need some help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello Family

I only posted once or twice, but for the last three years I have been reading almost every day every post THANK YOU ALL, perhaps because it is so difficult to put things in words I wish I can put things into equations instead.  Any human language lack the ability to explain the pain that someone in a relationship with BPD person undergo even after everything is over, or seems to be over. My story is DEJA VU, like everybody else on this board; it was too late when actually I knew about BPD. She asked me to marry her , thinking that will perhaps give her some security and trust so I did, three day after the wedding(early July 2012) she run to another state where her mom lives. Her argument was “we did things the wrong way during the wedding”. I am a mathematician I solve problems, complicated problems in fuzzy theory that’s what I do for living. But this problem seems to be much more complex even fuzzy logic cannot be applied to it. After two months (September 2012) she asked for a divorce so we had a divorce. Since then I went NC, a few email I received from her over the last three years most of them because she needs something, a recommendation to find a job, an advice that she need to make a decision, a few email to ask about how I am doing…. I replied to all her email in a professional way and right to the point. I use to go overseas for work, when I do , we used Skype to communicate and due to the time difference (sometime 10 hours) she will be connected late night pacific time while it is only morning in the other side of the world), after the divorce she blocked me or deleted me from Skype. That did hurt but I was ok with it since a full detachment is needed sooner or later. The last email she sent was in January 2015 asking if she can come for a visit  but never made it and I did not ask why , I already know her tricks. A few days ago suddenly I see her on Skype again (you can’t see someone connected to Skype unless you are in his/her friend list), all the time she is in “away” mode except around late night for a few minutes. Well I can only speculate what is going on. Either she is connected to talk to someone overseas if so, why she added me to her list? Does she want me to know that she is in a relationship with someone else?  But she knows that I don’t care we are separated for almost three years and we live in different state, I never saw her after the divorce never did any move to pull her back into my life.  Is she trying to send me a message by doing that? If so what kind of message can be? I don’t want to initiate contact with her, I never did since the divorce, I always replied to her emails that’s it,  at the same time it really bother me a lot to see her connected even when I am in "invisible" mode. I know some of you my recommend to delete her but I am not that kind of person. I don’t cut people of. Any recommendation? Thank you again BPD family.

Note: sorry for my English, I am not a native speaking English

[ketch61]

Hello Family

I only posted once or twice, but for the last three years I have been reading almost every day every post THANK YOU ALL, perhaps because it is so difficult to put things in words I wish I can put things into equations instead.  Any human language lack the ability to explain the pain that someone in a relationship with BPD person undergo even after everything is over, or seems to be over. My story is DEJA VU, like everybody else on this board; it was too late when actually I knew about BPD. She asked me to marry her , thinking that will perhaps give her some security and trust so I did, three day after the wedding(early July 2012) she run to another state where her mom lives. Her argument was “we did things the wrong way during the wedding”. I am a mathematician I solve problems, complicated problems in fuzzy theory that’s what I do for living. But this problem seems to be much more complex even fuzzy logic cannot be applied to it. After two months (September 2012) she asked for a divorce so we had a divorce. Since then I went NC, a few email I received from her over the last three years most of them because she needs something, a recommendation to find a job, an advice that she need to make a decision, a few email to ask about how I am doing…. I replied to all her email in a professional way and right to the point. I use to go overseas for work, when I do , we used Skype to communicate and due to the time difference (sometime 10 hours) she will be connected late night pacific time while it is only morning in the other side of the world), after the divorce she blocked me or deleted me from Skype. That did hurt but I was ok with it since a full detachment is needed sooner or later. The last email she sent was in January 2015 asking if she can come for a visit  but never made it and I did not ask why , I already know her tricks. A few days ago suddenly I see her on Skype again (you can’t see someone connected to Skype unless you are in his/her friend list), all the time she is in “away” mode except around late night for a few minutes. Well I can only speculate what is going on. Either she is connected to talk to someone overseas if so, why she added me to her list? Does she want me to know that she is in a relationship with someone else?  But she knows that I don’t care we are separated for almost three years and we live in different state, I never saw her after the divorce never did any move to pull her back into my life.  Is she trying to send me a message by doing that? If so what kind of message can be? I don’t want to initiate contact with her, I never did since the divorce, I always replied to her emails that’s it,  at the same time it really bother me a lot to see her connected even when I am in "invisible" mode. I know some of you my recommend to delete her but I am not that kind of person. I don’t cut people of. Any recommendation? Thank you again BPD family.

Note: sorry for my English, I am not a native speaking English

[Turkish]

Hi ketch61,

That you don't cut people off is a core value of yours. You sound like you've been patient and kind. However, what do you get out of continued contact at this point? Said in another way, what would you like to get?

[ketch61]

Thank you Turkish for your reply,  i always read your posts, i like the way you analyze things. After the divorce in 2012 three years had passed , i am a little better but not where i suppose to be,  i am fixated in finding a logical answers.  I find my self still in my own loop, a loop that has no condition to terminate. How can a person looks so innocent and genuine tell you that she loves you and two days later just take off and put the blame on you, after all her excuses was so lame just to terminate the relationship. Perhaps this is what kept me all those years still thinking about the whole situation, HOW ?. I am so exhausted thinking and analyzing everyday.  I am not looking for a recycle actually i avoided many attempts from her to pull me back , i just want to know without doubt if her feelings was true

[once removed]

"i just want to know without doubt if her feelings was true"

sure they were true. im of the opinion that at the time they express love, pwBPD want it as much if not more than we do. the fact is its just not sustainable. thats due to the disorder, and not you, its not personal, and not something you could have prevented, but i understand that it feels awful regardless 

[Pretty Woman]

Hugs,

   I know how you feel my friend. It is because you are LOGICAL and this is NOT logical. She mirrored you which is part of this disorder. Her love is like that of a 3yo... .it is not rational and at limited capacity.

Please, please do not ruminate. Believe me, I say this and I've been there. The things she mirrored was YOUR feelings. You actually fell in love with you, believe it or not.

You are worth so much my friend.

PW

[ketch61]

Why do i feel that I lost the woman of my dreams ? Why i feel if i did a little more perhaps things will be different, why i am still fighting with my self , part of me knows there was never enough,  no matter how much i put my self sooner or later she will create something to sabotage the relationship and the other part of me try to put the blame on me . I am extremely exhausted,  how do i end this cycle

[Turkish]

Ketch,

I felt the same way for over a year. "What if I had done xyz? What I had been better? What if I had found my way here to the Staying Board and the Lessons sooner?"

Perhaps it would have made a difference, perhaps not. We'll never know. We are where we are now. I refuse to accept my Ex's explanations: "it happened. I wish things could have been different." This isn't owning up to one's choices. Would things have been different if I had trusted my arm chair Dx of BPD before we had kids? I don't know. Maybe it was a loosing battle all along. I can only accept what I can control which is me, not my former partner. She is an independent entity who made here choices. I'm left with mine.

[ketch61]

should I ask her the reason why she added me to Skype after being deleted ?,  how I can trust her reasons ? , what if she find that this is an opportunity to hurt me ? or to initiate contact ?

[Turkish]

should I ask her the reason why she added me to Skype after being deleted ?,  how I can trust her reasons ? , what if she find that this is an opportunity to hurt me ? or to initiate contact ?

Contact on your side is continuing the cycle, no? You will, get something from it, but will it be healthy for you?

[ketch61]

No contact , unfortunately that's the only way to healing.  If I manged to stay very LC for three years i am confident i can keep going, what worry me is she still in my head all this time . Thank you all for your support

[LimboFL]

I am going to jump in on this one.

I still, despite absolute NC, almost constantly think about my exBPDgf, every day 6 months after b/u. However, being NC gives me the mental and emotional distance to reason myself out of the positive thoughts I have about her and the irrational longing.

If there is anything that has been proven without a shadow of a doubt is that those who maintain LC, whether out of choice or because there are children involved, ALWAYS have a much harder and longer recovery time. During the first three months, my ex and I had some limited contact and just seeing her name pop up on my phone or even seeing it in my phone book, hit me emotionally.

There are those who can't help themselves but check social media, which ALWAYS ends up hurting them and then those who believe they are strong enough, sensible enough, controlled enough to continue accepting communications and striving for limited friendship. It doesn't work, it won't work. We are humans and we loved our partners deeply and still do. I have said this countless times on this site. Our minds are conditioned to push the negative experiences out and to keep the good, for the most part. Even those of us who wouldn't start up again, with our SO's still have that hope in us that they will return, at least to say that they truly loved us and that they always will. That they might apologize and show pain and hurt for how they treated us and, yes, for some who are not there yet that they might run back open arms professing their undying love and devotion. I get it, we all do.

Like almost everyone here, I did have to learn the hard way. I was stubborn about staying with my ex for almost 4 years. I even had the cops tell me "one day this is going to turn out very badly for you, if you stay with her" I still said to myself "I got this". It's the same with NC. Fortunately my ex has not attempted to contact me once after asking her to please never contact me again. So I don't worry about it that much, but by the same token, I threw out every pictures online, off line, deleted every single email, any momento or reminder of her went into the trash. Not because I didn't value the relationship despite the pain it caused but because I needed to get rid of her in my sphere so that I could heal.

No one, I don't care who you are or how level headed you might think you are, can get through the pain of break ups with pwBPD, without taking ALL of the measures advised on this board. Again, some have no choice and my heart truly goes out to all of them, but if you have a choice please rest assured that you cannot maintain limited contact or have any sort of friendship with your exBPD if your objective is to actually heal and to heal faster.

To this day despite everything, I hate not knowing how she is, where she is, if she is ok. It actually hurts me but I won't pull myself back into that emotional cauldron. I can't. I have come too far. Anyone out there who thinks they can "cheat the system" please reflect long and hard about that, because it comes at a cost.

   

[ketch61]

LimboFL your absolutely correct , after the BU i came to realize that the only way to heal is to stay NC, and i did, except a few emails that i responded every few months.  I use skype everyday to communicate with my family overseas,  now since she added me on her skype list, everytime when i connect i see her also connected and that really bring all the memories,  bad and good. I will create a new account. Thank you for your insight