second time around

[rockwood]

Years ago I was here, struggling to survive a divorce from my BPDH. Months and months I posted and clawed my way through thanks to the support I found here. I swore no more relationships... .certainly no more cluster b's. I know the red flags by heart. More importantly, I know the consequences. But, here I am.

The pain this time is very different. I'm not panicked or looking to fix things. I'm numb. I'm hopeless. And even though I've faced 3 bouts of cancer without ever uttering these words; I cannot help but ask, "Why me?" What horrible, underlying pathology do I harbor that drags me back here?

Love and compassion to all who are struggling.

[Mike-X]

Of course it is with mixed thoughts and feelings that I say "welcome back". I believe that "Why me?" is a good question to ask.

In taking my own personal inventory, my thinking is that several of my exes had BPD traits of different degrees. With my ex-uBPDgf, I was somewhat vulnerable when getting with her due to being fairly newly separated from my (now) ex-wife and attention/affection-starved. I also have begun considering my own family of origin (FOO) issues in my search for "why me?" -- parents divorced when I was young and remarried multiple times.

What are your thoughts on possible answers for you?

[rockwood]

Thank you for your reply.  Certainly, I have devoted a lot of time, therapy and introspection to "Why Me?" I come back to the same answer, as does my therapist. My father lost his mother in a house fire at 6. At least, he has narcissistic tendencies. I grew up as Daddy's little girl, because I learned how to handle him. I was... .and still am to a certain extent... .the perfect source of supply for him. I am comfortable in the role.

What is difficult for me is that I was never devalued and discarded by my father. My BPDXH taught me that fine lesson... .and now my fiancé.  I am devastated and hopeless that I will ever fall in love with someone who will see me as enough.

[Mike-X]

Thank you for your reply.  Certainly, I have devoted a lot of time, therapy and introspection to "Why Me?" I come back to the same answer, as does my therapist. My father lost his mother in a house fire at 6. At least, he has narcissistic tendencies. I grew up as Daddy's little girl, because I learned how to handle him. I was... .and still am to a certain extent... .the perfect source of supply for him. I am comfortable in the role.

What is difficult for me is that I was never devalued and discarded by my father. My BPDXH taught me that fine lesson... .and now my fiancé.  I am devastated and hopeless that I will ever fall in love with someone who will see me as enough.

Thanks for the reply. I am sorry to hear that your father lost his mother and at such a young age and that you grew up having to learn how to handle his narcissistic tendencies. Have you considered how your relationship with your fiance (and possibly ex) evolved in relation to your own needs that have been met or not met by your father? What about your mother?

[Surg_Bear]

I'm sorry for your need to return to this forum. You have no idea how much it breaks my heart to read your post.

I wrote a post entitled, "if I leave" which chronicles my doubts of ever escaping the crazy.

I have no words of wisdom to share.  I can only say that I, too, am a $h1+ magnet myself.

There are four surgeons in my group. I am the only one who gets crazy women who call 20 times a day, super crazy and unreasonably demanding- and I am the only one who has had to "fire" patients for crossing boundaries. I even have an ex-patient who I fired because she was verbally abusive and lied to get multiple duplicate pain pill prescriptions from me, and ended up being arrested for murdering a close business associate of hers 6 weeks after I fired her from my practice.

I have zero hope that if I leave my marriage I might find someone who can love me for who I am- not what they can get from me.

It's almost as if I have ":)OORMAT" tattooed on my forehead.

I'm so sorry that you have found yourself in another Cluster B relationship. You are living my worst fear, and your story makes me need to focus on making my current relationship tolerable, rather than seeking greener pastures.

I feel sick from this.

Surg_Bear

[rockwood]

Surg_Bear, I am sorry. I certainly had no intentions of dashing anyone's hopes. Surely there is an escape from Crazytown. I just seem to be stuck on a rotary! I will give you a piece of good advice I refuse to follow... .STOP TAKING CARE OF NEEDY PEOPLE!  It may be just that easy.

Mike, I love the initial love bomb. It feels comfortable to me. It's how I was treated when I "performed" well as a child. This time through, I even said to my friends... ."I'm being love-bombed. This guy is throwing up all the flags." But put a girl under a Christmas tree with designer bags, diamonds and a proposal, and guess what? Another heartbreak in the making.

Bad thing is, this time I don't have the emotional reserve to handle it.

[rockwood]

Sorry, I left out about my Mom. Sweet, deferrential to my ND. Passed away w breast cancer at 49 while he was embroiled in an affair she was aware of... .with her nurse. (My dad was president of the hospital) Mom and I were at odds a lot because of my attachment to Daddy. She was in a no-win situation.