Five weeks post-breakup: do I move on or can I go back, and how do I find out?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been feeling very anxious and realize that I'm still unsure about my decision to break up with my undiagnosed BPD ex 5 weeks ago.  I fully recognize that we had an unhealthy relationship but I miss her very much and feel like I need more input in terms of how to understand our relationship and the options we have now in order to know how to move forward.  Finding this forum – learning from others posts, and being able to post myself and seek input - is fortuitous. 

My ex and I had a tumultuous year together before I started to suspect BPD might help explain what was wrong with us. We experienced all kinds of highs and lows and broke up countless times.  Our periods of calm never lasted more than a week before something would inadvertently be triggered and, relatively often, would set her off on some kind of rage.  The relationship became increasingly verbally and physically abusive, the last episode resulting in her calling me a “f*ing ___” and dislocating her shoulder when she jumped me from behind as I was trying to leave (one example).  She was unable to empathize with my needs, continued to build a relationship with a French woman behind my back as a fallback plan whenever things went sour (while meanwhile proclaiming her love and commitment to me), unfairly criticized me, was blind and dismissive of my many efforts, didn't allow me enough room to have my own life and experience my emotions, had an unstable identity and would get angry if I called her on her mixed messages, etc. 

On the other hand, I've had quite a few relationships (I'm now 32, she's 39) and I've never had such an intense relationship and felt so close and in tune – at least in those moments - with anyone. She is extremely charming, smart and witty, and compliments me in many ways.  We connected physically and intellectually in a wonderful way.  She told me how much she loved me, that she has never felt this way about anyone before.   When things were going well, we had the best time together and she was the person I saw myself with in the future, with kids, etc (she asked me to marry her several times, although I wasn't ready to do this with good reason).  I loved our lively dynamic.  When things were going badly, however, this bright future crumbled apart, and I was never able to trust that we could be stable.   

I found out about BPD when, during a fight about a year into the relationship, she yelled at me that her therapist had told her I have BPD (I've since confirmed with my own therapist that this isn't true).  Curious about this diagnosis  – I didn't know anything about it – I started reading books and anything I could find online.  I discovered that while I have certain  traits, my ex has many of the classic symptoms of a high-functioning BPD.  I had broken up with her, but learning about BPD made me try to get back together:  I was diagnosed as bipolar years ago (I'm stable now) and hate the idea of giving up when the root cause of the problem is a mental disorder.  I believed we could surmount our issues, better informed, with the proper tools and help.

We got back together after a month apart, starting slowly.  However, after trying everything we could think of – writing a manifesto we both signed, romantic getaways to build trust, starting couple's therapy, committing to not breaking up, getting promise rings, planning on moving in together – nothing could stabilize us and I was unable to do what 'best practices' for partners advise:  set firm limits, not take attacks personally, step away when needed, etc.  Finally, after a few more terrible episodes, and then finding out that the French woman was still in the picture after making clear that this wasn't ok, I broke up with her for what may or may not be the final time.

Clearly, we both have things to figure out.  Since breaking up 5 weeks ago I've started individual therapy and have been reading all kinds of things, wanting to be as self-critical and reflexive as I can be to understand what happened and what to do next.  I've discovered we were the often cited mix of two codependents, totally enmeshed with each other.  I can relate to being a 'helper' and 'people-pleaser' type, and need to explore whether there are things I might be repressing which have contributed to my attraction and/or dissatisfaction.  I've discovered that I need to learn how to better deal with conflict, anger and strong emotions, which I haven't had to deal with much in my life yet (I'm easy going and come from a loving family where fighting was virtually non-existent and ideas took precedence over emotions).   Also, I never thought of myself as having low self-esteem but given everything I've read, it seems like something I need to further look into.  With this relationship, I've also had my own push / pull cycle and there must be something about the intensity of emotions that I can't help being attracted to, which I also need to figure out. 

