Dealing with never feeling loved by anyone

[Achaya]

My BPD ex told me this week that she is incapable of loving anyone. She said her attachments to her lovers are about meeting basic needs of hers, like safety, that she doesn't know how to take care of herself.

It has been my worst fear for the past 3 years that she didn't really love me, because people don't distance and abandon someone they love every few months. When she finally discarded me 6 weeks ago I obsessed for some time about whether she had really loved me, as it seemed unrealistic to think that she would dump me in an abrupt way if she really had. Now she has validated my worst fear.

The most painful part of this for me is the sense that I have been dumped back into the life I had before her, a life in which I felt unloved and unlovable for who I am. I am valued for what I do for other people, and I do for other people all day long every day. But I don't have a history of feeling loved by anyone for who I am. So I was taken on this wild roller coaster ride by my ex, and for about a year and a half I felt loved and happier than I have ever felt. I had just started to feel better about myself, more confident, and also very happy to be coupled. Now I am back where I was before, and am not doing very well.

I am plodding through the day, feeling mostly hopeless about ever experiencing the security and fulfillments of a normal relationship. I am not suicidal, but life doesn't seem worth living.

Have any of you overcome a similar history of rejection by family and subsequent relational partners? I would love to hear how you did it.

[Allmessedup]

  Achaya!

Sounds like you need one today! 

You are in space that is all too familiar to me.

Try to remember that with BPD their emotions swing so wildly and intensely that they honestly believe what they are saying... .AT THAT MOMENT.

It doesn't mean she never felt that she loved you but that right now she feels like she never loved any of her partners.  There is a difference if you can find it.

Since this is the PI board I will ask you a question... .what about doing for others makes it that you can be lovable? 

For me it was/is a form of control a way to make sure I was loved.  In any way I could be.  I sure didn't love myself... .and if I couldn't love me then why would anyone else?

It's a big bite to swallow and so very very hard

I am back here brand new after a recycle that went very wrong.  But before this I spent a whole lot of time here on this board getting asked some really tough questions and trying to find the answers in myself.

For me a lot of this answers originated in my FOO dynamics and in time it helped to see ultimately that it was not that I was rejected because of myself nor because I was unlovable but rather partly because I was taking accountability for everyone else.

I am just six days out of yet another bu with my dxBPDgf.  So this I am writing not only for you but myself

Take care of you!

Amu

[Jack_50]

Hello Achaya,

I think what you need is self-love.

You've been pandering to others' needs, and were too dependent on their approval for your feeling of self-worth.

It is time to make yourself a priority, and give yourself what you don't get from others.

Say to yourself "well done" when you finish something.

I know it sounds a bit odd, but it has helped me to climb out of the empty pit.

And you're basically removing a huge dependency on others.

Jack

[Lucky Jim]

I sure didn't love myself... .and if I couldn't love me then why would anyone else?

Hey Achaya, Amu puts that well, as does Jack_50.  Agree, the place to start is with self-acceptance and self-lose.  You're not perfect, my friend, and neither am I, yet I accept me for who I am with all my imperfections.  It doesn't mean that I'm complacent about my shortcomings, just that I accept them as the starting point, and love myself regardless.

I would caution you about taking what your BPDx said too literally.  Don't forget that a pwBPD is highly unreliable and irrational in the things they say, and their emotions change from moment to moment, as amu notes.  Don't bother obsessing over stuff your Ex may have said, because it will never make sense, in my view.

These days, I strive to be authentic.  That way, if someone cares about me or loves me, they are getting the genuine article.  You might consider a similar commitment to authenticity.  Celebrate your uniqueness and let it all hang out.

LuckyJim

[workinprogress]

I agree with Lucky Jim.  Self-acceptance is the key.  You probably don't even know who you are.  I have had a long haul while trying to keep my marriage going and set boundaries and figure out exactly who I am.

Well, I discovered that I was a huge people pleaser.  I did everything for everyone else, and neglected myself.  One of the best ways to overcome this is by saying the word "no."  Stop doing everything for everyone else.

Another thing you can do is to get a friend you can do things with.  Wait before you divulge too much info about your situation.  Just find someone to  work out with or whatever.  Just be a guy.

Trust me, you will feel like a selfish cad by not focusing on everyone else.  It will pass though.

