exBPD Says She's Calling an Attorney

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We are not married and live far from each other. We have no children. I have made no threats. She is, however, separated.

There has been a hot and steamy romance but nothing that was not consensual. I have a load of her material that she has sent me.

Is this just a feeble attempt to get attention? She has been talking about getting an attorney against her husband and is perhaps using this as a tool to intimidate me.

I've had not return her calls in two weeks.

Thoughts?

[WhatJustHappened?]

We are not married and live far from each other. We have no children. I have made no threats. She is, however, separated.

There has been a hot and steamy romance but nothing that was not consensual. I have a load of her material that she has sent me.

Is this just a feeble attempt to get attention? She has been talking about getting an attorney against her husband and is perhaps using this as a tool to intimidate me.

I've had not return her calls in two weeks.

Thoughts?

[Suzn]

Calling an attorney on you? What's her reasoning behind this if so?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

No way to know for sure, but I can tell you my UxBPDbf threatened everything he could think of to get me to contact him:  suicide, jail, my reputation, my home, my kids, etc.  I held firm to NO response was NO response and that I would deal with whatever consequences showed up if and when they showed up. 

My experience says to ignore this just as you have been the last two weeks.  And forever more.  Otherwise, you have just taught her that in order to hear from you she must threaten or, heaven forbid, pursue legal action.  If she does so then you can hear it from her attorney who is, presumably, a better source of info than she is.

Just my two cents.  These things are so ridiculous but I was told if I "quit putting the food out, he'd quit coming around."  It took a long time and a LOT of no response on my part, but he sure comes around a LOT less. 

Gavin de Becker (The Gift of Fear) says "waiting and watching" is a very good, conscious strategy.  We can always "engage and enrage" later but once we've done that it is very hard to go back to waiting and watching.

IF you think you really need to pursue the legal angle with her, I would hire an attorney yourself to reach out to her on your behalf.  That way YOU do not need to contact her personally and don't reinforce her bad behavior.  However, this may fall in the "engage and enrage" category that escalates it to a place that might not have otherwise happened. 

This is where your insight into her and trusting your gut is very important. 

Hang in there! 

[WhatJustHappened?]

Calling an attorney on you? What's her reasoning behind this if so?

She didn't say. She just said she wanted to give me heads up on the possibility of an attorney contacting me.

[Suzn]

I see. It sounds more like she wants to involve you in her drama than intimidate you. Maybe letting you know she has ended things with the ex? Can you think of any reason a wise divorce attorney would want to involve another man in divorce proceeding? I'm assuming divorce was the goal?

[WhatJustHappened?]

I see. It sounds more like she wants to involve you in her drama than intimidate you. Maybe letting you know she has ended things with the ex? Can you think of any reason a wise divorce attorney would want to involve another man in divorce proceeding? I'm assuming divorce was the goal?

Yes, divorce is the goal. She knows I am an anxious person and phrased the message to sound just enough for me to take notice but still not enough to be threatening.

She also left the message on a number that she knew I could not answer during my work day.

She picked her words very carefully "giving you a heads up that there a possibility an attorney may be contacting you". No mention of the reason for the call obviously.

Any advice?

[Suzn]

I can't imagine why a divorce attorney would want to include you in divorce proceedings thus proving she had an affair. Can you? An attorney would be wiser than that.

And unless you receive a subpoena you can choose to ignore calls from an attorney. Which would probably be in your best interest anyway. Attorneys rarely make phone calls, they tend to send letters. From what you said originally, it doesn't sound like you have anything to be concerned about.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I see. It sounds more like she wants to involve you in her drama than intimidate you. Maybe letting you know she has ended things with the ex? Can you think of any reason a wise divorce attorney would want to involve another man in divorce proceeding? I'm assuming divorce was the goal?

I can't imagine why a divorce attorney would want to include you in divorce proceedings thus proving she had an affair. Can you? An attorney would be wiser than that.

And unless you receive a subpoena you can choose to ignore calls from an attorney. Which would probably be in your best interest anyway. Attorneys rarely make phone calls, they tend to send letters. From what you said originally, it doesn't sound like you have anything to be concerned about.

With this additional information that she "just wants to give you a heads up," I agree with Suzn.  Sounds like she just wants to involve you in the drama and that you need do nothing unless you hear otherwise from an attorney with legitimate information/grounds.

Stay the course... .NC!

[Turkish]

It sounds like she may just want to use you on her side against her husband. Is there any validity to this? Probably not. Don't validate the invalid. You are only required to answer a summons. Not an inquiry letter or a phone call.  If you do get something like a summons, post to the legal board, ask a question on avvo, and take it to a local attorney for a consult if needed. If it comes from her L/her (as opposed to a court subpoena) without you being properly served, you likely aren't required to answer even then. If you're served by mail, rather than in person, nothing requires that you sign that you were.  

[Mutt]

Is she leaving messages on your voicemail?

[WhatJustHappened?]

Yes, I have the message on my voicemail. There is absolutely nothing I have to say to an attorney or court. I do not know her husband or the situation (only what I've been told which I'm assuming are lies). Neither of us live in a State where punitive actions are taken if a spouse has a relationship during separation. I forget the legal terminology but I believe there are two states where punitive action can be taken for affairs or relationships while two spouse are separating.

In the words of a famous person, "this sucks".

[Mutt]

I'm perplexed and I think others as well. It may show a pattern that she's unstable. I suggest keep a journal and write down dates and times and a note what it's about for quick reference later. I'd record the playback. Just to be on the safe side.

[WhatJustHappened?]

I'm perplexed and I think others as well. It may show a pattern that she's unstable. I suggest keep a journal and write down dates and times and a note what it's about for quick reference later. I'd record the playback. Just to be on the safe side.

May I ask what is perplexing? The voicemail, the wording, the intention or all? Just curious.

Now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense. She wants me to feel intimidated, unsure/agitated and nervous (she knows I have anxiety) and then if she's ever questioned, she can just say that all she meant was that she is moving forward with her divorce and wanted my help.

Have I missed something?

[Mutt]

I'm not sure what her motivation is. If you presented something like that to the police I'm confident they'd be baffled. She doesn't sound stable. My point is you know her best does she have a history with intimidations and threats?

[WhatJustHappened?]

I'm not sure what her motivation is. If you presented something like that to the police I'm confident they'd be baffled. My point is you know her best does she have a history with intimidations and threats?

No, she has never exhibited that behavior towards me. However, she does have a history like many BPDs do, of being vengeful and vindictive to those who she feels have wronged her.

Since I have had no contact with her now for longer than usual, I am probably in this category too.

[UserName69]

We are not married and live far from each other. We have no children. I have made no threats. She is, however, separated.

There has been a hot and steamy romance but nothing that was not consensual. I have a load of her material that she has sent me.

Is this just a feeble attempt to get attention? She has been talking about getting an attorney against her husband and is perhaps using this as a tool to intimidate me.

I've had not return her calls in two weeks.

Thoughts?

I think she said it just to scare you. Even if she did you didn't break any law so even if she sued you she would lose.

When I send back some gifts my exBPD gave me she said I have been stalking her and she's going to the cops. Lol I laughed because I know in court she would be nailed so hard. I also knew she had been spreading lies about me, one of them was that I'm part of an organized crime organization

It seems like all these pwBPD use the same script

[WhatJustHappened?]

Question: Is it better to stay NC versus sending an email stating that I will not be intimidated and wish no further contact so that something is in writing? Perhaps mention that I am keeping a log? My exBPD just needs to move on to a new, shiny toy.

I hate the idea of someone thinking they can bully or intimidate me.

[WhatJustHappened?]

We are not married and live far from each other. We have no children. I have made no threats. She is, however, separated.

There has been a hot and steamy romance but nothing that was not consensual. I have a load of her material that she has sent me.

Is this just a feeble attempt to get attention? She has been talking about getting an attorney against her husband and is perhaps using this as a tool to intimidate me.

I've had not return her calls in two weeks.

Thoughts?

I think she said it just to scare you. Even if she did you didn't break any law so even if she sued you she would lose.

When I send back some gifts my exBPD gave me she said I have been stalking her and she's going to the cops. Lol I laughed because I know in court she would be nailed so hard. I also knew she had been spreading lies about me, one of them was that I'm part of an organized crime organization

It seems like all these pwBPD use the same script

A.) It's hard to sue someone with no assets

B.) My exBPD said that she herself got in the middle (of course not her fault) of a crime syndicate thing. Holy cow!

[enlighten me]

It sounds lije her husband is divorcing her and has probably named you as who she had an affair with. Or it could be that she is wanting you as a character witness to show how he mistreated her.

If its the later then it could backfire in her face especially if you say she told you things but your not sure if you believe her anymore as you believe she is BPD.

I wouldnt worry as there is nothing she can sue you or press charges for.

[WhatJustHappened?]

It sounds lije her husband is divorcing her and has probably named you as who she had an affair with. Or it could be that she is wanting you as a character witness to show how he mistreated her.

If its the later then it could backfire in her face especially if you say she told you things but your not sure if you believe her anymore as you believe she is BPD.

I wouldnt worry as there is nothing she can sue you or press charges for.

Ahhh, that makes sense.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Question: Is it better to stay NC versus sending an email stating that I will not be intimidated and wish no further contact so that something is in writing? Perhaps mention that I am keeping a log? My exBPD just needs to move on to a new, shiny toy.

I hate the idea of someone thinking they can bully or intimidate me.

Stay the NC course.   What is the point of talking to someone to tell them you aren't going to talk to them?  As so many of us experienced with BPD ex's,  actions speak louder than words.   So show her you will not talk to her thru the ACT of not talking to her.

Likewise,  the act of telling her you won't be intimidated or bullied indicates the very opposite:  that  her threat,  in fact,  had an impact.  So don't tip your hand by telling her you won't be intimidated.   

Say nothing but track everything.   Keep all voicemails (voicemailsforever.com is good), txts,  emails.

Show her your strength thru your actions.  Not your words.

[UserName69]

Question: Is it better to stay NC versus sending an email stating that I will not be intimidated and wish no further contact so that something is in writing? Perhaps mention that I am keeping a log? My exBPD just needs to move on to a new, shiny toy.

I hate the idea of someone thinking they can bully or intimidate me.

Keep NC, don't send her anything. She wants your attention, I think she wants to use this situation to get you back just to play with the feelings of her husband. Don't make her troubles yours.

My exBPD asked me once that if she broke up with someone in the future if she could contact me in order to support her. I told you: SAME SCRIPT

[llor]

I've had not return her calls in two weeks.

If I was you, I'd never talk to her again. You get to walk as free man. Keep up the NC, and carry on.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Thanks everyone.