Seeking help and support.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My experience with BPD has been a rather short one ... .In summer 2013 I saw the most beautiful girl on earth ... .I was dealing with substance abuse at the time and was in a failling relationship ... .as I confronted my demons and my relationship ended I started to talk to this person online ... .I was dealing with alot of social anxiety : I had to learn to interact with people sober and it meant alot to communicate with this girl who was also facing many difficult situations ... .with time though , as much as we seemed to have good interactions, common intrests she seemed to get upset with me for things I had difficulty unterstanding. She would often unfriend me on social network and a bit before we ended of seeing one another she even blocked me. She later expressed to me that she had disliked that I had spoken with enthusiasm to a common friend of ours about an art project that she and I had spoken about working together on ... .about six months after this episode we came back into contact because of a party I was organizing... .she had unblocked me and we spoke about her helping out at the event ... .she ended up spontaneously inviting me to her NYE party and flirting with me. We saw each other the next day , slept together and began quickly seeing each other almost every day ... .At first everything seemed perfect ... .I remember these days as perhaps the period of purest joy I have known in my life ... .She had told me she had recently ended a 2 year relationship with a man who abused stimulants , cheated on her and stole from her to support his habit ... .She seemed intent on moving on though and very absorbed by our life together ... .I MUST SPECIFY THAT AT THE TIME SHE WAS NOT DIAGNOSED WITH BPD : her doctors were treating her for various post traumatic/stress related ilnesses with Zoloft and Klonopin and she would also use drugs and alcohol recreationnaly ( the legal drug Kratom , 4FA , MDMA , occasional Cocaine and Ketamine ) ... .Things would start to fall apart slowly a little more then one month into our relationship... .Our first moment of tension came when I switched my status to In a relationship(I had not included her name and was clear about the fact that I wanted to be with her but I wasn't dragging her into it publicly as she thought... .I was clear that she could keep dating but she wanted us to have exclusivity) ... .she would accuse me of trying to turn her into an "Artsy chick" , wanting her to be something she was not ... .feeling pressured by me into things that I sincerely don't believe I pressured her into ... .I wanted her to be nothing but happy and still do ... .I offered to help her invest herself into things that I had found empowering and cared about myself if she were comfortable with it ( I play music and make visual art). I must specify that at first I thought all of this was dues to her recent separation and other traumatic life experiences , her treatments recently shifting to Zoloft and her occasionnal drinking  while on the prescription ... .Her fear driven reactions became more frequent though , her language and behavior towards me rougher and sometimes even insulting . Her ex partner had come out of rehab at this point and he had access to his belongins which was still in a room of her appartment ... .I remained respectful of how she chose to deal with this ... .never judging her continuing contact with him and never expressing any opinion about it myself ... .It seemed to affect her greatly though ... .fueled many of her symptoms ... .to begin with I must specify that she imigrated to my country at a young age to escape systematic extermination in her native land ... .fear and paranoia was a survival tool to all her loved ones ... .her mother was manipulative growing up , thinking she was setting her on the right path , her father physically abusive having learned violence as a way of communicating himself... .She was 24 when we met and is now 25 , I am 27 ... .she has never had anything I could describe as a healthy relationship with her loved ones ... .I beleive that she might get most of her money from envolvment in the sex trade but I have never confronted her about this because I frankly do not mind it ... .I respect her in every way and I am at an age and point in my life where expressing most types of personnal judgement seems unproductive and unbecoming of me ... .I have been lied to about certain things but never confronted her about this or sought truth , I respected her need to feel like I beleived "her truth" and she seemed to appreciate that greatly... .with time fear took over that side of me , I must admit. Shortly before her birthday I was lead to beleive that her ex had taken advantage of her sexually ... .I was shown pictures of her breasts purple with bruises ... .she , however continued to allow him access to the appartment they once shared periodically and I would see her less and less ... .I felt this was odd because she expressed STRONG negative feelings for him but I knew of many other people who had remained involved in destructive relationships for much too long , and again chose to offer my support in any way I could rather then express direct opinions and risk making her feel judged ... .shortly therafter though , we started seeing each other less and less , our exchanges seemed more and more insult laden and every conversation seemed more and more trying for me ... .and then she attempted suicide by overdose ... .I never asked for much details but I know that her Ex was present and that he called the first responders ... .she was diagnosed with BPD resulting this cry for help ... .thus began one of the hardest periods of my life ... .I slept with my phone in my hand when I slept at all , I would spend hours on the phone with familly support groups for the depressive and suicidal ... .I would deliver to her mailbox pills, legal or illegal , that I woudl spend hours out of my day obtaining for rediculous prices , I even took antidepressents from my mother for her ... .We saw eachother a handful of times but it was always difficult from this point on , although we were both still enhabited by genuine love for one another ... .I let the situation get to me ... .having casual encounters with other women , in hopes of having some sort of drug like release out of it but only leaving with more shame and sadness . I regret this deeply ... .2 months ago is when all this fell apart : I told her that I would leave to work on my godmother's property for a week , that I wasn't bringing my phone or laptop and that I was doing this to get the energy I need to support her better then ever ... .when I came back the distrust for me seemed greater then ever ... .I was taken by a great fear of loosing her and acted in ways that I regret but I never meant her any harm emotionnally or otherwise ... .she was enrolled into an outpatient treatment for BPD the week after I returned but everytime we saw each other she would seem to try and ignore me while all the while displaying clear signs of anxiety at my presence ... .she would still try to contact me and express compassion for my own strugles outside of what I was going thru with this though ... .but slowly the compassion fadded to fear and paranoia : I was called a liar , vaguely ambiguous situations were reshapped to make me the treaturous perpatrator of some crime or another against her ... .The simplest things like me asking mutual friends if she had said anything about me or if she was doing well were held against me ... .what began as a promise of renewing our ties after recovery slowly became hate and distrust ... .It has now been a month since we've spoken but despite vehemently saying that she wants her space at all costs and does not want to be contacted she still comes out to events that I organise , even going so far as to follow me and my friends when we made a last minute change of plans this friday when we decided to go to another party... .I acted maturely and walked ahead of her but she followed closely behind talking to her friend about how a new guy she was interested in specifically didnt have any of the flaws I had been accused of having ... .she has blocked me on every social media but still texted me at least twice with vague accusations of having left her a voicemail and sounding "in distress" and that being "very uncool" (I did not , for the record) ... .she seems to write me only to call me a liar even when I answer her truthfully , her language can be so hurtful and disrespectful and her accusations are increasingly sounding dangerous beyond the emotional harm they cause me ... .

