Caught wife having an affair several months ago

[downintx]

Hello,

I am new to this board, but was interested in some feed back on an affair situation with my BPD wife.

Long story, I have been married for nineteen years, and have two teenage children. My marriage has been a very typical BPD marriage - started with the honeymoon phase with incredible frequent sex for the first couple of years, and then the kids where born, and it became transactional sex - you be a good boy, and play by my rules you may get some. Being a people pleaser / co-dependent type that I am,  I put up with her false facade, constantly being sick (somatization disorder), financial draining and non-stop drama for seventeen years.

Couple years ago, my wife stopped taking her medication that she had been taking since I met her and that was essentially keeping her a lot calmer and tamer, so to speak, compared to if she did not take it. That is when things started to get bad, and she was just rude, arrogant and abrupt, etc etc. I started giving her the cold shoulder, and she surprised me a week after fathers day, that she wanted to divorce me and told me she had discussed it with her narcissistic father on fathers day (talk about the ultimate narcissistic feed), and told him that she was getting a divorce. After begging and pleading with her - I agreed that I would go to IC and MC and do what it takes to save the marriage, at least for the sake our our two young teens. The thought of seeing my kids every other week, broke my heart, so I would do whatever it took to keep the family together.

Things somewhat improved, as best as could be expected from living with someone with BPD, and I bit my tongue, and took the constant abuse, critizing, blaming etc, but a couple of years later, with her still off her medication, I found myself retreating and giving her the cold shoulder again. During this time (six months ago), I noticed her texting a lot in bed, and coming home from work late, and running with a "friend" on the weekends.

One night when she was sleeping, I managed to get her phone while it was charging and noticed that she was texting a guy who she had met while out running. The texts were things like, can't wait to see you and hear all about your week etc, etc. When I confronted her she said he was just a friend and she would stop the texts. When I checked the phone record, I noticed that the times she was coming home late, she was driving around in her car and chatting to him on the phone. She went on to create secret email addresses, and used chat apps like snap chat etc. When I asked her to stop, she told me she would not, as she liked him. Being the "keep it to myself" kind of person, I did not want to discuss it with anyone, so I thought I would talk to my MIL, and maybe she could talk some sense into her. She turned the whole thing around and made me look like the bad one, and told me she was getting a divorce... .Her parents are divorced, and obviously everybody took her side, as they thought I was the "evil" one, little did they know what she was up to... .

During this time, I started looking at her call records and internet history and discovered that the first time she threatened me with divorce that she actually was having an exit affair with a guy she had also met while out running. From her internet history it showed that she had searched for several hotels on weekends and when I confronted her, she confessed to having sex with him once, in one of the hotels - at first she said they did not have intercourse, only oral sex, but after more pressing, she said he could not get a hard one, and that even though he put in her vagina, it was very brief, he did not come, and it was brief. The other times she met him at hotels, she said that they had just met at the hotel bars - not sure I believe that.

Any way to cut a long story short - after I found out that she had first had a sexual affair and then an emotional affair, which she said she would have slept with the second one eventually, she agreed to go back on her medication, and has now been real nice and friendly to me, and sex has never been better, I understand this hysterical sexual bonding is normal after discovering an affair. I have not told anyone about her affairs, with the exception of my MIL - she knows about the second EA, and not the first affair, and also, my wife does not get along with her mom, and my MIL is very fond of me. My wife is a high functioning BPD/NPD - she is great to her friends and co-workers, and would take everything out on me. She has such a great name with all her friends, our community and her clients, that the last thing I would want to do is spoil that for her, especially as she seems to be trying a lot more than she has tried in the past.

My question is, does anyone think that this (being nice and loyal) will continue. I kind of feel that she is only being nice to me, because I am the only one who knows about her dark secret of sleeping around, and I feel like i am using it as emotional blackmail to make her treat me nice. I have been keeping a watchful eye on her for the past seven months, and I must say, she has been behaving, and saying nice things to her friends etc about me. She does sometimes appear to show and feel that her affairs where not all her doing, and I should shoulder some of the blame for doing what she did.

Your thoughts, suggestions and advice would be greatly appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Hmcbart]

I don't know if she is being nice because she got caught and that her way of feeling guilty. I know for my wife, I caught her lying but not cheating. She was nice to me for almost 24 hours before turning around and painting me black for being upset.

I don't think they have the ability to continue any behavior for long periods of time. I think it wears them out trying to control their actions to a point where they seem normal and not moody. I notice my wife can last about 3 weeks tops with me being white before she can't take it anymore and comes up with a reason to paint me black again.

Your stronger than I am. If I did find out my wife had an affair, I don't think I could continue with her. Not after the neglect I've dealt with for so many years when it comes to sexual or other emotional needs.

[downintx]

Thank goodness for the medication - it is not perfect but makes a world of difference. Between the meds, the shame and guilt she feels and the occasional reminding her, that she needs to be nice to heal the damage she has caused with her infidelity, she has been affectionate, somewhat kinder and more considerate.

I still don't think she has any empathy for me, and all her kindness and affection is just a facade that she puts up. Since she has been back on her medication, she happened to skip her medication one day, and it was like watching the exorcist movie, where her head turns around, and she spoke with a different voice - scary stuff - that is my concern - will it last with the dirty little secret I have about her, or is it just a matter of time until she tries to screw around again... .I hate the fact that I have to monitor her every move, but at this point, I have no choice.

Even when I went through a period of giving her the cold shoulder, and feeling like I could divorce her, when the actual threat of divorce by her became real, I crumbled and did not want to be abandoned by her or think of loosing the kids. Its kind of crazy, as the BPD is the one who is supposed to fear the abandonment, but instead I was the one feeling it. I guess it may have had something to do with being abandoned my whole life by my own divorced parents.

[Hmcbart]

I can understand how you feel. I've been with my wife for 20 years and was completely blind to the way she was treating me. I never noticed and if I did, she convinced me quickly that it was my fault. It wasn't until going to MC last year (her request) that I realized that marriage wasn't supposed to be one sided. I learned that we were supposed to try to fulfill each other's emotional needs.

That's when I woke up and started seeing things the way they really were. I only learned of BPD this past January after I went to a therapist because I thought I was a sex addict. I wanted it two times a month versus the once a year she was happy with. Turned out I was the normal one.

The more I learn the more I have flashbacks of things that happened when we first met and dated that should have been signs to get out for me. Only now do I actually understand. Kind of scary really.  I'm a fairly intelligent guy but I wasn't smart enough to see what was happening for almost 20 years.

A few weeks ago during an argument she made a comment that I would never have gotten to where I am today if it wasn't for her. I laughed and she got mad. I laughed because she didn't realize how true that statement was. If it weren't for my ability to deal with illogical and sometimes crazy people, I wouldn't be doing as well as I do today in my job. So she was correct in her statement but it's not like I could ever tell her why she was correct.

It's funny how it all works. I reminds me of a bad virus that kills its host. It's a stupid virus because it kills the only thing that can keep it alive. I think that's the way the disorder works sometimes. They are slowly killing (figuratively in most cases) the person who they need to survive. Guess we should have washed our hands more 

[tortuga]

Hello,

I am new to this board, but was interested in some feed back on an affair situation with my BPD wife.

Hey downintx; I have a fairly similar situation to yours.  Sorry you are going through this.

In the end, I did not really take it very well and I developed depression, and a disorder related to PTSD called "adjustment disorder". I also have chronic insomnia, which started exactly when I finally accepted the truth about my uBPDw's affairs.

My first advice to you would be to get your own therapist.  This was a huge help to me, and I've been seeing mine for about 7 years now.  The other thing I would suggest, is that if you are having feelings of depression, talk with your therapist about getting an antidepressant.  It's not necessarily for long term, but that did help me in the short term.  And if you are suffering from insomnia, definitely find a medication for that. (Lunesta is what helped me).  If you can't get proper sleep, your mental integrity will be very difficult to maintain.

Long story, I have been married for nineteen years, and have two teenage children.

Let me stop you right there. 

#1 thing to me was to make sure my kids didn't find out about their mother's behavior.  Maybe when they are adults, if they ask.  But I didn't want my kids to have to deal with her crap while they were growing up.

#2 thing was; I don't know if you will divorce.  But my uBPDw seemed to have a talent for picking the most horrible people for affair partners. Addicts, Narcissists, total douchebags.  I did not want to divorce, and then expose my kids to all her potential boyfriends.  That is why I have stayed as long as I have. But I honestly have no plans to stay long-term. I'm not going to be dealing with her running around on me when I'm 70 or 80 and starting to deal with old age health issues.  Think on this.

My marriage has been a very typical BPD marriage - started with the honeymoon phase with incredible frequent sex for the first couple of years, and then the kids where born, and it became transactional sex - you be a good boy, and play by my rules you may get some. Being a people pleaser / co-dependent type that I am,  I put up with her false facade, constantly being sick (somatization disorder), financial draining and non-stop drama for seventeen years.

yep.  The more I read around this board, the more I hear stories that sound EXACTLY LIKE MINE!

. . .  with her still off her medication, I found myself retreating and giving her the cold shoulder again. During this time (six months ago), I noticed her texting a lot in bed, and coming home from work late, and running with a "friend" on the weekends.

Yes - she was "self-medicating" - with ego-stroking relationships.

. . . . She turned the whole thing around and made me look like the bad one, and told me she was getting a divorce... .Her parents are divorced, and obviously everybody took her side, as they thought I was the "evil" one, little did they know what she was up to... .

yes, mine did that too. She turned it all around and made it all my fault.

During this time, I started looking at her call records and internet history and discovered ... .(etc)

another one of their tools; "trickle-truth" - they'll only admit to what they think you know.  Maybe just a little more, to make it seem plausible.  As you run yourself in circles trying to find out more and more, you learn that it's just the tip of the iceberg.

Eventually, after several cycles of me finding out more, and her confessing more, I finally just decided that this was not how I wanted to live my life; trying to police her like she was some kind of out-of-control 13 year old. 

My wife is a high functioning BPD/NPD - she is great to her friends and co-workers, and would take everything out on me. She has such a great name with all her friends, our community and her clients, that the last thing I would want to do is spoil that for her, especially as she seems to be trying a lot more than she has tried in the past.

You don't have to take responsibility for protecting her from the consequences of her own sh*tty behavior. 

While I do think it's important to protect children from having to deal with this stuff, (and I don't think it's really my job to go around telling everyone my wife had an affair. . . several affairs) - I also won't protect her from her own bad choices.

If you do take that on - it is a huge burden. Particularly if she decides that she has "gotten away with it", and decides to resume her behavior as soon as she feels you're not paying enough attention again.

My question is, does anyone think that this (being nice and loyal) will continue.

based on my experience, and what I've read on this forum, I think you can expect nothing but more of the same.

I kind of feel that she is only being nice to me, because I am the only one who knows about her dark secret of sleeping around, and I feel like i am using it as emotional blackmail to make her treat me nice.

If you read about how humans deal with trauma and the grieving process, you'll see that we go through stages of denial, depression, blaming, anger, bargaining, (etc), until we finally arrive at acceptance. 

Bargaining is an interesting one, because we tend to make ourselves feel more comfortable with what we've lost, if we con ourselves into believing we had some control over what happened.  So we make bargains, "I'll keep her secret and we can pretend like it didn't happen - so we don't have to deal with the fact that it actually did happen."  It is a measure of comfort for you.

I have been keeping a watchful eye on her for the past seven months, and I must say, she has been behaving, and saying nice things to her friends etc about me. She does sometimes appear to show and feel that her affairs where not all her doing, and I should shoulder some of the blame for doing what she did.

While it is possible that she is in a happier state, and maybe being back on her medication is helping - it is also possible that she has simply figured out how to proceed with her behavior while hiding it from you.  She knows how you found out last time - so why would she make the same mistakes?

The fact that she shifts the blame for her behavior onto you, means that she is unable to process the guilt and shame of her own bad choices.  Don't take the blame for her behavior.  Nobody "forces" another person to lie and cheat. They always have other options.

The fact that my uBPDw cheated with whomever was handy at the time; she wasn't choosy, kind of showed me that she simply wanted to gratify her ego, and was not interested in doing the hard work or making the more difficult choice to confront her pain and her issues in a more healthy, adult way. Like therapy, or staying on meds. (and really - for pwBPD, therapy is not optional.  It's very difficult. And very few of them will avoid serious problems if they do not seek treatment and stick with it). She did try to blame me.  And I even bought into it for a while. And that was the worst thing I could have done, and resulted in a lot of problems for me.

If your uBPDw will not seek help, then at the very least, you should, for your own good. 

[downintx]

Hmcbart,

I also only found out about BPD a couple of years ago, and was unaware all these years what I was up against. When I called my MIL crying that her daughter wanted to divorce me, she was the one who told me that she had BPD, and her father had NPD. When I read about it, it was frightening to think that I had been dealing and living with this abuse for so long. The sad thing about it is, because she is high functioning vs low functioning, she was/is able to hide it and put on a facade and most friends and her co-workers think she is a saint.

I, Like you, have also been with my wife for 20 years. The sex starving seemed to get worse as the years moved on. At 15 years she said she wanted to stop taking birth control, as she had heard it was extremely bad for her health, and that I needed to have a vasectomy, or else I would have to start using condoms. No sooner did I have a vasectomy, she said her doctor recommended that she stay on BC, to regulate her period better. That's the time she started screwing around too... .

I don't think I could have stayed with her if we only had sex once a year. Unless you are staying there for the kids sake, I would have left or been having my own affair if that was the case. As they say, as sexless marriage is no marriage. I would check her out thoroughly, maybe she is having an affair. My wife became very cold, and avoided me at all costs the two times she was with her affair partners. Once a year is BS - I could not stand for that.

My wife would give me a hard time about a BJ, when I told my doctor that she had an affair, and was giving this 60 year old BJ's. He said to tell her next time she refuses or says it makes her gag, just tell her that if she could stick the grandad's dick in her mouth, she can do the same to you, so that is just what I did, and it worked, for now at least... .

tortuga,

Thanks for all the tips, and advice. I am sorry you had to deal with the same issue as I did. I know what you mean about them not being fussy with their selection of men. My wife was seeing a guy who was 60 - 15 years her senior and the second one, he was half her size, and double her weight.

It is hard to leave them, and as you mentioned, you hang in there especially for the kids, as you know that they will find just anyone to shack up with, and then the poor innocent kids will have to deal with the new step dad.

The meds help a lot - like day and night. We had an okay marriage for 17 years with her on them. Then she started to wean herself off them, and every second day was a nightmare. Then it got to a point when she stopped completely, which was like living with the devil herself. For now, between me knowing her deep dark secret, and her meds, I am enjoying the semi-calmness, and the regular sex. For how long it will last, I have no idea, but for now, and after two years of hell, it feels good, some place, I have not been to in a while.

[downintx]

tortuga,

With regard to the therapy - I did go to IC and MC. IC twice and for about 10 to 12 sessions at a time, but found it did little to help me. My doctor did prescribe me medication for anxiety and depression, and I take them on an as needed basis and they help me a lot when needed, but try to not take them when I don't need them, as the side effect do seem to interfere with my daily functioning. My doctor also recommended several books to read, which I helps me a lot in finding the necessary tools in dealing with the BPD relationship, and improving my own issues.

With regard to keeping the kids out of it, I tried my best to keep them out of it, but on D-Day I was an emotional wreck and it was hard to hide the fact at what i was upset about, so I did downplay the issue, and said that their mom was spending a lot of time with a new friend she had made, and that was it, that they were just friends. When I do try to have a civil conversation with her, I will always close the door, so the kids do not hear, but as dramatic and obnoxious as my BPD wife is, she makes a point a making sure she raises her voice and starts yelling so that either the kids come into the room to see what is going on, and that is her way out to avoid bringing up anything that should be discussed. She does not know how to talk softly when we are discussing marital issues... .and besides, she usually twists everything around that by the time I am finished talking to her, I am so confused myself... .

[Stalwart]

Hey downintx:

Welcome to the site. Just a quick intro I've had the same problems in the past with infidelity that you've experienced. Suffice to say that it was more prolonged. Neither situation is right so there really isn't one worse than the other by comparison.

You haven't been too long into the healing process my friend and I can say that rightfully I can still feel a lot of anger and hurt in your posts about your experience and how you feel as a result. I don't want to get too far into details because you're living it. It does take time to come to terms with if you're ever able to come to terms with it at all. Rather than talk about the intricacies of the affair I'd like to tackle your questions head on if that's alright and having lived through the experience and learned a lot, not only about affairs but also BPD behavior especially pertaining to an affair I might just throw a bit different perspective at you as food for thought.

We don't know the entire story behind anything so as an outsider I'm not much on judgment but there are a couple of things that you might want to kick around when your considering what you want for the future of your relationship if anything at all.

First I'm of a firm mind that an affair just can't and shouldn't be swept under a carpet as being acceptable or condoned. There is no way to condone it. Bottom-line is just isn't right to do to another person and what might be more important in your wife's mind is that just wasn't right for her to do either. Having said that I'll take a stab at the questions below.

My question is, does anyone think that this (being nice and loyal) will continue. I kind of feel that she is only being nice to me, because I am the only one who knows about her dark secret of sleeping around,  She does sometimes appear to show and feel that her affairs where not all her doing, and I should shoulder some of the blame for doing what she did.

Your thoughts, suggestions and advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'll take the latter first: "She does sometimes appear to show and feel that her affairs where not all her doing, and I should shoulder some of the blame for doing what she did". You're the only one who truly knows the answer to that my friend. I'll run a little scenario from my past by you as food for thought because that was my first thought of myself actually after I came to terms with the fact I was going to stay. Of course again, it's not your fault she made the choice she made because it's just not right to make that choice but did you have a part in it in her mind. Let's drop the BPD for a minute and just think about a relationship. Did you distance yourself from your wife out of confusion and not understanding the situation of chaos you were in?

Did she feel loved? Did she feel admired by you? Did she feel listened to and do you think at that time in your relationship she felt either respected, valued or loved by you? Did you have a close emotional connection with her at that time? I'll leave it to the ladies to chime in on this but isn't that what every woman wants in her relationship, to feel valued? The majority of women, and not all, really look outside the home because this is what they are lacking and crave inside the home and it isn't available to them. Naturally sex becomes entwined in any extra-marital relationship but generally it really isn't as much about the sex as it is the want to be nurtured and loved and feel that emotional connection.

Hey a relationship is a life long dance together. We both share in the dance and are a player in how that dance is performed in one way or another.

So why does your wife ask if you feel any type of responsibility? Hey we all look so hard for the BPD trap and blame game that sometimes we forget that maybe, just maybe it's still a woman who in some way want's the needs and missings she felt at that time validated as having existed.

So in speaking to some women after I found out and was making up my mind I mentioned that I understood I may have had my part to play in becoming distanced and aloof and for that I'm willing to stand up and be accountable but that still doesn't make having had an affair right. Each and everyone dropped their jaw and made roughly the same comment, "You don't know how much I respect what you just said." You see they could all see from their perspectives that all too often it is the emotional attachment that leads women to the decisions and they were just a little shocked that I also recognized my part in that.

Only you truly know what your relationship was like and if you did contribute to her decisions. She's apparently trying to make a difference (and although you don't seem to realize it with the no empathy statement she really probably bounces between a few different bases trying to make it to home plate. She'll bounce between self-disgust and thinking she isn't worthy, she'll also be a bit confused about why you would even consider staying with her, after all she's known desertion for a lot less and how could you stay with her? She'll also be running partially blind diverting blame from herself because the blame is so hard for her to shoulder. Right now she may be in part painting you white because she can't believe you stayed and hoping you can both rekindle rather than fall back down the past path that evidently didn't work well for either of you.

Now the balls in your corner. There are huge possibilities of making so many improvements in past missings to show her that you do care and do love her. It's not easy after what you've been through but how easy is it for you living in the hurt and especially the anger at her. That's a consuming and dark place that can grow so desperate in a persons mind or you can put it in the past, step up to the plate and start another inning. One positive thing, the game isn't over yet.

Trust is tough and a tough one to get over if you really ever do, but it can be lived with. You seem to already be tiring of 'checking it out' and finding nothing to distrust. Believe me as much as it might not be vocalized she is probably hell bent on not giving you anything to mistrust because she knows the importance of it. That will take time, once bitten - twice shy or first time shame on you, second time shame on me. What ever governs your thinking it will take time to trust and it's hard to offer again.

It's not just about her painting you black and white, it's also about you can do about yourself and changing the dynamics of you relationship to help her chose what colour she picks off the palette.

So there's the question back full circle and now it also implicates the second question. "My question is, does anyone think that this (being nice and loyal) will continue."

Do you think that you may have had some part to play in the dance or not? Knowing that answer firmly will help you make a better decision about what course you want to steer from there and how you want to try and make it 'continue.' It will be about what you decide to put into it, because she already is probably doing her very best considering the situation she's put you both in to make it better - and that's consuming and not altogether so easy for her to do.

Just food for thought and I hope you fare well in your decisions for both of you.

[downintx]

Thanks Stalwart!

That was definitely some good food for thought. And yes, I agree with you, I am not completely blameless in the marriage. Like a lot of us, I have my own issues, faults, and problems. As I mentioned, I am a people pleaser, and for the most part would always give in, and apologize to her, even when the fight or argument was all on her shoulders and her doing.

