Dealing with the Irrational Replacement Fears

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Okay... .This isn't my most recent story, but it is something that has been bugging me.

After a rocky back and forth breakup, my ex and I ended things on good terms. After some time had passed, I got back in touch with her to try and normalize relations I guess - bad idea - and I ended up agreeing to meet up with her at local bar that was serving free food to catch up.

My exgf shows up and the first thing that happens: she turns to me and says, "I can't be here right now." Why? Because standing 10 feet away from us is her abusive ex-boyfriend. This guy drove a real wedge in our relationship. When I was seeing my ex, they were still maintaining a relationship as friends, and it just caused A LOT of drama. He was still in love with her and communicating with her constantly, making her feel miserable, etc. I was firmly lodged in rescuer, supporter mode. Classic triangulation. It was a highly dysfunctional dynamic and I played into it for far too long, mainly because I was probably very invested in the dynamic. I saw everything as the ex-boyfriend's fault. He was a cruddy, abusive human being. I didn't - or willfully ignored - the ways in which my exgf was inviting that chaos into our relationship, most likely because she was feeding off that drama. It probably made her feel more desired to be caught in the middle of this torrid triangle.

We eventually broke up because I asked her not to communicate with her ex in front of me. She texted with him constantly in front of me, and I felt it was disrespectful of our relationship considering the ex was openly still in love with her and wanted me squarely out of the picture. It felt like they very much still had a very emotionally intimate relationship. Well, when I brought that up she freaked. That was the beginning of the end.

Anyway, after we broke up we communicated on a few occasions and she told me about how she was trying to cut her ex out of her life completely, which I told her I supported considering how he only seemed to hurt her and was very unstable. I guess she did because when we met at the bar she wanted to get as far away from him as possible.

Not only that, but before we left the bar to avoid him she was telling all of her friends why she was leaving, which was really surprising. When we were dating, she kept the chaos between her and her ex almost a total secret... .To the point where I told her that she bring in her friends and ask for their support as well. She never did. And she certainly never cut her ex out of her life while we were together.

Anyway, all in all it was a bad night for me because being in that situation completely resubmerged me in the dynamic of our relationship: namely that triangulation dynamic of me playing rescuer to her the victim of her abusive ex. I certainly don't blame her for that because obviously it was a dynamic I bought into fully and was clearly getting something out of myself. It was a very charged experience being in the middle of that, and it made me feel needed and valuable.

But it basically felt like being back in the relationship, which wasn't good for my healing. Not only that, but shortly after my ex revealed that she was seeing someone new. She revealed it in a way that felt very purposeful and manufactured, but maybe I was just being sensitive. Either way I found out about my replacement and it was painful and confusing.

In general, I was feeling very confused,in pain, and for some reason angry. I’m certainly not claiming it was rational anger. I’m glad she’s removed her toxic ex-boyfriend from her life and she’s finally found the strength to go to her friends for her support, but there was a part of me that immediately thought, “I just wish you could have done this for me... .After I told you it was causing me pain.” Then more irrational thoughts filled my head. How it was unfair that her new boyfriend didn’t have to deal with it. How the whole thing just made me feel like I was just a pit stop for her on her emotional road to detaching from her ex-boyfriend. I know all of this is making a lot of assumptions, like just because she’s removed her ex from her life that she’s “healthy”. She’s still diagnosed BPD, and I’m sure her new boyfriend will eventually experience pain and confusion as well because of it. Again, I know that sounds like a vain, selfish sentiment, but remembering that her behavior will most likely repeat does me feel better.

I don’t know. I’m very aware these are very confused and irrational emotions I’m having, but that’s not completely out of the ordinary, right? Can anyone relate to how I’m feeling. I feel like if someone can frame this through their process and experience maybe I’ll feel better about it.

[mrwigand]

Okay... .This isn't my most recent story, but it is something that has been bugging me.

After a rocky back and forth breakup, my ex and I ended things on good terms. After some time had passed, I got back in touch with her to try and normalize relations I guess - bad idea - and I ended up agreeing to meet up with her at local bar that was serving free food to catch up.

My exgf shows up and the first thing that happens: she turns to me and says, "I can't be here right now." Why? Because standing 10 feet away from us is her abusive ex-boyfriend. This guy drove a real wedge in our relationship. When I was seeing my ex, they were still maintaining a relationship as friends, and it just caused A LOT of drama. He was still in love with her and communicating with her constantly, making her feel miserable, etc. I was firmly lodged in rescuer, supporter mode. Classic triangulation. It was a highly dysfunctional dynamic and I played into it for far too long, mainly because I was probably very invested in the dynamic. I saw everything as the ex-boyfriend's fault. He was a cruddy, abusive human being. I didn't - or willfully ignored - the ways in which my exgf was inviting that chaos into our relationship, most likely because she was feeding off that drama. It probably made her feel more desired to be caught in the middle of this torrid triangle.

We eventually broke up because I asked her not to communicate with her ex in front of me. She texted with him constantly in front of me, and I felt it was disrespectful of our relationship considering the ex was openly still in love with her and wanted me squarely out of the picture. It felt like they very much still had a very emotionally intimate relationship. Well, when I brought that up she freaked. That was the beginning of the end.

Anyway, after we broke up we communicated on a few occasions and she told me about how she was trying to cut her ex out of her life completely, which I told her I supported considering how he only seemed to hurt her and was very unstable. I guess she did because when we met at the bar she wanted to get as far away from him as possible.

Not only that, but before we left the bar to avoid him she was telling all of her friends why she was leaving, which was really surprising. When we were dating, she kept the chaos between her and her ex almost a total secret... .To the point where I told her that she bring in her friends and ask for their support as well. She never did. And she certainly never cut her ex out of her life while we were together.

Anyway, all in all it was a bad night for me because being in that situation completely resubmerged me in the dynamic of our relationship: namely that triangulation dynamic of me playing rescuer to her the victim of her abusive ex. I certainly don't blame her for that because obviously it was a dynamic I bought into fully and was clearly getting something out of myself. It was a very charged experience being in the middle of that, and it made me feel needed and valuable.

But it basically felt like being back in the relationship, which wasn't good for my healing. Not only that, but shortly after my ex revealed that she was seeing someone new. She revealed it in a way that felt very purposeful and manufactured, but maybe I was just being sensitive. Either way I found out about my replacement and it was painful and confusing.

In general, I was feeling very confused,in pain, and for some reason angry. I’m certainly not claiming it was rational anger. I’m glad she’s removed her toxic ex-boyfriend from her life and she’s finally found the strength to go to her friends for her support, but there was a part of me that immediately thought, “I just wish you could have done this for me... .After I told you it was causing me pain.” Then more irrational thoughts filled my head. How it was unfair that her new boyfriend didn’t have to deal with it. How the whole thing just made me feel like I was just a pit stop for her on her emotional road to detaching from her ex-boyfriend. I know all of this is making a lot of assumptions, like just because she’s removed her ex from her life that she’s “healthy”. She’s still diagnosed BPD, and I’m sure her new boyfriend will eventually experience pain and confusion as well because of it. Again, I know that sounds like a vain, selfish sentiment, but remembering that her behavior will most likely repeat does me feel better.

I don’t know. I’m very aware these are very confused and irrational emotions I’m having, but that’s not completely out of the ordinary, right? Can anyone relate to how I’m feeling. I feel like if someone can frame this through their process and experience maybe I’ll feel better about it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey mr-

Reading your post immediately brought to mind the criteria for BPD in the DSM, specifically:

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Yep, seems there's a fair share of that going on.  The way it looked in my relationship was chaos, continual chaos, there will never be anything but chaos.  And it is what it is.  That roller coaster will never stop and your choices include jumping off, or trying to stay on and also keep your feet on the ground; eventually you just can't and you get caught up on the ride, yes?

Yes, it's very common, it's also optional, and her behavior will not change, so yours has to if you want to re-find some stability, contentment and peace.  Up to you.

I like to think about what a 'normal' relationship would look like.  You meet a girl, you're attracted, she says she's in a relationship, you say something like "I'd love to make you dinner at my place, and I don't date women who are married or in relationships, so if anything changes I'd love to hear from you."  And then she breaks up with the dude, it's final, she calls you, she's single without any of the bullsht, you see where it goes from there, starting with a nice meal and some good wine.  What a concept; sign us up for some of that!

[Hadlee]

Then more irrational thoughts filled my head. How it was unfair that her new boyfriend didn’t have to deal with it. How the whole thing just made me feel like I was just a pit stop for her on her emotional road to detaching from her ex-boyfriend. I know all of this is making a lot of assumptions, like just because she’s removed her ex from her life that she’s “healthy”. She’s still diagnosed BPD, and I’m sure her new boyfriend will eventually experience pain and confusion as well because of it. Again, I know that sounds like a vain, selfish sentiment, but remembering that her behavior will most likely repeat does me feel better.

I can definitely relate.  I've been through that thought pattern the last couple of days myself.  I supported my xBPD BFF during the last few years of her "rocky" relationship with her bf.  She ended their relationship late last year.  I chose to distance myself from her due to all the craziness, so she has now attached herself to a shiny new toy.  It sucks to think I had the friend with all the stress of her relationship now her new friend gets the single, fun loving friend without relationship issues or any stress.

But... .in the world of BPD, we know it's always far from peachy!  There will always be some drama and continued chaos.    

This probably sounds bi!chy, but I would feel so much better if I saw cracks in her friendship with the shiny toy.  Feeling like this shows me I have more work to do on myself  Relying on a person with a serious mental illness to validate me and fill my self esteem bucket up is not a healthy option, I know.  It sure does take time and hard work to get through all of this though.

It's horrible having these thoughts, but remember that you are not alone in thinking like this  

     

[Mr Hollande]

I used to hear horror stories from my ex about the father of her son and it made me hate him. For obvious reasons she couldn't cut him out entirely of her life but the discussions/arguments we had about him and his abusive behaviour were endless. I'm not so sure of her stories about him anymore. Some of them may have grains of truth in them but with a large chunk of her actions edited out by her. "Little miss innocent victim at all times". I don't think so.

So my question to you is, how do you know this guy was abusive? If it's by her account only I would ask for a second opinion if I were you. What's to say he isn't as much of a pawn in her game as you are?