While a lot of what's written about BPD and relationships is negative and seems to suggest that it's better I move on – that BPD is almost impossible to overcome, that the love she said she had for me is a lie given stunted emotional growth, that the only way for the relationship to work is for me to take her abuse and be a caretaker (which I don't want; I want a healthy relationship filled with love, care and mutual respect) – there's still a strong part of me that would like to believe that we could 'fix' our relationship so long as we were both willing to work hard.  I'm a good creative problem-solver, we're both smart people that want committed relationships and we care for each other, so why can't we figure this out?  I should note that before breaking up, she was about to start DBT and had told me that she was committed to working on herself after finally recognizing, during a more pronounced rage, that she didn't like who she was and BPD may in fact be something to consider.  Whether or not she has done this, I don't know.  But it does show that at least to some extent, she recognizes that she has a problem.

And so:  where to go from here?   Please let me know if you have any thoughts on how to decide to move forward: whether to cut my losses and move on, once and for all, or whether I can consider getting back together again if still an option, once a few more things are sorted out (and feel free to be as brutally honest as you like).  Thanks!

[Moonline]

I've been feeling very anxious and realize that I'm still unsure about my decision to break up with my undiagnosed BPD ex 5 weeks ago.  I fully recognize that we had an unhealthy relationship but I miss her very much and feel like I need more input in terms of how to understand our relationship and the options we have now in order to know how to move forward.  Finding this forum – learning from others posts, and being able to post myself and seek input - is fortuitous. 

My ex and I had a tumultuous year together before I started to suspect BPD might help explain what was wrong with us. We experienced all kinds of highs and lows and broke up countless times.  Our periods of calm never lasted more than a week before something would inadvertently be triggered and, relatively often, would set her off on some kind of rage.  The relationship became increasingly verbally and physically abusive, the last episode resulting in her calling me a “f*ing ___” and dislocating her shoulder when she jumped me from behind as I was trying to leave (one example).  She was unable to empathize with my needs, continued to build a relationship with a French woman behind my back as a fallback plan whenever things went sour (while meanwhile proclaiming her love and commitment to me), unfairly criticized me, was blind and dismissive of my many efforts, didn't allow me enough room to have my own life and experience my emotions, had an unstable identity and would get angry if I called her on her mixed messages, etc. 

On the other hand, I've had quite a few relationships (I'm now 32, she's 39) and I've never had such an intense relationship and felt so close and in tune – at least in those moments - with anyone. She is extremely charming, smart and witty, and compliments me in many ways.  We connected physically and intellectually in a wonderful way.  She told me how much she loved me, that she has never felt this way about anyone before.   When things were going well, we had the best time together and she was the person I saw myself with in the future, with kids, etc (she asked me to marry her several times, although I wasn't ready to do this with good reason).  I loved our lively dynamic.  When things were going badly, however, this bright future crumbled apart, and I was never able to trust that we could be stable.   

I found out about BPD when, during a fight about a year into the relationship, she yelled at me that her therapist had told her I have BPD (I've since confirmed with my own therapist that this isn't true).  Curious about this diagnosis  – I didn't know anything about it – I started reading books and anything I could find online.  I discovered that while I have certain  traits, my ex has many of the classic symptoms of a high-functioning BPD.  I had broken up with her, but learning about BPD made me try to get back together:  I was diagnosed as bipolar years ago (I'm stable now) and hate the idea of giving up when the root cause of the problem is a mental disorder.  I believed we could surmount our issues, better informed, with the proper tools and help.

We got back together after a month apart, starting slowly.  However, after trying everything we could think of – writing a manifesto we both signed, romantic getaways to build trust, starting couple's therapy, committing to not breaking up, getting promise rings, planning on moving in together – nothing could stabilize us and I was unable to do what 'best practices' for partners advise:  set firm limits, not take attacks personally, step away when needed, etc.  Finally, after a few more terrible episodes, and then finding out that the French woman was still in the picture after making clear that this wasn't ok, I broke up with her for what may or may not be the final time.