Although I have seen a little light at the end of the tunnel, as you said, I am still in the early stages of recovery, and hold a lot of resentment towards what she did as far as the affairs, and the flashbacks of how she treated me over the years.

Since reading up, and learning about the illness that she suffers from, and even though I know it is an illness that is not curable, it is still hard to just say - well what she did over the years, and continues to do, are okay, because she is sick mentally.

As I mentioned, I am no saint myself, and I know I should be in control of my own emotions, but I do feel a lot of my moods, silent treatments, frustrations and anger are a lot from the way I have been treated over the years, not to mention the last two years with the double divorce threat and affairs.

I do believe though that for the first seventeen years, even though I put up with a lot of the BPD drama, she was faithful to me. It was a combination of her going off her meds, where I saw her true colors, and me retreating, and giving her no time, showing her zero love and zero connection that caused her to go and look for it somewhere else. Do I have myself to blame for that - I guess under the situation (BPD illness), it would be said that I should have been more understanding, and I think I was, to a point, but living with someone who has BPD issues and being medicated is bearable to a point, but when she stopped the meds it was like living with a monster.

She has gone back on her meds, and for now I am enjoying having my "old" tamer wife back - sorry to be so crude, but that is just how she is when she is on it. Being the compassionate person I am, is one of the reasons, I did not abandon her, or ruin her reputation she has spent years building in our little community. In fact I was on another board that is more geared towards infidelity, and it seems as though the rule of thumb on that board is to use the shock and awe method to bring them back to their senses and out of the fog, which is basically pack their belongings in garbage bags and throw them out, and then file for divorce. I took the other route - I knew if I distanced myself and cut her off, it would make matters worse and be harder to ever make amends.

Thanks for the great insight - it was so inspiring that I had to read it a few times. I will definitely make sure I put more effort and love into our relationship going forward, regardless of whether she has BPD or not. As they say, two wrongs don't make a right.

[waverider]

A core problem you will have s that she will "get over it" quicker than you. This will leave you with resentment issues and she will see this as carrying a grudge and put her back into victim mode and you as persecutor.

Will it ever happen again? No one knows, a lot depends if the RS moves into a new phase or it continues with the status quo. It is obvious the status que doesn't hold her attention enough.

In short pwBPD change their behavior from one focus to another, they rarely just stop something without something else filling the void. So what is going to change?

[Hmcbart]

A core problem you will have s that she will "get over it" quicker than you. This will leave you with resentment issues and she will see this as carrying a grudge and put her back into victim mode and you as persecutor.

These words are so true. I have seen this so many times. She said she's sorry so now it's done. 24 hours later you are rightfully still upset and hurt but she apologized so it's done in her mind. That's when she gets mad at you for still being upset. You are the one who won't let things go. It's in the past, why do you keep bringing it up.

Worst of all, you are now the bad person because you won't let it go. She no longer acts nice like she did when she felt a little bit of guilt but now she's angry and the silent treatment, criticizing and everything else kicks in.

This is the part that always had me believing it was my fault. Turns out I'm a Caretaker and quickly give up the fight and go back to my ways.

[downintx]

waverider,

A core problem you will have s that she will "get over it" quicker than you. This will leave you with resentment issues and she will see this as carrying a grudge and put her back into victim mode and you as persecutor.

Thanks for the response. Yes, I know exactly what you mean - I asked her to read the book - how to help your spouse heal from infidelity, and when she was half way, I asked her what she though of the book, and she said she thought it was very bias? So very little empathy from her - she initially told me when I discovered the affair, that according to stats of how many people have extra marital affairs that it was a perfectly normal thing to do... .Any remorse that she has shown,  has been me prompting her and guiding her, and saying thing to her such as - I would appreciate if you show affection, be kind, do not do stuff that triggers memories of the affair, be sweet and kind etc etc. She also tells me all the time to get over my little self-pity-party, she is not going to dwell in the past with me, and that we can't move forward if I continue to bring it up.

I enjoyed your signature quote "If YOU don't change, things will stay the same" I have changed a lot, considering all that has gone on, and especially with her having the affairs. Amongst many of the changes, like setting firm boundaries to curtail her mischievous ways,  I am especially working on being there for her emotionally - if that is possible, as I believe that was the main trigger of her infidelity. I even read the book, how to love a borderline, but have to admit, it is real hard work implementing the things, and tools they suggest you use for us to get along.

