Too much time has passed for me to still feel this way

[zenwexler]

So I used to be pretty steady on here. Then this past September I received a call from my BPDexgf. It was from her roommates phone because she figured out I had her blocked. We talked for a little because I was caught off guard. We then texted because I unblocked her. She instantly slipped into her old ways and texted me with a cocky mean undertone saying our relationship was out of boredom. At that time I recently moved to California. When she called me she told me she was looking to move there too!

Well now it's months later. She's still blocked and her roommate is still blocked. I have such a massively strong urge to check in on her. I want to unblock her and reach out. I'm so afraid too. I'm afraid of what she'll say. If she's in a new relationship or still in her old one which she hinted was a negative "long story" when months before she acted like she was falling in love with him. I'm afraid if I reach out she'll ignore me or just be like "we shouldn't talk" Which will then set me off thinking that she's got her BPD under control and is engaging in healthy behavior. I still take comfort in the idea that she'll never be fully healthy and stable. But on the flip side since she hasn't reached out I feel like she's finally moved on.

And I still can't get over her. Every girl that I go out with I still think of her instantly.  It's been two years since we broke up. We did the dance of me going NC and her going outrageously out of her way to getting me to respond. Even with a BF. Now everything is silent. Full NC since September. And more then ever do I want to reach out. Her last text to me

"I have this weird habit now. I kind of started catcalling other men. Like ohhh man. You're a hottie. Or like damn. Look at that one. He's so sexy!"

I reblocked her and now It's been 10 months. The longest I've gone without from hearing her

[Infared]

Zen... .our connection with are exBPD are very strong... .at least mine was. For me it took a lot of time to get stronger and feel better on my own. Sounds like you are doing very well with your situation. It's OK to be human and miss someone that meant so much to you. I

Your ex sounds like she is just thoughtless and mean to you. Mine was, too... I will not go into the litany of things she did... .they were horrible... .yet I still missed her. I really had to concentrate on those actions of hers to bring myself into the reality of who she "really" is. She is not healthy for me.

I had to get strong with that (sounds like you are committed to that for the most part). I can tell you... .mine found ways to make contact (she with still with my replacement BTW), even though I changed my phone number. She even staged fake run-ins in parking lots. I never would allow contact because I focused, in that moment,  on the the lies and cruel things she had done.  I need to protect myself from more harm. It hurts me in my heart to do this, but I just have to love me more. She is not capable of loving me and I have to olympus n that.

It's tough stuff buddy, but hang in there, you feelings will change.

[myself]

You felt something intense and unique with her, including the pains, and it's unresolved in many ways. That's where the letting go/accepting takes place. If you reached out, what would you be looking for? To get back together? Closure? To break the silence because deep down you just want to be heard and cared for? Reestablishing contact isn't a way to go back in time and get it right. It's case by case, but it doesn't always help in the here and now either. Especially when the other person is disordered, has moved on, is still stuck, or resists it. Much time has passed and I still miss mine too, but the chance for us has come and gone. Trust and commitment broken. The end.

[Billygoat]

There's no time limit on this. If you're not ready to see anyone else then that's fine, put your energies into something else. The very best place would be into you. Finding out about you every tiny thing there is to know, filling your life with new experiences and creating food for the soul, learn, take up new hobbies and go deeply into yourself.

If you feel you've tried that, go even deeper. Im now utterly self obsessed! (Half joke), the amount of love and affection and treating of my soul and body i give myself has helped me heal tremendously. Im now at the point where I really don't need anyone else to love and at one point I could barely function without it and the exes all encompassing deep and dark love filled my wounds for some time. She's gone. And it's corny as all hell, but #learning to love yourself... .It is the greatest love of all#!

And let's face it, your ex was probably a b___ anyway  

Seriously though, go deeper, do everything to make your body feel good. I love walking, hiking, nature and exploring, new towns and cities, new cuisine and I treat myself to things that feed my soul, I go deeply into questions about life, love and even ... .Why we are here, what lesson has meeting my ex taught me, am I a better person now? I'd say yes even though it was the most painful time of my life. Forgive yourself for your feelings and allow yourself time and become thoroughly and sickeningly obsessed with your own well being!