Will I ever Haunt her like she does me?

[Reecer1588]

I want to know. I just want to know so much! From y'alls experience, tell me, will I ever haunt her like she does me? Will thoughts of me ever be so much to bear that she will have to reach out to me just to relieve it?

and I am sorry that this is the third post I've made today but it's been an incredibly hard day for me and I am just reaching my hand out for support

Will I ever haunt this evil being?

[Arcturus81]

The harsh truth is probably not. My ex talked about the "one that got away" several times and I think the reason for it is that he left her during her during the honeymoon phase and didn't have a chance to paint him black. If they paint you black then she probably won't be thinking about you unless things go to crap and she starts looking through possible recycles. The only solace one can take from one of these kinds of relationships is that your ex will keep screwing up their life again and again. It is a cycle they cannot break and usually they will end up alone when they can no longer use their body to attract another and have to rely on their personality (yeah right).

Just look at it from the big picture. You have way more of a chance at something meaningful and permanent than your ex. You have the mental capacity for real love and they do not. You can feel real emotions that they only pretend at feeling because they are damaged creatures who need therapy. The truth is that you are better than her and deep down she knows it, which is why they paint you black.

You got this man!

[Inside]

Will you ever haunt her?

Yes, that’s one reason we need to be replaced quickly.  PwBPD are vessels of guilt, often scurrying to another in order to (attempt) to forget the last.  

We know too much, and have often seen the real them.  They are ashamed, and feel beneath us - but it’s the last thing they’ll admit.  They know they betrayed us, or couldn’t live up to our expectations ... .and as much as we might feel they were the one that got away - the truth is - we’re the ones that got away

They can’t do love, must know by now that we can, thus will both envy and miss their time with us.  If you want a semblance of revenge, you’ve got it; they will forever want something that will always elude them.  You may be one of several, but you’ll not be forgotten... .

PS - I'll often answer before reading 'everyone's answers' (as I often lose track of my own thoughts... .) - but I also agree with the post above, so "Yes & No" ... .

[UserName69]

I think you will, I can relate to this. This is my experience:

You know me and my exBPD had a rs for 6 months. We broke up like 14 times. Once when we broke up I went to visit a bar, I met an another girl. Later we exchanged phone numbers. Two weeks later me and my exBPD got together again, the rs was very unstable. At this period I got very depressed, this had nothing to do with my rs. I started to talk with the other girl and she had helped me a lot. My exBPD knew I was depressed and she didn't even care about me. So I knew this rs was almost at the end.

My exBPD kept acting like a witch so I started to hate her. I started to talk more with the new girl. Me and my exBPD had a fight and we broke up. At this time I started to know this new girl better. I had to go to my home land to retrieve and sign a couple official documents. I told my exBPD I was leaving the country for a while and she didn't care she didn't even reply. The other girl however did talk to me and wished me a safe trip, since she helped me out I asked her if I can get something for her. She wanted a dress so I bought it for her. Later when I got back I gave it to her she wanted to pay me I refused and told her to see it as a gift since she helped me a lot. Couple days later she sends me a message on WhatsApp she wanted to give me something in return and she wanted to go out for a dinner. I told this to my exBPD and she was super mad, why would she I asked my self since she didn't give a damn about me.

Now my exBPD was trying to emotional blackmail me, she wrote on her Facebook that she's going to commit suicide. I was worried so I tried to contact her, she didn't respond at all. The next day she pretended like nothing had happened. I knew she was playing games and trying to manipulate me. I got upset and send her a message I told her "if you want to commit suicide its fine with me, do it. I don't care". For me this and all the other BS she pulled on me was enough to start to hate her. During this period we were BU.

I started to ignore my exBPD and the other girl told me that she want's to know me better. After a while I decided to give her a change because I was single and I hated my exBPD AND the rs was over. My exBPD kept begging for attention on Facebook, she posted some lame clip on my wall to get my attention. I just ignored it, later she deleted it. She wrote me a enormous message that the she wants to break up. For me the relation was already over. I knew she wanted to manipulate me again. I told her the truth. I told her that I don't care about her anymore, I told her I don't want to see or have sex with you. I told her I'm going to date with the other girl. I even thanked her for threatening me like **** because of her behavior I have met this other girl. After this she blocked me from her Facebook, this was a huge slap in her face because she expected the opposite.

I kept dating this new girl, once I told her about my exBPD then she told me about BPD. That's how I found about BPD. I decided to get rid of everything that reminds me of my exBPD. I unblocked her number and texted her, I told her I'm going to return all the presents she gave me because whenever I look at them I'm only feeling more hate towards her. She told me that's a rude thing to do. Couple days later I went to the new girl, on my way I saw my exBPD she looked very awful, unattractive, unhealthy she was in a very VERY bad shape. I knew she never expected all of this, she was used to it that the guys she played these games with would beg her and cry.

Once she told me that she had a boyfriend she dumped him. He kept begging her. She invited him to her place she told me that she told him that if he wants her back he needs to beg her on his knees. She told me he went crying on his knees and begging her. After this she laughed and kicked him out of her place. She thought I would the same, instead I gave her the one finger salute. That's what hit her so hard, that's the reason why she looked so bad. She failed, and I defeated her. I beat her at her own games.

So I couldn't believe it was her I decided to text her. She replied with some bs. I told her again that I'm going to return her all her crappy presents which she gave me. Couple days later I send them back, I texted her that I did it because they remind me of her. She started a flame nuke. This time I had enough and told her a couple things she'll never forget. I told her that I hate her with my entire heart and soul, I told her whenever I'm looking at this new girl I realize that you're and always be a loser  you will never ever achieve anything positive in your life, I told her I can't believe I used to love you, you're the most disgusting person I ever met in my life, I told her that she needs to get a life and that I know she's a borderliner. And then I blocked her number.

I also knew she's been painting me black, she had been telling people many lies about me. For one I know she had been lying about me she told a couple friends of her that I have ties to an organized crime organization rofl. I really can't image how she made this lie up  

Am I haunting her? I think I do. Most pwBPD are very selfish and see themselves as the number one. If someone gives them an another feeling they will be very upset and depressed. Even when she was with me she still told me she had feelings for her exbf and that she loved him. He did haunt her so I will do too. I bet your exBPD will too.

[Reecer1588]

Will you ever haunt her?

Yes, that’s one reason we need to be replaced quickly.  PwBPD are vessels of guilt, often scurrying to another in order to (attempt) to forget the last.  

We know too much, and have often seen the real them.  They are ashamed, and feel beneath us - but it’s the last thing they’ll admit.  They know they betrayed us, or couldn’t live up to our expectations ... .and as much as we might feel they were the one that got away - the truth is - we’re the ones that got away

They can’t do love, must know by now that we can, thus will both envy and miss their time with us.  If you want a semblance of revenge, you’ve got it; they will forever want something that will always elude them.  You may be one of several, but you’ll not be forgotten... .

PS - I'll often answer before reading 'everyone's answers' (as I often lose track of my own thoughts... .) - but I also agree with the post above, so "Yes & No" ... .

For reference, I was my ex's first serious, intimate relationship as well as her first sexual partner. In addition, according to my connection, she has no replacement and at some point went to counseling and may or may not still be in therapy.

My ex certainly isn't 'severe' on the BPD spectrum. At least not at 19.

[Reecer1588]

I think you will, I can relate to this. This is my experience:

You know me and my exBPD had a rs for 6 months. We broke up like 14 times. Once when we broke up I went to visit a bar, I met an another girl. Later we exchanged phone numbers. Two weeks later me and my exBPD got together again, the rs was very unstable. At this period I got very depressed, this had nothing to do with my rs. I started to talk with the other girl and she had helped me a lot. My exBPD knew I was depressed and she didn't even care about me. So I knew this rs was almost at the end.

My exBPD kept acting like a witch so I started to hate her. I started to talk more with the new girl. Me and my exBPD had a fight and we broke up. At this time I started to know this new girl better. I had to go to my home land to retrieve and sign a couple official documents. I told my exBPD I was leaving the country for a while and she didn't care she didn't even reply. The other girl however did talk to me and wished me a safe trip, since she helped me out I asked her if I can get something for her. She wanted a dress so I bought it for her. Later when I got back I gave it to her she wanted to pay me I refused and told her to see it as a gift since she helped me a lot. Couple days later she sends me a message on WhatsApp she wanted to give me something in return and she wanted to go out for a dinner. I told this to my exBPD and she was super mad, why would she I asked my self since she didn't give a damn about me.

Now my exBPD was trying to emotional blackmail me, she wrote on her Facebook that she's going to commit suicide. I was worried so I tried to contact her, she didn't respond at all. The next day she pretended like nothing had happened. I knew she was playing games and trying to manipulate me. I got upset and send her a message I told her "if you want to commit suicide its fine with me, do it. I don't care". For me this and all the other BS she pulled on me was enough to start to hate her. During this period we were BU.

I started to ignore my exBPD and the other girl told me that she want's to know me better. After a while I decided to give her a change because I was single and I hated my exBPD AND the rs was over. My exBPD kept begging for attention on Facebook, she posted some lame clip on my wall to get my attention. I just ignored it, later she deleted it. She wrote me a enormous message that the she wants to break up. For me the relation was already over. I knew she wanted to manipulate me again. I told her the truth. I told her that I don't care about her anymore, I told her I don't want to see or have sex with you. I told her I'm going to date with the other girl. I even thanked her for threatening me like **** because of her behavior I have met this other girl. After this she blocked me from her Facebook, this was a huge slap in her face because she expected the opposite.

I kept dating this new girl, once I told her about my exBPD then she told me about BPD. That's how I found about BPD. I decided to get rid of everything that reminds me of my exBPD. I unblocked her number and texted her, I told her I'm going to return all the presents she gave me because whenever I look at them I'm only feeling more hate towards her. She told me that's a rude thing to do. Couple days later I went to the new girl, on my way I saw my exBPD she looked very awful, unattractive, unhealthy she was in a very VERY bad shape. I knew she never expected all of this, she was used to it that the guys she played these games with would beg her and cry.

Once she told me that she had a boyfriend she dumped him. He kept begging her. She invited him to her place she told me that she told him that if he wants her back he needs to beg her on his knees. She told me he went crying on his knees and begging her. After this she laughed and kicked him out of her place. She thought I would the same, instead I gave her the one finger salute. That's what hit her so hard, that's the reason why she looked so bad. She failed, and I defeated her. I beat her at her own games.

So I couldn't believe it was her I decided to text her. She replied with some bs. I told her again that I'm going to return her all her crappy presents which she gave me. Couple days later I send them back, I texted her that I did it because they remind me of her. She started a flame nuke. This time I had enough and told her a couple things she'll never forget. I told her that I hate her with my entire heart and soul, I told her whenever I'm looking at this new girl I realize that you're and always be a loser  you will never ever achieve anything positive in your life, I told her I can't believe I used to love you, you're the most disgusting person I ever met in my life, I told her that she needs to get a life and that I know she's a borderliner. And then I blocked her number.

I also knew she's been painting me black, she had been telling people many lies about me. For one I know she had been lying about me she told a couple friends of her that I have ties to an organized crime organization rofl. I really can't image how she made this lie up  

Am I haunting her? I think I do. Most pwBPD are very selfish and see themselves as the number one. If someone gives them an another feeling they will be very upset and depressed. Even when she was with me she still told me she had feelings for her exbf and that she loved him. He did haunt her so I will do too. I bet your exBPD will too.

You have my personal gratitude for writing that whole story out. It's exactly the kind of thing I look for and I appreciate it. Thanks

[Trog]

I want to know. I just want to know so much! From y'alls experience, tell me, will I ever haunt her like she does me? Will thoughts of me ever be so much to bear that she will have to reach out to me just to relieve it?

and I am sorry that this is the third post I've made today but it's been an incredibly hard day for me and I am just reaching my hand out for support

Will I ever haunt this evil being?

For 5 minutes on a wet Wednesday afternoon in 2019, probably, and you'll probably get a text too as she's out of supply. Be aware, this isn't the culmination of 4 years of pining, instead she'll have an emotional need to fulfill and you will her tampon.

I've seen my ex going thru her exes while we were together, reaching out cos she felt suicidal and 30 mins later, she laughing and joking with me at the pub.

I know it's hard to see, they're not evil, they're 3. They're not fully developed adults, their behaviour comes across as evil to us because we expect them to show respect and own their shiv as we have too. Time to get a new idea. Try getting a toddler to own their shiv, they're more likely to play with it!

They are not wired like we are, they're just not, it's like getting angry at a dog for barking, BPD be BPD and there's nothing more we can do, except alter our expectations. You're gonna be p.o'ed for sometime yet. It takes time.

[valet]

For reference, I was my ex's first serious, intimate relationship as well as her first sexual partner. In addition, according to my connection, she has no replacement and at some point went to counseling and may or may not still be in therapy.

My ex certainly isn't 'severe' on the BPD spectrum. At least not at 19.

Hey Reecer, thanks for sharing. The aftermath of a relationship with a pwBPD is a very difficult experience to go through.

We've all been there, and it sucks.

I want to ask you an important question. You seem to place a lot of emphasis on the idea that you were the 'first everything' for your ex. I think that this logic is holding you back. I was a lot of 'first' things for my ex as well (first very serious relationship; first guy to live with her; first guy to move to a different city with her; first guy that was close to her family; etc.), but these things do not change anything about her personality.

Do you think that you're letting this 'first' mentality affect your judgements about her, thus lending a cruel sense of false hope to your own healing?

[Reecer1588]

For reference, I was my ex's first serious, intimate relationship as well as her first sexual partner. In addition, according to my connection, she has no replacement and at some point went to counseling and may or may not still be in therapy.

My ex certainly isn't 'severe' on the BPD spectrum. At least not at 19.

Hey Reecer, thanks for sharing. The aftermath of a relationship with a pwBPD is a very difficult experience to go through.

We've all been there, and it sucks.

I want to ask you an important question. You seem to place a lot of emphasis on the idea that you were the 'first everything' for your ex. I think that this logic is holding you back. I was a lot of 'first' things for my ex as well (first very serious relationship; first guy to live with her; first guy to move to a different city with her; first guy that was close to her family; etc.), but these things do not change anything about her personality.

Do you think that you're letting this 'first' mentality affect your judgements about her, thus lending a cruel sense of false hope to your own healing?

Well, yes. To be perfectly honest, and there's no point in lying. I'm hoping that as her first serious attachment maybe she'll come back when she sees the difference between the way I treat her and care about her versus someone else.

[BorisAcusio]

For 5 minutes on a wet Wednesday afternoon in 2019, probably, and you'll probably get a text too as she's out of supply. Be aware, this isn't the culmination of 4 years of pining, instead she'll have an emotional need to fulfill and you will her tampon.

I've seen my ex going thru her exes while we were together, reaching out cos she felt suicidal and 30 mins later, she laughing and joking with me at the pub.

That's true, Trog. PwBPD are known for their use of other people as if they were inanimate to serve a self-regulating, soothing function, to be used as the toddler uses a teddy bear. When things goes wrong in their life, they reach out for objects that were rewarding in the past. If the supply is unavailable, then they spin the wheel further until someone reacts. A message sent, a call is placed, and the tension released. Reading too much into these attempts is one of the main source of pain in the aftermath.

A self-aware BPD sufferer from psychcentral described it as:

However, I'm a relationship hopper so once I find a new person, the last relationship fades into oblivion. Most of my ex's I want nothing to do with. Last week In a moment of weakness, I decided to call up my ex before the most recent one who I hadn't talked to in maybe 6 months. We used to talk for hours every day and I was convinced he was my first real love and I thought about being a family with him and his kids. When I talked to him, I couldn't wait to get off of the phone. He seemed boring and stupid and it was so annoying. Most shocking, I felt nothing hearing his voice. This was something like 8 months after professing my love and then bawling my eyes out after he broke up with me.

www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic141035.html#p1453077

[Trog]

For 5 minutes on a wet Wednesday afternoon in 2019, probably, and you'll probably get a text too as she's out of supply. Be aware, this isn't the culmination of 4 years of pining, instead she'll have an emotional need to fulfill and you will her tampon.

I've seen my ex going thru her exes while we were together, reaching out cos she felt suicidal and 30 mins later, she laughing and joking with me at the pub.

That's true, Trog. PwBPD are known for their use of other people as if they were inanimate to serve a self-regulating, soothing function, to be used as the toddler uses a teddy bear. When things goes wrong in their life, they reach out for objects that were rewarding in the past. If the supply is unavailable, then they spin the wheel further until someone reacts. A message sent, a call is placed, and the tension released. Reading too much into these attempts are one of the main source of pain in the aftermath.

From psychcentral:

However, I'm a relationship hopper so once I find a new person, the last relationship fades into oblivion. Most of my ex's I want nothing to do with. Last week In a moment of weakness, I decided to call up my ex before the most recent one who I hadn't talked to in maybe 6 months. We used to talk for hours every day and I was convinced he was my first real love and I thought about being a family with him and his kids. When I talked to him, I couldn't wait to get off of the phone. He seemed boring and stupid and it was so annoying. Most shocking, I felt nothing hearing his voice. This was something like 8 months after professing my love and then bawling my eyes out after he broke up with me.

Niiiiice! Seriously all, this is the reality of BPD, personally, me, I don't like being used as an emotional dildo. Where we go wrong as Nons, as Boris says, is projecting our feelings and beliefs into them. Thinking the contact is genuine and heartfelt. It's not. Ive seen it first hand.

A few months ago my ex reached out to me desperate to hear my voice. Really glad I never obliged!

[UserName69]

For reference, I was my ex's first serious, intimate relationship as well as her first sexual partner. In addition, according to my connection, she has no replacement and at some point went to counseling and may or may not still be in therapy.

My ex certainly isn't 'severe' on the BPD spectrum. At least not at 19.

Hey Reecer, thanks for sharing. The aftermath of a relationship with a pwBPD is a very difficult experience to go through.

We've all been there, and it sucks.

I want to ask you an important question. You seem to place a lot of emphasis on the idea that you were the 'first everything' for your ex. I think that this logic is holding you back. I was a lot of 'first' things for my ex as well (first very serious relationship; first guy to live with her; first guy to move to a different city with her; first guy that was close to her family; etc.), but these things do not change anything about her personality.

Do you think that you're letting this 'first' mentality affect your judgements about her, thus lending a cruel sense of false hope to your own healing?

Well, yes. To be perfectly honest, and there's no point in lying. I'm hoping that as her first serious attachment maybe she'll come back when she sees the difference between the way I treat her and care about her versus someone else.

She is going to see the differce, pwBPD always seem to keep things from their previous relationships as a trophy.

I took my exBPD always out for a dinner date, when I stayed at her place I always supplied food because she didn't had much. Sometimes she didn't eat for a couple days if she had money she would spend it on beer and cigarettes.

I know for sure she is missing it now, I know that if she's going to have an another guy in her life she's going to realise what she had lost.

[valet]

Well, yes. To be perfectly honest, and there's no point in lying. I'm hoping that as her first serious attachment maybe she'll come back when she sees the difference between the way I treat her and care about her versus someone else.

I understand that point of view. I was in the same place for a while too.

You have to look at it this way, though: She will not be the same person that you met, and neither will you, if you ever see her again.

Do you want to live your life in stasis hoping that she'll come back and find something that she already left appealing?

Usually in relationships, if people reconcile it's because both of them have changed significantly and find the 'new' version of their former lover(s) appealing in new ways. If you continue this longing, you will eliminate any perceived chance of any kind of reconciliation. You cannot perceive a chance when the facts suggest that there is none. It is not healthy, and it is delaying your progress. I know it is difficult. I know that it is sad and that it totally sucks, and that we, as people with former BPD partners, have a whole ton of issues to sort through in the aftermath. There are certain realities that we must confront, however. You have done a good job so far, but keep fighting.

Work on yourself, eliminate any and all remaining triggers of her that you may have. I hate to sound cold here, but she is dead. The girl that you loved is dead, and that version of her that you love is never coming back. Don't long for something that doesn't exist. You'll drive yourself mad.

[Hadlee]

You have to look at it this way, though: She will not be the same person that you met, and neither will you, if you ever see her again.

That is so very true. 

[Reecer1588]

It would seem there's not a real consensus on the original question here.

[Hadlee]

It would seem there's not a real consensus on the original question here.

I don't know if this is any help... .

My xBPD BFF was paving the way to split with her long term bf for over a year before she finally broke up with him.  During that time, we had a number of conversations where she would complain about him.  As soon as I would mention 'breaking up' with him, her face would go white and she would would say, "I can't think about that right now.  I just can't deal with that now."  I saw the panic in her eyes and the fear. 

To me... .she was haunted

[Reecer1588]

It would seem there's not a real consensus on the original question here.

I don't know if this is any help... .

My xBPD BFF was paving the way to split with her long term bf for over a year before she finally broke up with him.  :)uring that time, we had a number of conversations where she would complain about him.  As soon as I would mention 'breaking up' with him, her face would go white and she would would say, "I can't think about that right now.  I just can't deal with that now."  I saw the panic in her eyes and the fear.  

To me... .she was haunted

Idk if this is along that same line, but my friend, who had a class with her at college and studied with her, tried to bring me up in conversation with her once a couple months ago ... .her response (as he has told me) "I'm in therapy, and you're his friend so I do not want to talk to you about it." And my friend did not pursue the conversation further. I don't know what that means if anything, but there ya go.

[disillusionedandsore]

And couldn't you take the same approach? Set the boundary that the ex or your relationship is not up for discussion outside of a therapy room or close family or these boards here?

I understand yearning and wishing for things to be different I truly do... .you are feeling terribly rejected,  confronted with your own worst fear no doubt... .Look here... .Look to this wound,  she rejected you,  she keeps rejecting you... .All you, ( I assume) ,  want,  is to be accepted,  to be back in her arms again bathed in her admiration of you... .we've all been there. Rejection throws up every insecurity we may have about ourselves being okay,  being lovable,  being worthy,  being effective... .She is not the person to soothe this... .Do you know who's job it is now to take care of this? 

[StarOfTheSea]

If your exBPD talked about their exes as much as mine did, then yes, they're haunted. My exBPDbf would bring up his exes constantly. I think there two reasons for it: he was trying to make me jealous (triangulation) and they were on his mind, mainly because the r/s's never lasted long enough for him to get out of the idealization phase.

[Reecer1588]

And couldn't you take the same approach? Set the boundary that the ex or your relationship is not up for discussion outside of a therapy room or close family or these boards here?

I understand yearning and wishing for things to be different I truly do... .you are feeling terribly rejected,  confronted with your own worst fear no doubt... .Look here... .Look to this wound,  she rejected you,  she keeps rejecting you... .All you, ( I assume) ,  want,  is to be accepted,  to be back in her arms again bathed in her admiration of you... .we've all been there. Rejection throws up every insecurity we may have about ourselves being okay,  being lovable,  being worthy,  being effective... .She is not the person to soothe this... .Do you know who's job it is now to take care of this?  

