5 month relationship story/caught BPD gf cheating last night

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey bpdfamily,

Been a long-time lurker here due to a 7 year relationship with a girl with BPD (from 17 to 24).  The relationship changed my life for the worse in many ways I feel, causing me a bit of sexual dysfunction as well as extremely low self esteem despite being a pretty desirable guy.  I spent 2 years recovering from that relationship to find myself recently again falling for a girl that shows all of the same signs - in some ways she's exactly like my ex.  The women I dated in between them never made me feel like I was crazy, like even when I was right I was wrong.  Early on I caught her googling something with BPD in the phrase and told myself I should have bailed then.  She didn't know I knew what BPD was, but when I saw it I asked her about it.  She said one of her exes said she had it but she doesn't think she does.  This was still early, when she was putting up a huge facade and I agreed that I thought she probably didn't have it.

Fast forward a month and we're dealing with some major mood swings on her part.  She's also unable to communicate at all - she can't tell me how she feels and when I tell her how I feel she just get angry.  I provide her well-written e-mails to outline my thoughts and even then she never gives a full coherent response.  Instead, she moves on to some distraction or seduces me and I decide it's not worth it to upset her.  I brought up BPD when it had become clearer she showed all of the signs, but this time she was much less open to talking about it (relationship started VERY open and very quickly closed up) and was offended that I even suggested it.

I quickly started feeling like I was walking on egg shells, always careful not to rub her the wrong way.  :)uring the 5 months we've been dating she was laid off from a good job and failed the BAR exam for the second time.  I tried my best to be supportive and there for her, but it felt like it was mostly in vain.  She'd appreciate and love me one minute and seem to hate me the next.  She'd talk about how none of her other friends were true friends and I was the only person that mattered in her life, then she'd flip and get mad that she isn't going out with her friends more.  I racked up over $1k in parking tickets (lived in Center City Philadelphia) always rushing to see her.  To bring her food, to sleep over, to stop by during lunch and encourage her while she was depressed on unemployment.  I helped her find a new job and encouraged her.  3 times I helped her quit smoking despite her always giving in behind my back and then getting upset at me for not being encouraging enough.  She finally did get a new job and it ended up being a few minutes away from where I've been working in Jersey and we'd been meeting up for lunch 3x a week.  I helped her move (did 90% of the work) from her apartment to a new one within a mile from mine.  She doesn't know how to parallel park, so I always met up and parked her car for her.  I slaved around her new house hanging pictures, putting things together, moving furniture, setting up cable, etc so that it could be perfect and she wouldn't stress.  I stopped caring for my own place, I stopped working out, I stopped dieting correctly, my work went down the ___ter and I was always sleep deprived because she'd want to be up all night.  

The sex was amazing for the first 2 months.  The best ever, and she said the same despite her experience with "well over" fifty men.  We'd go for hours, pass out and wake up and go at it again.  Then she seemed to lose interest in me.  I went from being a sex god to her to her making excuses to not have sex.  When I brought it up she'd get offended and refer to her childhood sexual issues.  She'd say she had a stomach ache but refuse to take stomach medicine.  She'd get angry at me when I wanted answers for why she went cold.  She'd say "I don't have to have sex with you if I don't want to".  Not much I could say to that.  It may be related but there was a point where I found out she was going through my phone when I wasn't paying attention.  I didn't have a password on it, but didn't think she'd been picking it up.  I had a relationship prior to meeting her that involved a woman that kept texting me.  She took the liberty to text her and ask her to stop texting her man, saying we'd been dating longer than we had, and at the same time tried to befriend her because they were both bisexual, referring to me as a "stupid boy".

Since she moved to my neighborhood things had been better.  I don't know if it's because she needed me or what, but it seemed like she was happier.  She liked her new place, we made the backyard really cool to hang out and the place was neat and cozy.  I slept over 5 nights a week since she moved.  Again, not taking care of my own place.  I'd go home just to catch a nap in the middle of the day being exhausted from sleep deprivation.  I personally struggle with gaming addiction and food addiction (I lost over 200lbs at one point when I had been over 400 from hitting rock bottom after my military time/prior BPD relationship) and picked those things back up the more I felt my life was out of control.  My finances took a hit, always trying to buy things to make her happy.  Just a week ago for no reason I spent $120 on a hammock for the backyard.  That same week for my birthday she bought me a $20 razor, but did pay for a thoughtful little cruise/buffet/drinks.  We started bike riding and talked about going to the gym (she's one of the lazier people I've met) and she seemed happy.

