pwBPD "giving up" rather than trying to fix their problems?

[4Years5Months]

How often did your BPD partner screw up?  And when confronted with the screw up, how often did they actually try and work on themselves... .to NOT screw up in that way again?  And how often did they just go to DEFCON mode instead and say something like "Fine.  Just hate me!  I can't do anything right!" and push away?

Thinking back on my BPDex, I remember her feeling great shame and guilt when she would do something to hurt me, but instead of saying "I'll try not to do that again" (or, you know, trying not to do that again) she would just say she was a terrible person and she didn't deserve me, and emotionally go into her passive aggressive, BPD waif silent treatment hole.  And she would repeat the behavior, and act like a child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar when I found out, and project back onto me rather than learn from her mistake(s).

There have been several times she has withheld information from me (usually when she is searching for or with a replacement) and when I figure out she's doing it (such as going out), she just says "You have every right to be pissed and hate me.  I'm sorry."  This is what I mean by "giving up."  Just running away from the issue rather than working on it.

I found it was easy for her to acknowledge and talk about the mistakes she made, but she rarely if ever committed to or tried to avoid that behavior.  She "gave up" instead.  She would admit her faults, but couldn't look inward.

Anyone else experience this?

[Mr Hollande]

It's a good description of where my ex left off. She gave up on me, us and herself. Although I think she gave up on herself long before I entered the picture.

[4Years5Months]

It's like they know we will be mad at what they have done, but there's not the follow up aspect where they actually LEARN from the mistake they made.  Or SHOW they are trying to rectify it.  It's more of a "Yeah, I screwed up.  Hate me if you want to.  You already do anyway!" reaction.

And what was MY reaction to that kind of statement most of the time?  "No, I don't hate you!" followed by soothing and validating - exactly what she needed to hear.  But lost in all of that was the hurt I felt, that was caused by her, and her inability to take responsibility for her actions.

[FannyB]

At least you got some contrition - albeit grudging. When my ex recycled me she said that I ended the relationship first time around when she did!   I think I just gave up at times for a quiet life, as anything that could potentially shame her had to be deflected at all costs. Bizarre behaviour!

[UserName69]

We had a rs for 6 months, broke up like 14 times. She always blamed me. Every time she went in defcon mode, when we had NC usually one of us contacted each other and then we went back together. She never told me that she's sorry for anything, she knew the push pull used to piss me off a lot, now I'm dating an another girl and she knows it. After a while I got enough from it, it only made me hate her which made the moving on process very easy for me. Just like you exBPD she told me that she's a bad person and that she's going to hell and later she told me  that she will never stand the idea that I'm sleeping and having sex with an another girl. It's so crazy whenever I read a similar story here on this board, I really get the impression that they all think EXACT the same!

[4Years5Months]

UserName, my ex and I have been in communication in recent weeks, and she had the same reaction when she found out I was dating a new girl.  Hysterically upset, telling me the thought of me having sex with someone else made her want to vomit.  Keep in mind SHE is with a replacement for me.  She also told me the girl I was dating (we have since broke up) was a better match for me than her - she said (about the girl I was seeing) "She's established and settled and happy with her life, unlike me."

After the breakup with this girl, any time I would mention another girl, she would ask if I was interested in her.  I simply liked a photo of a mutual female friend we share on Facebook (my ex and I are no longer friends, of course) and she almost immediately texted me to ask if I was dating her.

Here is what caused me to create this topic:

My uBPDex replaced me two weeks after our breakup with the security guard from her work... .who had just divorced his wife.  Turns out, Mr. Rent A Cop has diagnosed BPD, and they fight and argue regularly.  One argument ended with him "leaving" her because he felt she deserved someone better (sense a similarity?) and throwing all of his belongings in her apartment's dumpster.  That's when she started talking to me again, and almost immediately shared her tales of woe with BPD replacement.  But, she wanted to stay with him because "he's self aware and knows when he messes up" - as if that makes things any better.

Last week, they had another blow out fight the night before he was going out of town with a (male) friend's family, and he again "left" her - but this time took his belongings with him, ha.  She texted me at midnight, saying she thought things were over with him.  The next two days were basically a recycle attempt, where she spoke fondly of me, and our times together, especially a trip we took to NYC last December (which engulfed her as she started pushing me away as soon as we returned) and how she would go back with me someday.

Then, Replacement came back into town, came over, and the next day she was distant.  Spoke of regretting telling me about his problems.  Said that we shouldn't be too close.  Obviously, he love bombed her back into happy mode.

She tells me she's taking three days off of work, and is going to relax at home.  Then, I see her Instagram start posting photos of another city.  She went on vacation with him instead of "relaxing."  Literally five days ago she was saying they were broken up.  How dysfunctional.  Anyway, I texted her about how she deceived me and she answered with the "Fine.  Hate me then!  You obviously want to anyway" response.

