BPD/NPD Ex wife trying to move kids without my consent... options?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Backstory:

Two years ago, we were separated, living in Burbank in two houses. In April 2013, My Ex enrolled the kids in K and 30 days later sent me a 30 day notice she was moving to Santa Monica. So I decided to up and move rather than fight.

I couldn't afford her neighborhood ($3,500 for a 2 BR apt!) so I had to move 5 miles away in Mar Vista. We tried 50/50 for a year and the kids were miserable with the drive in the car (so was I). She met a dude who seemed very stable and asked if I would temporarily give her additional time about 8 months ago. We signed a TEMPORARY agreement that stated I could revoke at any time and that it was based on her decision to live in a town I could not afford and because of my work, I couldn't drive the kids 2 hours a day.

Fast forward 8 months and last month she tells me she's committed to staying in SM for at least 5 years and I renew my lease. She then asks me to pay for 1/2 of summer camp and we enroll the kids on 5/10.

Yesterday she notified me that she's pregnant with a second set of twins and she's decided to move 3 hours away without my consent on July 1st. She wants me to be 3 weekend a month dad and stick them in some school in suburbia that I know nothing about.

From a legal perspective, I have an obligation to act in their best interest even if they're with mom temporarily 70% of the time.  It's in their best interest to stay in the town where they are excelling in school and have existing friends. In her scenario, she's going to have aunts uncles and nannies helping with them so they will have little to no time with an actual parent. Her fiance is obviously going to be consumed with his own children so my boys will surely be neglected.

Do I have a chance to stop this? What are my legal rights?

[calidad]

Backstory:

Two years ago, we were separated, living in Burbank in two houses. In April 2013, My Ex enrolled the kids in K and 30 days later sent me a 30 day notice she was moving to Santa Monica. So I decided to up and move rather than fight.

I couldn't afford her neighborhood ($3,500 for a 2 BR apt!) so I had to move 5 miles away in Mar Vista. We tried 50/50 for a year and the kids were miserable with the drive in the car (so was I). She met a dude who seemed very stable and asked if I would temporarily give her additional time about 8 months ago. We signed a TEMPORARY agreement that stated I could revoke at any time and that it was based on her decision to live in a town I could not afford and because of my work, I couldn't drive the kids 2 hours a day.

Fast forward 8 months and last month she tells me she's committed to staying in SM for at least 5 years and I renew my lease. She then asks me to pay for 1/2 of summer camp and we enroll the kids on 5/10.

Yesterday she notified me that she's pregnant with a second set of twins and she's decided to move 3 hours away without my consent on July 1st. She wants me to be 3 weekend a month dad and stick them in some school in suburbia that I know nothing about.

From a legal perspective, I have an obligation to act in their best interest even if they're with mom temporarily 70% of the time.  It's in their best interest to stay in the town where they are excelling in school and have existing friends. In her scenario, she's going to have aunts uncles and nannies helping with them so they will have little to no time with an actual parent. Her fiance is obviously going to be consumed with his own children so my boys will surely be neglected.

Do I have a chance to stop this? What are my legal rights?

[ForeverDad]

What options have you gotten from local legal consultations?  As a practical observation, during the temporary agreement she's been building de facto majority parenting time.  Even if you've got a court order for 50/50, that may have an impact.  What schedule is that, 7/7 or 2/2/5/5?

So they're in grade school now, about 6-7 years old?

Can you counter with you having the boys over the summer so they can go to a summer camp near you?  (Many non-primary parents get the majority of the summer since the children aren't there as much during the school year.)  For example, you can tell her you want the summer, usually about 11 weeks or so, but will let her choose two weeks for a vacation.  Ahem, if she agrees to that then it's okay to agree to pay half the activity fees.

In her scenario, she's going to have aunts uncles and nannies helping with them so they will have little to no time with an actual parent.

I don't know how actively she is obstructing your parenting or whether it's just her general sense of entitlement?  Saying there will be no time for a parent is ridiculous.  :)o you mean she will be 'parking' the boys with her relatives?  But courts do have to deal with cases where one parent moves away.  Right now, with less time (and probably her as the Residential Parent for School Purposes?) you might be at a disadvantage.  :)ue to you having official equal time, perhaps it would be best to return to 50/50, especially if you can have them for a week at a time.  Would the summer camp(s) allow alternate weeks, you taking them to yours and she taking them to hers?