You're the first person to ever mention it like that, but, yes, I could set up that boundary. That would be an excellent boundary, trying to compartmentalize this thing into this site and therapy. Well, I know it's my job to soothe myself, but I'm no good at doing it.


You know what, I'm going to try and do this. I am going to try to shrink this thing down... .compartmentalize the problem. I won't be able to eliminate it for some time, but if I can just shrink it down to this site, the people I talk to on this site, and counseling... .maybe that would really help!

And to be honest I don't know what I would rather have if I had the choice, the indirect contact that others on this site have, which validates during the silence that they're exes are still watching, or what I have, no definite proof and no evidence of that. Complete nothingness.

[Reecer1588]

If your exBPD talked about their exes as much as mine did, then yes, they're haunted. My exBPDbf would bring up his exes constantly. I think there two reasons for it: he was trying to make me jealous (triangulation) and they were on his mind, mainly because the r/s's never lasted long enough for him to get out of the idealization phase.

Thank you for sharing that with me, much appreciated.

[disillusionedandsore]

Yes silence is a deadly weapon... .No closure for us... .Rather than taking it as further 'proof' that you are somehow responsible for the way she feels... .Maybe look at it as a very scared person,  someone who obviously if she is in therapy,  realises all is not well with HER! At least she is reaching out for professional help of some kind... .Who knows what might come out of this... .Not to give you false hope... .But further down the road if she gained some insight... .You never know she might reach out to you... .Now before you go jumping up and down   my two exs when they did attempt to make amends,  acknowledge their part,  goofed it up so bad... .Minimised the hurt,  added more blame my way and failed to ever ask me or acknowledge what I had gone through... .It's the lack of empathy thing again... .Even when they tried,  it was clear they didn't 'get it'... .Hard for them to put themselves in another's shoes... .I think it's called being "wired differently".

Im glaf you have a plan going forward (to comparmentalise this). It sounds like a smart way to protect yourself and build security again.  Good luck 

[FannyB]

They don't forget their exes, but then can move swiftly on to their next fix. As you were her first love she's bound to remember you! As to whether you haunt her - I'd say almost certainly not at the moment. But give it 5 - 10 years, when you're happily married to Mrs Reecer, pound to a penny the 'haunting' will start then! 

[Trog]

If your exBPD talked about their exes as much as mine did, then yes, they're haunted. My exBPDbf would bring up his exes constantly. I think there two reasons for it: he was trying to make me jealous (triangulation) and they were on his mind, mainly because the r/s's never lasted long enough for him to get out of the idealization phase.

Mine brought up her exes all the time too, and she thought about all of them a lot, but it depends what the OP wants, it won't stop them going on and finding new supply after new supply and it won't make them look at their own behaviour.

She, she will think and lament and maybe sometimes feel really upset, but it will be fleeting, it won't be the kind of 'haunting' that we go through. She will likely contact you, but again, not cos she has been haunted for 4 years, just because she needs an insta-fix between beds!

[bunnyrabit]

If your exBPD talked about their exes as much as mine did, then yes, they're haunted. My exBPDbf would bring up his exes constantly.

This is my experience as well. She had 2 exes she would constantly bring up and keep in contact with. One's the father of her child and the other one's the guy before me. It seems like what she wants is to keep an ever expending harem of men that fulfill her needs in one way or another and that she can cycle through at will.

Makes sense in BPD land as it would eliminate real intimacy from the relationship and would allow her to relive the honeymoon phase over and over, and when even that gets boring she can simply add a new item to the supply carousel.

In reality of course this leaves her with nothing as no half decent guy would want to be part of such an arrangement, especially when it's initially not sold to them like that.

So haunting? No, not in the sense of being miserable on her own, pining over one particular person, no way.

[FannyB]

As I've said before - reading their message boards is most illuminating. The truth will set you free. however painful it is.

That's assuming one wants to be set free of course.  

[sirensong65]

If your exBPD talked about their exes as much as mine did, then yes, they're haunted. My exBPDbf would bring up his exes constantly. I think there two reasons for it: he was trying to make me jealous (triangulation) and they were on his mind, mainly because the r/s's never lasted long enough for him to get out of the idealization phase.

This resonates for me.  My Ex not only talked about his exes quite a bit in the beginning, but made sure I knew who they were on FB.  Of course, they were all crazy or monsters, with the exception of the one girl who broke off with him first... .he had nothing but good to say about her.

I'm sure he thought of me at first.  But now he is going on a year with a woman that is truly CLASSLESS trashy s he is and she is also, like him, Bi Polar.  Their relationship is a freaking roller coaster of drama that she posts n a public blog blow by blow... .nothing is left out.  and I can see clearly why when he left me he said, "I can't be myself when I am with you".  he is at home with this loser and I say unpack and set up shop, Mister.  I wouldn't take you back if you came with a million dollar check.

[Hadlee]

A self-aware BPD sufferer from psychcentral described it as:

However, I'm a relationship hopper so once I find a new person, the last relationship fades into oblivion. Most of my ex's I want nothing to do with. Last week In a moment of weakness, I decided to call up my ex before the most recent one who I hadn't talked to in maybe 6 months. We used to talk for hours every day and I was convinced he was my first real love and I thought about being a family with him and his kids. When I talked to him, I couldn't wait to get off of the phone. He seemed boring and stupid and it was so annoying. Most shocking, I felt nothing hearing his voice. This was something like 8 months after professing my love and then bawling my eyes out after he broke up with me.

www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic141035.html#p1453077

I'm not convinced the above statement is a true 'fact' of how all pwBPD view their ex partners.  That is just one persons account, and there is no indication of how the previous relationship ended.  One size does not fit all.  

I've been there when my xBPD friend has spoken badly of her exbf and said how annoying he is.  But... .the words do not match the body language and the emotion behind it.  Regardless of what my BPD says, I know she suffered hurt and is filled with shame.  

Also, in a relationship with a non, it would be fairly normal to have moved on after 8 months.  And it's certainly not uncommon to wonder why we were ever attracted to our previous partners.  I know I have wondered that about one of mine after I've spoken to him again

[Mutt]

Hi Reecer,

You've been broken up for just over 3 months? I can understand thinking about what you meant to your ex. I can relate. I often thought of what I meant because of how little sympathy and empathy she displayed at the end of the r/s and post break-up with her actions.

I was split black for about two years and one way you can look at it is that I meant something to her. A pwBPD will push away people that they care about most and I did find validation that way.

Do I haunt her? I certainly think that a pwBPD have difficulties processing grief. I do know that I'm likely the best person that she let go. I also needed the experience to become a better person and lessons I take with me moving forward. I can say I learned a lot about relationships and the role I played. I want a relationship that is reciprocal and not one where I"m enmeshed, make the person feel better by way of being a receptacle for negative feelings. I think you need more time behind you. You may think differently later and it may mean less that you're on her mind.

[BorisAcusio]

I'm not convinced the above statement is a true 'fact' of how all pwBPD view their ex partners.  That is just one persons account, and there is no indication of how the previous relationship ended.  One size does not fit all.  

You're right, one size does not fit all, but again, it is completely in line with the clinical literature and the anecdotal evidence presented over these boards, also with my personal experience.

[BorisAcusio]

A few months ago my ex reached out to me desperate to hear my voice. Really glad I never obliged!

Kudos to you. Those attempts never work out in the way we hope.

[disillusionedandsore]

I think the key commonality is that they cant remember the shared experiences to value or appreciate them... .Prisoners of the moment... .At least that was the case with my ex,  there was no 'history' he could connect to... .It was fragmented facts devoid of emotional memory... .Excruciatingly painful to witness and accept