My Wife has BPD

[Arturo]

I have been married to my wife for 18 years and it has been a rocky 18 years.  I believe I am largely responsible for pushing my wife further into an unhealthy mental state as a result of my lack of maturity, nurturing, affection, and understanding.  I came from a "Beaver Cleaver" household that was about as vanilla as they come.  I did not encounter any traumatic experiences in my childhood or early adulthood and was well taken care of and even over protected because after all of these years I have recognized that I used to lack understanding and empathy.

My wife on the other hand came from a terrible childhood, her mother had her when she was 17, and she was in a constant state of influx, stress and fear.  She recognized at the age of 4 that she was in a dangerous environment and had to one day break free of the destructive cycle.  She is incredibly intelligent and used her brains, wit, common-sense and resourcefulness to become a lawyer.  As a result of her childhood she suffered all sorts of abuse including events sexual in nature, her mom promiscuity, and a constant flow of negative family influences.  A few years back on a visit she took alone back to her home her father-in-law assaulted her and that was the last straw and has not had contact with them since.   This is a reoccurring theme with her family and I believe this time my wife will never have any relations with her family again.

My wife despises my family and their rose colored, conservative, lack of empathy life styles, among many, many other things.  It has actually driven me from my family because I do not seek their emotional or any other form of support because my wife would hate me to share anything with them. 

We also do not have any friends mostly because they have disappointed my wife at some point and I have  for the most part just agreed with every decision she makes to avoid conflict.  We also have just recently moved to a new city that we do not know anyone which has further isolated us from any form of support.  I am currently going to a therapist but my wife is not ready to seek help until she finds a therapist she thinks is perfect for her.

When my wife hit puberty she started experiencing chronic pain that has only gotten worse throughout the years.  It was a great mystery as to what could be the cause and one doctor diagnosed her with psychic trauma which he claimed was the main source for her chronic pain.  But about 3 years ago she was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, an incurable condition that can make your physical life unbearable and only worsens with age.  Because of her physical condition she has been out of work for the last 9 years. As a result she feels no self-worth.  When she quit working I felt so good that I could take care of her because I was successful enough for us to live a good life.  But her inability to work has only help to further push her into depression and feelings of lack of self-worth.

Recently my wife has escalated in her bad behavior including physical assault against me, threats of suicide, threats to stab me and even kill me.  I found my only defense during her rages is to concede and agree.  She expresses her distaste for me, that I am dumb, a bad lover, a bad person and she wants me to leave her.  This is all putting it mildly.  Two nights ago she pulled down her pants and peed in the hall outside our condo door and then proceeded to pee on me inside the condo.  These fits of rage are frightening to say the least.  She kind of remembers them, and I believe that alcohol may be in play but I am not always certain.

I know she does not want me to leave her despite her constant pleas that I do.  What she wants is a husband she deserves and I am finally understanding what it takes to be what she needs.  I am looking for advice, words of encouragement, good sources for support, etc.  I will never leave my wife as I complete adore her and love her more than anything.  Now that I finally have a better understanding of what my wife is going thru I need to work on my inner strength. 

I live in the Portland, OR area and am seeking additional support groups and forms of education to better help me help my wife. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome, Arturo. Your wife is lucky to have you. You've found an excellent place to learn a lot, and get a lot of support from others dealing with loving someone who has BPD. I'm glad to hear you are in therapy. Learn all you can to help you deal with this. So many people here have greatly improved their marriages just by using some of the tools you can learn here. To the right of this page, make sure to read the Lessons, and there are lots of other links on this site as well.

Coming here for advice about certain situations can be priceless. It never fails that someone comes up with a viewpoint or something I hadn't thought of, and then I'm off to try that. Trial and error, seems to be a way of life when dealing with this. Also, you have to learn to really take care of yourself too because this can be very draining.

[married21years]

hi bud took me 21 years to realise, my wife covered up her issues. she used my love to suppress her emotions. finally the tole on me was to much.

and i broke. i could take no more. i was in a very successful high power job doing 80 hours a week doing a very hard project project that management thought had minimal chance of success. a real hail Mary pass. and i pulled it of whilst working on myself losing 150 lbs and living in a foreign country to do it.

i came back to a twentieth anniversary from hell and i knew i had done nothing wrong!

you have a very bumpy road ahead of you read a lot and talk to people.