Clearly, we both have things to figure out.  Since breaking up 5 weeks ago I've started individual therapy and have been reading all kinds of things, wanting to be as self-critical and reflexive as I can be to understand what happened and what to do next.  I've discovered we were the often cited mix of two codependents, totally enmeshed with each other.  I can relate to being a 'helper' and 'people-pleaser' type, and need to explore whether there are things I might be repressing which have contributed to my attraction and/or dissatisfaction.  I've discovered that I need to learn how to better deal with conflict, anger and strong emotions, which I haven't had to deal with much in my life yet (I'm easy going and come from a loving family where fighting was virtually non-existent and ideas took precedence over emotions).   Also, I never thought of myself as having low self-esteem but given everything I've read, it seems like something I need to further look into.  With this relationship, I've also had my own push / pull cycle and there must be something about the intensity of emotions that I can't help being attracted to, which I also need to figure out. 

While a lot of what's written about BPD and relationships is negative and seems to suggest that it's better I move on – that BPD is almost impossible to overcome, that the love she said she had for me is a lie given stunted emotional growth, that the only way for the relationship to work is for me to take her abuse and be a caretaker (which I don't want; I want a healthy relationship filled with love, care and mutual respect) – there's still a strong part of me that would like to believe that we could 'fix' our relationship so long as we were both willing to work hard.  I'm a good creative problem-solver, we're both smart people that want committed relationships and we care for each other, so why can't we figure this out?  I should note that before breaking up, she was about to start DBT and had told me that she was committed to working on herself after finally recognizing, during a more pronounced rage, that she didn't like who she was and BPD may in fact be something to consider.  Whether or not she has done this, I don't know.  But it does show that at least to some extent, she recognizes that she has a problem.

And so:  where to go from here?   Please let me know if you have any thoughts on how to decide to move forward: whether to cut my losses and move on, once and for all, or whether I can consider getting back together again if still an option, once a few more things are sorted out (and feel free to be as brutally honest as you like).  Thanks!

[Turkish]

Moonline,

It seems you've done a lot of work up front,.and are realistic about a lot of what you need to do on your side. Have you read the lessons to the right of the board, and is so, did they help?

Yes, some may say to cut your losses and move on, but it feels to me that you still love her, the French woman notwithstanding. It's good that you're working on yourself (for you), and it's good that she is open to working on herself as well. Sometimes it's best to process who you are and where you want to be (it sounds like you're doing this, being very analytical), and it's good that she seems open to working on herself. That's hopeful.

However, she is who she is, an independent entity. Can you accept that she is free to make her own choices? The tools here can help you communicate more in a validating way. If you know you've done your best, then that's good for you, no matter how things develop.

Turkish

[OnceConfused]

A loving relationship should not be that hard. If you have to work very hard to keep the r.s going then perhaps it is not about love but only about your attachment.

[Lucky Jim]

We experienced all kinds of highs and lows and broke up countless times.  Our periods of calm never lasted more than a week before something would inadvertently be triggered and, relatively often, would set her off on some kind of rage.  The relationship became increasingly verbally and physically abusive, the last episode resulting in her calling me a “f*ing ___” and dislocating her shoulder when she jumped me from behind as I was trying to leave (one example).

Hey Moonline, I agree with OnceConfused: don't mistake codependency for love.  Your description above is typical of so many a BPD r/s, including mine.     In my experience, you will repeat this pattern if you stay in the r/s.  It doesn't get any easier, my friend, and can get significantly harder.  Do you really want to be the object of someone's abuse?  On some level, I think you recognize that this is an unhealthy situation for you.

LuckyJim

[Aussie0zborn]

I agree with all the excellent replies above.

A loving relationship should not be that hard. If you have to work very hard to keep the r.s going then perhaps it is not about love but only about your attachment.

The above quote is very true. You seem to have a good handle on what's happening - something I didn't. It took me five years to work out it was her and not me. It seems you are hanging on to her words and not her actions - just like I did. 

