CastleofGlass,
Hey... .just so you know. I can be a bit direct sometimes... .I'm not telling people they are wrong... .just trying to be clear on points I'm making... . Instead of wrong and right... .I'm a good, better, best kinda guy. I try to see a goal someone has in their communication... .and suggest a better route... .especially if the one they are trying isn't working. Doesn't mean what you are trying... .currently doing... .is "wrong"... .it just may not be working right now... .in your r/s.
OK... .
pwBPD traits are sensitive to emotion... .most likely they are uncomfortable (may not admit it) with their own emotions... .very likely they have been told... .or think... .or feel... .that their emotions are "wrong"
Soo... .
Knock it off with the "what's wrong?" question... . Probably best to eliminate "wrong" from your vocabulary... .pwBPD traits don't like to be judged... .
If you really want to know what she is feeling... ."How are you feeling?" hush... .let her talk. If she says "nothing" or seems to not want to participate in a "feeling" discussion... .BELIEVE HER... .move on to other things.
By the way... .you have great posts... .I can "see" what is going on... .very helpful to those of us trying to help.
My uBPDw welcomed me with a smile and some conversation.
This is great... .when they are on their best... .go with it... .but don't go over the top... .up the ante "just a bit". So... .she smiles and seems friendly... .match it... .up it a bit. Great time to try an identify a positive emotion... .and validate that. (are you reading lessons... .?) What does validation mean to you?
my wife decided it was time to start straightening up.
Great... .this is her choice... .not yours... .very important to realize this. If her choices have consequences... .it's not up to you to own those consequences... .or "rescue" her from them.
I 95% of the time have been putting these away
Great move... .she see's this... .even if she doesn't say it. Sometimes she may not feel that way... .but those are her feelings... .not yours. I point this out to say... .you are doing a lot... .no requirement/need for you to do 95%... .you do it because you can... .and want to. No need to apologize for taking care of yourself... .so you can take better care of her.
Turns out, that was the dumbest move for me.
Don't be hard on yourself... .she make think it inappropriate or "dumb" for you to do this. Don't base your analysis on her feelings... . Learn to make good choices for yourself... .and move along. You win some... .you loose some... .don't sweat it... .
I offered to do it for her. "Nope."
Great move! You offered... .she had a choice... .she made a choice... . Drop it and move along... .
I offered to take the vacuum upstairs afterwards cause sometimes she'll do the upstairs next. "Someday it'll need to go up, I'm not doing it now."
Solid move... .she again made a choice... .move along... .don't analyze.
She sat back down and I sat by her. I asked what was wrong? "Nothing." I knew from the tone and answers... .she was angry.
OK... .I see a genuine concern here... .but I also really need you to understand that this is where you initiated "the dance". Unfortunately... .many of us "nons" here on the boards... .have unknowingly participated in a "dysfunctional dance" in our r/s. We didn't mean to... .we had great intentions... .but for myriad reasons... .the dance that used to work... .doesn't anymore... .or maybe it never worked.
SECRET: If you don't like the way the dance is going... .STOP IT. (that is good... .maybe better). (Best answer) Start dancing differently... .this may confuse your partner... .but they will figure it out. (don't explain yourself to her)... .just dance differently.
I knew a big part of it was started when she put the dishes away while I sat.
Maybe... .probably... .but... .stay away from mindreading... .many times our assumptions are wrong.
I told her, I was sorry I didn't offer to help when she was doing the dishes and she replied "Ok, what were you so entralled with in your phone while I was doing that?" I told her I was reading some football news about my team. She had snapped that it's not football season. Then I informed her that practices are going on and I'm just seeing news about new players. It was going no where.
JADE ALERT! Here is the thing... .I'm not seeing a question or accusation. Best to just leave this alone. If you want information to get out there... .tell her your feelings. "I'm feeling much better about my upcoming PT tests... .I can tell by the way my legs feel... .that I'm getting stronger. It feels good to rest them"
Then... .follow up with... ."Honey... .would you like me to rub your feet... .?"
What does JADE mean to you?
I just got up and started dinner for the kids. She had deemed it was a potluck dinner night. After I made the dinner, she came in and seemed to be ok and got a plate for herself after the kids were done.
Solid move... .! Very helpful of you... .
Now it's bedtime. She takes our two youngest up for bed and I stayed downstairs to clean up everything and make sure my 2 oldest brush/take meds/etc. Wife comes down after getting the kids down and just sits down.
Again... .solid move. Divide and conquer is the way to handle things in bigger families... .!
The whole time she is quiet with one word answers.
This is good... .she most likely doesn't want to talk. You tested the waters (I am interested in what you were asking)... .she didn't want to talk. Drop it. I would say test a couple times... .and then find something else to do.
Then, after about an hour, she gets up and goes upstairs. I said "What's wrong?"
See previous advice... .eliminate this from vocabulary... .nothing good can come of this question... .or the answer... .
I knew it was because she was pissed at me and didn't want to be around me.
Did she actually say this? It's on us to quit mindreading... .she is most likely sorting out some confusing things.
Even if the things she is sorting are about you... .IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!
Think about that... .this was mind blowing for me... .but very helpful to sort out.
In the past, I would have followed and tried to find out what was wrong. I didnt. I stayed and watched tv myself and wasn't going to get sucked in.
Solid move! Especially realizing what you would have done with the "old you" and trying out a "new you". Very... .very impressive. I like a "positive learning curve".
We take turns sleeping in on weekends, me on Sat and her on Sun. I woke up at 1015 and came downstairs. Here was the exchange:
Me: Hey babe, how'd you sleep?
Her: Fine
Me: What time did everyone wake up?
Her: 730
Good... .maybe ever "better". Best would be to affirm her some more first thing... .compliment... .say nice things... .try to get momentum going in right direction.
Me: Are you feeling ok? Something seems wrong.
Her: I'm fine
Believe her! Move along. If she is not fine... .she may eventually be ready to tell you... .or she may not. That is up to her.
Me: Well, somethings wrong. (I sometimes do that b/c I know simething is wrong and she bottles it up which makes it worse)
Very dangerous territory. Most likely invalidating. What does invalidation mean to you? Critical you realize this. 1 invalidation can wipe out 10 (or more) validations... .
Critical!
Her: I'm fine, I'm gonna go lay down.
Believe her... .make a small gesture... .like putting a fresh glass of icewater next to her... .and move along.
she is pissed.
Maybe... .or maybe not. Either way... .they are her feelings... .you don't own them... .let her keep them... .if she tosses them at you... .don't catch them (more on this later)
I would bet over last night. I can't seem to win. This isn't over and she will wake up pissed. Days like this suck.
Don't predict the future... .especially a negative future... .your predictions... .sometimes... .many times affect your reality.
I'll hush for now... .
Looking forward to more discussion... .you are on your way to a better r/s... .!
FF