My email to my ex

[Devaluedman]

This is an email I sent to my ex. I changed the real names. I am starting the healing process. You guys are part of the process... .

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I don't love you. I know I say it all the time, but I don't. I stopped loving you the day you decided our marriage wasn't worth the effort. How could I love you? This was never love.  At least, the love I know.  It was a distorted love based on illusion and lies.

I've been holding on to an illusion of who you were.  But that illusion is not reality, the illusion you created for me. I love the illusion but not the reality. The real person is the person I see today. And that person I don't love,  and will never love. Just like it took you time to understand why it couldn't work out, it has taken me time to see the truth,  and who you really are.

How can I love a person who doesn't care about me? Who can't even remember my age, or when I was born?  There are so many other things that show me you don't love me, but I won't go over them. I know what happened.  That's all that matters.

You don't love me, the real J--the J with all the flaws and insecurities. Yes, the damaged J. You want a J that can't exist, and that I can't provide for you, no matter how hard I try. You want a J that fits into a conception of who I should be, and I am not that person, and I will never be that person. I have to be who I am, and you will never accept that. You want to mold me into something you want. How could I ever do that?

The illusion you created did lure me in, and kept me under your spell for many, many months. But I am just now waking up from it. I loved the illusion of M not the real one. I loved the sexy temptress, the woman who would do anything I wanted, and loved everything about me. But those were finely crafted deceptions. And I fell for them. My family fell for them. My friends fell for them. But the reality is much more sobering.

Because once the mask slipped, I could see who and what you are. I know now you never loved me. Your actions speak to this truth. I made mistakes.  I said and did things I regret. I acted like a jerk. I should have left you months ago when the mask slipped right after we married.  But I guess I was so in love with the illusion of M that I thought I could get back to the good feelings.  But like any drug, it wears off and you are left with a nasty hangover.  And that's just what this is, the aftermath of the illusion you created--a nasty hangover. That's all I am left with. There is no love, and there never will be love. Because I don't love you, and I know you don't love me. This is the reality. It's painful,  but it is real. And I'd rather live the truth than in a devious chimera,  which I was living in for so long.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey D-man, Most people who send emails of this type are expecting some sort of response that will validate their decision to leave, and are secretly hoping the Ex SO will take responsibility for his/her role in the turmoil and maybe even apologize.  My suggestion: don't hold your breath.  It is highly unlikely that you will get anything positive in response and in some ways you are giving your Ex power over you, including the power to withhold a response.  Time for you to move on, and your email is only delaying the healing process, in my view.

LuckyJim

[Devaluedman]

You are probably right. Thanks for the input.  How did you do it? I know I have to go NC.

[Dutched]

D-man, understand your that you want it of your chest, nothing wrong with it!

I agree with Lucky Jim, it is futile even to think some kind of responsibility is taken by ex.

Further, ex is gone, so ex is not confronted face to face with you anymore, it makes the shame much easier.

Reading this mail, ex will see you as the persecutor, which will be an enormous trigger.

She is blamed, you summed it up, for not bonding with you, neglecting even any basic interest in you as a person.

That hurts her deeply, as pwBPD crave for love and have deep needs to be loved (she loved you in her way! for us an immature way).

Basically you are telling a 4 yr old she is not capable of love…  and so pushing her away.

For your road ahead, this mail might have been a good solution in order to withhold her contacting you.

Going NC is for you, but don’t see it as a rule, it is a way to detach.

[Devaluedman]

Dutched,

I think I understand.  I am new to understanding this terrible disease, although now I am out of the relationship. It seems that most of my communications with her were triggers, because I was trying to make her see my hurt, and why what she did to me was uncaring and profoundly wrong. In a sense, each time I did that she distanced herself. But what was I to do? None of my needs were being met. And all the cruelty.  I got blamed for everything in the relationship. How could I have proceeded differently? I don't think there was a way. Because as you say, we are looking at the facts of the relationship from an adult perspective and they are seeing it through a child's eyes. I guess what you imply is that they have no ability to empathize because they have the emotional maturity of child, which is very hard for me to process and understand.

I guess there is no rational way to deal with someone who can't empathize. It's absolutely baffling to me. But I understand that many of you here have years of experience thinking about this disease. I am really trying to make sense of it for the last six or seven months. So, I truly appreciate the knowledge you are dropping.  Thanks!

[Mutt]

Hi Devaluedman,

A pwBPD do have empathy and it can be difficult for them to display it when the person is overwhelmed with intense emotions.

It seems that most of my communications with her were triggers, because I was trying to make her see my hurt, and why what she did to me was uncaring and profoundly wrong.

I can understand how painful this is and the need for validation and closure. A pwBPD feel a lot of shame, guilt, are self critical. I can see how she would feel invalidated and triggered if she's told that she's uncaring and behaves wrongly.

[Devaluedman]

Mutt,

Yes. I probably sabotaged the relationship misunderstanding what the triggers were. But I was ignorant and am still ignorant.

Yet I still can't see how it's possible to have to analyze everything you say in the hopes you aren't accidentally triggering their hurt. Maybe some people can do it, but it has to drain you.  It seems they can't resolve small disagreements like normal people.  I am now in a fresh relationship with a normal woman, and we are able to resolve disagreements with minimal effort, and as a result our relationship grows and gets stronger. The opposite occurred with my ex.  A small disagreement ballooned into me being devalued. So, I know this is a mental sickness, now in a relationship with a healthy woman.  However, I am having difficulty with my guilt--that I caused my ex's hurt.

[Lucky Jim]

However, I am having difficulty with my guilt--that I caused my ex's hurt.

No, you didn't cause your Ex to have BPD; likewise, you can't cure it, as you've discovered.

It's OK to have empathy for your BPDx and her suffering, I suggest, but you can let go of the guilt.  Guilt, you could say, is a rock that you don't need to carry around in your backpack.

LJ

[Mutt]

Yet I still can't see how it's possible to have to analyze everything you say in the hopes you aren't accidentally triggering their hurt.

Absolutely, I think that would be walking on eggshells.

I understand how the guilty feelings would be difficult and Lucky Jim is right. What you and your partner experienced in the relationship are different things and why take the lion's share of the blame?

A pwBPD look for the perfect relationship and idealize to attach. When the pwBPD start to perceive faults the pwBPD begin to devalue.

The idealisation creates a strong attachment - for both the pwBPD and the nonBPD. Mirroring, excessive praise (pleasing), sex and openness builds the BPD/nonBPD bond.

pwBPDs are after the 'perfect' rs ~ once they perceive flaws they find it harder to mirror .  As the "hopes of perfection" gives way to reality, the hopes and trust developed in the idealisation slowly erode and the pwBPD begins to devalue.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle