I will kill you statement, second time in a month

[byfaith]

well the first time was the first week of May. We were at my mother in laws and she whispered to me "if you don't take up for me this weekend I will kill you" pretty creepy…joking? she said she was when I told her a day later that really bothered me. She said she could understand why it was creepy the way she said it.

A few days ago I came home from a long day at work… she was on the phone with her mom. She is having issues with her mom. She can't get her mom to validate some feelings she has about the way her mom makes her feel over certain things. The conversation with her mom escalates because the more her mom doesn't "get it" the more my wife gets angry at her mother. She hangs up on her mom and begins to have a melt down. I try to give her some advice on what to do. My voice had gone a couple of octaves higher than it should have so yes I was raising my voice but not out of anger, I guess I was just up tight. Anyway my wife then begins on me how irresponsible I am with her emotions. Anyway it comes to the point where I am standing up in the living room at least 3 feet away from her and a coffee table separating us. I ended up yelling at her (mistake). I didn't cuss. I think I just told her to shut her mouth.

Well at that point her son and and another visitor were sitting out on the deck and it pissed her off that I raised my voice at her and she said "If you EVER do that to me again I will KILL YOU" at that point I walked out of the room thinking I need to leave for the night or just leave and not come back period. I came back in the room and said I think I am leaving, you threatened to kill me. She said what are you going to do? call the police, I said no. She was like well, you where just waiting for an excuse to leave. She told me if I left I would be sorry.

I came back and asked her if she would accept an apology for raising my voice and yelling at her, she said yes. So situation diffused. I asked her if she was sorry for saying she was going to kill me and she said no. She said because of the way I made her feel she felt justified saying that.

Things are "ok" right now. I worry if I blow this off it will end up turning into something bad. The look on her face had pure hate on it when she said it.

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[byfaith]

I did let her know that I understood that my voice raising was not good. The yelling was just me having a burst of anger (lost my temper). I validated some of her feelings.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello, byfaith!

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I know it hurts a lot when the ones we love lash out like that. It can be very scary, too. I do not know your wife, so it's hard for me to say whether or not she 'means it', but I will tell you that my dBPDh used to say things like that when he was dysregulating, too.

pwBPD don't express themselves very well and tend to have temper tantrums. Most likely, she's saying it to hurt you because of how bad she feels. My H will accuse me of 'looking for a way out' when he's upset and feeling vulnerable.

Over the past year we have worked on our communication using the tools here... .and he no longer says that sort of stuff to me as much as he used to. When he does, I tell him I will not tolerate him being rude and mean to me. If he wants to talk, that's absolutely fine and I will listen to what he has to say. If not, I will leave for 15 minutes, and if he feels like talking when I get back, we can talk. So far, I have never had to leave. He changes his tone and language.

[enlighten me]

Two things jump out. Firstly both times were during or just after interacting with her mum. Was she projecting anger at her mum towards you?

Secondly when dysregulated I believe they mean what they say. My exgf once threatened to have a couple of her friends beat me up. I honestlly believe at the time she meant it. This to me is worrying especially with death threats involved. It doesnt take much for her to pick up a knife. How safe do you feel?

[byfaith]

I think she projects on me a lot. At that moment I believe she meant it. Some people can snap. Do I feel safe? I think I need to discuss this again with her and let her know how it feels to me. Do I expect an apology, no. I don't really want one for myself. I guess what bothers me is that she say's she is a christian and that after the fact she can't stand back and say "that was very inappropriate for me to say to someone I love". She judges people very harshly over things that they do  especially if they claim to be a christian.

She has explained to me many things in her past about verbal abuse and physical abuse by male family members, ex husbands etc. Can I understand the feeling it created in her? to a point.

[byfaith]

I am not looking for a way out….but sometimes it feels like getting out would be a great relief.

[ColdEthyl]

@byfaith we have all felt that at some point I'm sure Have you tried any of the lessons on here to help reduce that kind of scenario? Has it worked for you?

[Ceruleanblue]

I think it was wrong of her to say, of course, but if she's BPD, and impulsive, and the possible fact that she  knows it's something she'd never do, to her it isn't as big a deal as it is to you. My guess it's just that. It's not okay though, and she should at least be sorry after, and not justify, but with BPD, that is a rare thing.

