I'm in a bad way...

[Danie14]

I'm so stressed out... .anxiety... .panic attacks... .hearts racing... .sweating palms... .my mind is in knots... .what's wrong with me? what the hell?

I decided that Friday I was going to talk to him about ending things... .and I couldn't do it... .I tried to start this conversation again Saturday but again I couldn't do it... .what the hells wrong with me?

Why is this so hard? Why... .I don't understand... .I'm digging and digging inside myself to understand why but it's like I can't find anything substantial to hold on to for that real understanding... .*(cuss-word-cuss-word)*

I mean really.

I exasperate myself. I *want* to leave him. I *need* to leave. I KNOW it's the right thing to do... .and yet I hesitate... .

I don't love him. I love him but not like a wife loves a husband. I love him because I care about him and want the best for him. I don't want to hurt him and I know this will hurt him.

Why do I put him above me? Why is his wellbeing and safety more important to me than my own?

I'm digging here people... .thoughts? stories to share? I'm really-really... .REALLY... .struggling here... .and it *shouldn't* be this hard... .

[fromheeltoheal]

There's only so much we can do with a keyboard Danie.  Do you have someone in he real world you can talk to?

What I can offer is do something radically different right now, like run around the block, drive somewhere you don't normally go, whatever, just to shake up your world a little and break the pattern you're in.

[Mutt]

I decided that Friday I was going to talk to him about ending things... .and I couldn't do it... .I tried to start this conversation again Saturday but again I couldn't do it... .what the hells wrong with me?

Are you feeling anxious because you couldn't have the conversation over the weekend? Don't be hard on yourself. I think that breaking-up can be a hard thing to do. I think fromheeltoheal has good advice with re-centering yourself by taking your mind off of things. The weekend has passed? You can try to focus on today and try again later when you're feeling better?

[Danie14]

Yes, I have someone to talk to in real life but I think they're sick of hearing me... .

Yes, I think I'm beating myself up for not having the courage to talk.

[Mutt]

Yes, I have someone to talk to in real life but I think they're sick of hearing me... .

Yes, I think I'm beating myself up for not having the courage to talk.

Fall down 7 times, get up 8. I understand how hard it is when friends or family may mean well and have a hard time identifying how difficult things are when a partner suffers mental illness.

It sounds like you may have ambiguity. Is there a part of you that doesn't want it to end?

[Danie14]

you know that's the thing... .no I don't really want to end but not because I love him but because I think families should stay together... .but that's pretty unrealistic at this point.

So, I have these two very strong perceptions (?) butting up against each other inside myself. 1) families stay together and 2) respect myself. fubar.

In a perfect world... .but this isn't a perfect world... .this is the real world.

[Mutt]

In a perfect world... .but this isn't a perfect world... .this is the real world.

I agree it's not perfect and I do think life is about choices. Do you feel guilt about how your choice may make others feel in your family or friends?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Danie14, I'm a loyal person, too, and took my marriage vows seriously, plus I have kids w/my BPDxW, all of which made leaving incredibly difficult.  Yet in retrospect, I think one's loyalty can be misplaced in a r/s with a pwBPD.  Loyalty is an admirable quality in other contexts, yet in a BPD r/s, commitment can become codependency.

Your first priority is to yourself and the longer you stay in an abusive r/s, the more damage you are doing to yourself.  It is pointless, in my view, to keep trying to help someone who fundamentally does not want to be helped.  To me, it's not about how family or friends may react, it's about what you know deep down is the right path for you.  Listen to your gut feelings . . .

LuckyJim

[Danie14]

No it's not about how other people will react to this... .it's not about them it's me, how I feel about it... .my convictions... .you know?

Yes, Lucky Jim, I think your right there... .loyalty as codependence... .

I think there's quite a bit of FOO in there too. sheesh, even when you don't grow up with one parent they still impact your life in so many ways... .

I'm feeling frozen, to be honest. Frozen in time... .like if I make one move this way or that way everything is going to come crashing down... .& we'll all get squished.

adding: that's just unrealistic of me. It's not MY responsibility to make sure we don't get squished, right? It wouldn't be like this now if it wasn't like that then, right? I didn't start all that crazy I just dealt with it, right?

[Danie14]

Stumbled across this on the internet today... .

“But I always end up coming back to this inevitable truth for me, which is that transitions burn.

They burn the old and therefore it hurts a bit. It is like a shedding of the old self and while the new self is coming and it’s wonderful, there is a painful release of sorts. It is uncomfortable, it is new, it is scary. I realized that I had to accept this burn not as a weakness or a lack of me not being grateful or strong enough to process change, but instead as the WAY of transition.

Transitions have their own way of being, and part of that being means to burn through the old and make way for the new.”

... .these words help me, the understanding helps me... .

[Mutt]

The first step is always the hardest.

[Danie14]

yes... .you know what? I almost feel like I need to grow up... .... .crazy feeling, but yea, that's what's coming to mind... ."Grow up Danie and face the situation, don't ignore and don't pretend"... .sigh... .

Yes, it's hard.

[Lucky Jim]

Why do I put him above me? Why is his wellbeing and safety more important to me than my own?

Hello again, Danie, Agree, you are asking the right questions.  Why do you think you do it?  Destroying yourself is no help to anyone, I would suggest.  I was once frozen, too.  Spent years in suspended animation w/my BPDxW.  I forgot who I was for a while there, which was no fun, believe me.

My suggestion is the same as before: try to listen to your gut feelings.  Immobility stems, in part, from disconnection with one's authentic self.  When you are being true to yourself, the path is much easier to find, in my view.  Become who you are, as Nietzsche says.

Maybe the right path is staying; maybe it is leaving.  Only you know the right path for you.

LuckyJim

[Danie14]

maybe this sounds crazy but how do I know who I really am? How do I know I'm being authentic with myself?

[Mutt]

Hi Danie14,

I didn't start all that crazy I just dealt with it, right?

Do you feel like you're the one that's crazy? I can recall feeling depressed, emotionally exhausted, confused with all of the accusations and blaming and thinking that maybe my wife is right about me. Maybe I am this insensitive, uncaring person that she's describing. Maybe I'm losing my mind?

Do you feel like you're lost in the shuffle because it's always about him?

Is that what you mean?

[Danie14]

Yes, often. Just today he telling me that we had this discussion (son's grades) last week and I know we didn't... .or at least I think we didn't... .I mean I'm not perfect and could be wrong, right? stuff like that... .all the time... .

We talked about son's math skills and he turns the convo to his math skills... .idk... .dumb and really inconsequential in the big scheme of things but yet the type of convo matters in the long run... .but even more... .the yelling... .the fighting... .was it really all HIS fault? don't I have some responsibility in that too? I didn't have to fight back... .I didn't have to yell back... .even now I can see how silly that reasoning is... .but still... .

[Mutt]

I recall I'd walk in the door after I'd finished work and I felt dread. My wife would say something and I sighed and she'd rage at me for sighing. I was confused and would go on the defensive.

Is he often picking fights and blowing things out of proportion?

[Danie14]

Yes, the dread is awful. it's getting worse.

The thing is that I never know... .it's been good for a while and then it'll be bad and then ok then on top of the world... .then the depths of hell... .

I keep feeling like I'm basing this decision to leave on the past. I'm not a backward thinker and never have been on to wallow in the past. We live we learn. we move on.

how far back does the past go? silly... .all the way back, right? How can I justify (even to myself) doing now what should have been done years ago? is that crazy thinking?

[Mutt]

I can appreciate that you're a forward thinking person and you don't hold accountability in the past.

The thing is that I never know... .it's been good for a while and then it'll be bad and then ok then on top of the world... .then the depths of hell... .

Are the good times becoming shorter, the bad times getting longer?

[Lucky Jim]

maybe this sounds crazy but how do I know who I really am? How do I know I'm being authentic with myself?

No, it doesn't sound crazy.  I was in your shoes once.  As I wrote above, "I forgot who I was for a while there . . . "

No one else can really appreciate what it is like to be on the inside of a BPD r/s, I'm afraid, with the exception of those on this Board and some talented professionals, because it is way outside the realm of what most people have experienced.  It takes a toll on the Non, one of which is the loss of self, in my view.  So I understand if you have forgotten who you really are.  I sure did.

Yet there was always this pilot light on the back burner of my figurative stove, so I definitely think it's possible to re-connect w/oneself, but it requires effort on your part.  It's a journey towards authenticity and personal freedom.

In the meantime, suggest you do some thinking from the neck down.  Check your gut to see if you're being authentic.  Try to find out what is in your heart.

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

I recall I'd walk in the door after I'd finished work and I felt dread.

Same here.  I didn't relish returning home to another confrontation, which became more frequent as time went on.  I was having job problems at the same and could only relax while commuting to and from work!  Walking through a mine field on a regular basis gets exhausting . . .

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Danie14,

You have members here that felt exactly like how you felt and have come out the other side.

[Danie14]

Are the good times becoming shorter, the bad times getting longer?

You know... .I don't know... .it really varies a lot... .right now he's probably scared as hell so is on his best behavior and if I let my guard down it'll only get worse again... .I'm sure of it.

But even more I'm at the point of... .well, you know I heard once that if the good times outweigh the bad times... .but anymore I'm thinking Why am I even doing a balancing between the two? If I'm keeping score then I'm keeping score, right?

You have members here that felt exactly like how you felt and have come out the other side.

Thank you.

[Mutt]

Why am I even doing a balancing between the two?

Maybe because your partner is making you feel on edge?