"Wouldn't you just rather get the truth told to you" reached it's post limit... .so I started this one to finish the conversation... .
We're in fairly low contact. We only communicate when we want to meet up. The last time that happened was about... .2.5 weeks ago?
Ended amicably, sort of. There were some minor things said out of pain and anger, but it has mostly been a pretty alright separation. I think that both of us want a friendship, but it's hard to say, as neither me nor her are open about most things when we meet.
I've done a lot of writing about my feelings thus far, and I talk quite a bit about them to my close friends. I would like to say that I don't bottle many things, if any at all.
I had to make a painful decision. Mine was doing drive-byes, walking up to me alone in public... .all-the-while, living with another guy and never taking any responsibility or admitting she cheated. NOTHING. ... .and she was expecting me to be the same caring, loving guy that I always was. As much as it hurt... .when I saw what was showing up... ."I" had to cut it clean. With my actions. She had said she needed a clean break. ... .but we know that anything that comes out of the mouth of a BPD is next to "of no value". So... .I cut it. There was just nothing there for me but lies, lies by omission and abuse. I had to love me... .as much as I never wanted that to be the plan. Tough stuff.
Hey Infared, that sounds terrible. I'm sorry that you had to endure that kind of pain.
I have a close friend that went through a similar situation. His ex cheated on him for last half year of their relationship, broke up with him, kicked him out of the house that he renovated (basically on his own), and now is living with the same guy in the house that my friend put years of his life into making a home out of. And to boot, she slept with the new guy for the two months in their bed before my friend could find a new place. And now, even, she is coming up to him in public with affection, like she never did anything wrong.
Unfortunately, he won't consider that his ex was disordered. I've told him that it might be an option, but he never really did the research.
Luckily for me, my ex was never that vicious or heartless. She hasn't 'stalked' me, per se, but I have seen her sitting near my flat with friends. She has never tried to approach me in public without arranging it first.
I can't say that she physically cheated on me, but she did emotionally with a good friend of hers that was absolutely unknowledgeable that I would consider her or his behavior out of line. Either way, I have let that go. I've been in plenty of ambiguous half-relationship situations where I've been seeing other people while my 'partner' was too. Those are things that I've put behind me. I was much younger and much less considerate of other people's feelings. Those experiences, however, make me able to let cheating go a little bit easier, if it happened in the first place. Water under the bridge. People make mistakes. But that is only my philosophy. I'm glad that you had the courage to do what was best for yourself.
Infared
... but like you... .I still carry anger about how I was treated. Unlike your friend, I can see the mental illness... .
Hypothetical:My ex is like... .she just killed my mother and she wants to go out and get ice cream with me... .and show me how SHE was the victim? It's really like that. It's a pretty easy decision to not be anywhere near that person, I can't help fix it either as she sees nothing wrong... .but it's still painful to make that decision to completely detach to protect yourself and to not be angry at the loss of your mother, right?
If you have built up a life over years with this person and you are presented with this utter malignancy... .it's pretty hard not to end up with some outright or maybe in your case, residual anger.
Infared, I have some anger... .Not like I did a year ago, but I know there's some there because I can "hear it" in my voice when I talk to my girl friend about it. I want it to go... .I want to be 100% anger free. I'm not sure how to get there.
Some people don't want to 'see' the mental illness.
Some people aren't ready to see the PD.
Some people don't care... .all they see is "I got pooped on, not cool, oh look... .shiny"... .
Your analogy in blue is spot on.
Quote from: valet on Yesterday at 08:26:32 AM
I don't think that a person's recovery can be complete until they go far beyond the 'this person is evil and I'm going to avoid them' mentality. What behaviors did they exhibit that we didn't agree with, and why? What behaviors did we accept, and why? Why did we accept destructive behaviors that are against our own desires in a partner? These are the questions that need answering before we are prepared to make better decisions for ourselves.
Skip:
Many of the people who stop at this point go on to have new troubled relationships. Why? I think because this is more of the same low emotional IQ thinking that plagued the relationship.
A relationship is not one event- it is thousands of transactions that we have with the other person. If the net sum of those transactions has some serious problems we have to look at both sides of the transactions.
So, for an analogy, lets say you have a doubles tennis team (you and your partner play others). Suddenly, your team is losing matches. Do you blame it on the partner and get another one? Is that the answer - it's them?
~ You partnered with someone of your skill level. You saw that. They saw that. Better people didn't select you. You didn't select weaker partners. You played together, interacted on every ball hit your way for years.
Maybe you are a better server now then they are. But you are still pretty well matched (in the same range) and its very likely you are contributing to the loses, too.
Tennis doubles.
Suddenly my partner and I are losing matches.
Why?
What's different about MY game? Am I able to keep up? Am I getting the right sleep and diet to perform at my peak? Am I distracted and not giving my full attention to the game?
Are we playing new doubles, that we have never played before ?
Are they more experienced? Do they have a better coach?
What's different about my partners game? Is he able to keep up? Is he getting the right sleep and diet? Is he distracted and not giving full attention to the game?
But then you realize... .While you are on the court 7 days a week, practicing, working, training, taking lessons from a pro... .your partner is at home looking at porn, over at his mistresses having sex, and he doesn't care about the tennis match OR getting better OR being your partner. He's distracted and you are 100% invested in the game.
He shows up for matches (because there is a crowd watching and he has them eating out of his hand). He only shows up for the matches because everyone is watching. He's a great showman.
But his game is obviously not his priority. He really can't wait to get off the court to go look at porn, or be with his mistress... .so the faster you lose, the faster he gets to leave.
He does what he can to make it look like it's his partners fault, they are losing... .and until the TRUTH came out later, he had the crowd convinced, it was his partner... .
When you find out the lies and the deception, the manipulation; You are devestated.
You gave it your all, The game, the match, you gave it your all... .and he was NEVER in it to win it.
So over the years you spent great time and effort to increase your skills, perfect your game, and you thought your partner was too! You were growing, getting better, setting and reaching goals... .and your partner was just 'coasting'; getting by on charm and deception... .
You thought you were well matched, but looking back (because hind sight is 20/20) you can clearly see, that no, you were NOT well matched.
He was a fraud the whole time.
Skip, I'm no angel, I am not perfect. I made mistakes.When we met he was 19 and I was 23. We were young, immature, etc... .
At 33, I changed. I became a Believer, and Follower of Jesus Christ.
I thought he had too.(He played the part, then later (almost 10 years) told me "The Jesus things didn't do it for me"
We made some plans for the future; goals... .and I was working like a mule to achieve them.
They were all lies.
Yes, when we met, we were evenly matched.
But I grew up. I matured. I made adult choices. I did what was best for my husband and children.
He never did.
I stand firm on my statement that there IS evil in this world and it WILL use any willing vessel.