Maybe have a talk with her when she'd calm, and set a boundary around it? YOU have the right to feel safe, and her saying that I'm sure makes you feel less than safe, not to mention less than loved(at least in that instant).

I've learned that people with BPD will say or do the craziest things and justify them. It's easier for me to understand that, then it is for me to understand the lack of apology later, but I live with that too. It's hard for BPDh to apologize. I think to him it's like saying it was ALL his fault. It's that black/white, all or nothing thinking... .

[Surg_Bear]

I am not looking for a way out….but sometimes it feels like getting out would be a great relief.

She's telling you in no uncertain terms that she has a way for you to get out.

Do you believe her when / if she were to say "I love you?"

What's the difference?

Are people with BPD subject to episodes of dissociation and EXTREME emotional outbursts?

Has there ever been murder of a man that was committed by that man's wife?

Has any man had his genitalia mutilated by his wife because of a real, or imagined infidelity?

Dude, this woman is warning you that she will not hesitate to take you out.

YOU ARE NOT SAFE.

YOUR LIFE IS IN JEOPARDY.

Emotionally mature human beings do not speak this way to each other. People who have promised to honor and cherish; to have and to hold - they do not speak this way to each other. Mentally unstable, and visciously ruthless people get caught up in the " 'til death do us part" piece of marriage vows.

It's probably nothing... .Just a phrase of speech - one overly used and never really taken on face value... .  Except when spoken by people within the world of crazy (psychotics) and especially the ones who live on the border of crazy.  The ones who live on the border of crazy- these are the ones who GET AWAY WITH MURDERING THEIR SPOUSE.  They can switch the battered / abused card to make it appear they are the victims. They can turn on the water works and really play a convincing rue of grief and loss.

Please, be very careful and take every threat she speaks to be true until proven otherwise.  If you don't, you are giving her license, and permission to speak as if innocent, until proven guilty.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[Panda39]

I don't want to downplay a threat (you know her best) but is it possible she said it the second time because she got a reaction from you the first time?

Maybe have a talk with her when she'd calm, and set a boundary around it? YOU have the right to feel safe, and her saying that I'm sure makes you feel less than safe, not to mention less than loved(at least in that instant).

I agree you need to set a boundary around this type behavior and if she says it again it could be your cue to take a walk/a break from your discussion.  If you truly feel threatened then you might want to develop a safety plan (just in case).

[babyducks]

hi byfaith,

I have a different point of view.  here are my thoughts.

Anyway my wife then begins on me how irresponsible I am with her emotions.

Just because your wife thinks you are responsible for her emotions I hope YOU understand SHE is responsible for her emotions.  She had options here too.  She could have left the room, could have left the house.  Could have stopped the argument in other ways.

... .I raised my voice at her and she said "If you EVER do that to me again I will KILL YOU" at that point I walked out of the room thinking I need to leave for the night or just leave and not come back period.

To me this is a threat byfaith.  And a threat is never acceptable.   I think your first reaction was the better choice, leaving for the night.

I came back in the room and said I think I am leaving, you threatened to kill me. She said what are you going to do? call the police, I said no. She was like well, you where just waiting for an excuse to leave.

by telling her you were going to leave and then not doing it, you created a fuzzy boundary.   so there was no real consequences for her behavior. 

She told me if I left I would be sorry.

To me this sounds like another threat.

I came back and asked her if she would accept an apology for raising my voice and yelling at her, she said yes. So situation diffused. I asked her if she was sorry for saying she was going to kill me and she said no. She said because of the way I made her feel she felt justified saying that.

so if I understand this correctly she walked away thinking it was perfectly okay to threaten you, twice, and you ended up apologizing to keep the peace at any price?

rather than speculate about what was going on with her during this outburst I wonder what was going with you and your feelings?   did you feel safe?  hurt?  insulted?   wounded?

I would suggest after you have identified your feelings perhaps putting some boundaries around this type of argument.   I think that now that your wife has identified this as a method to get what she wants, your compliance, she will return to the pattern, in one form or another.   

how are you with boundaries byfaith?    do you understand how to identify and enforce a boundary?

I would encourage you to look hard at this type of behavior and not excuse it for any reason.   While mental illness and past abuse can help us understand what shapes behavior it does not justify it.

'ducks