This last week was when things started to turn.  Through my struggles of dealing with my relationship with her and my own personal demons that had become out of control, I started to feel very insecure (when we started I was extremely secure with good self esteem).  I took a mental note of her phone PIN one time and picked it up later.  I wish I had more tact and control when I read things that anger me, but I don't.  I read messages she had sent to her best friend (also a lesbian she sleeps with periodically... .) bashing me and disrespecting me a couple of months prior.  I also saw communication with a guy that I had previously asked about due to constantly seeing his name on her phone texting that she assured me was just a college friend.  It was mostly him flirting with her and him reminiscing on a time they hooked up (prior to me she says) and her telling him that she isn't "ready for a relationship right now" (as she's dating me).  There is daily good mornings and good nights and flirting.  When I read these I sat her down and told her what I read.  She quickly tried to turn the conversation, but I made light of it and told her I wasn't going to fall for her curve balls right now.  I told her that it was disrespectful to me and our relationship to share things with her friend that are very personal and that it wasn't okay the way she was talking to the guy friend.  She beat around the bush for a while and it ended with a half apology and her saying she understood, while obviously angry that I confronted her at all.

Since then she hadn't wanted sex at all with me.  2 days is usually the longest gap between sex, but this time it was nearly a week and she kept complaining about things hurting, blah blah.  Obviously something was up and Saturday morning I ran over to her house, made her breakfast and asked if we're okay.  She had a dinner bday party that night with a friend.  We planned to get back together that night if it wasn't too late and left so she could hang with a friend and get ready/make cupcakes etc.  I went home and had a very productive afternoon, cleaning my apartment and coming to some realizations that I need to be stronger in the relationship - that I need to be more of a man and lead by example and not get emotional when she has her mood swings.  I almost text her apologizing that I haven't been better lately and that things are going to change, but didn't think she'd be happy getting that kind of text while she's out with friends so I held off and figured we'd have a chat tomorrow about it.  Around 9pm I get a text from a buddy who wants to meet for a drink.  I tell her I'm going out and to let me know when she's wrapping up so we can meet up.  She ignores that part and just says "okay I love you have fun".  I don't hear from her all night.  At 1am I text her and jokingly ask "Are you behaving?" she responds "Of course" "And... .are you serious?".  At 2 I text her that I'm on my way home and ask where she's at.  Radio silence.  I decide to go over to her house to be there when she got home or see if her phone had just died or something.  I only have a key to the front entry (apt building) and went in and went to her door.  It was about 230 and I hear our sex music blaring.  I put my ear to the door and through the music I hear moaning.  I lost my cool immediately and banged on the door (mistake - in hindsight I should have gone home and figured out what I'd do the next day).  The music turned off and I heard walking and whispering.  I knocked again, again nobody answered.  "I know you're in there, I can hear you."  Still, no response.  I stood by the door a good ten minutes, half drunk talking smack trying to get the guy to open the door so I could beat the piss out of him.  I'm a big guy, 6'2 230 with 5 years of active military duty and combative under my belt... .it would have been ugly had the door opened.  Instead they just kept ignoring me, more whispering.  Not much to my surprise, the police show up eventually at the front door.  I open the door for them and explain the situation, telling them I'd just like to get my ___ and leave.  He pats me on the shoulder and tells me to come back in the morning.  

I walked home furious.  I texted her "Hope it was worth it." of course, no response.  It's almost 7PM the day after and I still haven't heard a word from her.  I've gone by her apartment twice.  They left last night after I interrupted them and it looks like she came back to feed the cat, turn off the AC and leave again (I can tell from the backyard window, which is connected to the common area).  I'm struggling right now.  I feel like I felt with my first relationship.  I was extremely cautious going into this but once I let it in the floodgates were opened and I fell for this girl.  I loved her to the core, flaws and all.  I wanted to save her from herself, to make the world a manageable place instead of what it is for her.  Even still she doesn't accept she has BPD, she just blames her issues on other people and thinks she's "crazy".  She goes to a therpist that seems to not really know anything.  

So here I am again, broken, broke, and still just missing laying with my arms wrapped around her.  I don't know if she ever loved me, despite her saying it long before I was ready.  I've cried a handful of times in my adult life and today was one of those.  I don't know what to do, how to numb the pain and put the pieces back together.  I don't know what happens now.  I can't fathom how she's planning to deal with any of this - I just figure she isn't... .she's going to just forget us, our plans, our world and latch on to whoever this guy is now.  He won't be able to handle it long.  Hell, I've been dealing with BPD women most of my adult life and still constantly struggle.  He'll use her for sex then when the facade falls he'll leave her and she'll be back to square one.  I just don't see how she doesn't get it.  She's a smart girl - she should be begging me for mercy, I was her rock and she cast me aside like a pebble.  

The truly sad part is that despite all of this, despite what she's done and how she's treated me, I wished that I didn't find out.  That today had gone as planned and we had gone for our bike ride and had dinner together and that right now I was sitting across from her, holding her hand.  I know her and know that she can't really face this, so she won't.  She'll leave my stuff outside and probably never speak to me again, and if I push for answers and closure she will get a restraining order.

Please help me out here guys.

Thank you.