Please help me with this situation ... .The girl I've loved the most in my life is hurting me so deeply and I want things to be better desperately ... .I want to know what I can do for myself in this situation ... .

[Black Card]

My experience with BPD has been a rather short one ... .In summer 2013 I saw the most beautiful girl on earth ... .I was dealing with substance abuse at the time and was in a failling relationship ... .as I confronted my demons and my relationship ended I started to talk to this person online ... .I was dealing with alot of social anxiety : I had to learn to interact with people sober and it meant alot to communicate with this girl who was also facing many difficult situations ... .with time though , as much as we seemed to have good interactions, common intrests she seemed to get upset with me for things I had difficulty unterstanding. She would often unfriend me on social network and a bit before we ended of seeing one another she even blocked me. She later expressed to me that she had disliked that I had spoken with enthusiasm to a common friend of ours about an art project that she and I had spoken about working together on ... .about six months after this episode we came back into contact because of a party I was organizing... .she had unblocked me and we spoke about her helping out at the event ... .she ended up spontaneously inviting me to her NYE party and flirting with me. We saw each other the next day , slept together and began quickly seeing each other almost every day ... .At first everything seemed perfect ... .I remember these days as perhaps the period of purest joy I have known in my life ... .She had told me she had recently ended a 2 year relationship with a man who abused stimulants , cheated on her and stole from her to support his habit ... .She seemed intent on moving on though and very absorbed by our life together ... .I MUST SPECIFY THAT AT THE TIME SHE WAS NOT DIAGNOSED WITH BPD : her doctors were treating her for various post traumatic/stress related ilnesses with Zoloft and Klonopin and she would also use drugs and alcohol recreationnaly ( the legal drug Kratom , 4FA , MDMA , occasional Cocaine and Ketamine ) ... .Things would start to fall apart slowly a little more then one month into our relationship... .Our first moment of tension came when I switched my status to In a relationship(I had not included her name and was clear about the fact that I wanted to be with her but I wasn't dragging her into it publicly as she thought... .I was clear that she could keep dating but she wanted us to have exclusivity) ... .she would accuse me of trying to turn her into an "Artsy chick" , wanting her to be something she was not ... .feeling pressured by me into things that I sincerely don't believe I pressured her into ... .I wanted her to be nothing but happy and still do ... .I offered to help her invest herself into things that I had found empowering and cared about myself if she were comfortable with it ( I play music and make visual art). I must specify that at first I thought all of this was dues to her recent separation and other traumatic life experiences , her treatments recently shifting to Zoloft and her occasionnal drinking  while on the prescription ... .Her fear driven reactions became more frequent though , her language and behavior towards me rougher and sometimes even insulting . Her ex partner had come out of rehab at this point and he had access to his belongins which was still in a room of her appartment ... .I remained respectful of how she chose to deal with this ... .never judging her continuing contact with him and never expressing any opinion about it myself ... .It seemed to affect her greatly though ... .fueled many of her symptoms ... .to begin with I must specify that she imigrated to my country at a young age to escape systematic extermination in her native land ... .fear and paranoia was a survival tool to all her loved ones ... .her mother was manipulative growing up , thinking she was setting her on the right path , her father physically abusive having learned violence as a way of communicating himself... .She was 24 when we met and is now 25 , I am 27 ... .she has never had anything I could describe as a healthy relationship with her loved ones ... .I beleive that she might get most of her money from envolvment in the sex trade but I have never confronted her about this because I frankly do not