I am in a relationship for almost a year now and we have never argued. I am simply not used to that and for the first six months i kept an eye out waiting for her to explode or something. I have twice said to her, "I don't like what you did, it made me feel ... ." And she immediately apologised. She twice said to me, "I don't like what you did, it made me feel... ."  I ofcourse immediately apologised and then we just got on with it. No tantrums, no traumas, no nothing.

We don't have the intensity of a relationship with a BPD person but what we have is stability in a warm, loving, caring, nurturing and normal relationship. And what I love about it most is that I now know I'm capable of having a healthy relationship with the right person. It makes a world of difference in your quality if life. And you can have that too. Good luck with your decision.

[Loosestrife]

I agree with all the excellent replies above.

A loving relationship should not be that hard. If you have to work very hard to keep the r.s going then perhaps it is not about love but only about your attachment.

The above quote is very true. You seem to have a good handle on what's happening - something I didn't. It took me five years to work out it was her and not me. It seems you are hanging on to her words and not her actions - just like I did. 

I am in a relationship for almost a year now and we have never argued. I am simply not used to that and for the first six months i kept an eye out waiting for her to explode or something. I have twice said to her, "I don't like what you did, it made me feel ... ." And she immediately apologised. She twice said to me, "I don't like what you did, it made me feel... ."  I ofcourse immediately apologised and then we just got on with it. No tantrums, no traumas, no nothing.

We don't have the intensity of a relationship with a BPD person but what we have is stability in a warm, loving, caring, nurturing and normal relationship. And what I love about it most is that I now know I'm capable of having a healthy relationship with the right person. It makes a world of difference in your quality if life. And you can have that too. Good luck with your decision.

Thanks for sharing this Aussie

[Moonline]

Thanks for the helpful replies, everyone.  It's been over six weeks now with no contact and while still not sure I made the right decision, I'm starting to feel slightly less anxious about it and stronger in general.  I've decided to let time be the judge as I continue to work on myself and get more perspective on the relationship and myself, carrying out the lessons on this board as Turkish suggested. The fact that the relationship took so much work and may have been more about attachment instead of love is a scary thought, but something I know I need to consider.  I recognize that the relationship was unhealthy – I don't want to be the object of abuse – and this would need to change to consider a relationship with her again.  I haven't been able to master the radical acceptance part and yes, she is an independent person that I cannot control.  While I hate the idea of giving up (still), you may be right in saying that things would not change and if anything, would only get harder.  This seems to be the gist of many of the posts on the forum.  Aussie, your story is inspiring, thanks for sharing.

My next question is whether I can contact her to either help with this decision, or else in order to get closure, but I may ask this in a separate post.   

Thanks

[Lucky Jim]

My next question is whether I can contact her to either help with this decision, or else in order to get closure,

Hey Moonline, You don't need permission from her to "help with this decision."  Do what you think is right for you.  Also, any expectation of closure from a pwBPD may be unrealistic.  Doesn't happen, as many here will attest.  If you decide to reach out with the hope that she will validate your decision to break things off, I suspect you will be disappointed and possibly hurt more.  So tread carefully here, Moonline, and keep expectations low.

LuckyJim

[Aussie0zborn]

Also, any expectation of closure from a pwBPD may be unrealistic.  Doesn't happen, as many here will attest.

I agree and would suggest that this is a totally unrealistic expectation. Also unrealistic is thinking she might help you detach and aid you in your cruel and heartless abandonment of her - the thing pwBPD fear the most.

She can't help you. Only you can help yourself. Detach and do it fast for your own well being. Read the lessons here and practise them. If that fails read the posts here and then read them again. Your pwBPD is not different and not so special that you should sacrifice your life for her. I would suggest you focus on yourself and when you have the strength and wisdom that others here have gained, you will draw in healthy people worthy of a relationship. Your hapiness is at stake. Don't sacrifice it for anyone.