[ck86]

Hey bpdfamily,

Been a long-time lurker here due to a 7 year relationship with a girl with BPD (from 17 to 24).  The relationship changed my life for the worse in many ways I feel, causing me a bit of sexual dysfunction as well as extremely low self esteem despite being a pretty desirable guy.  I spent 2 years recovering from that relationship to find myself recently again falling for a girl that shows all of the same signs - in some ways she's exactly like my ex.  The women I dated in between them never made me feel like I was crazy, like even when I was right I was wrong.  Early on I caught her googling something with BPD in the phrase and told myself I should have bailed then.  She didn't know I knew what BPD was, but when I saw it I asked her about it.  She said one of her exes said she had it but she doesn't think she does.  This was still early, when she was putting up a huge facade and I agreed that I thought she probably didn't have it.

Fast forward a month and we're dealing with some major mood swings on her part.  She's also unable to communicate at all - she can't tell me how she feels and when I tell her how I feel she just get angry.  I provide her well-written e-mails to outline my thoughts and even then she never gives a full coherent response.  Instead, she moves on to some distraction or seduces me and I decide it's not worth it to upset her.  I brought up BPD when it had become clearer she showed all of the signs, but this time she was much less open to talking about it (relationship started VERY open and very quickly closed up) and was offended that I even suggested it.

I quickly started feeling like I was walking on egg shells, always careful not to rub her the wrong way.  :)uring the 5 months we've been dating she was laid off from a good job and failed the BAR exam for the second time.  I tried my best to be supportive and there for her, but it felt like it was mostly in vain.  She'd appreciate and love me one minute and seem to hate me the next.  She'd talk about how none of her other friends were true friends and I was the only person that mattered in her life, then she'd flip and get mad that she isn't going out with her friends more.  I racked up over $1k in parking tickets (lived in Center City Philadelphia) always rushing to see her.  To bring her food, to sleep over, to stop by during lunch and encourage her while she was depressed on unemployment.  I helped her find a new job and encouraged her.  3 times I helped her quit smoking despite her always giving in behind my back and then getting upset at me for not being encouraging enough.  She finally did get a new job and it ended up being a few minutes away from where I've been working in Jersey and we'd been meeting up for lunch 3x a week.  I helped her move (did 90% of the work) from her apartment to a new one within a mile from mine.  She doesn't know how to parallel park, so I always met up and parked her car for her.  I slaved around her new house hanging pictures, putting things together, moving furniture, setting up cable, etc so that it could be perfect and she wouldn't stress.  I stopped caring for my own place, I stopped working out, I stopped dieting correctly, my work went down the ___ter and I was always sleep deprived because she'd want to be up all night.  

The sex was amazing for the first 2 months.  The best ever, and she said the same despite her experience with "well over" fifty men.  We'd go for hours, pass out and wake up and go at it again.  Then she seemed to lose interest in me.  I went from being a sex god to her to her making excuses to not have sex.  When I brought it up she'd get offended and refer to her childhood sexual issues.  She'd say she had a stomach ache but refuse to take stomach medicine.  She'd get angry at me when I wanted answers for why she went cold.  She'd say "I don't have to have sex with you if I don't want to".  Not much I could say to that.  It may be related but there was a point where I found out she was going through my phone when I wasn't paying attention.  I didn't have a password on it, but didn't think she'd been picking it up.  I had a relationship prior to meeting her that involved a woman that kept texting me.  She took the liberty to text her and ask her to stop texting her man, saying we'd been dating longer than we had, and at the same time tried to befriend her because they were both bisexual, referring to me as a "stupid boy".

Since she moved to my neighborhood things had been better.  I don't know if it's because she needed me or what, but it seemed like she was happier.  She liked her new place, we made the backyard really cool to hang out and the place was neat and cozy.  I slept over 5 nights a week since she moved.  Again, not taking care of my own place.  I'd go home just to catch a nap in the middle of the day being exhausted from sleep deprivation.  I personally struggle with gaming addiction and food addiction (I lost over 200lbs at one point when I had been over 400 from hitting rock bottom after my military time/prior BPD relationship) and picked those things back up the more I felt my life was out of control.  My finances took a hit, always trying to buy things to make her happy.  Just a week ago for no reason I spent $120 on a hammock for the backyard.  That same week for my birthday she bought me a $20 razor, but did pay for a thoughtful little cruise/buffet/drinks.  We started bike riding and talked about going to the gym (she's one of the lazier people I've met) and she seemed happy.

This last week was when things started to turn.  Through my struggles of dealing with my relationship with her and my own personal demons that had become out of control, I started to feel very insecure (when we started I was extremely secure with good self esteem).  I took a mental note of her phone PIN one time and picked it up later.  I wish I had more tact and control when I read things that anger me, but I don't.  I read messages she had sent to her best friend (also a lesbian she sleeps with periodically... .) bashing me and disrespecting me a couple of months prior.  I also saw communication with a guy that I had previously asked about due to constantly seeing his name on her phone texting that she assured me was just a college friend.  It was mostly him flirting with her and him reminiscing on a time they hooked up (prior to me she says) and her telling him that she isn't "ready for a relationship right now" (as she's dating me).  There is daily good mornings and good nights and flirting.  When I read these I sat her down and told her what I read.  She quickly tried to turn the conversation, but I made light of it and told her I wasn't going to fall for her curve balls right now.  I told her that it was disrespectful to me and our relationship to share things with her friend that are very personal and that it wasn't okay the way she was talking to the guy friend.  She beat around the bush for a while and it ended with a half apology and her saying she understood, while obviously angry that I confronted her at all.

Since then she hadn't wanted sex at all with me.  2 days is usually the longest gap between sex, but this time it was nearly a week and she kept complaining about things hurting, blah blah.  Obviously something was up and Saturday morning I ran over to her house, made her breakfast and asked if we're okay.  She had a dinner bday party that night with a friend.  We planned to get back together that night if it wasn't too late and left so she could hang with a friend and get ready/make cupcakes etc.  I went home and had a very productive afternoon, cleaning my apartment and coming to some realizations that I need to be stronger in the relationship - that I need to be more of a man and lead by example and not get emotional when she has her mood swings.  I almost text her apologizing that I haven't been better lately and that things are going to change, but didn't think she'd be happy getting that kind of text while she's out with friends so I held off and figured we'd have a chat tomorrow about it.  Around 9pm I get a text from a buddy who wants to meet for a drink.  I tell her I'm going out and to let me know when she's wrapping up so we can meet up.  She ignores that part and just says "okay I love you have fun".  I don't hear from her all night.  At 1am I text her and jokingly ask "Are you behaving?" she responds "Of course" "And... .are you serious?".  At 2 I text her that I'm on my way home and ask where she's at.  Radio silence.  I decide to go over to her house to be there when she got home or see if her phone had just died or something.  I only have a key to the front entry (apt building) and went in and went to her door.  It was about 230 and I hear our sex music blaring.  I put my ear to the door and through the music I hear moaning.  I lost my cool immediately and banged on the door (mistake - in hindsight I should have gone home and figured out what I'd do the next day).  The music turned off and I heard walking and whispering.  I knocked again, again nobody answered.  "I know you're in there, I can hear you."  Still, no response.  I stood by the door a good ten minutes, half drunk talking smack trying to get the guy to open the door so I could beat the piss out of him.  I'm a big guy, 6'2 230 with 5 years of active military duty and combative under my belt... .it would have been ugly had the door opened.  Instead they just kept ignoring me, more whispering.  Not much to my surprise, the police show up eventually at the front door.  I open the door for them and explain the situation, telling them I'd just like to get my ___ and leave.  He pats me on the shoulder and tells me to come back in the morning.  

I walked home furious.  I texted her "Hope it was worth it." of course, no response.  It's almost 7PM the day after and I still haven't heard a word from her.  I've gone by her apartment twice.  They left last night after I interrupted them and it looks like she came back to feed the cat, turn off the AC and leave again (I can tell from the backyard window, which is connected to the common area).  I'm struggling right now.  I feel like I felt with my first relationship.  I was extremely cautious going into this but once I let it in the floodgates were opened and I fell for this girl.  I loved her to the core, flaws and all.  I wanted to save her from herself, to make the world a manageable place instead of what it is for her.  Even still she doesn't accept she has BPD, she just blames her issues on other people and thinks she's "crazy".  She goes to a therpist that seems to not really know anything.  

So here I am again, broken, broke, and still just missing laying with my arms wrapped around her.  I don't know if she ever loved me, despite her saying it long before I was ready.  I've cried a handful of times in my adult life and today was one of those.  I don't know what to do, how to numb the pain and put the pieces back together.  I don't know what happens now.  I can't fathom how she's planning to deal with any of this - I just figure she isn't... .she's going to just forget us, our plans, our world and latch on to whoever this guy is now.  He won't be able to handle it long.  Hell, I've been dealing with BPD women most of my adult life and still constantly struggle.  He'll use her for sex then when the facade falls he'll leave her and she'll be back to square one.  I just don't see how she doesn't get it.  She's a smart girl - she should be begging me for mercy, I was her rock and she cast me aside like a pebble.  

The truly sad part is that despite all of this, despite what she's done and how she's treated me, I wished that I didn't find out.  That today had gone as planned and we had gone for our bike ride and had dinner together and that right now I was sitting across from her, holding her hand.  I know her and know that she can't really face this, so she won't.  She'll leave my stuff outside and probably never speak to me again, and if I push for answers and closure she will get a restraining order.

Please help me out here guys.

Thank you.

[ck86]

I looked back at my old posts.  This is almost exactly 2 years from when I left my initial long-term BPD relationship. 

Funny how these things ebb and flow. 

[EaglesJuju]

Hi ck86, 

Welcome back.