mind it ... .I respect her in every way and I am at an age and point in my life where expressing most types of personnal judgement seems unproductive and unbecoming of me ... .I have been lied to about certain things but never confronted her about this or sought truth , I respected her need to feel like I beleived "her truth" and she seemed to appreciate that greatly... .with time fear took over that side of me , I must admit. Shortly before her birthday I was lead to beleive that her ex had taken advantage of her sexually ... .I was shown pictures of her breasts purple with bruises ... .she , however continued to allow him access to the appartment they once shared periodically and I would see her less and less ... .I felt this was odd because she expressed STRONG negative feelings for him but I knew of many other people who had remained involved in destructive relationships for much too long , and again chose to offer my support in any way I could rather then express direct opinions and risk making her feel judged ... .shortly therafter though , we started seeing each other less and less , our exchanges seemed more and more insult laden and every conversation seemed more and more trying for me ... .and then she attempted suicide by overdose ... .I never asked for much details but I know that her Ex was present and that he called the first responders ... .she was diagnosed with BPD resulting this cry for help ... .thus began one of the hardest periods of my life ... .I slept with my phone in my hand when I slept at all , I would spend hours on the phone with familly support groups for the depressive and suicidal ... .I would deliver to her mailbox pills, legal or illegal , that I woudl spend hours out of my day obtaining for rediculous prices , I even took antidepressents from my mother for her ... .We saw eachother a handful of times but it was always difficult from this point on , although we were both still enhabited by genuine love for one another ... .I let the situation get to me ... .having casual encounters with other women , in hopes of having some sort of drug like release out of it but only leaving with more shame and sadness . I regret this deeply ... .2 months ago is when all this fell apart : I told her that I would leave to work on my godmother's property for a week , that I wasn't bringing my phone or laptop and that I was doing this to get the energy I need to support her better then ever ... .when I came back the distrust for me seemed greater then ever ... .I was taken by a great fear of loosing her and acted in ways that I regret but I never meant her any harm emotionnally or otherwise ... .she was enrolled into an outpatient treatment for BPD the week after I returned but everytime we saw each other she would seem to try and ignore me while all the while displaying clear signs of anxiety at my presence ... .she would still try to contact me and express compassion for my own strugles outside of what I was going thru with this though ... .but slowly the compassion fadded to fear and paranoia : I was called a liar , vaguely ambiguous situations were reshapped to make me the treaturous perpatrator of some crime or another against her ... .The simplest things like me asking mutual friends if she had said anything about me or if she was doing well were held against me ... .what began as a promise of renewing our ties after recovery slowly became hate and distrust ... .It has now been a month since we've spoken but despite vehemently saying that she wants her space at all costs and does not want to be contacted she still comes out to events that I organise , even going so far as to follow me and my friends when we made a last minute change of plans this friday when we decided to go to another party... .I acted maturely and walked ahead of her but she followed closely behind talking to her friend about how a new guy she was interested in specifically didnt have any of the flaws I had been accused of having ... .she has blocked me on every social media but still texted me at least twice with vague accusations of having left her a voicemail and sounding "in distress" and that being "very uncool" (I did not , for the record) ... .she seems to write me only to call me a liar even when I answer her truthfully , her language can be so hurtful and disrespectful and her accusations are increasingly sounding dangerous beyond the emotional harm they cause me ... .

