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[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Have been in an intense r/s with uBPD/NPDbf for 4 months. He broke up with me 10 times over frivolous things like: having a stick of incense on when he came by my place; giving him bottled water and coffee from my fridge in order to make coffee and being in the kitchen when he made it; not getting a Google map up quickly enough on my iPhone to suit his needs; texting him on a Sunday to verify that the coffee he wanted me to buy for him was the right brand and I could go on.

I realized fairly early on that there was something going on with him and then that it was BPD and NPD. I know I suffer from my own abandonment issues- am adopted and spent the first 4 1/2 months of my life in an orphanage etc. Suffer from codependency too.

Got sucked in because of my own neediness . Feel like I am still in love with him. He has just shut me out most recently by accusing me of "leaning on {him} to come up and see me for my own selfish wants" even though a week before he arrived at my door without any announcement at 11 p.m. !

Feel a lot of empathy for him as I have suffered from depression since my early teens and was then diagnosed with OCD in early 90's. Have been in therapy for quite a number of years and am on medication ,so I can function as normally as possible.

Have read up quite a bit on BPD because of my r/s with him. Know I cannot cure him, but still have so much compassion for him.

Received the usual nasty emails two weeks + ago that he was going to call the police because I was still emailing him. Have backed off now.

Have felt it very helpful to read so many of your posts on BPD b/us; replacements; dealing with the post-b/u pain etc.

Know rationally that nothing could ever work out with him but feel he was/is the love of my life. See the devastation mentally he has caused in my life in just 4 months because of the intensity of the r/s which all of you are aware of with BPD's. Wonder if he will try to come back. Know he has painted me black right now.

Thanks!

[ppb2la]

Have been in an intense r/s with uBPD/NPDbf for 4 months. He broke up with me 10 times over frivolous things like: having a stick of incense on when he came by my place; giving him bottled water and coffee from my fridge in order to make coffee and being in the kitchen when he made it; not getting a Google map up quickly enough on my iPhone to suit his needs; texting him on a Sunday to verify that the coffee he wanted me to buy for him was the right brand and I could go on.

I realized fairly early on that there was something going on with him and then that it was BPD and NPD. I know I suffer from my own abandonment issues- am adopted and spent the first 4 1/2 months of my life in an orphanage etc. Suffer from codependency too.

Got sucked in because of my own neediness . Feel like I am still in love with him. He has just shut me out most recently by accusing me of "leaning on {him} to come up and see me for my own selfish wants" even though a week before he arrived at my door without any announcement at 11 p.m. !

Feel a lot of empathy for him as I have suffered from depression since my early teens and was then diagnosed with OCD in early 90's. Have been in therapy for quite a number of years and am on medication ,so I can function as normally as possible.

Have read up quite a bit on BPD because of my r/s with him. Know I cannot cure him, but still have so much compassion for him.

Received the usual nasty emails two weeks + ago that he was going to call the police because I was still emailing him. Have backed off now.

Have felt it very helpful to read so many of your posts on BPD b/us; replacements; dealing with the post-b/u pain etc.

Know rationally that nothing could ever work out with him but feel he was/is the love of my life. See the devastation mentally he has caused in my life in just 4 months because of the intensity of the r/s which all of you are aware of with BPD's. Wonder if he will try to come back. Know he has painted me black right now.

Thanks!

[Lucky Jim]

Know rationally that nothing could ever work out with him but feel he was/is the love of my life. See the devastation mentally he has caused in my life in just 4 months because of the intensity of the r/s which all of you are aware of with BPD's. Wonder if he will try to come back. Know he has painted me black right now.

Hey ppb21, We've all been there.  You're right -- it wouldn't work out in the long run, but that hasn't stopped a lot of us from trying.  Yes, I suspect he will come back and try to entice you into another recycle, probably by utilizing some version of F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt) to manipulate your feelings.  Pay attention to the FOG and don't fall for it!  You seem quite knowledgeable about BPD, which is a big advantage.  Many of us were in the dark about the disorder.  I didn't know about BPD until after 10 years of marriage to a pwBPD, so you are way ahead of me.

LuckyJim

[alf]

Welcome ppb!  I am in the camp with LuckyJim, congratulations for questioning your experience as early in the game as you have!  Here is the thing I discovered and you may have already heard:  due to past experiences, we are not always attracted to things/people that are good for us.  I totally get it, you are drawn to him.  Yes, but the familiar and the comfortable are not always the best things for us.  You have already had negative experiences that make you question this.  I would not advise you; however, I have felt drawn to people since my divorce; and had things go weird even when I still feel drawn to them.  I have learned to listen to both my head and my heart in matters of relationship.  So, rather than saying run from this guy and don't look back, I would say learn from this.  Perhaps there is something in him you are drawn to that is toxic, but perhaps there are good things and values that you might recognize as important when the next lucky fellow comes along.  Take care and keep posting!

[Lucky Jim]

Wise words from alf.  Yes, we are often subconsciously drawn to a familiar dynamic, even if it is unhealthy.  A r/s with a pwBPD can teach us, as alf suggests, what we ought to avoid next time, as well as what are important qualities to look for in a SO.  If I can relate a quick story, after my divorce from my BPDxW of 16 years, I determined that I valued kindness and thoughtfulness in a SO and searched for someone who had those qualities.  Well, I found her and it's like night and day compared to my BPDxW.  I guess what I'm saying is that change is possible if you can figure out what to avoid and what to look for.

