Want to break NC

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I want to break NC. I miss them so much.

[Beach_Babe]

I want to break NC. I miss them so much.

[blissful_camper]

First here's a (( hug )).    We understand what a difficult and painful process NC can be particularly when the desire for relief from that pain is so strong. I'm two years out this summer and life really does get better, much better, if you give it a chance.  If we stuck our hand onto a hot burner we would immediately pull away and seek relief for our injury.  We might seek cold water and ice cubes to relieve the pain.  However we wouldn't return to that hot burner that caused us pain.  You miss your ex and that is natural.  It hurts missing someone we love. 

Whenever I felt I wanted to break NC I asked myself to wait 24 hours.  When 24 hours passed I asked myself to wait another 24 hours to see how I felt at 48 hours.  Often, by the next day, the feeling that I wanted contact lessened a bit.  I'm so sorry that you're going through this. 

What would you tell him if you could speak with him?  Can you share those thoughts on the forum?  Perhaps expressing them here will help you maintain NC.  Whatever you decide to do, we support you. 

[Beach_Babe]

I would want to tell him how much I love and miss him =(  I'm so pathetic

I'd also want to tell him I will never forget him.

[Fr4nz]

I would want to tell him how much I love and miss him =(  I'm so pathetic

I'd also want to tell him I will never forget him.

Unfortunately, this behaviour makes a BPD distance him/her-self after the end of the devaluation phase.

Stay N/C please... .N/C is logical even in the case you want him back... .

If he really cares about you, he will come back at some point in the future... .there's nothing you can do now.

A big hug  

[valet]

Hey Beach_Babe, I understand what you're going through. Maintaining NC (if it is what you believe will ultimately be best for you) is a real test. Not doing what we want to do can be very painful.

I had to block my ex on just about everything and delete her number from my phone for a few months before I was ready for any kind of contact.

Remember this though, you are going through withdrawal, and your ex is the substance of choice. Stay strong and those urges will evaporate. If you end up wanting a friendship for different reasons in the future, you will have to approach that situation as it comes.

I know that you will eventually get to the point that you don't want your ex back. The rose-tinted glasses will have come off and you'll see that you're much better off with someone more stable!

You can do this. Stay strong; stay busy. Give yourself the time and space to evaluate your own life. The rest will fall into place after that.

[WhatJustHappened?]

I would want to tell him how much I love and miss him =(  I'm so pathetic

I'd also want to tell him I will never forget him.

You're not pathetic... .you're a rational human. Your ex is not. When I miss my ex, I revisit my list of cruel things she did to remind me of what I left. It helps.

Stay strong - sometimes getting off the ex drug is hard to do. You will appreciate your strength much more later down the road.

[Beach_Babe]

Fr4nz: But when? Is it fair for him to decide a year, two years from now to waltz back in and disrupt my life after I've moved on? By then it will be too late.

Valet: whatever happened with your ex?

[Beach_Babe]

Whatjusthappened:  Love the username. How long have you been NC?

[valet]

Valet: whatever happened with your ex?

We've had fairly limited, closed-off contact that hasn't really resembled a real friendship of any kind thus far.

I had a rough couple of weeks, struggling with anger, self-doubt about my own future, and self-trust.

I realized that I don't trust her in the context of a friend-based relationship due to residual behavioral patterns from the romantic relationship. I don't want her back in that context; there are better people out there for me (more compatible people). I do, however, want her to be a friend. A real friend.

We're meeting on Friday, and I plan on telling her this. I want to rebuild trust with her and have a real friendship. Ball's in her court after that. Either way, I will accept the results. But I'm thinking they will be much more positive than negative. She is a reasonable person outside of a deep, intimate context. And now, after learning about BPD, I probably have a better understanding of her than she has of herself.

[jhkbuzz]

Valet: whatever happened with your ex?

We've had fairly limited, closed-off contact that hasn't really resembled a real friendship of any kind thus far.

I had a rough couple of weeks, struggling with anger, self-doubt about my own future, and self-trust.