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult situation.   I can imagine how painful it must be to cope with infidelity from your pwBPD.  It really hurts when our trust is violated.  I understand how you could be struggling with all of this and feeling broken, broken, and missing her.

You mentioned how you were wondering how she was going to handle this. I think the real question is how are you going to handle this?  If she were to reach out and speak to you, would the infidelity be something that you could cope with or would it be a deal breaker?

[ck86]

She finally ended up responding late last night pretty much saying she's sorry, that I'll never trust her again, that she doesn't deserve to be loved yadda yadda.  Kept saying I deserve better than her, didn't deserve what she did etc.  Then she went into how we aren't good for each other, turning it around on me because I haven't been going to therapy like she has (which seems to be really working... .).

She projected feeling "unsafe in her own house" and being scared of me because of my reaction when I caught her (heard them having sex from behind the front door)... .  I asked what she would do in my shoes and felt that honestly I didn't over react much.  Banging on the door and talking a little crap wasn't much compared to what I wanted to do after the roller coaster this woman had already put me on as well as how much I had been there for her.  Much more drastic things crossed my mind but I kept pretty calm and collected in my opinion despite being fairly intoxicated.

It also turns out she was in her house all day laying in bed and ignoring my texts/attempts to come by her place to get my things.  She claimed she was scared I was going to hurt her when I came by and that I was "stalking" her.  This is the same girl that the last 2 months begged me to sleep over every night so that she could feel safe.  The same girl that meets a guy in the bar, takes him home and has sex with him while so inebriated that she hardly remembers what happened the next day.  There's nothing I've done during our time together that would be considered violent toward her, despite her getting me in very heightened emotional states quite a few times. 

The guy she was with was a random guy from a bar that she met while she was drinking.  She blamed bringing him home on her insecurity and her feelings that she never makes me happy and that she wanted to make someone happy.  She said that he called the police and that she never would have and wanted to let me in but they were both scared.

Last night when she was texting me I kind of lost my cool while driving.  At a stoplight I was getting her texts saying she was sorry and punched my windshield.  I didn't think it was very hard, but it ended up breaking the driver's side which means I am now unable to drive it while I wait for repair.  Not having of many options, I asked her for a ride to work this morning. 

When I came over this morning she just looked at me and didn't really say anything.  I sat on the couch and watched the morning news while she put on her makeup like usual.  Eventually she got up and we hugged and both cried a little.  Still, she didn't really say anything.  We laid down on the couch and I rubbed her back and she fell asleep for a few minutes.  I told her I love her (I do) and she said it back.  I apologized for scaring her and told her that she doesn't need to worry about me coming around anymore - again nothing. 

We went to work without much being said.  She kissed me when she dropped me off.  I can't tell what she's thinking or feeling.  I asked if tonight I could come by and get my stuff after she goes to therapy.  She said OK. 

I don't know what my deal is but I want to pretend nothing happened.  I want to go back to how it was, meeting each other for lunches and having dinner after work and laying on the couch rubbing her back.  I want to understand why she did it, why she's who she is, but I know it's going to be a losing battle.  I know the best thing I can do is detach completely and find someone who treats me right, who is honest and can communicate and have a functional relationship. 

I'm pretty sure she's checking out.  I don't think she can handle the reality of what she's done and how wrong and crappy of her it was.  How bad of a person she is to cheat and lie to the "nicest boyfriend she's ever had".  She wants her freedom back.  She wants to hang out with her crappy friends again, the same ones who cheat on their husbands and get drunk and party all night.  The same people she told me weren't real friends and that she didn't really like when we had met.  She blames me and our relationship for her lack of a social life, she blames me for feeling unhappy because I'm "always unhappy" (untrue).  She thinks she just needs to work on herself by herself and not have anyone close.  Maybe she's right - but I don't know who is going to be there for her when she needed someone the way she needed me.  Most likely the current f-buddy who doesn't know what he's dealing with and will use her then bail when her true colors come through.

I feel bad for her, for her future and worry about her safety with the terribly dangerous decisions she makes and situations she puts herself in to feel loved. 

I'm worried about myself - the fact that I am still loving this girl despite the major disrespect and lack of concern she showed for me.  I should have grabbed my things and completely disappeared and I know deep down that is what I have to do.  I'm fighting myself, the part of me that wants to just feel close to her again versus the side that knows there's better women for me everywhere.  It feels like her treating me badly makes me want her even more, which is something that has developed over time.  Had something like this happened in the first or second month, back when I had my sanity, dignity and self esteem, I would have been done in a second.  But now I struggle, feeling a deep pain and draw to her. 

