Is it BPR, Drug Addiction, or Both? HELP

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was in a relationship which just recently ended.  When I explained the relationship to my therapist, he told me to research BPD.  After reading a number of articles, it seems very consistent with the behavioral patterns of my ex, but I have no idea.

Our relationship started off amazing, and the connection was fantastic.  Then suddenly a tornado hit.  Every few days there was a significant issue.  I will sum the issues up quickly, as drama ensued literally every few days.

Initially, the tornado hit when we were laying in bed in the middle of the night, and she said she had to leave.  She would not explain why, just that I would never understand, and once I knew the truth about her I would leave her.  She said I am the best thing that has ever happened to her, and she just had to go.  She  would not take my calls the remainder of the night, then at 3am her friend answered piss drunk, and said she was in the bathroom throwing up.

Typically, I would have walked away then, but there was something about our connection.  A few days later, she told me she had a work function after work, and that she would be home at 9pm.  Her cell phone was off until I received a call at 1am and she sounded completely wasted and she did not know where she was.  She asked me to come get her, which I did, and she then verbally berated me all the way home and when we got home.  She then continued berating me as I left for work, and then claims not to remember anything.

From there on, the lies began to come.  Instances of falling asleep on the phone, telling me she had a friend over when she did not, saying she was one place when she was another, this continued.  All of this while she told me she loved me and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and that I am the greatest thing to ever happen to her.  She would say all of this, yet seemed to keep pushing me away.  It was like nothing I ever experienced.  So I tried to walk away, and she would cry and beg me back.  After one such instance, she begged me back, and then two days later was her birthday.  We made plans, then two hours before I received a few text messages from her with the exact words and emotions she uses in texts, telling me she has made other plans.  A few days later after I tried to walk away again, she told me her friend sent that text and it wasn't her who sent it.

It was just story after story, yet all the while she was telling me that she loved me and can't be without me.  She would continue to have the need to leave me house, and told me she had a deep dark secret that once I found out, I would leave her.

The continued until she ultimately slammed her door in my face when I had called her out on a lie and broke up with me.  Two weeks later she called and said she forgot breaking up with me.

Shortly thereafter, I found a significant amount of drugs in my house.  She swears they are not hers, but she was the only one in my home.  We then went to therapy, of which nothing came out of it. 

The last straw was after her continued efforts to get me back and me continuing to tell her I do not trust her and her not doing anything to earn my trust, I called her as we were in the middle of a text exchange, and she would not take my calls, and when I rang her door, she would not answer though she was home.  Mind you a day before she told me she wants to marry me.

So then sent me a break up text, called three hours later begging me back saying all she wants is me, and called the next day to check in, of which I did not return her call.  It has been thirty days since I have not returned her call, and I have not heard from her at all.  I am in shock not to have heard from her.

This is someone that claimed to be so madly in love with me, yet hasn't even reached out to see where I am.

I believe there is substance abuse and potential personality disorder.  I am thirty days of no contact.

Any thoughts?

[bjm]

I was in a relationship which just recently ended.  When I explained the relationship to my therapist, he told me to research BPD.  After reading a number of articles, it seems very consistent with the behavioral patterns of my ex, but I have no idea.

Our relationship started off amazing, and the connection was fantastic.  Then suddenly a tornado hit.  Every few days there was a significant issue.  I will sum the issues up quickly, as drama ensued literally every few days.

Initially, the tornado hit when we were laying in bed in the middle of the night, and she said she had to leave.  She would not explain why, just that I would never understand, and once I knew the truth about her I would leave her.  She said I am the best thing that has ever happened to her, and she just had to go.  She  would not take my calls the remainder of the night, then at 3am her friend answered piss drunk, and said she was in the bathroom throwing up.

Typically, I would have walked away then, but there was something about our connection.  A few days later, she told me she had a work function after work, and that she would be home at 9pm.  Her cell phone was off until I received a call at 1am and she sounded completely wasted and she did not know where she was.  She asked me to come get her, which I did, and she then verbally berated me all the way home and when we got home.  She then continued berating me as I left for work, and then claims not to remember anything.