Long term, if you two don't leave near each other then one of you will have to be the majority time parent and handle schooling too and the other do the 'visiting'.

[livednlearned]

It's a good idea to consult with a lawyer -- a few of them if you can, although understandably not everyone can afford to do this. Usually consultations are $100 for 30min or so, but could be $250 + if you're in an affluent area.

Ask them to file an emergency ex parte order if you're worried that your ex is moving too quickly. You definitely have legal rights to be heard, and can probably strategize so that this works toward you ending up with more time, even more so than now.

Do you have documentation of all these conversations? In some ways, the fact that you have a temporary order, based on her plan at the time, and now this new plan --  could be really good for you.

Get an assertive lawyer who is a solutions oriented thinker. You need to give the judge a reasonable counter offer to what your ex is proposing (good school district, same friends, etc., explain after school care (assuming your kids need this), and that your ex can have three weekends which will give her plenty of time to manage the new twins. In other words, spin it so that you are focused on what is best for the kids, and are doing ex a favor. The kids need to stay with the status quo because their lives are about to change a lot, and less change is better for them. Also, it's great that you can point to your past and show that you are an accommodating dad who is willing to do what is necessary for the kids. You've already done that once, and ask that this time, the request is more than you can handle given your employment, etc.

[calidad]

Great advice foreverdad, thanks! So yes, she just agreed to 50/50 for the summer - one week of camp here one week there. I am talking to my lawyer this afternoon about whether I need to file anything before they physically move.

So once I've re-established 50/50 I assume we are on even footing for physical custody?

One other question - I sent her a note telling her not to tell the kids and she responded saying she did. I wrote back and said "why, we don't have an agreement". She sent me a raging rant and stated 5 times the kids "Will be enrolling at xx school in the new town" and we are moving so deal with it and this is your custody - take it or i'll sue you for full custody.

I'm trying to create a paper trail of being calm, reasonable and collaborative. So I was going to respond and set some boundaries.

Two question:

1. Since she's BPD and obviously triggered, I was going to first say I understand how much stress she must be under right now with the news of the twins and the wedding coming up.  I was then going to calmly respond to some accusations she made and restate my intent is for the best interest of the kids. My fear is this triggers her worse and she recinds the 50/50 camp deal. Thoughts?

2. Wondering if I need to tell her I don't agree with her to enroll in the new school right now since we are joint legal custodians and we both have to agree.

Thanks!

[livednlearned]

The best way to respond is to make it a BIFF statement.

Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. (That's from Bill Eddy's book Splitting about writing emails to high-conflict people).

If you do not think it is best for your kids to move, then that is your line in the sand. Is that what you believe? It's good to get this straight in your mind, and not let her behavior determine what you do, don't do. I don't mean in terms of the email tone you set, but in terms of what your next move is.

I only see three options here.

1. Try to negotiate with her directly to stop the move.

2. Involve a meditator, or lawyers to try and negotiate.

3. File something with the court.

It's best to try and negotiate directly to avoid costly and stressful court actions. But she is moving quickly and to hell with you. If you tip you hand too much about your plans, she will start to campaign through the girls or accelerate the process (not sure what this might be, but alienation tactics are likely).

How did things go with your L?

[ForeverDad]

Who is the Residential Parent for School Purposes?  Apparently she has been acting as such since the children go to school in her area.

Your power is to object to her move farther away in court.  Probably the court requires her to file in advance of a move?  Often courts don't hold the parents to giving the required advance notice time frame (mine is 60 days) but at least you can give your reasons to object, propose your own solutions and let the court decide.  That usually takes time.

There's no simple answer.  Each case is a little different.  Often it's a choice between the lesser of two or three evils, so to speak.

[calidad]

Who is the Residential Parent for School Purposes?  Apparently she has been acting as such since the children go to school in her area.