Right now the plan is to get my things tonight.  Part of me wants to take her out for one last dinner, get a little intoxicated and push for one last night in bed together and pretend that the walls haven't come crashing down around us.  Then tomorrow just cut off the festering limb and slowly but surely move on with my life.  I have a handful of women that I had been in casual relationships with before I met her and getting back in touch with them will likely help ease the transition.  Thinking about her and what she's doing just around the corner from me will haunt me for a while, but once I get my confidence and life back in order I know that I will be happy again and see her for who she really is - similar to my ex who no longer means anything to me. 

It's funny - early on I knew I was playing with fire.  I almost bailed multiple times when it would have been easy.  I knew it was going to slowly kill me, but it seemed like she was constantly dealing with major crisis and that bailing on her would have been a crappy thing to do.  But that's how BPD sufferers are, constantly in crisis. 

Let me know what you guys think.

Thanks.

[Aussie0zborn]

Thank you for the invitation to let you know what I think.

Kept saying I deserve better than her, didn't deserve what she did etc.  Then she went into how we aren't good for each other... .)

She is telling you straight. I've heard this too and it's probably the only 100% truthful thing she ever said to me. And maybe it's the most truthful and responsible thing she has ever said to you, however rather than taking their advice we want to stay and "help" them or "fix" them. We are not qualified to do either and this is in reality a stunt to get us to put our hero costume on. You have been through this before so you know how it goes.

She projected feeling "unsafe in her own house" and being scared of me because of my reaction when I caught her (heard them having sex from behind the front door)... .

-----

 She claimed she was scared I was going to hurt her when I came by and that I was "stalking" her.  This is the same girl that the last 2 months begged me to sleep over every night so that she could feel safe.  

Yes, and with this they can go to the police and you can easily find yourself in court but instead we want to stay and make them feel "safe" as we have always done. And when they're done with us, guess what? We find ourselves in court because they are "scared" of us while we were just making them feel "safe".

There's nothing I've done during our time together that would be considered violent toward her, despite her getting me in very heightened emotional states quite a few times.

Well those few times are the few times that she will distort and tell the court how violent you were towards her. Cause them any fear, say the wrong thing and it gets blown up to massive proportions.  

She blamed bringing him home on her insecurity and her feelings that she never makes me happy and that she wanted to make someone happy.  She said that he called the police and that she never would have and wanted to let me in but they were both scared.

See - its all YOUR fault. They will never take responsibility for their actions. She will never admit this in court when she has you on a restraining order, you know that - don't you?

... .(I) punched my windshield.  I didn't think it was very hard, but it ended up breaking the driver's side which means I am now unable to drive it while I wait for repair.  Not having of many options, I asked her for a ride to work this morning.  

She will use this as an example of your bad and violent temper. She does the damage to you and so you do some damage to yourself (and your pocket). Good one, Einstein! There is always an option... .call a cab or use Uber - its cheaper than a cab and it wont look like you're making excuses.

I told her I love her (I do) and she said it back.  I apologized for scaring her and told her that she doesn't need to worry about me coming around anymore - again nothing.  

You apologised? Your reaction was quite normal under the circumstances. She put you in a situation that tests your self control, plays on your emotions and you could have gone to jail that night and yet you... .apologise to her? I would say she owes you a real apology. (the apology she gave you is actually blaming you and absolving her of any wrongdoing and if you accept it, you are accepting the blame for her actions).

I don't know what my deal is but I want to pretend nothing happened.  I want to go back to how it was, meeting each other for lunches and having dinner after work and laying on the couch rubbing her back.

I did the same thing. But it did happen and I let it go. In the end, she tried to get a thug boyfriend to come over in the middle of the night and bash me except that I am pretty fast on my feet and ran as fast as I could. She since tried to put me in jail. The police just ignore her now so she has just launched new court action to get a restraining order against me - again. That time I raised my voice and didn't accept her lying excuse? Well guess what... .that was "abuse". She has multiplied that by 1 million and described it like she thought I was going to kill her that day and she supposedly wet her pants from fright.

I want to understand why she did it, why she's who she is, but I know it's going to be a losing battle.  I know the best thing I can do is detach completely and find someone who treats me right, who is honest and can communicate and have a functional relationship.  

Correct on all counts.

I'm pretty sure she's checking out.  I don't think she can handle the reality of what she's done and how wrong and crappy of her it was.  How bad of a person she is to cheat and lie to the "nicest boyfriend she's ever had".  She wants her freedom back.  She wants to hang out with her crappy friends again, the same ones who cheat on their husbands and get drunk and party all night... . She blames me and our relationship for her lack of a social life, she blames me for feeling unhappy because I'm "always unhappy" (untrue).  She thinks she just needs to work on herself by herself and not have anyone close.

Sounds exactly like my ex. You THINK she can't handle the reality of what she's done? May I suggest that she doesn't like what YOU have done? As in, she doesn't like how you VIOLATED her by going to her apartment and ruining a good night with a new F-buddy as you call him? She doesn't want her "freedom back" - she just doesn't want to be reminded of how she has failed again.