From there on, the lies began to come.  Instances of falling asleep on the phone, telling me she had a friend over when she did not, saying she was one place when she was another, this continued.  All of this while she told me she loved me and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and that I am the greatest thing to ever happen to her.  She would say all of this, yet seemed to keep pushing me away.  It was like nothing I ever experienced.  So I tried to walk away, and she would cry and beg me back.  After one such instance, she begged me back, and then two days later was her birthday.  We made plans, then two hours before I received a few text messages from her with the exact words and emotions she uses in texts, telling me she has made other plans.  A few days later after I tried to walk away again, she told me her friend sent that text and it wasn't her who sent it.

It was just story after story, yet all the while she was telling me that she loved me and can't be without me.  She would continue to have the need to leave me house, and told me she had a deep dark secret that once I found out, I would leave her.

The continued until she ultimately slammed her door in my face when I had called her out on a lie and broke up with me.  Two weeks later she called and said she forgot breaking up with me.

Shortly thereafter, I found a significant amount of drugs in my house.  She swears they are not hers, but she was the only one in my home.  We then went to therapy, of which nothing came out of it. 

The last straw was after her continued efforts to get me back and me continuing to tell her I do not trust her and her not doing anything to earn my trust, I called her as we were in the middle of a text exchange, and she would not take my calls, and when I rang her door, she would not answer though she was home.  Mind you a day before she told me she wants to marry me.

So then sent me a break up text, called three hours later begging me back saying all she wants is me, and called the next day to check in, of which I did not return her call.  It has been thirty days since I have not returned her call, and I have not heard from her at all.  I am in shock not to have heard from her.

This is someone that claimed to be so madly in love with me, yet hasn't even reached out to see where I am.

I believe there is substance abuse and potential personality disorder.  I am thirty days of no contact.

Any thoughts?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey bjm,

What is your dilemma?

Personality Disorder 

Substance Abuse 

She lies to you 

Push me/Pull you 

Love Bombing 

Don't over-think it.  Time to move on.  You will be much happier without her, I predict.

LuckyJim

[scoutshonor]

Im new to the whole idea of BPD but i can explain some of this to you from how i see it on my side.

All people are different in their own way, with that certain behaviors seem to be the same of all BPD people.

When you first meet them they treat you better than they ever will, this is because when you met they were LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY to fulfill a need that they had and their pool of victims had dried up. Its that they were snubbed. This pool of victims is a source and we are just one of many. I think they all use somekind of mind altering substances but again this changes with the individual BPD. They have no limit... .just more only stop and control their weird feelings that are usually about self esteem and abandonment. I think they panic at night when left to their own ideas. When they panic they fight and flee. The panic and uneasyness is always there in them except when they are on the way up of getting wasted. When she leaves at night she is prolly scared she is losing an old source from a man. When she is high she doesnt care.

I dont think it ever changes with them. I dont think they ever get better... .its all about fear,flight, loneliness in a cycle.

Where i screwed myself is i would imagine that after this she found someone incredible, someone ten times better than me and now she is happy... .all of which would make me fill worthless. In truth they are kind of lazy and the guy after you could be half as good as you... .she might only like him half as much. The BPDs lifes really do suck. For once if we could just remember that feeling we have when it was over of relief and stay there... .instead of how we continue over the cliff of trying to analyze how we could make it work.

[bjm]

Thank you for the response.  The crazy thing to me is I walked away from her many times due to her horrible behavior.  This last time, I did not respond to her last call, and I never heard from her again.  That is what I am having a hard time understanding, as she seemed to always circle back in the past.

[scoutshonor]

If u want to know, just ask her... .txt her. Try something as simple as "what are you doing?" and then wait, don't do anything more. It could take a week but almost 100% they will answer back. Its funny to me how they don't understand their own games... .its almost like they they don't care and can't help it... .they only see themselves. Your sick, how does this affect them? You want to work late, this affects them?

Once they know you are done they won't try... .but they will still put out their feelers.

[bjm]

Is it safe to say that she is perfectly ok walking away from me, though all she ever told me was she was going to spend the rest of her life with me... .