BPD and business travel

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPD colleague will soon be traveling for business and will stay abroad for two months, ... .without me, without being able to control me at work. I suspect that she's not too excited about it (she pretends she is) because she's fond of me in an unusual way, which leads me to believe that at some point (either before the trip or while she's there) an episode (most likely devaluation) might be coming my way. What has been your experience when they had to travel without you?

[AmyAlways]

My BPD colleague will soon be traveling for business and will stay abroad for two months, ... .without me, without being able to control me at work. I suspect that she's not too excited about it (she pretends she is) because she's fond of me in an unusual way, which leads me to believe that at some point (either before the trip or while she's there) an episode (most likely devaluation) might be coming my way. What has been your experience when they had to travel without you?

[tortuga]

In my experience, when I've had to travel, I always return to some mind-blowingly-crazy impulsive thing.  Last time, after we had discussed-to-death, the idea of remodeling the kitchen (imo - was not necessary, we couldn't afford it, leave it alone), I was gone for 1 week, and she had torn out the countertops and cabinets, saying she tried to get it done as a surprise for me by the time I got back.  It took over a year to finish the project, and we're still in debt from that.

When she travels - she usually pulls something infidelity-related. Though that has not been the case as far as I know, for the past 5 years, since the last blowup, and I showed her I was serious about leaving.

Bottom line: if I am not physically in her presence, she feels lonely and empty, and internally, blames me for "not being around" and then uses that to justify impulsive crazy behavior.

[an0ught]

My BPD colleague will soon be traveling for business and will stay abroad for two months, ... .without me, without being able to control me at work. I suspect that she's not too excited about it (she pretends she is) because she's fond of me in an unusual way, which leads me to believe that at some point (either before the trip or while she's there) an episode (most likely devaluation) might be coming my way. What has been your experience when they had to travel without you?

Distance is often a good support to restore some basic boundaries. As distance gives you some breathing space you may want to check out the workshops on

- validating communication - her being away allows more carefully structured communication from your side and injecting now a healthy dose of validation will be helping you to deal with her in general.

- boundaries - think where you want to break her control in a targeted manner. She has a need and rights to influence some stuff. For other stuff you need control as you suffer consequences when things go wrong. Read up on boundaries.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AmyAlways,

"out of sight, out of mind" is inapplicable to a pwBPD, in my experience.

Instead, that's when the fear of abandonment kicks in, which often leads to acting out in some way.  I think you are right to foresee storm clouds on the horizon, which is where boundaries come in, as anOught suggests.

LuckyJim

[AnalogGuy]

Bottom line: if I am not physically in her presence, she feels lonely and empty, and internally, blames me for "not being around" and then uses that to justify impulsive crazy behavior.

yes yes yes yes.  My experience exactly.  OP, I suspect you will be in for a surprising interaction when she returns.

[janpiet]

WOW, this is all so true, and im actually happy reading all this stuff here. I had problems with my girlfriend, but at the same time a very important bussines trip abroad as well, so i thought: good timing! Ill be away for ``just`` 4 days, let her cool down a bit and we take it from there... .Found out she slept with another guy while I  was abroad, ``you left me alone`` , ``you pushed me to do this``,``its also your mistake`` , ``i felt very alone and unhappy`` Im  shocked with who she done it, they really dont have standards when they feel like this... .everyone in the room who just gives them attention has a good shot... .I really felt bad for a while because I got blamed for everything, and you start to doubt yourself... .Maybe I should have stayed and fix our personal problems, was i so selfish that bussines was more important? But now after I finally know she has BPD and reading these stories here, I know it was not about me, nor was it about this other guy, it was all about her and her issues.