Being in a relationship and trying to love someone, who has very little empathy and is as cold as ice, is no easy task. Its all a false facade of acting and when you get into bed at night, and try to be intimate once in a while, it feels as if you are sleeping with a blow-up-doll, with no love and no emotional intimacy. Regardless - at my stage of life (51) , I may just be better off changing things on my end to at least hopefully keep the peace for now.

[Stalwart]

Hey Down:

Nothing is a quick easy fix. Learning the tools here and suggestions in other books take time to develop well as a natural response and skill.

There comes a time in the most difficult of situations like you are in to just sit and define what you want and what would be best for you and her if you want to better your relationship together. It doesn't have to be about just keeping the peace, it can be about moving forward in a better direction. You have the ability to change yourself to meet the needs that were perceived as missing in the past.

It's hard to do and like I said you're new into the process but there has to come a time inside yourself that you can learn to understand what happened from her take and maybe from your own interactions in it as well if that's appropriate. It's what do you do now if you want to move forward.

One you can't keep leafing through the book going back because there in just nothing you can change about it.

Two can you find forgiveness in your heart for what she did. That doesn't mean feeling sorry for her or accepting or validating that it was right - it never is. But can you find it in you to forgive her and move forward. Forgetting well that needs to be your own inner battle now and not brought up.


Thirdly, can you take the book and instead of turning backward leave the past where it belongs and turn to a new blank page and write your own future on it and just keep moving forward focused on the new direction and not the past.

I found it important to step up and validate her feelings that she didn’t feel connected and close at the time our relationship and leave that statement at that. That’s what she wants to hear, that you understand how she felt. I went further to step up to my accountabilities in accepting I wasn’t close to her and know what I did wrong as well and that I want to make that right and start over again only do this better knowing now how badly you felt. The trick is to go forward, bite your tongue, you know everything you need to know about the past, you know what you need to do to make a better future if you’re staying together. The whole thing about learning is about personal growth and becoming a better husband that more easily recognize and meet her needs. Do so will change the dynamics of you whole relationship. She wants to move forward and with you, can you move forward with her in a way that can help rebuild your relationship to be better than it was now that you know why it failed?

I know you’ve been in sites and everyone told you pack and run. I was in the same boat and situation. I knew for our relationship that wasn’t the right thing to do so I was damned if I was staying to not do everything possible to change it for the better because there is no way I was going back to the problem of the pasts. That can be done. It isn’t fast, it isn’t easy. There’s a lot to learn and put into action but it becomes a pleasure when she responds to the new you in a better way.

[downintx]

Thanks so much Stalwart,

You make a lot of sense - so much in fact that I have read what you wrote a few times and taken it all in, and will definitely heed your good advice. As you and some others before, have mentioned - by me making changes on my end, will make a big difference in the way she responds back to me. I am in it for the long haul, so no better time than right now in making those changes. Your signature "You Can't Change the Wind but You Can Adjust the Sails." says it all. Thanks again for the inspiring words you are definitely an asset to the forum. Keep up the good work, and have a great weekend.

[Stalwart]

Hey Down:

You have a great weekend too. Remember things will still take time. Look for small hopes and take strength in them, knowing that your compass is set in the right direction.

Glad to hear you're finding a better place than anger to work from.

[waverider]

pwBPD struggle to change themselves, this is one of the reasons they feel worthless. So  harping on at them causes them stress, they will try to fake it or play the part, but the motivation to do that wears thin soon, so they get frustrated when you "still want them to play that part".

pwBPD respond to their environment, hence the most effective way to see any change in them is to change their environment. The key component in that environment is you. Hence why it is recommended you change you and this can trigger a change in them.

[Stalwart]

Ditto Waverider:

Awesome post. One that would bring more awareness and direction to all of us who can really change the dynamics of our own relationships.

Thanks

[downintx]

Waverider and Stalwart,

Took both of yours advice from your responses a few days ago, and already seeing a huge difference in her response to me. As you both said, it is not always easy, but just the smallest changes and any positive responses go a long way, and as little as they may seem now, they add up to a lot over time. Looking forward to many more. You both seem to have the same approach when dealing with BPD, and that is, try changing my approach instead of my spouse, something most other people and forums don't practice or suggest. I think a lot of us get on these forums with the intent of getting advice of what we can do, to change our BPD spouses and their ways, instead of changing our ways. I am inspired by both of your signature slogans - "You Can't Change the Wind but You Can Adjust the Sails." and "If YOU don't change, things will stay the same." Keep up the good work and thank you again!