I realized that I don't trust her in the context of a friend-based relationship due to residual behavioral patterns from the romantic relationship. I don't want her back in that context; there are better people out there for me (more compatible people). I do, however, want her to be a friend. A real friend.

We're meeting on Friday, and I plan on telling her this. I want to rebuild trust with her and have a real friendship. Ball's in her court after that. Either way, I will accept the results. But I'm thinking they will be much more positive than negative. She is a reasonable person outside of a deep, intimate context. And now, after learning about BPD, I probably have a better understanding of her than she has of herself.

Would like to hear how that goes, Valet.

[BorisAcusio]

Valet: whatever happened with your ex?

We've had fairly limited, closed-off contact that hasn't really resembled a real friendship of any kind thus far.

I had a rough couple of weeks, struggling with anger, self-doubt about my own future, and self-trust.

I realized that I don't trust her in the context of a friend-based relationship due to residual behavioral patterns from the romantic relationship. I don't want her back in that context; there are better people out there for me (more compatible people). I do, however, want her to be a friend. A real friend.

We're meeting on Friday, and I plan on telling her this. I want to rebuild trust with her and have a real friendship. Ball's in her court after that. Either way, I will accept the results. But I'm thinking they will be much more positive than negative. She is a reasonable person outside of a deep, intimate context. And now, after learning about BPD, I probably have a better understanding of her than she has of herself.

I suggest you to read old threads about friendship with pwBPD. I haven't seen a single success story in the 1,5 years I spent here, just more pain down the road.

[Hadlee]

I suggest you to read old threads about friendship with pwBPD. I haven't seen a single success story in the 1,5 years I spent here, just more pain down the road.

Couldn't agree more with that.  I'm here to tell the story of a failed friendship with a pwBPD.  The pain is just as great if you have a friendship with them.  In my experience, it doesn't work, I'm afraid.

[BorisAcusio]

I suggest you to read old threads about friendship with pwBPD. I haven't seen a single success story in the 1,5 years I spent here, just more pain down the road.

Couldn't agree more with that.  I'm here to tell the story of a failed friendship with a pwBPD.  The pain is just as great if you have a friendship with them.  In my experience, it doesn't work, I'm afraid.

Everyone needs make their own conclusion. If you dig deeper, you can see that these interactions are not about genuine friendship.

Certain personalities continue to return over and over again to interact with a Borderline due to their own childhood issues. People stay in abusive situations because they are vaguely familiar with the voicelessness from childhood which they have repressed. The Borderline becomes a cipher that unlocks that Pandora's Box of memories. This person, the attachment, is a Fata Morgana.

For many people, a failed attachment to a Borderline gives them a mystery to solve. This can keep some people in obsessive engagement. Are they being treated better? No. There are no happy endings here.  A friendship or relationship with a Borderline can also give people exactly what they secretly feel they deserve but outwardly deny. They will return over and over again to attempt to extract their self esteem from the Borderline attachment. None of this is healthy.

[Fr4nz]

Fr4nz: But when? Is it fair for him to decide a year, two years from now to waltz back in and disrupt my life after I've moved on? By then it will be too late.

Babe,

fact is, you need to reason rationally to analyze the situation from a logical point of view.

I fully understand you anyway, since I was in the same place few weeks ago. I still deeply miss my ex up to this day.

BUT: you need to be in control of the situation, because only when you're in control of your emotions and you slowly put the pieces of the puzzle tougheter, you can really heal and decide what's best for you; and the only tool through which you can achieve this is no contact. It's painful, especially in the beginning, BUT, as you will realize with time, it's the most powerful and useful tool you can use when coping with the end of a relationship with a BPD.

Just think about this: is it really worth to keep contacting your ex if he's still blaming and devauling you? Why you want to keep contacting him? One part of the thurth is that you love him... .the other part is that you want validation.

So, the answer is: NO. If you try to keep contacting him will only worsen the situation and increase your pain... .stay NC at all costs!

