Adult Daughter has BPD/alcoholism and is destroying my life.

[weekapauger]

I am the 68 year old single parent of a 43 year old single daughter and we live together--she is the breadwinner at this time.  We made the decision to live together as she was a good earner and I a good caretaker.  It worked ok for awhile as it was mutually beneficial.  I had been her single caretaker/parent since she was only 9 months.  She had many wonderful traits and we were the best of friends but after committing to too much financially (housing) in 2007, her financial status tumbled and she lost her sense of importance and self esteem.  The drinking went full speed ahead and she has turned into a monster who has morphed into a twisted memory of her childhood.  we have always been enmeshed and I hold myself responsible for allowing that but I was the child of a completely chaotic childhood due to an alcoholic mother and the death of my father (no provider) at an early age.  I was bred to caretake as I wrongly learned that loves comes to you through performance.   I have been sober in AA for forty years - I am not perfect but I do have the concept of understanding my part in the outcome of my life.   I am an advocate of sobriety as alcoholism had ruined my childhood and now my daughter's alcoholism is preventing us from moving forward towards a harmonious place.   I have had a significant other for over thirty years who is a good man but did not want to be remarried as he has three children from his first marriage and he has engulfment/intimacy issues from his childhood from his alcoholic mother.  so I decided to take what is given and let it be enough.  Over the last several years my daughter has become angry at supporting me (I have social security as my only income and do EVERYTHING to run the household, take care of two pets, and keep us both afloat with all administrative responsibilities and housework responsibilities so she can endure a wearing commute and earn the money.   Her mental state has deteriorated to badly that she has become a raging bull each night and it has even led to violence towards me.  I have no place else to live and could not possibly afford to financially stand alone on my income as it is.  I did work and support myself and daughter while she was growing up but never for a company that offered a pension.  There was no money from the divorce from her father as he decided it was "inconvenient" to pay child support so I kept us going with a roof over our heads for decades.  Anyway, living with my daughter has become so painful and intolerable, I walk on eggshells and there is nothing I can say or do that is right.  Ever question she asks me is a trick question and I am cut off from her as she is no longer anyone I recognize.  It does not appear that she sees sobriety as attractive or necessary.   I was the supreme enabler and am now paying for it and she is furious that she has tried to "rescue me" since childhood and feels I am not grateful for it.  I am lonely and she is suffering intolerable pain herself.  She sees a therapist and is lifted for a couple of hours a week but as soon as the booze comes out she deteriorates into a werewolf.  This happens seven days a week and I am isolated socially because I do not want anyone to see this mess we have going.   I she often threatens suicide but has not yet ever tried it but I definitely feel like a hostage and she is so rejection sensitive and fearful of abandonment that she is basically saying "I hate you --don't leave me".  My companion, significant other has overindulged his children who are now adults and subsidizes them because he can and because of his guilt about having to leave their mother when they were young, although he did not financially abandon any of them.   He is blind to the fact that his children have never shown me proper respect and his daughter in particular is in his eyes perfect and the sun shines out of her ass.  She is as cold to me as one could ever be and we do not mix and he cannot accept that she has problems.  He needs to see her as flawless and I feel betrayed as her needs($) and feelings come before mine.  As a result we are not as close as we once were but once I realized that she is the only woman he will ever truly honor my desire for him (physical) slowly died off.  I do love him and he has been a good friend and been a good listener and my rock of Gibralter while I tried to navigate my way through life with my conditions, PTSD, depression, anxiety, recovery, and no claws.    This is a long post and I don't know if anyone will ever read it or respond to it but I am at my wits end.   I am told that even if I had the means to leave her and establish my own apartment again, she would not let me go.   I feel trapped like a hostage because she is dangerous and her thinking has never been so far off the mark.   Thank you for listening.  I will consider this my first step in reaching out.  Revealing my reality feels humiliating.  thank Heaven for anonymity. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

Hello weekapauge,

I don't have any words of wisdom, but want to express my sympathy and concern for you. Is your daughter physically abusive? Do you have a plan to keep you safe? Social services has help for victims of domestic violence. If you are in the US, you can apply for affordable housing for seniors through your local Public Housing Authority.

Do you have a therapist or attend Alanon? You need support to cope. I am 61 and am thinking about how I want to spend the rest of my life. It's led me to weed out some things and relationships while also working on what I want to add to my life. Your post sounds to me like you know what you don't want, so that's a start.

Others will write to you about the helpful information on this site and next steps. I'm so glad you've reached out to folks here. It's a very welcoming, caring group.

Saying a prayer for you and your daughter.

[lbjnltx]

Hi weekapauge,

I'd like to join meantcorn in welcoming you to the site, we are glad to have you here reaching out to be heard and understood.   

I'm concerned about your isolation.  Secrets keep us stuck and shame breeds in the darkness.  Posting here is a good first step and like meantcorn I encourage you to go to Alanon.  Being heard, understood, and walking together with others who are traveling a similar path gives us support, perspective and courage.  We can do that here and Alanon can do that in your physical world.  Being connected to people is necessary for our own existence.

Do you have an understanding of the disorder BPD?  We have excellent resources here to educate ourselves and understand what our children/adult children are going through internally.  When we understand what's happening we are better able to depersonalize the hurtful behaviors and operate from a place of empathy towards our kids and respond in ways that lower the emotional temperature in the relationship which can ease the cycle of conflict.

Education, communication skills, and boundary setting are the tools that empower us to move out of feeling like a victim of this disorder and back to being in charge of our thoughts, feelings, and choices.  They also give us the strength to allow our children the opportunity to do the same.  As long as we are feeling their feelings for them and engaging in the cycle of conflict, protecting them from the truth of their lives, and rescuing them from the fallout we help them stay stuck and we stay right there with them.

This is a process that takes time, patience, practice, commitment and more practice.  The Tools and Lessons to the right of the page are where you will find most all of the information you will need.  The members here will help you through any questions you have and help you learn.  None of us are perfect at any of this, we are all works in progress and hold each other up when we stumble, cheer each other on when we succeed, and value one another because we care.

lbj

[thefixermom]

Hello weekapauger,  I had a lot of feelings and thoughts as I read your post.  First off, I feel for your predicament and the terror and fear and mixed feelings you are experiencing.  We can all identify as we have at some point, or are now, going through such times.  We are often much more free and have more choices than we realize. It just takes some creative thinking.  For instance, while you may not be able to rent an entire apartment for yourself with your income, I'm sure you could at least rent a room or even do a live-in caregiving.  I have thought about eventually renting a room to a retired person in our home, someone who is on a fixed income and would like some company and be able to live in a full size home on a limited budget. Perhaps do some housekeeping trading, too.  I see ads for these things on craigslist as well.  And as you surely know, it is illegal for your daughter to keep you from leaving. You can enlist help as others have suggested from government agencies.  But the bigger question is if you can yourself break the FOG that is keeping you there.  Perhaps you are afraid to leave your daughter alone because of her abandonment issues.  Or maybe you are afraid to be on your own, too.  Or do you feel guilty making a happy life for yourself when your daughter is mired in misery and lost in her drinking addiction.  Would she be forced to take responsibility if you are no longer there?  Or would she attempt suicide?  Big questions.  With regard to your boyfriend, I think it is good that you have arrived to a place of accepting what is vs. what you want it to be.  He may be just as frustrated with your daughter as you are with his.  He has made his priorities crystal clear... .to remain single and dote on his children... .and is under no obligation to change. It is the way he wants it.  The question for you now is, why keep being upset about it and why even resent his daughter?  Because she resents you?  His resentful and possibly spoiled daughter, comes with the package. As does his unwillingness to commit to marriage and put you first.  He is doing what he can live with and as you yourself know, we will sometimes put up with a lot from our own children because of guilt and a hope to repair what has gone on before.   I hope you can chase away the feelings of humility that comes with sharing.  None of us are here because we have lived a stellar life.  We bring with us a history of mistakes, selfishness, abuse and manipulation.  We are looking for answers, and leaning on each other.  One more thing... .I feel like I'm living a punished life sometimes, too, but I know that's not my reality, it's just how my daughter wants me to feel.  The reality is that I have looked at, owned up to, and done my best over the years to restore and repent the errors of my ways.   When I am nice to people, my daughter calls me a phony and says things like, "I know how evil you really are. Other people are fooled by your niceness."  She wants me to live in the shame.  But I have come to see that no good comes from that.  I want to be a light in this world and live an example of forgiveness as well as being forgiven.   My mistakes and selfishness of the past are contributors to who I am today.  They gave me empathy and understanding.  They help me from being self-righteous.  They add to my humbleness (vs humiliation).   They make me appreciate that I'm still here and can smile at others and appreciate the smiles I receive in return.  I want all that for my daughter, too.  But I cannot force it upon her.  And I think you being there as a punching bag for your daughter may be destructive to both of you.  Perhaps you can research a way to leave... .I **KNOW*** it's possible... .and tell your daughter, when she is sober, that you will return once she is clean and sober, too.  Maybe you can go to one of her therapy sessions with her to help her get the message.   Hang in here with us.  I'm sure you have some great input for our various struggles, too. 

[MammaMia]

weekapauger

I am sorry you feel trapped in an unhappy and unhealthy life.  Perhaps it is time to explore options to better yourself.  It may be possible for you to find housing elsewhere with a roommate to help defray expenses.  It sounds as if you may also qualify for aid through the state, perhaps even disability.

I wonder if you may have some co-dependence issues.  Having been a single parent who cared for and provided for your child, you may feel she is not capable of being on her own.  In addition, there is always the parental "need to be needed".  What about your needs?

As for your SO, he has made his position clear.  :)o you believe this arrangement is fair to you?  I am puzzled by the fact that while he has loved you for many years, he has done little to help you leave a potentially dangerous and emotionally destructive relationship with your daughter. It sounds as if he may be able to help you financially, but has chosen not to... .or have you declined his offer to help?  His lack of concern for your situation is very troubling.  It also appears he is adding to your stress, rather than reducing it. Perhaps it is time to take a close look at that relationship as well.

You DO have options, and do not have to condone your current circumstances. Think about what YOU need for a change. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.  

Life-altering decisions are hard, but usually worth the effort.

[kelti1972]

Hi;

Welcome and hope you find support and love here.  There is so much information and tools and it takes time and hard work.  Nothing worthwhile comes easy .  Alanon, Nar Anon saved my life when our SWBPD would act out.  I still go to a face to face meeting and you can call Alanon phone bridge anytime.  Sometimes when I can't sleep I call, because it is three hours different back east and if I am awake at 2 or 3 in the morning they sometimes have a meeting.

Good luck and keep coming back.  Kelti