shokwavex
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3
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« on: May 28, 2015, 09:52:34 PM » |
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Hello I've been basically reading the very broad and extremely helpful information on here and felt compelled to make a post with my current pain I've been drowning in. I couldn't even get out of bed to go to work today because I felt so depressed.
I've been dating a girl for about 6 months, she had confided in me years ago (as friends, and very soon after meeting) that she had been sexually abused. While she mentioned having PTSD, body dysmorphia (i'm fat--not even close!) and now depression and anxiety, delusions of grandeur (i should be famous) I am also realizing that my reason for feeling depressed is because she has BPD/NPD characteristics.
It all began like a dream or fantasy, she told me she dates only for the potential of marriage, and knowing and accepting her past, I told her I wouldn't waste her time without the most honest of intentions. We began very slowly, seeing each other once a week, and soon we were seeing each other almost every day.
My personality seems to be somewhat co-dependent as I learned from reading on here, which I know is not such a good thing and I am committed to improving it for my own sake.
After getting close and intimate (waited 3 months) everything seemed like things were headed very positively forward. Then I started to notice something as we got closer--she began making subtle, belittling remarks whether it was during sex or having a conversation. At first I was baffled and confused, rendering (what I came to realize) one of my pitfalls for our "equilibrium". As the remarks continued, it began to somehow erode my self esteem, and confidence--which I am seeing now in hindsight since I am completely drained now. Sometimes she would insult me and I would react , since it seemed hurtful and I would never say something to someone I cared for, and consistently say "you're too sensitive". I initially would recover the situation by using humor to offset the negativity, and everything would be fine.
Then came the arguing out of nowhere. If I poured her coffee, she'd snap and say she likes pouring it herself. Again, I'd react with shock (shouldn't have reacted), and negativity would loom in the air. The petty arguing went on for weeks, and I began to question my own sanity and how this all started happening. She began telling me I'm always too serious, and negative. When I tried to explain that certain things she said made me feel bad, she would laugh and use the "you're too sensitive" line. It's like she enjoyed trying to provoke me.
Our largest and last blowout had to do with her initiating arousal on the couch--which led to sex. Immediately after she yelled "you got what you wanted, didn't you? you piece of s**t. Get the f**k out of here". I realized after reading this site, that I had been shamed for wanting to be intimate for a girl that I care for and love. She said she was "sort of" testing me to see if I could just sit on the couch for once without trying anything (we hardly got intimate, usually on her terms, almost always me orally, without her reciprocating).
Now this brings me to the current. For the last couple weeks, she said we need time to "cool down", and slowly we began seeing each other less and less. Then she became too busy to pick up my calls, or answer my texts immediately like she always had before, and that inquiring about this was something she couldn't handle because I'd make her feel bad.
I asked her if she hates me, and she told me "its more than that". I feel like these fights were picked intentionally to fabricate a reason to drift apart. She says that she's miserable and takes it out on me, because I keep trying to dig at how to fix our relationship, and that it takes time and space to heal. What I'm certain of, is that the ex she could never stop talking about and texted that she was "done forever", had been in touch with her a lot during this arguing phase. She also stopped telling me about who she hangs out with, and putting her phone face down. It hurts to think this, but based on what I've read, I'm assuming the worst since her once predictable and non erratic behavior has turned into a disappearing act.
When I do suggest the possibility of breaking up, she says she's trying to salvage whats left desperately, and how could we throw it all away? It kills me because I envisioned her to be my wife some day. She said she loved me when I introduced her to my parents, now she hates me after a buildup of arguments? I'm not trying to downplay her feelings, and acknowledge that I could and would try my best to sincerely react in a more positive way, and not let her walk all over me.
My parents and friends are all concerned, because Its like my joy for life appears stripped, I feel like I've lost my sense of humor, and confidence. I am so worn out, and I love this girl dearly. Any insight on pairing examples with traits of particular disorders would be appreciated, as I'm not totally sure if I'm right or wrong about my assumptions. Thank you all for your support, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted just by writing how I feel.
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