ALSO: read carefully 2010's quote reported by BorisAcusio... .there are some great thruths in it (even if it is possible that it is still too early for you to understand/accept them). Personally, the highlighted part in the quote was quite true for me:

For many people, a failed attachment to a Borderline gives them a mystery to solve. This can keep some people in obsessive engagement. Are they being treated better? No. There are no happy endings here.  A friendship or relationship with a Borderline can also give people exactly what they secretly feel they deserve but outwardly deny. They will return over and over again to attempt to extract their self esteem from the Borderline attachment. None of this is healthy.

Your self-esteem is something you have to find by yourself and by staying with healty people (and this includes coming here on the boards ). And, you deserve a person who does not create so much drama in your life. We have only one life! A big hug  

[Hadlee]

Everyone needs make their own conclusion. If you dig deeper, you can see that these interactions are not about genuine friendship.

For many people, a failed attachment to a Borderline gives them a mystery to solve. This can keep some people in obsessive engagement. Are they being treated better? No. There are no happy endings here.  A friendship or relationship with a Borderline can also give people exactly what they secretly feel they deserve but outwardly deny. They will return over and over again to attempt to extract their self esteem from the Borderline attachment. None of this is healthy.

WOW!  That is absolutely spot on.  Thanks for posting that quote  

[zipline]

Everyone needs make their own conclusion. If you dig deeper, you can see that these interactions are not about genuine friendship.

For many people, a failed attachment to a Borderline gives them a mystery to solve. This can keep some people in obsessive engagement. Are they being treated better? No. There are no happy endings here.  A friendship or relationship with a Borderline can also give people exactly what they secretly feel they deserve but outwardly deny. They will return over and over again to attempt to extract their self esteem from the Borderline attachment. None of this is healthy.

WOW!  That is absolutely spot on.  Thanks for posting that quote  

Yeah. Thank you. Spot on. 

[valet]

Would like to hear how that goes, Valet.

Will do.

I suggest you to read old threads about friendship with pwBPD. I haven't seen a single success story in the 1,5 years I spent here, just more pain down the road.

I already have. I know the emotional risks, and I believe that I know how to separate myself from any of the consequences. Do I have doubts? Absolutely.

Thing is, people always have doubts about the things that they care about it. If the risk turns into a failure, then I will not handle it any different than I would with any other situation. Maybe this is a false reasoning, but I am prepared to learn things the hard way if that's what it comes to.

Everyone needs make their own conclusion. If you dig deeper, you can see that these interactions are not about genuine friendship.

Certain personalities continue to return over and over again to interact with a Borderline due to their own childhood issues. People stay in abusive situations because they are vaguely familiar with the voicelessness from childhood which they have repressed. The Borderline becomes a cipher that unlocks that Pandora's Box of memories. This person, the attachment, is a Fata Morgana.

For many people, a failed attachment to a Borderline gives them a mystery to solve. This can keep some people in obsessive engagement. Are they being treated better? No. There are no happy endings here.  A friendship or relationship with a Borderline can also give people exactly what they secretly feel they deserve but outwardly deny. They will return over and over again to attempt to extract their self esteem from the Borderline attachment. None of this is healthy.

I think that the real questions here are: is there really such a thing as 'genuine' friendship?; what is 'genuine' friendship?

We all have different kinds of relationships with different kinds of people. If my experience turns out to be more positive than negative (and this is more a result of my frame of mind, according to Descartes 'i think therefore I am', then it deserves some kind of a chance.

Maybe this is a 'mystery' that I feel that I need to solve. That logic seems valid. But why interact with anyone at all then, if we are unable to learn things from people? I will not let my mental health be dictated by one person, no matter my relationship to them. Have things changed? Yes, of course. It's because of this fact, however, that I feel I need to test the waters here.

Remember, this is my decision. The leaving board probably isn't the best place to talk about it, due to our inherent bias. But please, only hearing of negative consequences won't benefit me at all! I appreciate the awareness that these warnings provide, and I'm empathetic as to why different people have their beliefs. The truth, however it may be, is that I am entitled to my own as well.

If it drifts away, it drifts way. If it doesn't, well then that's fine too.

Ahhhhhhh!

[Hadlee]

Remember, this is my decision. The leaving board probably isn't the best place to talk about it, due to our inherent bias. But please, only hearing of negative consequences won't benefit me at all! I appreciate the awareness that these warnings provide, and I'm empathetic as to why different people have their beliefs. The truth, however it may be, is that I am entitled to my own as well.

Yes, it is your decision.  Only you know what is best for you.  Just like I only know what is best for me.  I wouldn't call myself bias at all.  I do have empathy and compassion for my pwBPD, however choose to have that from a distance.  And, all I have to go on is my experience with my exBPD best friend.  It didn't work out for me, however that's not to say it won't work out for you

Hope it all goes well

[Beach_Babe]

Valet : how do I get to the place you are with your pwBPD? I do want contact; however limited. What stops me is the fear of being ignored (or worse, a nasty response).

Hadlee: mine was my best friend as well. I miss him terribly. I was doing so well until all this indirect contact. Now I cry myself to sleep at night. How long will my heart continue to ache? 

Zip line : how are you faring today?

Fr4nz: all I wanted was validation.

Boris: if not friendship, how about a single conversation of kindness and closure? Damn it just to know I mattered. Why?

[PlanetsBendBetweenUs]

It is extremely tough to stay NC. Once the anger that usually is present before we go NC has dissipated a bit is when the work really begins. I cannot be in an intimate relationship with my pwBPD because there is no trust or emotional reciprocity. If they would act towards me, the person they should have been closet to, the person that had their back and stood by them, then they are indeed capable of anything and I cannot be around someone that has absolutely no boundaries or regard for my feeling, whether I choose to call them friend or not. I would not treat my worst enemy to the lies, mind-games and manipulation she subjected me to. Why would I seek friendship with someone like this. Also, even if I thought that I could be their friend in spite of the reasons stated I would never be able to relax as they would still continue with their agenda and run their games just to inflict pain. Remember what they did to you. Play back the entire movie not just the parts we liked.

[valet]

Valet : how do I get to the place you are with your pwBPD? I do want contact; however limited. What stops me is the fear of being ignored (or worse, a nasty response).

Why do you feel that you will be ignored or met with a nasty response?

What was your relationship like? Who is your ex?

Was the door left open for further communication?

And, last but not least, how much do you think that a positive or negative outcome would affect your emotional state?

There are more questions for you to ask yourself once you've extended the olive branch, of course, but those are entirely contingent on your ex's perception of any kind of future relationship, be it friendship or something more. This again, also depends on what you want.

In my situation, my ex left me because she felt that she was causing me too much pain as things were. This was absolutely true. I had become too codependent too leave her, and although I entertained the thought many times I never seriously considered it. In order for me to even be close to where I think I am, I had to do a lot of self-investigation.

I had to learn to enjoy my life for what it is at any given moment. I had to learn to accept myself, and subsequently any decisions that I make, while also being aware of the fact that I control my own life. I let her drive the car for a while. When it became my turn, I honestly felt how a teenager might feel when they first step behind the wheel. I had no idea what I was doing; I had forgotten what it was like to be single, or rather, independent. For those two years my life had been hers. There was no separation like their should be in a healthy relationship. She needed me always, and I always accommodated.

I also had to do a lot of exploration into the disorder, educating myself about it and why pwBPD act in certain ways. I did a lot of research into attachment theory; I did a lot of reading about all kinds of situations that people have been on these boards; I talked a lot to my close friends about how I felt; I made new friends; I reconnected with old ones; I went NC for a while; I realized that my ex wasn't causing me the pain that I felt (and rather, that it was my own from the very beginning, my own inability to accept people and their actions) and learned to empathize with her struggle.

