I am one with BPD

[bpdsick]

I am one with BPD and by reading this thread I fear I am in the hater phase against my hubby. I do not wish to be this way or make him feel this way. Unfortunately, I get so caught up in my emotions I am strictly in that state of mind. I don't feel it's fair to him to endure my intensity. I was hoping someone could shed some light on what it's like to be on the opposite side of the fence, in hopes I can gain understanding and redirect my thought process to be more rational and logical into handling any issues in our relationship so he can also be validated and it's not just me stating constant demands that he cannot reach for my selfish self-involvement to how I'm feeling.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stalwart]

Hey BPD:

I’m glad you had the courage to come out and talk.

Start by saying, I really feel for the desperateness that you feel when you’re in the situation you recognize above. I’ve watched my wife suffer through these times far too many times in the past and the hurt it’s brought to her.

The real good thing is that you have a real awareness and mindfulness about the situation and understand that it is really difficult for you to control in any way when it does feel so desperate to you. That’s a great start to finding some type of solution already and for that reason you’re way ahead of some others who struggle with this.

As much as you say “I don’t feel it’s fair to him” I’m equally sure it isn’t any fairer to yourself because the bottom line really is that it isn’t something you really want to do. I do understand how difficult it is to control when your emotions overtake a situation, especially when perhaps you don't feel listened to or understood.

We all play a part in the dance we call our relationships BPD. Hey sometimes we don’t get the steps right is because we just aren’t aware of what they are and how to do them well. Really most of the problems are either out of an ‘ignorance’ of what to do or a misunderstanding of what that is while we’re still going through the moves on the dance floor. It’s all about learning how to dance together and bridging the gaps in what we don’t understand about one another.

Question BPD. What kind of situations do you think brings you to the emotional state of reacting that way. What brings on the feelings you get that result in that?

As far as "selfish self-involvement" goes I’m not certain that’s the terms I’d use to describe the need. I can tell you one thing for certain, if I were injured or harmed in some way that cut as deeply as you feel hurt, I’d be jumping up and down trying in any way I could to shake off the initial pain as well. That’s not selfish, that’s just a natural instinct to pain.

[an0ught]

Hi BPDsick,

I am one with BPD and by reading this thread I fear I am in the hater phase against my hubby. I do not wish to be this way or make him feel this way. Unfortunately, I get so caught up in my emotions I am strictly in that state of mind. I don't feel it's fair to him to endure my intensity. I was hoping someone could shed some light on what it's like to be on the opposite side of the fence, in hopes I can gain understanding and redirect my thought process to be more rational and logical into handling any issues in our relationship so he can also be validated and it's not just me stating constant demands that he cannot reach for my selfish self-involvement to how I'm feeling.

I commend you for trying to work on the situation from your side  . Using the time when you are calmer to think and plan is wise! It would help to have systematic and continuous guidance for that. I would strongly encourage you to seek out a therapist who has experience working with pwBPD. That would certainly off-load a big weight from BF on professional shoulders and give both of you more breathing space in your relationship.

"How is it on the opposite side of the fence?" - well, you got a whole board of that here of people exactly struggling with that. IN A CALM PERIOD maybe you can browse this, the Staying Board. But be aware that most of the topics can be triggering for you. Generally we don't recommend pwBPD reading here much for that very reason.

I don't feel it's fair to him to endure my intensity.

The intensity certainly can hurt. But then the intensity was always a part of you and also defines you. Learning how to turn it down at times and to manage it is critical for you. Keep in mind that your intensity can also be your greatest strength. You don't have to become a different person. Unmanaged however it is a certainly causing trouble.

in hopes I can gain understanding and redirect my thought process to be more rational and logical into handling any issues in our relationship so he can also be validated and it's not just me stating constant demands that he cannot reach for my selfish self-involvement to how I'm feeling.

Your challenge is that reason takes the backseat at times. What you need is skills and practice, practice and practice. DBT is providing that sort of training. Your BF certainly can also benefit from some skills. Point him to this board and tell him to sign up anonymous and not tell you his handle even when you get intense  . When you want to work with him maybe it helps if both of you work together through the "The high conflict couple" which is a book focused on validating communication especially with pwBPD. It would also help if your BF gets a different T to support him. At times we need intense support  

[takingandsending]

 

Hi BPDsick.

I just wanted to say hello, and thanks for posting. It takes a lot of courage for you to ask for help. Your BF is lucky that you are willing to ask this type of question. I just want to encourage you on your healing journey and hope that you both get the support you need to work things out. 

[ColdEthyl]

Hello and welcome! 

My dBPDh is self-aware, and I know it's hard for him because he doesn't mean to react to his feelings all of the time, and it's exhausting for him. I cannot fully understand, but I see his daily struggles.

My husband and I have been working on our communication together. For me, there are a lot of times where I say something, but it makes him feel like I meant something negative. It's frustrating trying to communicate on my end, because sometimes it feels like we are speaking different languages.

Lately we have been working on how to effectively communicate what each other's needs are and what we mean with our statements. If you look at some of the lessons on here, I believe using SET for all parties involved is a good first step.