All she had to do was be honest with me.  But a BPDer cannot seem to do that.

[UserName69]

Sounds really like my exBPD. It seems like they want to keep you as a "friend", but I think the true meaning of this is they want to use you as a back up when things go bad with their partner she will go back to you to play with the feelings of her ex partner. My exBPD told me this once that she wants to stay friends I told her I really can't see the point of that? Over is over for me that's no contact or any other bs.

Mine told me once that I should lead my life and be a happy person and that I really deserve that. I met an another girl, I didn't date her she is just a friend. I told my exBPD about her and she became mad. She even blocked me on FB and started a whole drama act. Later when I called her we got back together, she told me that she even made a list and compared herself to my friend with all the qualities my exBPD was better in. That's just crazy, there isn't even one single healthy person who's able to come up with a crazy idea like that.

At the last break up she said again that I should be a happy person etc. Well when she found out that I had been dating she flooded her FB with messages that she's going to commit suicide. Move on she said? I guess not. She was lying to me. But why would a person lie about this? This was the final BU I decided to move on, I had plenty reasons. I really can't see a point why I should love her nor get back to her.

No they can't be honest. Mine lied about everything, she was a school dropout but she still claimed that she had graduated. She has no job but on her FB profile she states that she has a high function in a company she probably made up.

It's pretty scary when I read your experience, I can see a lot similarities between your exBPD and mine.

[4Years5Months]

My ex just texted me that she didn't lie to me about going out of town, that her "time off just changed into something unexpected." Of COURSE!  It wasn't HER fault!

My guess is the replacement (as a pwBPD) reeled her back in after the big fight last week by saying and doing all the right things, and the result is she's accompanying him on a vacation less than a week after saying she would be better off single.  If I were to dig deeper, she was probably jealous (abandonment) that he was going out of town with his friends, and he's now "making it up" to her by being with her now.  Push and pull!  Gotta love it.

[Suzn]

"Fine.  Just hate me!  I can't do anything right!" and push away?

A pwBPD is self loathing and when called on behaviors they typically side step taking responsibility and go straight into victim mode.

she would just say she was a terrible person and she didn't deserve me

This sounds very familiar, doesn't it?

After a while I got enough from it, it only made me hate her which made the moving on process very easy for me.

That's a pretty powerful statement UserName. Sounds like a lot of hurt still there. 

[zundertowz]

my ex very rarely admitted she screwed up at anything... .when she would kick me out in a rage she would blame me saying I left her... .i was the always in the wrong.

[valet]

My ex would infrequently half-apologize for things, then say she would work on them, but never actually change her behavior in a significant way

I can count on one hand the amount of times she admitted to me that she was wrong. She would only ever directly admit that she was wrong on small issues, like not knowing an inconsequential fact. Any emotional mistreatment was handled as I stated above. 'I shouldn't say these things. I shouldn't be so cold. I'll work on it.'

We never really communicated. She would 'listen' to me, but it became pretty clear by her actions that she never really took anything from it.

Sometimes she would just break down and say she didn't understand why she treated me so badly at points and that she couldn't believe I hadn't broken up with her. She also seemed utterly amazed at my patience with her in these scenarios. I think that this is mainly because she actually couldn't understand the 'idea' of having patience with a loved one. Her idea of patience was tolerance, followed by resentment, which she tried to tolerate but couldn't. It caused her to be very depressed.

Of course, I didn't love her in a healthy way towards the end of the relationship, but her way of loving me from the very beginning was rooted in something more self-degrading. She never laid a solid foundation for mature love with me. She didn't have the tools.

[DyingLove]

At times, normally when there was an argument or something, minutes later she would claim: "it's all my fault!" not really sarcastically, but not sincere either. Almost like she had to say it "just for the record".  Sad, it was like a piss poor actress trying to read a script.  I did accept her words, but only because she even bothered to say them.  There was usually a sniffling type of internal/mild crying that happened along with it.  I don't know... .is this crap even important anymore?  Sad and angry right now.  Wanna cry, wanna shout.  I wanna stop.

[4Years5Months]

Sometimes she would just break down and say she didn't understand why she treated me so badly at points and that she couldn't believe I hadn't broken up with her. She also seemed utterly amazed at my patience with her in these scenarios. I think that this is mainly because she actually couldn't understand the 'idea' of having patience with a loved one. Her idea of patience was tolerance, followed by resentment, which she tried to tolerate but couldn't. It caused her to be very depressed.

Same with my ex.  Even when we talk now, she says "I can't believe you still want to talk to me after everything I have done."  She's self aware.  She knows she has done wrong.  But she cannot stop herself from continuing to do it.  The damage to the emotional core is the root of all BPD behavior, in my opinion.  Because it is so damaged, when they feel that emotion... .even though it is wrong ("I need to break up with him" they cannot stop it.  THAT is what she can't work on.  She feels remorse, and regret, and shame, but she doesn't know how to stop the emotions from boiling over and causing her to make a decision.  Hence the "Fine, hate me then!" response when I call her out on it.  She KNOWS she's doing wrong.  But she cannot stop it.

[dobie]

I can't say she ever felt to be in the wrong I think she once admitted she was acting like a b___ but most of the time after I was snared it was me who was made to feel I had to change to apologise etc


I remember once or twice we would fight she would rile me I would explode and she would film me and then act like she was in a abusive relationship she was always the victim always .

She even said if I did not get angry I would have "won" more arguments what the heck since when was a relationship about scoring points .


Even her saying sorry was said with a huff and usually after I had apologised first

She was totally self centred always I just don't know how I failed to see I guess I didn't want to plus the love bombing , neediness and occasional idealisation made me feel secure

[DyingLove]

I can't say she ever felt to be in the wrong I think she once admitted she was acting like a b___ but most of the time after I was snared it was me who was made to feel I had to change to apologise etc


I remember once or twice we would fight she would rile me I would explode and she would film me and then act like she was in a abusive relationship she was always the victim always .

She even said if I did not get angry I would have "won" more arguments what the heck since when was a relationship about scoring points .


Even her saying sorry was said with a huff and usually after I had apologised first

She was totally self centred always I just don't know how I failed to see I guess I didn't want to plus the love bombing , neediness and occasional idealisation made me feel secure

Yeah Yeah, I remember that... .her acting humble and all so that I'd feel bad and say it was ok... .and then she'd drop some kinda hammer!  Yep!

[zundertowz]

My ex would do the same thing to me... .push push push till I lost my cool then act as if she was being mistreated.

[dobie]

Zunder/dying

Don't know about you guys but I'm hot headed so it was easy for her to provoke I remember I would run to the kitchen even then she would be up at me

Funny just remembered something I forgot . one night she had gone out I was enjoying the peace at home getting loaded and listening to music she comes in I shut the living room door because I guess I didn't want her to ruin my fun she broke the door down and accused me of cheating

[Fr4nz]

My ex would do the same thing to me... .push push push till I lost my cool then act as if she was being mistreated.

Same here.

[zundertowz]

I wouldnt say I am a hot head dobie but I had bondaries and when she pushed it was pretty abusive and im human so I reacted... .I did not sign up to be a abused spouse and I fought back... .in the end it did more harm then good but it was a lost cause. I am not built for the drama and fighting and I would have wound up dead or in jail. 

[4Years5Months]

Most arguments with my ex would end without a resolution, because she would rarely admit fault or give in.  So either it would end acrimoniously (and of course flare up later), or I would be the one to give in. 

To be fair, sometimes it WAS my fault.  But the constant was that she would "need (me) to understand" what she was saying/arguing.  I would say yes, I did understand (even if what she was saying was absurd), but then I HAD to repeat back to her how I specifically understood her, step by step.  The parent/child dynamic of our relationship would be reversed in this kind of scenario.  She would not drop the argument unless I did this, in detail.  We would lay bed for HOURS many nights arguing, and I would give up and try to go to sleep... .and then after about 5 minutes of silence, she would start in again.  And it was always about me explaining how I understood how she felt, not about finding a solution.  She needed that confirmation, that validation.  She would ask again and again, sometimes the next day, for me to tell her how I UNDERSTOOD her side of the argument.  Only after so many times of being validated would she drop it.  The problem remained, but she would move on.

And yes, sometimes I would get so frustrated with her nagging and inability to look at herself for even ONE second - that I would get mad.  I was never violent, but I would yell or show it, and yep, suddenly it was about why was I so angry, calm down 4Years!  One of the breakups was because we fought too much, and I couldn't control my temper.  It was only after oh, the fifth breakup (when I was replaced for the first time) when a therapist told me about BPD, and I realized it wasn't my fault.

Now, if she was trying to make HER point, she could argue with you for days, but if I asked her to answer something that would require her to take a look at herself, she would say "I don't know" or "I don't know what I want."  Suddenly, she would become a clueless puppy dog with no answers.  Or she would project the shame back onto me.  This is what happened a couple of days ago.  She went straight to DEFCON "Okay, so hate me then!" mode.  Whoa, whoa!  I don't want to hate her.  But she would rather me do that then have to look inward.

Arguments with her were EXHAUSTING.  I can remember getting out of bed because I was so tired and walking to the living room to sleep on the couch, which would of course trigger her abandonment fear, and she would flip from arguing to begging me to come back to bed with her.  Then, after a moment... .the arguing would begin again.