The most important thing, though, was that I realized that I didn't want my ex back, and that really, I never should have not trusted my instincts from the very beginning. When we started dating, it was almost like I was forcing myself to love her. 'I can fall in love with anyone, and she seems so perfect!' was my mentality. That is not a practical way to approach compatibility. When I remembered feeling that, I was able to let go of the relationship and accept the current situation for what it is.

[blissful_camper]

I would want to tell him how much I love and miss him =(  I'm so pathetic

I'd also want to tell him I will never forget him.

There's nothing pathetic about wanting to share that with him. What that tells me is that you have compassion for him and that he meant something to you.  

What are your reasons for wanting to tell him that you'll never forget him?  A year from now, or two years from now, do you suppose your reasons could shift?  If so, how might they shift and evolve?  

I too won't forget my ex.  My reasons now (two years out) have expanded and while they are more complex than they were two years ago, clarity was found within that complexity.  

[jhkbuzz]

I suggest you to read old threads about friendship with pwBPD. I haven't seen a single success story in the 1,5 years I spent here, just more pain down the road.

Couldn't agree more with that.  I'm here to tell the story of a failed friendship with a pwBPD.  The pain is just as great if you have a friendship with them.  In my experience, it doesn't work, I'm afraid.

Everyone needs make their own conclusion. If you dig deeper, you can see that these interactions are not about genuine friendship.

Certain personalities continue to return over and over again to interact with a Borderline due to their own childhood issues. People stay in abusive situations because they are vaguely familiar with the voicelessness from childhood which they have repressed. The Borderline becomes a cipher that unlocks that Pandora's Box of memories. This person, the attachment, is a Fata Morgana.

For many people, a failed attachment to a Borderline gives them a mystery to solve. This can keep some people in obsessive engagement. Are they being treated better? No. There are no happy endings here.  A friendship or relationship with a Borderline can also give people exactly what they secretly feel they deserve but outwardly deny. They will return over and over again to attempt to extract their self esteem from the Borderline attachment. None of this is healthy.

Powerful, powerful quote.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Whatjusthappened:  Love the username. How long have you been NC?

Not long, three weeks or so? It's hard because we didn't have any closure. She was not being truthful from what I could tell (among other things) so I pulled the chord.

I have a list that I refer back to when I feel weak reminding me of the red flags and hardache. I knew something was really wrong with ex but none of it clicked until I read about PDs.

Hang in there, you can do it!

[UserName69]

Valet : how do I get to the place you are with your pwBPD? I do want contact; however limited. What stops me is the fear of being ignored (or worse, a nasty response).

Hadlee: mine was my best friend as well. I miss him terribly. I was doing so well until all this indirect contact. Now I cry myself to sleep at night. How long will my heart continue to ache? 

That's why I decided to block her completely from my life. I really wanted to move on and I told my self she is no good there are better girls out there. I told her that I was dating and I'm moving on, she couldn't handle this we blocked each other from Facebook. Now I know she wouldn't try to get my attention like she always used to do when I ignored her,this made everything easier.

You know from my experience I can say every time when me and my exBPD got back together she was even worse. The first couple days she wanted to be with me, said she loved me, hugged me etc while a couple days later she ignores me completely. In my opinion you can't have a good relationship with a pwBPD. Those people who write success stories are just being used to be used as a doormat. Do you really want to have a partner that is being a liar, cheater, unstable etc? I really wouldn't spend one second with my exBPD.

Keep the NC don't give up! Once you get back to him he'll be even worse and he's going to hurt you even more. Remember why he's your exBF, never forget the reason why you broke up. He won't change doesn't matter what he tells you or says.

I would never go back to my exBPD even if she was the last girl on this planet 

[Hadlee]

Hadlee: mine was my best friend as well. I miss him terribly. I was doing so well until all this indirect contact. Now I cry myself to sleep at night. How long will my heart continue to ache?  

Oh Beach - I'm so sorry you are feeling like this.  I know how heartbreaking it is.  I've also dealt with indirect contact, which rattled me each time.  But, with every indirect contact made now, I spend less time analysing and ruminating.

Mine has just started liking things on my friend/co-workers Facebook page.  It's been at least two years since the BPD acknowledged anything on my friends page.  So why now?  My friend and I are taking an overseas holiday later in the year, and she has recently posted about it on Facebook.  I deleted, not blocked, the BPD from Facebook months ago.  This comes after I received yet another friend request from a fake profile.  The timing says it all

It takes time to let go.  :)on't get me wrong... .I still get frustrated, but I don't spend a lot of time in that state now.  I have no control over what the BPD does - she will continue to do what she feels she needs to do - I cannot own any of that.  I'm focusing on me, my life and being happy.

You will get there, Beach.  Take care of you!

Sending lots of hugs your way

[Beach_Babe]

Why would I seek friendship with someone like this.

'

I never thought he'd leave I guess.  Your post stuck a chord with me. That is how it was for me too, except the push-pull was spread over am entire  year. How are you doing today?  

Why do you feel that you will be ignored or met with a nasty response?

Uh, because he is  comorbid npd?  When things are going well in his life  he becomes more secretive, grandiose and meaner. To treat me like a human being, he'd have to hit bottom with no other options. I mean we are talking like McDonalds ran out of french fries type emergency (he actually called me hysterical from there once when this happened ).   I  also think he would treat me badly because of how I was -very publically- devalued//smeared/humiliated at the end. This is all speculative, but if what I suspect is true then I am still split black. I loved this person so much. I ache for closure, for resolution, even mere confirmation I mattered. Fat chance huh?



Was the door left open for further communication? Uh no he threatened the police if I contacted him again. But he did this before when disregulated, and  always came back around. This time he did not. 72 days NC now. The longest in 14 years.


And, last but not least, how much do you think that a positive or negative outcome would affect your emotional state?

A negative response is what I expect. Maybe I just want confirmation he is not simply waiting for me break down (as in the past). That it is truly over. Unlike your ex, mine left me because he started to see success in life and feel like a real person. In other words he found better supply, and my continued lingering (though he encouraged it through push pull) was irritating. I went from being his best friend to an abusive stalker and the cause of all his life problems. Maybe life really IS better now without me.

Accepting my current situation, that I was used and he is a narcissist who never gave two s***  is more radical acceptance then I can handle. Maybe I just want confirmation he is HUMAN and did not enjoy hurting me.   Believe me my expectations are low. I know  I am not "good enough"to  keep as a friend, or even in touch with.  

[Beach_Babe]

blissfulcamper:  I want to tell him, because I know  he will forget me. I was disposible. I know that now deep down.

Username69:  What wasnt she truthful about?

Hadlee:  thank you for that kind response. I hope I can one day arrive at the same point of detachment. How are you today?  Any new requests? 

[fromheeltoheal]

For many people, a failed attachment to a Borderline gives them a mystery to solve. This can keep some people in obsessive engagement. Are they being treated better? No. There are no happy endings here.  A friendship or relationship with a Borderline can also give people exactly what they secretly feel they deserve but outwardly deny. They will return over and over again to attempt to extract their self esteem from the Borderline attachment. None of this is healthy.

Your self-esteem is something you have to find by yourself

Yes, with the tweak that self-esteem is something we can find within ourselves; everything we need is within us now.  And even more powerful, self-esteem is something we get to create for ourselves: with a strong vision for a bright future, empowering beliefs that support it, and congruent action, self-esteem will skyrocket.

[dobie]

Valet : I too "forced" myself to love my xBPDgf I felt something not right from day one perhaps an incompatiblity or my gut was warning me , but from an intellectual standpoint she seemed a good bet .


Beach : I'm here call me anytime , 72 days NC is awesome think how much stronger you will feel with another 72 days NC don't let him take your power and hurt you anymore which is what will happen if you contact him .

You are a great lady you know you deserve more from life and a friend /partner then someone who treats you like your x did and throws tantrums if mc Donald's run out of fries

Your doing great keep walking dont look back don't stop don't let him hurt you anymore the sun is shining keep going