent a friend request to a cousin of mine. Told my cousin to refuse. + She called me from uknown number just to hear me.

[mgl210]

Define closure?

Sadly, you really won't get any. I used to think endlessly that I would get it. The best closure I so called get was when I found out my email got hacked into

did we date people in the same family?

Haha... .that's a good one... .LOL

[SummerStorm]

Closure doesnt come from them, its a process within us.

Wonderfully stated.  I tried to get closure and to get answers to the questions I had, but she was not willing to talk to me, and it basically all ended up being my fault, according to her. 

[Beach_Babe]

This is what I'm afraid of.

What happened exactly? How did you approach her?

[Freshstart2015]

Would a final "closure" conversation actually make me feel worse?

Anyone have experience with this?

Hey, I hope I'm not too Late in replying but I remember Nearly a year ago now my ex came Into the old store I used to work in. Naturally I had a bit of A panic reaction although I was starting to get used to her coming into my work and putting herself in front of me. This time there was probably a gap of a year since I'd seen her and weirdly enough I'd just came back from a holiday with friends to a family retreat where me and BPD ex had been some years previous where she had a few episodes which winded up here severly verbally abusing me. So this trip was a massive healing mission combined with holiday with friends.

Anyways, out of nowhere I beckon her to come over to me, looking back I honestly think it was more subconscious then anything.

She looks at me with a really off key look as if to say "what have I done now" (I think my forwardness caught her off guard) and then came over (with her son who I step fathered) and I she was like "... .Soo was up?" and I said "I know it's been a while but I don't think we shut the door properly after everything that happened, I want to say sorry for anything I did wrong in our time to gether" she was stunned.

She started crying as we carried on talking and I eventually said look I don't want you getting upset in front of your son so let's Leave this now and say goodbye. She was fairly Amicable but waited in her car in the parking lot for half an hour after so not sure what was going on there.

Needless to say l didn't see her at my work again before I left for a new job and didn't hear a single ghost text or 3am blank phonecall as was happening before. 

So personally my advice would be to face closure head on and see if they have the capacity to be rational enough to at least close the door properly, closure is only something you can give yourself but if you know deep down the other person can't help you anymore with closure it makes it a lot easier.

[Beach_Babe]

Freshstart: what would you suggest? My BPD  lives several hours away and said they never want to see me again. I also  believe I am blocked everywhere (fb, email, phone). Sadly I realize friendship is not possible due to the degree which I have been smeared (though I sincerely want one). What to do?

3 months NC have left me aching for closure. I am afraid of being raged at, ignored or having the police again threatened. Worse maybe getting this message via third parties.

What would you suggest? How do I approach this? No clue

[Freshstart2015]

Freshstart: what would you suggest? My BPD  lives several hours away and said they never want to see me again. I also  believe I am blocked everywhere (fb, email, phone). Sadly I realize friendship is not possible due to the degree which I have been smeared (though I sincerely want one). What to do?

3 months NC have left me aching for closure. I am afraid of being raged at, ignored or having the police again threatened. Worse maybe getting this message via third parties.

What would you suggest? How do I approach this? No clue

i completely understand how you feel. this is the point at which it starts to get real hard, the long term NC. Not just a few weeks but where you realize its for good not just for now.

It will be hard to gain closure from this situation for you as you wont get the chance to face them in person, yet. i honestly never thought id see my BPDex again but when i did i grabbed the chance when i coud.

there may be a point where he unblocks you and can be civil again, who knows. One thing is for sure your life is way too short to be waiting on an ex abusive partner to grant you the power to forgive yourself.

I have just gone to the other side of the world, completely out of my comfort zone for the last month. But, today something weird happened. After 2 and a half years of not being able to listen to a vast amount of music that was introduced to me by her i finally had the guts to listen to it all again. Sure, it was weird and hard at first but honestly within 20 minutes of deciding id had enough of letting the past keep me from having this music in the future and i felt great.

Something i learnt today, closure can come in so many forms not just the other person saying "i forgive you" but being able to brave the cold feelings and brave through what you dont want to do, go or listen to just because of the past.

[EaglesJuju]

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .