How to tell BPD mother that I am planning to elope

[emrald]

Hi,

I have been engaged for almost eight years and have not gotten married due to a mixture of finances and dealing with my mother and other family problems.  I have finally come to terms with the fact that a big happy wedding with my family is not in the cards for me.  So we will be eloping, and then having a small celebration back home when we return. 

We are about to book the tickets, but I am terrified of telling my mother.  I have no idea what her reaction will be, part of the reason we are eloping is because we simply can't afford a traditional wedding and my mother is in no position to be able to help financially.  So part of me hopes that she will understand that eight years is too long to be engaged- we need to get married, and she is not able to help with wedding costs, so this is really the only option.  But she has BPD- so I don't really think that is the reaction I am going to get. 

I definitely want to tell her soon and involve her in other details like planning the celebration back home and helping me pick out a dress, so hopefully she will feel less left-out. 

Has anyone told their mother w/ BPD that they are eloping and have any advice for how to go about it?

Thank you.

[Leaving]

Emrald,

Congratulations!

I haven't been in your situation but I think I understand that you don't want to upset your mother who wants you to have a social wedding.  What I would do is just tell her that you and your fiance don't want to start your marriage in debt and after much consideration have decided that you would prefer a very intimate and private ceremony between just the two of you to save expenses and would rather spend  money on a wedding party after the ceremony where you can relax and spend time with friends and family.  Tell her that it would mean the world to you if she would help you plan the party.  Be happy and confident and relaxed. 

If she gets defensive and dramatic, just tell her that you understand that she would have preferred a social wedding and understand her feelings but that you and your fiance don't want that and that you're excited about and looking forward to a beautiful party instead.

[emrald]

Thank you for your response Leaving.  That is pretty much exactly what I did.  Unfortunately my mother burst into tears, sat there and sobbed and refused to say a single word to me.  Even when I asked here to share her feelings, and then later told her this was a very difficult situation for me and I could use her support she still refused to speak a single word.  In the end, I had to just leave her crying.  She hasn't spoken to me in over a week now.