[workinprogress]

Sorry, but I am going to add a couple of more thoughts.

I was trained by my parents to go above and beyond for everyone else.  It was how I got my inner value.  I gave everything to my wife, kids, work, everybody but me.

If you start making yourself a priority it will enhance the lives of everyone around you.  Start going above and beyond for yourself. 

My biggest recommendation is to get some sort of exercise, even if it is just walking.

Also, take a little trip.  Go somewhere you always wanted go.  Relax and have fun.  Get away from the people who have surrounded you and most likely exploited you. 

Have fun!

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Achaya!

When I initially begn to realize that my SO had NPD and BPD traits, one of my first reactions was that I felt horribly used.  I felt like just a tool for his narcissistic supply.

These thoughts triggered deep wounds from childhood of only feeling used vs loved, nurtured, cherished and cared for.

I still am not sure that I have completely resolved these ideas within my head.

I did spend much time in therapy with our MC while my SO was devaluing me at the end of the r/s.

During this time I cried, lamented, and begged him to hear me when I told him that SO love for me was a sham!  He was using me!  He only loved me for the image I helped him see!

I am grateful to have the MC at this time.  He was also seeing SO for individual as well.  MC remained calm through this struggle of mine.  He insisted SO trulely deeply loved me!  It baffled my head!  I was forced to come to a new understanding to resolve this issue in my head.

I am glad that MC remained calm and unaffected by my emotion about this topic.  He was able to have a view that I couldn't.  He was able to see a side of SO that was hurting, conflicted, trying to act out of care and concern.  I believe he intentionally presented these truths to me to conflict with my beliefs that SO did not love me.

Even so... .I questioned that this care and concern SO displayed to MC was less for me... .but more to remain pristine in MC eyes... .more for his own image vs care for me.

Ok... .so I don't know the real truth.  I think it may remain a life mystery with no actual proven truth.

I think if you are religious and Christian... .you believe in Christ.    If not... .you believe in something else.

I think the idea of my NPD/BPD ex trulely loving me is as simple as religion and determining what to believe in.  What is the truth?

I currently feel my ex DID love me... .as much as he was capable... .in the way that he was capable.

I believe that his feelings for me were true and genuine. 

I believe that he had conflicting feelings. 

I do believe that part of how he was loving me was a function to actually love himself... .just as I loved the image he had of me in the beginning.

I think love is many things... .not one thing.

If I held on to a belief that love is only one specific thing... .one specific way... .I may then decide he did not love me.

It is because to me... .

love is so much to me... . 

Varied, little, big, gray, ugly, beautiful, nothing, everything... .and more

It is because of my belief in this ... .that I feel he truly loved me

... .and I feel he still does, in his own way.

[Tay25]

Sorry you are having a down day, I hope everything is getting better.

I also have these feelings due to my alcoholic father. He would frequently tell me he loves me but his actions would not reinforce it. The same with my mother.

Right now I am trying to do everything I can to feel better, because living each day with the thought that you are not lovable  is unhealthy. Instead I have chosen to see that only I am capable of loving myself and so I do things to feel that way. These would be exercising, hanging out with friends, eating healthy, anything that is taking care of my needs or making me feel better.

[Achaya]

Thank you everyone for your support! I am doing somewhat better today.

I have been trying all my life to make sense out of the fact that my mother repeatedly insisted that she and my father both loved me (they are both deceased now), yet I felt so unloved as a child. They both used me or try to use me to fill unmet childhood needs of theirs for mirroring, unconditional love, and in my mom's case, mothering, a best friend, and a companion to protect her from ever being alone. My father was alcoholic when I was a child. He also was broken into pieces of himself as a result of rejection and extremely violent abuse by my grandparents during in his own childhood. I don't know if he had BPD but he definitely had PTSD from that.

I see that my BPD ex loved me both on a child level and in the borderline way, where she was looking to me to supply parts of herself that she can't access on her own. She just couldn't take it to a higher level where she could love me as a separate adult person. I felt alone and unvalidated on that level.

I now am thinking that my parents couldn't love me on that level either. They didn't get enough of the right kind of love themselves so they couldn't offer it. So maybe I can say that I wasn't loved in the way I needed, not really because I was rejected, but because my parents and my ex as well just didn't/don't live on that level.

I do love God and have gotten a lot of comfort from listening to Christian music on a daily basis. It makes me feel connected to God as I drive around to do errands and when I am at home. I have had experiences years ago when I felt God's Presence very strongly and could believe He loved me, but it is hard to feel that right now. I know I am giving too much power to other people in this.

I believe what Thomas Jefferson said, that we are created equal by God, and I am trying to remember that. Believing that I am "as good as any other person" feels a bit more attainable right now than thinking of myself as lovable as an individual, created like no other (even though I see that in everyone else).

I feel like I am making some progress in all this, but it remains so, so painful. I can't even imagine having enough confidence to start dating again. (I'm not ready for it anyway, though). I do have some hope. And I am taking better care of myself now than I did during my recent relationship.

Thanks again to everyone for your help. And my heart goes out to you as well, as I know your pain.   

[Suzn]

Believing that I am "as good as any other person" feels a bit more attainable right now than thinking of myself as lovable as an individual, created like no other (even though I see that in everyone else).

You are no different than anyone else. I made it a point to take a year to get to know who I am after my b/u with my exBPDgf. One of the things I did during that time aside from therapy, posting on these boards and reading was create a Facebook page with nothing but positive, inspirational quotes and images that sat well with my soul. That was over 3 years ago, I still use it today. It is my "work space". It's not my personal page, it isn't "for" my friends though I have shared it with a few. This did several things for me. First it helped me turn my negative thoughts around, I have my moments though this really helped. Second, it certainly showed me this world is much bigger than me and it was fun to explore it. Third, it helped me get to know, again, what I liked, what I agreed or disagreed with. Fourth, I decided right away that this page would contain nothing negative, no matter how bad my day was, it was the only rule for this work space.

I thought I'd share a couple of examples with you of things I've found and taken to heart after working to squeeze out that negative voice that lies to us about not being as worthy as anyone else. You are.

My Personal Bill of Rights

1. I have numerous choices in my life beyond mere survival.

2. I have a right to discover and know my child within.

3. I have a right to grieve over what I didn’t get that I needed or what I got that I didn’t need or want.

4. I have a right to follow my own values and standards.

5. I have a right to recognize and accept my own value system as appropriate.

6. I have a right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.

7. I have a right to dignity and respect.

8. I have a right to make decisions.

9. I have a right to determine and honor my own priorities.

10. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.

11. I have the right to terminate conversations with people who make me feel put down and humiliated.

12. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.

13. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

14. I have a right to expect honesty from others.

15. I have a right to all of my feelings.

16. I have a right to be angry at someone I love.

17. I have a right to be uniquely me without feeling I’m not good enough.

18. I have a right to feel scared and to say “I’m afraid.”

19. I have the right to experience and then let go of fear, guilt and shame.

20. I have a right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgment, or any reason that I choose.

21. I have a right to change my mind at any time.

22. I have a right to be happy.

23. I have a right to stability i.e. “roots” and stable, healthy relationships of my choice.

24. I have the right to my own personal space and time needs.

25. There is no need to smile when I cry.

26. It is okay to be relaxed, playful, and frivolous.

27. I have the right to be flexible and be comfortable with doing so.

28. I have the right to change and grow.

29. I have the right to be open to improve communication skills so that I may be understood.

30. I have a right to make friends and be comfortable around people.

31. I have a right to be in a non-abusive environment.

32. I can be healthier than those around me.

33. I can take care of myself no matter what.

34. I have the right to grieve over actual or threatened losses.

35. I have the right to trust others who earn my trust.

36. I have the right to forgive others and to forgive myself.

37. I have the right to give and to receive unconditional love

The Physics of The Quest

"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call "The Physics of The Quest"- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: "If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or

internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you

meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all -to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself... .then truth will not be withheld from you." Or so I've come to believe."

— Elizabeth Gilbert "Facciamo fronte unito"

[Achaya]

Believing that I am "as good as any other person" feels a bit more attainable right now than thinking of myself as lovable as an individual, created like no other (even though I see that in everyone else).

Thank you so much for sharing all this Suzn. I think I could benefit from developing and cultivating positive thoughts about myself as well. There is a way in which it is my responsibility to myself. I will work on this... .