LuckyJim

[ppb2la]

Thanks Lucky Jim,

With the help of my T. I have realized that I am replaying a sick dynamic in a way with uBPDbf. Growing up with my father, I didn't know anything about alcoholism, depression and mood swings. He worked in/managed a bar for almost 45 years without working a program. He was addicted to Valium and was a general pill popper. We were all walking on egg shells around him at home. As I grew up, I would challenge him when he went silent on us which could last from 1-2 weeks at a time. My T thinks I am engaging in this dynamic now w BPDbf to mirror what I did with my father and possibly to expect different results.

This on/off again bf lured me in again after 5 weeks. He has been living in a hotel as his lease is up and because he hasn't been able to make any real $ from his business, he can only afford to rent a room. Now he is finding it hard to rent one b/c of his financial situation on paper; lower credit score etc. I had offered him to move in with me rent free until he got his act together and got a job. However, he won't which I know is a God send in a way rationally as he would be impossible to live with ; yet my heart feels otherwise.

I guess I realized last night after I went to see him  that while he turns to me when he feels totally defeated, he doesn't really have any feelings or love for me. As we all know, BPD's w/ NPD are incapable of ever being in a stable r/s.

So, I don't know if he will contact me later tonight or not. I want to try and go NC this time as he's not on the same page I am. I am the only person who is standing by him right now; I think he has alienated what few friends he has and most of his family b/c of his PD's.

[ppb2la]

Thanks Alf.

I agree with you. I have been trying to learn from this experience especially since I knowingly went to see him after a five week hiatus.

I realize that aside from this on/off scenario for over 4 months now, I have allowed him to take up permanent squatter status in my head.

I want to try and go NC now. I know it will be very hard for me, but it's what I have to do.

[ppb2la]

With the help of my T. I have realized that I am replaying a sick dynamic in a way with uBPDbf. Growing up with my father, I didn't know anything about alcoholism, depression and mood swings. He worked in/managed a bar for almost 45 years without working a program. He was addicted to Valium and was a general pill popper. We were all walking on egg shells around him at home. As I grew up, I would challenge him when he went silent on us which could last from 1-2 weeks at a time. My T thinks I am engaging in this dynamic now w BPDbf to mirror what I did with my father and possibly to expect different results.

This on/off again bf lured me in again after 5 weeks. He has been living in a hotel as his lease is up and because he hasn't been able to make any real $ from his business, he can only afford to rent a room. Now he is finding it hard to rent one b/c of his financial situation on paper; lower credit score etc. I had offered him to move in with me rent free until he got his act together and got a job. However, he won't which I know is a God send in a way rationally as he would be impossible to live with ; yet my heart feels otherwise.

I guess I realized last night after I went to see him  that while he turns to me when he feels totally defeated, he doesn't really have any feelings or love for me. As we all know, BPD's w/ NPD are incapable of ever being in a stable r/s. I am not even sure if they know what love really means as they seem to hate themselves at their core.

So, I don't know if he will contact me later tonight or not. I want to try and go NC this time as he's not on the same page I am. I am the only person who is standing by him right now; I think he has alienated what few friends he has and most of his family b/c of his PD's.

[alf]

Hang in there ppb.  Sounds like you have a good plan with NC.  Keep posting on these boards.  I found that explicit questions from members yield the most helpful dialogue.  Sometimes is is cathartic to post where your head is and what your plans are.  That's okay too.  As you will note, many of us are simultaneously helping at the same time we are healing or dealing with craziness.  Do not hesitate to weigh in with support, empathy, or ideas even when you are dealing with you own situation.  Take care. -alf

[Forestaken]

ppb2la:

I'm a survivor from a 24 year marriage to a uBPD+dOCD.  I will sadly warn you.  It will not get better.  He sounds like my xW.

I'm out of therapy, but my T made me realize that I don't and didn't value myself.  When I started doing things to please me rather than pleasing others (I used to feel validated by >>only<< helping others.  Now, I do more things for myself.

Too many  's.  My Xw is alone.  Adult kids live with me, NC with momster.  Value yourself and just to let you know, you're better off without him.

[ppb2la]

Thanks, Forestaken for the advice.

I know you are right. Just have to inculcate this into my stubborn head.

ppb2la

[Lucky Jim]

My T thinks I am engaging in this dynamic now w BPDbf to mirror what I did with my father and possibly to expect different results.

Hello again, ppb21a,  Yes, the unresolved issues from childhood get played out in our adult r/s with a pwBPD.  On some deep level, I suspect we are trying to get closure on wounds opened in childhood.  Yet a pwBPD is unlikely to provide resolution and, if anything, will only deepen the wound.  This is not necessarily bad if it leads to growth and exploration of the wound, which is what I think you are doing, to your credit.  The process, however, is painful and confusing, at times, yet leads to greater happiness when you come out of what I call the BPD cave.

LuckyJim

[Forestaken]

Thanks, Forestaken for the advice.

I know you are right. Just have to inculcate this into my stubborn head.

ppb2la

It's hard - I know, I was married 24 years - the last 10 was hell.  I hope you never have to hit the levels of despair like me. 

"Sometimes letting go is harder than hanging on" - is a too true of quote.