I don't know who is going to be there for her when she needed someone the way she needed me.  Most likely the current f-buddy who doesn't know what he's dealing with and will use her then bail when her true colors come through.

You really think he will bail on her? Like you did? Like you should? Don't kid yourself - he could be more of a sucker than you are and stick around for a lot longer.

I feel bad for her, for her future and worry about her safety with the terribly dangerous decisions she makes and situations she puts herself in to feel loved.

Not your problem and you can't fix it. You know that in some countries you can get a good salary for looking after someone so needy? If you do this you will not just not get a salary but you will not even get a genuine "thanks" for it. Every time she has thanked you for doing exactly this has been her expressing her disbelief that you accept it and continue to stay. And the more you accept it the more abuse you will get.

It feels like her treating me badly makes me want her even more, which is something that has developed over time.  Had something like this happened in the first or second month, back when I had my sanity, dignity and self esteem, I would have been done in a second.  But now I struggle, feeling a deep pain and draw to her.

I'm sorry you feel this profound pain. I've been there and so have many many other people here. It really sucks, doesn't it? Time heals all - but we have to make the effort. As you say, her treating you badly makes you want to stay. This is not right - there is something wrong with this line of thinking - something very wrong. You might consider professional help as this is one of the big hurdles to get over and shows how badly damaged you are. If you stay, the damage becomes worse, not better. Act now while you are acutely aware of the effects she has had on you.

Right now the plan is to get my things tonight.  Part of me wants to take her out for one last dinner, get a little intoxicated and push for one last night in bed together and pretend that the walls haven't come crashing down around us.  Then tomorrow just cut off the festering limb and slowly but surely move on with my life.  I have a handful of women that I had been in casual relationships with before I met her and getting back in touch with them will likely help ease the transition.  

Great plan - not. Get your things while you can but take a friend so you don't stay the night.

That will be the most expensive sex you have ever had. I know that kind of sex - it's seriously not worth it. Is it really fair to take advantage of someone with a mental illness? She might make you pay a heavy price for this.

The walls HAVE come crashing down around you - wake up and smell the roses.

Why not cut off that festering limb today? "Tomorrow" is usually too late.

Getting back in touch with casual past lovers might occupy your time but I cant see much benefit, If that works for you then so be it.

... .once I get my confidence and life back in order I know that I will be happy again and see her for who she really is - similar to my ex who no longer means anything to me.  

You have already seen her for who she really is. Now you need to cut off that festering limb and get your life back in order.

I knew it was going to slowly kill me, but it seemed like she was constantly dealing with major crisis and that bailing on her would have been a crappy thing to do.  But that's how BPD sufferers are, constantly in crisis.

Bailing on her is not really that crappy if you didn't cause  her condition. You cant fix something you didn't do.

So, that's what I think. I hope you can make a clean break and bounce back. Good luck in your recovery.

[ck86]

An update... .

I went over Monday night to get my things after texting all day. She's back and forth with me. One minute she's apologizing, saying she doesn't deserve me and love and the next she's being defensive about it all. I've been telling her not to be beat herself up about it, that I understand she was feeling bad about herself and the last thing I want is for her to go back down a self destructive path. While I was at her house we sat on the couch together, she laid her head on me and cried for a while. This whole thing has left me beside myself, feeling broken. Usually I can keep my composure but I've been a total mess, unable to eat, sleep, or function normally. I know that with time it will get easier.

I signed up with a therapist yesterday to work through some of my issues. He also specializes in relationship counseling, specifically infidelity. I was feeling hopeful after speaking with him last night, just to wake up feeling that horrible pit in my stomach again. Her and I spoke on the phone for a little bit after I talked to him and I mentioned we could possibly do some couples counseling to fix our communication problem, saying that seemed to be where most of our issues lie. She agreed it may be a good idea, but didn't say she would or wouldn't. It feels like she's completely indecisive about the entire situation. Out of frustration yesterday I said "You're ignoring every real question. You just keep saying you're confused. Answer me one question directly... .Are you giving up on us, yes or no?" her response was "No. I need time".

So last night I told her I would give her the space she needs, the time. Unfortunately with my car out of commission I've needed her help getting to work and back. She drove me this morning, but there was no real talk of anything significant. Music turned up and her singing along to the songs, pretending everything was okay. Her typical getting short with me for "mumbling" because she couldn't hear me over the music and window rolled down.

The way she's acting is driving me nuts. I know she's talking to other people, getting their two cents on the situation. I assume she's losing more and more respect for me as I push for some kind of understanding of the whole thing. It seems she's forgotten that just a month ago she was fighting to keep me, couldn't live without me. Yesterday morning she said "there's better people out there for each of us" "we weren't happy" etc, which is not what she acted like before this whole thing. The more she pushes away, the more I try to bring her close and have her back. I feel completely out of control. I feel like if I just completely fall off that she'll think I'm abandoning us and turn her attention elsewhere to feel better, but maybe I'm just self sabotaging.