Your power is to object to her move farther away in court.  Probably the court requires her to file in advance of a move?  Often courts don't hold the parents to giving the required advance notice time frame (mine is 60 days) but at least you can give your reasons to object, propose your own solutions and let the court decide.  That usually takes time.

There's no simple answer.  Each case is a little different.  Often it's a choice between the lesser of two or three evils, so to speak.

Right now it's her- but she's keeping her apartment in the district so technically they can stay in school.

Should I be so aggressive as to get a restraining order? Does it give me more power to stop the move? She is technically moving in two weeks (2 weeks notice) but we'll be 50/50 over the summer during camp - so they'll be with me one week, her the next - setting a 50/50 precedent.

[calidad]

Who is the Residential Parent for School Purposes?  Apparently she has been acting as such since the children go to school in her area.

Your power is to object to her move farther away in court.  Probably the court requires her to file in advance of a move?  Often courts don't hold the parents to giving the required advance notice time frame (mine is 60 days) but at least you can give your reasons to object, propose your own solutions and let the court decide.  That usually takes time.

There's no simple answer.  Each case is a little different.  Often it's a choice between the lesser of two or three evils, so to speak.

Right now it's her- but she's keeping her apartment in the district so technically they can stay in school.

Also, won't the court look at the pattern? She did the same thing 2 years ago. Up and moved towns and schools on a 30 day notice. How is it stability for the kids to keep moving on an impulse?

Should I be so aggressive as to get a restraining order? Does it give me more power to stop the move? She is technically moving in two weeks (2 weeks notice) but we'll be 50/50 over the summer during camp - so they'll be with me one week, her the next - setting a 50/50 precedent.

[calidad]

Thanks, I spoke to the attorney. The court order says she needs my written approval or a court order allowing her to move the kids out of county. He feels that the move is not in the kids best interest and that there's a strong chance we can get primary custody and keep them here with her as a weekend parent.

I'm going to talk to a few more lawyers as they are all part salesman and I don't want to jump to litigation without carefully considering this and figuring out exactly what I think is best for them.

[livednlearned]

Thanks, I spoke to the attorney. The court order says she needs my written approval or a court order allowing her to move the kids out of county. He feels that the move is not in the kids best interest and that there's a strong chance we can get primary custody and keep them here with her as a weekend parent.

I'm going to talk to a few more lawyers as they are all part salesman and I don't want to jump to litigation without carefully considering this and figuring out exactly what I think is best for them.

That's how it is in my state -- even if it's not explicitly written in the custody order, parental approval is required. And the courts don't like for the kids to move. Her conduct, the way she calls the shots in her messages to you is also something. You may want to ask for sole legal custody while you're at it. You might not get it, but by asking for it, the judge could say yes to primary custody, keep the kids where they are (you win), and let legal custody stand (she wins). That way court will feel like neither parent won.

It took me years of court hearings to understand this, but judges are always watching the appeals that come out of their rulings. They don't want their rulings overturned. And one way to get an appeal overturned is if there is evidence of favoritism. I figure that explains why judges patronize both parents, even if one parent gets the favorable ruling. And why sometimes they seem to carve things up in arbitrary ways, this parent gets this, that parent gets that. Plus, I don't think the judges want there to be any parental gloating.

Makes me really think about how most parents deal with feuding siblings, where no  one really takes the time to figure out who caused the fight, and both kids get punished when the facts are too hard to come to light. Judges do the same thing it seems to me. 

[calidad]

Thanks LivedNlearned!

Another question around this. I am trying to gather evidence to make my arguments in court. In her plan, she has already stated there will be 7 people taking shifts to watch the boys. I was thinking of asking her a series of probing questions around her proposed plan... .What are the rules? Who will ensure these 7 people are consistent in enforcing the rules? Will there be others or just the 7? What's the schedule? Etc.

My question is - if I do this, I am telegraphing some of the aspects of the case I will make in front of the judge. That's poor strategy as she can prepare for my arguments. On the other hand, California likes to see evidence of a parent attempting to communicate and collaborate - so this would be in my favor. Any opinions around this?

On another note, two disturbing incidents were recently brought to my attention by my boys.

1. The stepfather has been sleeping in the bunk bed WITH my child while my ex is working late at night. I confronted my ex a few months back and she attempted to defend this. I told her it was unacceptable and presumably it's stopped.

