Advice on getting over the addiction

[Loosestrife]

Hi

I keep recycling. I think it's because my pwBPD is getting help and is actually taking responsibility for her negative behaviours. My heart wants things to work out, but my head knows I can't sign up to being someone's caretaker for life as I know BPD isn't really curable and there is too much water under the bridge in terms of past abuse. I accept I have an addiction to my pwBPD, but I can't detach my bond/love is too strong. If there was a version of AA for non-BPDs I would sign up tomorrow. I can't even go NC for a day. Can anyone relate to this?

Thanks

[fromheeltoheal]

You continue to do it because you get something out of it, your needs are being met on some level.  If you've decided it won't work and you don't want to be with her, it's best to dig and find out what that something you get out of it is, what needs are being met, and then find other ways to meet them.  The way to beat any addiction is not to fight it, but to create something new that meets the same needs on a higher level.

What might those needs be?

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry this is causing you so much pain.  I think maybe the first thing to do is to look for a therapist for yourself - someone who can help you to work through whatever is at the root of all this.  There does sound like there may be some degree of compulsion at work, and it would be good to examine that.  Many of us here had a reason we formed such a loaded bond with our partner - and it's usually because they were soothing something inside of us, just as we were soothing something inside of them.  If this is the case with you, healing will require getting at that core wound and addressing it.  This is something that a therapist could really help you with doing.  I would try and set aside your frustrations and guilt about not being able to stop returning to the relationship for now.  It's ok to recognize that there may be an addictive element at work.  That's not your fault.  It's a product of the deep and incredibly painful wound you are carrying.  It will take some time to work through that, but you absolutely can heal from it.  Is there any way you could look for a therapist?

[Loosestrife]

You continue to do it because you get something out of it, your needs are being met on some level.  If you've decided it won't work and you don't want to be with her, it's best to dig and find out what that something you get out of it is, what needs are being met, and then find other ways to meet them.  The way to beat any addiction is not to fight it, but to create something new that meets the same needs on a higher level.

What might those needs be?

Affection and love - although it's hard to tell a replace that with general friendship pool.

[Loosestrife]

I'm sorry this is causing you so much pain.  I think maybe the first thing to do is to look for a therapist for yourself - someone who can help you to work through whatever is at the root of all this.  There does sound like there may be some degree of compulsion at work, and it would be good to examine that.  Many of us here had a reason we formed such a loaded bond with our partner - and it's usually because they were soothing something inside of us, just as we were soothing something inside of them.  If this is the case with you, healing will require getting at that core wound and addressing it.  This is something that a therapist could really help you with doing.  I would try and set aside your frustrations and guilt about not being able to stop returning to the relationship for now.  It's ok to recognize that there may be an addictive element at work.  That's not your fault.  It's a product of the deep and incredibly painful wound you are carrying.  It will take some time to work through that, but you absolutely can heal from it.  Is there any way you could look for a therapist?

I am seeing one at the moment. He just says I will leave when I am ready to

[Sunfl0wer]

I am seeing one at the moment.  He just says I will leave when I am ready to

While not stated directly, I believe this was the thought of my T as well.

At first, I really was discouraged, I thought my indecisiveness reflected poorly on myself, I felt that I should have made a decision and committed to it.

The therapist, on the other hand, continued to tell me to:"observe what is happening, see how things unfold."

Approaching things this way was surprisingly helpful for me. It allowed me to process and view things from a different angle, while being partly attached/partly not attached.

[Loosestrife]

I am seeing one at the moment.  He just says I will leave when I am ready to

While not stated directly, I believe this was the thought of my T as well.

At first, I really was discouraged, I thought my indecisiveness reflected poorly on myself, I felt that I should have made a decision and committed to it.

The therapist, on the other hand, continued to tell me to:"observe what is happening, see how things unfold."

Approaching things this way was surprisingly helpful for me. It allowed me to process and view things from a different angle, while being partly attached/partly not attached.

Thanks. How long did you give it and what did you end up realising/doing? I can relate to the indecisiveness.

[sweetheart]

Hi L,

Not being able to leave is ok, try not to be too hard on your indecisiveness

What I will say is that pwBPD in my experience seem to connect to us at a very deep emotional level, but the attachment is complex in that it potentially connects to unresolved bits of ourselves.

For me and my dBPDh relationship it took me a number of years to realise that I was reenacting the dysfunctional relationship between my parents. My father was an alcoholic and my mother enabled, controlled and disempowered my father. I was five years into my marriage before I realised what I was doing. I spent years in therapy before I met my husband and still I was blindsided by how I felt with him.

Once I realised what was happening in the relationship I set about changing myself and addressing the issues above. It has been v hard though.

Maybe spend time with your T exploring your FOO and past relationships and see if that gives you a different perspective.

My past and FOO were littered with dysfunctional relationships, until I decided I didn't want to contribute to that dysfunction I perpetuated my FOO pattern.

[Loosestrife]

What's FOO stand for?

[Aussie0zborn]

FOO = Family Of Origin


You ask a very important question which I would suggest shows you are ready to take the first step in  dealing with your addiction.

As previously suggested, you might look at the cause for this. A therapist is the place to start.

Whichever way you tackle it, always remember that you are being abused and that you DON'T deserve it. Nobody will ever thank you for being their caretaker and sacrificing your life for them in the process.

You can do better - you owe it to yourself. Good luck.

[Sunfl0wer]

I am seeing one at the moment.  He just says I will leave when I am ready to

While not stated directly, I believe this was the thought of my T as well.

At first, I really was discouraged, I thought my indecisiveness reflected poorly on myself, I felt that I should have made a decision and committed to it.

The therapist, on the other hand, continued to tell me to:"observe what is happening, see how things unfold."

Approaching things this way was surprisingly helpful for me. It allowed me to process and view things from a different angle, while being partly attached/partly not attached.

Thanks. How long did you give it and what did you end up realising/doing? I can relate to the indecisiveness.

Well... .I almost automatically thought... ."probably 2 months."  Then after some self reflection here... .oh gosh... .more like 1yr, 9mo!

However, it was varying degrees of indecisiveness... .

At first... .

I was having conflicts about the progression and cycles of dysfunction I was observing.  I decided to go to MC... .found a way to drag him there with me.  The MC initially said that there was no need for anyone to decide anything.  Let's just take that off the table for the time being.  Let's just work with what we have here, and by a year or before a year, the truth of what to do will become clearer. (What a relief)

Then... .

During the months of MC, not much was getting resolved.  We were circling over the same issues.  He was stonewalling, caused drama, not taking ownership for much... .just like others partners around here.  We did make baby steps on a couple of issues though... .  BF learned that ST. Is a form of abuse and minimized his use of it.  I learned to stop contributing to the dysfunction in order to truly see what was going on, if I did my best. (This was actually hugely helpful for me)

Then... .

When push came to shove, and I cleared up my contributions to dysfunction... .and it clearly was time for BF to look at self... .he began to feel pressure... .squirm, accuse, distract, provoke... .etc.

We both sort of popped!

BF used this big fight and announced we were through. 

MC did not agree... .felt BF was not as resolved as he stated.  MC encouraged me to reconnect.

I still felt that there was hope... .

If only... .

I didn't want to let go so easily.  After all that work.  All my commitment.  I saw my commitment as a marriage and was not looking to just end it.

So instead of deciding to leave... .

I made a conscious decision to just be aware and mindful of myself, my values and my needs.  I began setting some boundaries that I neglected... .but were needed all along.  I decided "to be true to myself" and let things unfold how they would... .  While knowing BF likely would triggered... .leave... .etc.  (but also hoping he could love the me that I was trying to love more)

That's what happened... .he did leave.  (Made excuses vs real reasons) I learned that the natural result of... .  Me just being me... .me being true to myself... .  Well that meant that he was tuned off to me... .and would pull away.  I realized that he only wanted me in a very conditional, self serving way. 

No one needed to tell me this.  I had the opportunity to live it.  I could feel that being ME was not compatible with this r/s dynamic... .and the two could not exist.

Having this opportunity to watch and live it is what I believe ultimately has helped me to get my heart and mind in better alignment.

Had I not that opportunity, I think I would have more "what ifs... ." Floating around in my head. 

I still have much work to do... .but I'm glad I allowed myself that experience.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sorry... .I see that abuse is mentioned... .I did not pick up on this at first when replying.

I am not sure what you are dealing with in terms of abuse.  However, you did state that you T did not advise you to run.

In any event, I just wanted to say... .  That I never thought MC would ever tell me to stop trying/reaching out.  However, when things appeared to cross the line, escalated to the point it appeared abuse was just a breath away... .  He told me it was done!  To move on now.  It was a shock... .but I see that the final months together were so tough on BF that he was so dysregulated and so unpredictable... .I was worried he was seriously going to be psychotic, even tho he never showed signs of this ever before that I knew of.

[fromheeltoheal]

You continue to do it because you get something out of it, your needs are being met on some level.  If you've decided it won't work and you don't want to be with her, it's best to dig and find out what that something you get out of it is, what needs are being met, and then find other ways to meet them.  The way to beat any addiction is not to fight it, but to create something new that meets the same needs on a higher level.

What might those needs be?

Affection and love - although it's hard to tell a replace that with general friendship pool.

How about replacing them with affection and love for yourself?  When we don't have those or they aren't very strong we look externally for them, and end up entering relationships to get instead of give.  If we fill ourselves up first we can give freely.  And affection and love for ourselves aren't things we get, they're things we do, by acting affectionately and lovingly towards ourselves.  What can you do to love yourself right now Loose?

[fromheeltoheal]

I am seeing one at the moment.  He just says I will leave when I am ready to

While not stated directly, I believe this was the thought of my T as well.

At first, I really was discouraged, I thought my indecisiveness reflected poorly on myself, I felt that I should have made a decision and committed to it.

The therapist, on the other hand, continued to tell me to:"observe what is happening, see how things unfold."

Approaching things this way was surprisingly helpful for me. It allowed me to process and view things from a different angle, while being partly attached/partly not attached.

So instead of deciding to leave... .

I made a conscious decision to just be aware and mindful of myself, my values and my needs.  I began setting some boundaries that I neglected... .but were needed all along.  I decided "to be true to myself" and let things unfold how they would... .  While knowing BF likely would triggered... .leave... .etc.  (but also hoping he could love the me that I was trying to love more)

This is very cool, and ties into the stages of detachment over there ------------>

It's detaching while still being in the relationship, which is something I didn't do, but it's very cool when folks can, part of taking our power back.

The way I used was the pain of staying eventually became greater than the pain of leaving.  It would be nice to say that I left right when that happened but it took a little longer than that, until it was undeniable.  All of the detaching can happen after the relationships ends too, whatever works.

[Loosestrife]

FOO = Family Of Origin


You ask a very important question which I would suggest shows you are ready to take the first step in  dealing with your addiction.

As previously suggested, you might look at the cause for this. A therapist is the place to start.

Whichever way you tackle it, always remember that you are being abused and that you DON'T deserve it. Nobody will ever thank you for being their caretaker and sacrificing your life for them in the process.

You can do better - you owe it to yourself. Good luck.

Thanks Aussie. My SO thanks me a lot and is trying hard. I beat myself up as I want it to work, but I can't see how without sacrificing my own quality of life.

[Sunfl0wer]

I am seeing one at the moment.  He just says I will leave when I am ready to

While not stated directly, I believe this was the thought of my T as well.

At first, I really was discouraged, I thought my indecisiveness reflected poorly on myself, I felt that I should have made a decision and committed to it.

The therapist, on the other hand, continued to tell me to:"observe what is happening, see how things unfold."

Approaching things this way was surprisingly helpful for me. It allowed me to process and view things from a different angle, while being partly attached/partly not attached.

So instead of deciding to leave... .

I made a conscious decision to just be aware and mindful of myself, my values and my needs.  I began setting some boundaries that I neglected... .but were needed all along.  I decided "to be true to myself" and let things unfold how they would... .  While knowing BF likely would triggered... .leave... .etc.  (but also hoping he could love the me that I was trying to love more)

This is very cool, and ties into the stages of detachment over there ------------>

It's detaching while still being in the relationship, which is something I didn't do, but it's very cool when folks can, part of taking our power back.

The way I used was the pain of staying eventually became greater than the pain of leaving.  It would be nice to say that I left right when that happened but it took a little longer than that, until it was undeniable.  All of the detaching can happen after the relationships ends too, whatever works.

Fromheeltoheal,

Thank you for pointing out, that this is a form of detachment, and ties into the stages!  I really needed that validation, to frame it that way, I did not see it.

I was always content, knowing my experience felt right for me... .

However, I had a smidgen of uncertainty as my experience seems a bit contradictory to what many other members post.

Thank you for that!  I feel 100% at peace now!   

[Loosestrife]

Thanks for the replies. Went to see T again and apparently 'I'm not ready to leave'. Discussed FOO and me instead of pwBPD. I will try to focus on me for a bit. 

[Loosestrife]

I have radially accepted that my pwBPD will always have BPD and even if things get better there will always be bad patches. I need to figure out if that's the kind of life I want

[fromheeltoheal]

I am seeing one at the moment.  He just says I will leave when I am ready to

While not stated directly, I believe this was the thought of my T as well.

At first, I really was discouraged, I thought my indecisiveness reflected poorly on myself, I felt that I should have made a decision and committed to it.

The therapist, on the other hand, continued to tell me to:"observe what is happening, see how things unfold."

Approaching things this way was surprisingly helpful for me. It allowed me to process and view things from a different angle, while being partly attached/partly not attached.

So instead of deciding to leave... .

I made a conscious decision to just be aware and mindful of myself, my values and my needs.  I began setting some boundaries that I neglected... .but were needed all along.  I decided "to be true to myself" and let things unfold how they would... .  While knowing BF likely would triggered... .leave... .etc.  (but also hoping he could love the me that I was trying to love more)

This is very cool, and ties into the stages of detachment over there ------------>

It's detaching while still being in the relationship, which is something I didn't do, but it's very cool when folks can, part of taking our power back.

The way I used was the pain of staying eventually became greater than the pain of leaving.  It would be nice to say that I left right when that happened but it took a little longer than that, until it was undeniable.  All of the detaching can happen after the relationships ends too, whatever works.

Fromheeltoheal,

Thank you for pointing out, that this is a form of detachment, and ties into the stages!  I really needed that validation, to frame it that way, I did not see it.

I was always content, knowing my experience felt right for me... .

However, I had a smidgen of uncertainty as my experience seems a bit contradictory to what many other members post.

Thank you for that!  I feel 100% at peace now!   

Yes!

[Madison66]

Hi Loosestrife,

Every r/s and b/u are different and there is no magic wand to help us recover and detach.  I can only tell you what helped me and hopefully you may find some value in it.  

I'm 19 months out of a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf who also lived on my block (I owned and she rented).  I got very close to her three young kids, so the b/u and subsequent n/c were brutal.  I walked away not being able to take the emotional and eventual physical abuse.  While my heart kept going back to how much I loved her and the fantasy of someday having a healthy, reciprocating love r/s my gut told me to focus first on all of the things that I couldn't live with any longer.  I wrote 18 typed pages of events that went down during the 3+ years that I allowed to happen that were abusive, chaotic and generally unhealthy for me.  I wasn't attempting to paint my ex or the r/s black, but rather to fully come to grips with how unhealthy the situation was.  The events flowed onto the pages and I sat back and couldn't believe what I allowed myself to endure.  For accountability sake, I sent the "diary" to three totally trusted friends and family members.  They were my "accountability team"!  My T then had me go back and add how each event made me feel.  That was excruciatingly hard, but so helpful in understanding what I had been keeping inside.  The last assignment from my T was to write down what I really wanted and needed from a r/s and from a partner, and then compare it to what I just lived.  They were miles, and I mean miles apart!

I was selling myself short and I suspect you have been also.  N/c is a great tool to help you get the time and space you need to really look at things for what they were.  Gosh, I hope this helps!

[Sunfl0wer]

Thanks for the replies. Went to see T again and apparently 'I'm not ready to leave'. Discussed FOO and me instead of pwBPD. I will try to focus on me for a bit. 

I'm not certain what that rolling eye smiley means... .  However, I'll share what it made me want to share... .

I have begun therapy with a new therapist... .not our MC.

My opening email/txt to him to request he accept me as a patient was... .  (He is in demand... .can pick/choose)

"I want to work on closure from the loss of my r/s... .and not feel devastated or so depressed."

Can you believe... .I have seen this man maybe 6 times and the ex has come up maybe 1% of the time?

Crazy right?  Instead, we talk about me, my goals, my desires, my grievances... .  Wow! How nice to allow me to focus on me!  It feels like a fresh shower... .much needed after a full gritty day hike!  In our R/S... .there was so little focus on me!

Still... .our sessions are quite productive.

Discussing FOO issues sounds deeper and more to the point than possibly discussing r/s issues.

My point... .

Be non-judgmental to yourself... .  (If you aren't already)

Be kind

Be loving

Be ok with what feels right to you.  Trust your instincts.

Don't feel guilty... .for anything that you are or that you do.

You are ok... .right now.  Be ok with that!

[cosmonaut]

I am seeing one at the moment. He just says I will leave when I am ready to

Hmm.  What do you think about that?  Do you think this is something that will just resolve itself?

[Loosestrife]

Madison - this is a helpful reminder of what I have vs what I need in the relationship.

I have been through a similar exercise and re-read it often. It has helped me leave a few times, but only for short periods which is why I came round to the addiction/emeshment theory. It's hard as I see my SO trying to change and capable of doing the work, but staying around will mean I waste several years of my life with no guarantees.

Sunflower- the rolling eyes are my head feeling quite overloaded. I spent some time at my last T session talking about me and will keep focusing on this.Thanks

[Loosestrife]

I am seeing one at the moment. He just says I will leave when I am ready to

Hmm.  What do you think about that?  Do you think this is something that will just resolve itself?

No I don't think it will resolve itself. I need to make a decision - all in or all out - and stick to it. There are so many risks financially and mentally with the 'all in option'.

[cosmonaut]

No I don't think it will resolve itself. I need to make a decision - all in or all out - and stick to it. There are so many risks financially and mentally with the 'all in option'.

That's what I don't follow in your T's advice: why would this just resolve itself?  If it is only a matter of making a decision, would you have already done that?  Do you think there might be something deeper at work here?  Sometimes keeping you stuck?

[Loosestrife]

No I don't think it will resolve itself. I need to make a decision - all in or all out - and stick to it. There are so many risks financially and mentally with the 'all in option'.

That's what I don't follow in your T's advice: why would this just resolve itself?  If it is only a matter of making a decision, would you have already done that?  Do you think there might be something deeper at work here?  Sometimes keeping you stuck?

Like what?

[cosmonaut]

Perhaps something from your FOO.  It's only a suggestion, but it might be something you would like to investigate.

Let me give you an example about myself.  I grew up with an NPD mother and distant father.  I often felt invisible and uncared about as a child.  I never went without in terms of my physical needs.  I always had food, shelter, clothes, etc.  That was never an issue.  For me, it was a lack of emotional investment.  My parents just weren't often there for me, and they told me in a million different ways how much I wasn't a priority and that I didn't matter.  For my mother, I existed as a narcissistic battery - an object to show off to the world, but not one to spend time in nurturing.  When I started to have problems with my bipolar disorder as a teenager, it was just a burden for my parents to deal with.  It wasn't something to be considered a misfortune.  Their needs were what mattered.  The end result was that I have felt rather invisible and voiceless my whole life.  I was taught that my needs don't really matter and that I don't deserve to be nurtured.  I've been taught that love is rather conditional - something to be earned by doing what is expected.  This has had a significant impact on my relationships.  When I met my ex I felt seen for really the first time in my life.  I felt like someone finally saw the real me and loved me for it.  That was an incredible feeling for me, and it was deeply soothing to that old wound that I was invisible.  When my ex left, I also lost all of that soothing.  It ripped open that old wound, and it has significantly affected how hard this has been for me.   Maybe you have something similar you are going through?

[Loosestrife]

Perhaps something from your FOO.  It's only a suggestion, but it might be something you would like to investigate.

Let me give you an example about myself.  I grew up with an NPD mother and distant father.  I often felt invisible and uncared about as a child.  I never went without in terms of my physical needs.  I always had food, shelter, clothes, etc.  That was never an issue.  For me, it was a lack of emotional investment.  My parents just weren't often there for me, and they told me in a million different ways how much I wasn't a priority and that I didn't matter.  For my mother, I existed as a narcissistic battery - an object to show off to the world, but not one to spend time in nurturing.  When I started to have problems with my bipolar disorder as a teenager, it was just a burden for my parents to deal with.  It wasn't something to be considered a misfortune.  Their needs were what mattered.  The end result was that I have felt rather invisible and voiceless my whole life.  I was taught that my needs don't really matter and that I don't deserve to be nurtured.  I've been taught that love is rather conditional - something to be earned by doing what is expected.  This has had a significant impact on my relationships.  When I met my ex I felt seen for really the first time in my life.  I felt like someone finally saw the real me and loved me for it.  That was an incredible feeling for me, and it was deeply soothing to that old wound that I was invisible.  When my ex left, I also lost all of that soothing.  It ripped open that old wound, and it has significantly affected how hard this has been for me.   Maybe you have something similar you are going through?

I have discussed FOO with my T as love from my mother was also conditional whilst I was growing up. My pwBpD had a similar experience. Ironically I wanted to love my pwBPD unconditionally,  but all I get is unconditional love again as an adult as it is entirely dependant upon her mood. I know this unhealthy bond mirrors my childhood bond with my mother. It doesn't help me leave thr relationship though... .

[Sunfl0wer]

Sounds like you are not so content with just seeing how things unfold vs making a concise decision?  You prefer you could be firm about leaving?  However, this addiction like feeling is what you come back to?  Am I getting this right?

Have you considered what I've seen others here call, a therapeutic separation?

The reason is that it could help you to get your own thoughts in order by putting some distance in this.  

I remember a point in my own detachment process where I thought... . 

Hey!  My thoughts are shifting.  I'm thinking from a different angle that I was not able to be aware was possible.  I know this is because there is now a small piece of my attachment for him shifting. I'm feeling ever so slightly less enmeshed. I can see why folks on BPDF do that therapeutic separation thing, that didn't originally make sense to me, things make a bit more sense!

[jhkbuzz]

Loosestrife:  I feel your pain.  My own indecisiveness was utter torture for me since I'm normally pretty decisive.  I ultimately remained indecisive and she made the decision to leave.  It took MONTHS of n/c before I could even begin to think straight.

Of all the things that happened in the r/s, this indecisiveness of mine bothers me the most. For the first few years after things got bad I decided to stay for the sake of a child - but after that child went to college I continued to stay - and the last year of the r/s was the worst of all.

I don't know what is behind that indecisiveness of mine, but it's one of the things I want to get to the root of - and hopefully I will with my T. I suspect it will turn out to be FOO issues - an attempt to rework an old trauma in the present in order to get a different "result."  But I can't quite put my finger on it yet. It's strange; sometimes I feel like it's dancing right on the edge of my consciousness but I can't quite focus on it.

it is entirely dependent upon her mood. I know this unhealthy bond mirrors my childhood bond with my mother. It doesn't help me leave the relationship though... .

Could have written that ^; somehow the intellectual understanding ("I know this unhealthy bond mirrors my childhood bond with my mother" doesn't help process the emotional side of it; and processing the emotional side of it is what you need to fully heal from it.  How do I know? I'm in the same boat.

[going places]

Hi

I keep recycling. I think it's because my pwBPD is getting help and is actually taking responsibility for her negative behaviours.

For me personally?

I kept recycling because *I* WANTED it to get better, and I thought if *I* just tried a little harder, it would be ok.

I kept recycling because a 'biblical counselor' told me that if I didn't I was not 'forgiving' and a bad wife.

I kept recycling because he would tell me he's gonna try and for 2 weeks, try he did (the only thing he tried was to reattach the Mask and manipulate me into believing he had changed) but after 2 weeks, it all went back to the way it was; which was awful.

I kept recycling because of fear.

I kept recycling because it's all I knew... .I'd been with him for 20+ years... .

My heart wants things to work out, but my head knows I can't sign up to being someone's caretaker for life as I know BPD isn't really curable and there is too much water under the bridge in terms of past abuse

After 2.5 YEARS of recycle and misery (after the initial trauma of finding out he was having an affair)... .FINALLY I saw an advocate. (Google 'abuse advocate _______(your city and state in the blank).

THAT is when I started to understand what had happened to me.

THAT is when I started to understand what abuse is.

And THAT is when I started doing research, reading medical and college text books, and started focusing on ME.

That is when the healing began.

After watching my ex (at the time was my husband and we were 'working on the marriage' ha ha) IGNORE me and my youngest child for THREE MONTHS (the 3 months before she shipped off to boot camp) to the point when either one of us walked into the room, he would get up and walk out; not speak to us, not look at us (and when he did, it was with a wadded up face, or he was rolling his eyes)... .THAT was when I said enough.

We had past the point of no return.

I was finally "ready to leave".

Fear and shame be damned, I was gonna rise up.

And I am!

I accept I have an addiction to my pwBPD, but I can't detach my bond/love is too strong. If there was a version of AA for non-BPDs I would sign up tomorrow. I can't even go NC for a day. Can anyone relate to this?

Thanks

Yes, for the longest time I too could not go a day w no contact.

Then I put my full focus on me, and my kids.

My dreams and goals, and their dreams and goals.

Those positive things consumed my thoughts... .leaving no room for the negative ex.

AND every time I would have a 'but this was good and that was good" thought?

I reminded myself that it was all a big fat lie... .because when the ex opens his mouth, he lies.

I reminded myself that it was all in MY head 'our hopes and dreams together'.

His actions spoke volumes louder than his words, and his actions said he is a monster.

To help myself with detachment, I threw him out of the house.

Then I blocked him from all social media and my phone. The ONLY way he could communicate with me was via email. AND the only thing I would discuss was the selling process of our home.

It was hard. VERY hard at first, but the more positive REAL things I focused on, the less I focused on the negative and the ex (which is negative).

I look back at where I was this day last year.

Living in a home, that everyone hated, with a man that hated me, only weeks away from a divorce being final.

Feeling hopeless, helpless, and alone.

Nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, etc.

Deep, sadness.

Then a glimmer of hope; a book the advocate recommended; thoughts of owning my own business one day, owning my own home one day... .moving to Florida and never having to spend another winter shivering... .finally getting my kids out of this pressure cooker of gloom and doom... .

Today I am confident. (God willing) I will be a business owner. I will be a home owner.

I am moving in less than 60 days to SW Florida (put the $$ down on the rental last week).

I surround myself with people who are strong, confident, positive and goal oriented.

My Faith is so much stronger today than it was last year... .

There is hope.

The light at the end of the tunnel is not a train!

[Take2]

I accept I have an addiction to my pwBPD, but I can't detach my bond/love is too strong. If there was a version of AA for non-BPDs I would sign up tomorrow. I can't even go NC for a day. Can anyone relate to this?

Loosestrife... .  you sound like you are experiencing exactly what I have been going thru for years now.  And with every recycle with my exuBPD-bf, the abuse got worse.  It took me a long time to realize that I really was addicted to him, to the drama, the chaos.  I googled addiction therapists and found one in my area who understands the trauma bond, the addiction cycle.  I spent so long focusing on the problems of my ex, but it wasn't until I really and truly focused on why I am SO addicted to someone who is SO cruel to me that I finally started making progress.  I'm not going to lie and say it immediately got easier... .it hasn't.  It's been 5 weeks now that we've been NC.  It's so hard and I keep forgetting the truly cruel and horrible emotional abuse he has put me thru.  I do have to see him at work which makes it so incredibly difficult - but it's getting better.

It will take a long time for your brain to stop reacting to thoughts of her, but it will eventually happen.

And YES - there is a version of AA for non-BPD's - it's called SLAA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

Now those in this group aren't all ex partners of BPD people - but it is what you are looking for... .

Try looking for a couple books - one called Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody.  Another is called Ready to Heal from Addictive Relationships, not sure who wrote that one. 

Maybe you can discuss these with your current therapist... .

Like I said, it's still not easy for me.  But I'm finally making progress to move forward in my life.

Yep, I'm back here after about a month gone - because I started missing my ex tremendously.  And it makes no sense to miss someone who was so wildly cruel to me, someone who attempted to destroy my home life more than once, someone who has spread complete lies about me at work recently (saying I slept with other men which no way did I ever do!), someone who sent me naked pix on text of other girls just a few months ago to tell me how I did not compare... .  someone who would and WILL try to get me fired if given the chance (fortunately due to some other issue with his own boss, HR is already aware of his crazy behavior.)

The addiction is all us.  We may not have been quite like this before our r/s with a BPD person, but now we get the fun (NOT) of trying to set ourselves straight as we pick up the pieces of our broken hearts... .

Hugs to you... .