I told her I'd give her space and stop pressing. That I had no expectations. But seeing her this morning made me crash again internally. The way she can just avoid it all, not care and I look like the weak, pathetic loser. This same thing happened with my ex, but as soon as I moved on she came crawling back, but then it was too late for me to turn back and give her another chance.

I'm hoping to get some advice here, some technique or tactic I can use that will be effective with her. Clearly this isn't working. I'm wishing I had just gone silent after the whole thing now, I feel like if I had she may be approaching this entire thing differently.

Thanks... .

[Aussie0zborn]

The technique or tactic you are searching for is... .

NO CONTACT

And "no" means "no" as in none.

Good move in booking in with a therapist. Good luck

[ck86]

The technique or tactic you are searching for is... .

NO CONTACT

And "no" means "no" as in none.

Good move in booking in with a therapist. Good luck

Aussie,

You're right on all points. I know better than to be doing this. My self control is completely shot, reminiscing on what we had even though when things were "secure" I always felt like I needed to bail to regain my sanity. Every time we'd go through a less extreme fight she'd do this same thing - disappear, turn on me and I'd push to have her back. The longest I've gone is a little over 24hrs no contact and after that she was begging for me back, fabricating issues so I'd come save her.

After everything she's being a complete b___ to me. Giving me attitude like I deserved any of this. It's insanity at its' finest and I'm a willing participant. My codependency has reached full throttle. You'd think after dealing with almost the exact same thing in the past that I'd be able to handle it better, but I'm not. The desire to have her in my arms again is overriding every other feeling and thought.

She's offered to give me a ride home after work. I was going to stop by Home Depot and get a replacement bamboo fence for the one I destroyed when I caught her. Trying to just fix it all.

We didn't have sex the night I went over to grab my belongings, but being weak and thinking "one more time" would save my dignity and remind her of what she's losing I did try. She has major sexual issues in addition to her BPD, being molested for most of her childhood. She went cold when I even brought it up, acting like I was trying to rape her or something. It's so ___ed up words can't describe.

I need to run, disappear. None of my usual escapes are working, none of them can pull my attention away. If I drink I know I'll lose my cool.

This is so messed up.

[ck86]

The technique or tactic you are searching for is... .

NO CONTACT

And "no" means "no" as in none.

Good move in booking in with a therapist. Good luck

You're right.

I need to handle this like a man and keep what little dignity and self respect I have left. 

The sooner I stop talking to and seeing her the sooner I'll be healthy again and in a normal, positive relationship.

She's picking me up after work, we're going to the grocery store since neither of us have had food or been eating for the past few days.  I'm going to keep my cool, act completely normal, not bring up any serious conversation and when she drops me off tonight she won't be hearing from me again.

Thanks for the advice.


I'll update this post with my status in a week.

[EaglesJuju]

I think how you should be handing this situation is reliant on your own boundaries and limitations.

Do you think that the relationship can be repaired?  If so what boundaries and expectations are needed to make that happen?

Take some time to think about what you want.  I found that making decisions are easier when both your emotions and rationality are balanced.

[ck86]

I think how you should be handing this situation is reliant on your own boundaries and limitations.

Do you think that the relationship can be repaired?  If so what boundaries and expectations are needed to make that happen?

Take some time to think about what you want.  I found that making decisions are easier when both your emotions and rationality are balanced.

Thanks Eagles.

I agree with you.  I really need to take a step back and re-assess what all has happened here, how it happened, why it happened and what it is I want.

We both need time completely apart to let it all sink it and regain our composure of the situation.  All of my poking and prodding, looking for re-assurance or some magical remedy from her to take the pain away doesn't exist.  Thinking she's going to go out this weekend and bring home another random shouldn't be crossing my mind.  I should be thinking about myself, my goals, my next step. 

My therapy appointment was bumped up to Friday morning thankfully, and I really hope to gain some clarity from that.  If her and I re-enter any kind of relationship I'll require us to go through at least a couple of sessions to get the communication out and have a third party rather than me sitting her down attempting to pull her thoughts out of her while she clams up and gets defensive. 

I still care for her, but anything other than no contact will let her think what she did is okay and the same would be likely repeated in the future.  Though, I have a feeling when the dust settles and my co-dependency fades I'll be left with little care for repairing what was a mostly toxic relationship with a person that disrespected, used, and cared little for me and my well being.

[WROOFUS]

Hey there! I read your story today. I'm so sorry that you had to go through something like this! Nobody deserves to have this happen to them. How are you doing now? Hope things have improved.

[borderdude]

Yes NC is important , I did not keep that completely in my case. The reason , she did many strange mental sick things with her new bf, and this helped med to NOT paint a idealized false picture of her.


Example: The bf broke up with her(usually once a week). One week after she borrowed money and bough engagement rings ,she sucked him in and arranged an engagement! She thought that was the solution , not her illness.

How can you not get skeptic?