Mixed messages

[Michelle27]

My husband and I are currently doing a "therapeutic separation" while he heads into treatment for what he finally accepts as having BPD and I work on healing the damage and changing myself to never again be codependent and accept abusive behaviors.  We have agreed to see each other for coffee once a week or so and have a date night almost every week to stay connected.  At the same time, I have made it clear that I need space and time to heal and to allow him to work on his stuff without my pressure or influence.  By the same token, friends and my therapist keep telling me that they see red flags that he is doing the things he is doing (CBT classes, getting a mental health evaluation in order to hopefully get DBT and taking anger management classes) is to "keep" me, not for himself.  I think time will tell, but I need to get myself straight and heal before I can think about living under the same roof again.  In the meantime, I keep feeling pressure from him, bringing me flowers, lots of "I love you", "you are so sexy" messages, major PDA when we meet up and requests to sleep with him.  These are making me uncomfortable right now.  It all feels manipulative.  I recognize that after years of truly being manipulated (he confirms that was/is a major coping mechanism for him), I could just be triggered too easily right now.

This week my therapist told me I am likely giving him mixed messages and basically said I needed to cut the ties, no "date nights", tell him to stop with the messages for now and we need to work on our own stuff with full focus.  At first I balked at this.  I thought a therapeutic separation was about staying connected while working on our own crap, but the more I think about it, she's right.  She believes that cutting off this kind of stuff will allow him to truly show he is doing what he needs to for him and not me.  She basically implied that I should tell him we are done for now and that we will see how things are down the road maybe a year or so when he's had time to work on his stuff and I've had time to work on me.

So yesterday, I had coffee with him and talked about this stuff.  Told him what my therapist and I talked about and he confirmed that he feels that I am dangling him on a string.  I told him that wasn't my   intention but that I did feel we should stay somewhat connected so I wasn't going to cut off ties.  I told him I was proud of the efforts he IS making but need time to confirm that the things he's doing are for him and not to keep me around.  He was clearly not happy to hear this but validated my needs and seemed to understand why I am uncomfortable with some things.  Am I on the right track?  I truly didn't feel like I was dangling him on a string and I want to do things right.

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[takingandsending]

Hi Michelle.

I can see what a dilemma this must be for you. What do your values tell you? How would you want to be treated? In the end, the amount of contact you have with him is a function of your boundaries, and only you know what is right or wrong for you.

I struggle with this all the time. It is so hard, when we have been in FOG and have forgotten or given up our sense of who we are, to know what are our values. Is that part of the healing work that you are doing for yourself - trying to find out what values you need to protect and honor, and how you feel when those values are not respected? My thoughts are that you may not need to go NC to accomplish that work, but the more distance that you have, the easier it will be for you to gain insight and perspective into yourself. I know that whenever I am away from my uBPDw on a work trip, I have that much needed space to sort out my feelings and give myself permission to grieve but also to see how I can better live my values. There is much talk of authenticity these days, being your authentic self, living an authentic life. Beyond the hyperbole, I think this is coming to mean to me, am I being true to my beliefs, to my innermost self?

Giving yourself the time and space to explore the map of your heart is good. If you feel strong in your understanding, then I think that extending yourself to stay in communication with your husband is okay. And rejoicing in the positive actions he has made (and particularly any positive results), regardless of his motivation, is not wrong. We are not independent beings, randomly colliding collections of atoms. We are built for interdependence and relation - most of us often never comprehending the sheer scope of interconnection that we actually have every day. In the end, you are writing the story of your life in every thought, word and deed. It's your choice. Just be kind to yourself on the journey. Wish I had more definitive answers, but I am on the journey too. 

[Michelle27]

Thank you.  You've given me some good thoughts to work through. :-)