2. My boys told me last week that step dad spanks them. When I probed deeper, I learned that he gives them "good spanks" and "bad spanks" on the butt. The "bad spanks" are only when mommy is out of town.

Given that she has a high liklihood of falsley accusing me of abuse, I am considering a letter next week confronting her on the spanking and confirming that he no longer sleeps in their bed.

Any opinions around this?

[livednlearned]

Thanks LivedNlearned!

Another question around this. I am trying to gather evidence to make my arguments in court. In her plan, she has already stated there will be 7 people taking shifts to watch the boys. I was thinking of asking her a series of probing questions around her proposed plan... .What are the rules? Who will ensure these 7 people are consistent in enforcing the rules? Will there be others or just the 7? What's the schedule? Etc.

My question is - if I do this, I am telegraphing some of the aspects of the case I will make in front of the judge. That's poor strategy as she can prepare for my arguments. On the other hand, California likes to see evidence of a parent attempting to communicate and collaborate - so this would be in my favor. Any opinions around this?

7 people taking care of the kids sounds really complicated. Even if they are family. I would ask as many clarifying questions as you can, expressing a normal parental interest to understand the schedule.

There are two kinds of judges, in my experience. One will rule on technicalities because it reduces the human messiness and trying to figure out very complex things in a short period of time. This type of judge will look at your case and say, "Both parents need to agree. One parent does not agree. Therefore, kids stay with dad." The other type of judge tries to get into the messiness a bit. You need to make a persuasive argument that moving is not best for the kids. The bulk of that argument should be on their current life. They like their school, they can walk home, you live 5 min away, friends parents are willing to keep caring for them after school, day care is all set, or whatever is already status quo. The good stuff. Courts seem to generally believe that kids do best with status quo. In this regard, you don't have to work hard to make this argument, just confirm for them that status quo is pretty good. Then stick onto the end of that argument the fact that it will take 7 people to take care of the kids, in addition to their mom expecting twins. It sounds like your kids are twins too? So you have expert knowledge on how taxing that is, and recommend that mom takes these first years to focus on the newborn twins, and let your own kids experience stability while their mom adjusts. And your kids will have plenty of time to see their new siblings on the weekends with this schedule you're proposing.

On another note, two disturbing incidents were recently brought to my attention by my boys.

1. The stepfather has been sleeping in the bunk bed WITH my child while my ex is working late at night. I confronted my ex a few months back and she attempted to defend this. I told her it was unacceptable and presumably it's stopped.

2. My boys told me last week that step dad spanks them. When I probed deeper, I learned that he gives them "good spanks" and "bad spanks" on the butt. The "bad spanks" are only when mommy is out of town.

Given that she has a high liklihood of falsley accusing me of abuse, I am considering a letter next week confronting her on the spanking and confirming that he no longer sleeps in their bed.

Any opinions around this?

This is really hard stuff, knowing that a step parent is laying hands on the kids. The bunk bed scenario is disturbing    If it were me, I would write a letter to ask her about the spanking. And maybe reference the different parenting approach of the step dad. Get as much as you can documented -- it isn't so much what you say that counts, it's what she says in response. And judges don't seem to like parents ambushing each other in the hearing, they want to see that there have been attempts to manage this.

From a legal strategy standpoint, you don't want to kitchen sink the judge. But you also want to get this on the table. This is something an L needs to help you think through, because maligning the step father may make it look like you are just trying to stack your argument. If you are genuinely concerned about child abuse, then that means firing up CPS investigations. In my state, you can hit a child with a belt, and that's legal  :'(  so look up the statutes in your state to see how they treat spanking.

Above all, be ultra professional in your emails. A cooperative tone goes a long way when it's being read out loud in court.

[calidad]

Thanks again for the advice everyone. So I spoke to 4 lawyers and sent her a letter forbidding her from relocating. My court orders says she needs my consent to move them. I also sent my court order to the school she tried to enroll in. I rescinded the temporary custody and went back to our original schedule.

So it seems for the time being the kids aren't going anywhere and she's going to need to bring it to the court.