Please help me with this situation ... .The girl I've loved the most in my life is hurting me so deeply and I want things to be better desperately ... .I want to know what I can do for myself in this situation ... .

[once removed]

hey black card and

youve come to the right place. i can assure you, whether your experience is short or long, that many members here can relate. so youre in good company .

and im sorry youre going through this, it sounds agonizing. its a very complex and traumatic bond we have with our BPD loved ones. confusing is an understatement. its painful, its surreal. her blocking you but being around you and verbally baiting you must really add to that  . how recently have you seen each other?

fortunately we have some really great resources here. i think you may find this workshop highly relevant to your situation:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

after that, you may want to check out the links directly to your right in terms of where to go from here.

and please keep posting. we are here for you.

[Black Card]

Thank you for the support ... .The situation I've described was saturday night ... .this is deffinitely ongoing ... .Our entire situation changed so abruptly ... .I wish I had tools to understand this and help me feel empowered .

[Black Card]

Some of my loved one's most recent exchanges with me were loving and compassionate ... .she seemed to care greatly about some distressful situations I was going through ... .but all the most recent ones hover around total fear and hate ... .she expresses things that are extremely serious and hurtful to me and that I'm accused of things that I can hardly find any truth in and I'm accused of lying and being "full of sh*t" while not given a chance to deffend myself ... .The only reaction I can give is silence because I am terrified ... .I want to deactivate the fear and hate like I was capable of doing when we were face to face and still shared trust and intimacy ... .I want to react to certain things with rationnal discussion but I'm affraid of her reactions ... .she says things that could threaten me in more ways then just emmotionnal sometimes and I do not know how to gage if she reallly feels them or would act upon them and share them with people who don't understand this diseas the way I do ... .

[once removed]

that is distressing black card. what is she threatening and how? threats should generally be taken seriously.

there are two resources that will help you a great deal navigating the hateful territory. see the number 1 to the right on stopping the bleeding? click that.

one tool that may really help in decreasing the anger is validation and not necessarily reacting.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

it may feel very unnatural at first. its natural to want to defend ourselves, and to engage in rational discussion. sometimes that only escalates things.