A final attempt ...

[Larmoyant]

I’m hurting badly. I want to try again with my BPDbf, but the push/pull, on again/off again cycle just has to stop. It’s literally ruining me. I’ve lost my career, my self-confidence and my anxiety levels are through the roof and I‘m seriously depressed. I can more or less cope with the rants and the rages, and I largely ignore the insults and nasty insinuations, although they have hurt me, but the come here/go away triggers my own insecurities and makes me so anxious my heart literally races. He constantly pushes and pulls.

We’ve been apart now for three weeks, he’s overseas atm, but then he emailed saying he loves me, has always loved me, wants to talk, etc. So I agreed (once again), but instead of discussing ways we can go forward all he wants to do is keep rehashing past events that he twists to suit his agenda which is to blame me for everything. He doesn't listen to my perspective and even tells outright lies, projecting onto me what he himself has done. I received an email last night entitled “Why” where he proceeds to ask me why I said this or why I said that. What’s the point of this? It’s as if he just wanted me back so I can be his emotional punching bag to take out all his frustrations on. I know he’s under stress at the moment because his father is seriously ill so I’m making allowances, but he says I’m constantly attacking him and don’t support him. He even accused me of having someone listen in on our conversation. Baffling to say the least! 

I want to try one more time to see if I can turn this around in some way. I love him and when he‘s nice he can be the loveliest person, although if I‘m honest Mr Hyde is never, ever far away. I’ve just started to read about communication and validating, etc, but it’s difficult to know if I’m saying or not saying the right things. Could someone please tell me if the following is ok to send to him in a last ditch effort to stop the chaos and be together:

“All I want to do is love you. If we are going to try again we need to talk and not blame each other. I would like to discuss how we can settle our differences and move forward. I can offer you love, care, consistency, security and commitment. Can you offer the same? If so, let’s talk. If not, it will hurt for a while, but let’s wish each other well and move on“.

Is this all futile? I don't know what else to do.

[Thread]

First off. I would have ran knowing what I know now. However I am very committed to this relationship now due to outside factors (our business.) It only gets harder as the commitment progresses (marriage, moving in together, kids)

Second. You will be pounding your head into a brick wall if you try to talk any kind of emotional sense into a BPD. I do it again and again and again. He says yes, okay, uh-huh... .however apology after apology on the same matters, I have finally realized they are empty and he does not get it.

For example: I have had uplifting conversations about him in front of him to others, minutes after they leave he will flip out about it and in his mind believe the nice things I had said where completely negative. THIS BLOWS MY MIND

My suggestions:

1. Find a therapist who is very trained with BPD - for you, you will get support and learn skills

2. If you really can't see yourself without this person in your life research DBT therapy, get him in it (this may be VERY VERY hard to make happen, I have had to threaten to leave because he promised he would go and never did) He goes weekly to regular therapy and has not called  the DBT center back   expect hefty medical costs for this and like mine its a weekly meeting and long-term.

3. Remember to love you, love yourself, because it is easy to become all consumed by the BPD where nothing is ever good enough. Really start learning in therapy to assert your boundaries. (this is VERY important).

4. Really think about the reality of this disorder. It doesn't just go away. I'm going to be very honest with you and let you know being with a BPD can cause a galore of health issues in yourself (anxiety, depression, PTSD, rashes, acne, migraines, grinding of teeth, body pain).

Just last night I started breaking out in a rash on my body during one of his episodes, and because of our business and a time crunch I was unable to assert my boundaries and leave. Even though I hold in my emotions to not trigger his, it reveals itself one way or another. 

[Larmoyant]

Hanging, I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me, thank you. Unfortunately, I already have the health issues, the rash, panic, anxiety and it's only been 18 months. It's all led to me losing my career and I'm a mess. I've decided to take your advice and book an appointment with a therapist as I am knee deep in some sort of addiction to this person. He's off again on one of his email rants and there doesn't seem to be any way to stop him and I'm trying to practice the validation technique I've been learning about. I need to go for a walk to calm down. This is unbelievably stressful and it never seems to stop.

[Lucky Jim]

This is unbelievably stressful and it never seems to stop.

Hello again, Larmoyant, After a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD, I can confirm that the stress only intensifies as time goes on.  If you honestly believe that you are going to reach some stressless plateau in your r/s, you're kidding yourself.  Suggest you base your actions on the current reality, rather than some pipe dream about the future.  Like many of us have done, it sounds like you are ready for a recycle.  That's OK.  We've all done it, believe me . . .

LuckyJim

[Thread]

My heart and thoughts go out to you

Check out a local women's abuse center, costs for counseling may be less expensive,

Let them know your SO has BPD

It is emotionally and can be verbally abusive.

[Samuel S.]

Like Hanging, my heart goes out to you to deal with the insanity of working with and loving a BPD. Cervantes, a Spanish author who wrote ":)on Quixote", had an interesting quote: la razón de la sinrazón (the reason of the unreasonable). A BPD can make every justification, every apology in the world and continue doing the same unreasonable things, same hurtful things over and over again. In one respect, you are lucky with your BPD. You've gotten an apology or two. Mine has never apologized. At least, in your situation, he has admitted it and apologized, although he continues being cruel. That is a minor step, but an important one.

Yes, therapy can be very helpful for the both of you, and based on his commitment to it, it can be helpful for the both of you. In my situation however, I have tried and tried to convince her about the importance of the both of us having couple therapy, but she says she is too busy and has too many problems of her own in order to try couple therapy. I think what threw her off once about 6 years ago, I was having some sort of panic attack. She was worried about me. So, she went to the doctor with me. I checked out to be fine. The doctor asked if anything else was bothering me, and I started crying in front of her and the doctor and admitted that she has placed a lot of stress onto me. He had too many other people to see and suggested therapy. We walked out the door, but she never wanted to pursue therapy together.

I am sorry for the digression, but the two of you need to work together to make your relationship be better, if you wish and if he wishes. Like Hanging said, if you do not have joint obligations with kids, finances, and business along with not being married, then, it is going to be relatively easier to let go of him. As they say, there are a lot of kindhearted people out there, and you sound like a kindhearted person. Please do take care of yourself!