vandalism, is this common?

[geo03]

Hello Board,

Brand new here, I've posted my story and I am 2 days from a full 90 days total NC, and about 7 mos out of the relationship. These are good things, and my next goal is to work on my inventory.

My ex broke up with me by replacing me. I struggled to let go, but eventually found my spine, told her off and have been NC since then. I have had some weird occurences since then i.e. fake FB friending, Hwy drive-bys,weird spam mail, and just recently my car was egged, and then a week ago my partner's car was subtley but obviously "keyed". Each incident has happened at an interval of 3-4 weeks apart.

My initial thoughts each time are that I am crazy, and that I only want her to be the perpetrator because in some way it validates that i did exist for her. On the other hand my T. seems to think it is her, and now my partner seems convinced too.

My concern is escalation, and we do have a p.o.a. should this occur. Lastly, the lingering effect that all of this is the self-doubt. I hate that when we walk away from the ex that we even begin to doubt our recollection of events that happened in the relationship. If something happens to my car I don't like feeling like I am being paranoid about who or what caused it. There are still times I walk out my front door and flinch because of a sound or the wind or a strange car coming down the street. I am jumpy, and I've never been this way before. My ex was not overtly violent to me, but its like I fear coming into contact with her again, or an attempt by her to do so, especially since the minor vandalism has occurred.

Do I think she will hurt me? No, but in the meantime i feel like I'm waiting around for the next strike.

[Clearmind]

geo03, thats great you are wanting to start working on your inventory!

bpdfamily.com's Taking Personal Inventory Board would be a great start. Take some time to check it out ~ we do need 50 posts to start a new topic - you can go to town reading other member's thoughts on their own inventory until then.

Do I think she will hurt me? No, but in the meantime i feel like I'm waiting around for the next strike.

What are you waiting for geo? What are you missing out on while you wait?

[dah1029]

It probably is her .  The frustrating part is she left you.  She didn't want you.  So why is she bothering you now?  I see that repeatedly for all of us here.  We obsess about how we can't let them go.  But they can't seem to let us go either.  But they retaliate because they can't maturely communicate that they miss us.  And they're angry that we've moved forward.  It seems that the victims that haven't moved forward yet, get toyed with.  But those of us that have and are actively trying to have a healthy life, seem to get nailed with their anger and aggression.  And boy do they hate boundaries.  The attitude is "don't ever tell them what they can or can't do".  Just my opinion.

The problem with her current behavior is that it's costly when she's damaging property.  Can you new partner put her car in a  garage?  Or maybe put up sensor lights.  My neighbor just had to put up cameras that are focused on his car because his and his guest's  tires mysteriously seem to get flats from nails.  8 different occassions.  The interesting part is that he and I share a driveway side by side and I haven't had any nail problems.

[geo03]

We have figured out what to do if it goes any further. My new partner is actually my old partner (yes I made a complete mess of my life over the ex borderline). Just posted my story today. Rereading it and I think omg what a complete trainwreck. Man have I got issues. Inventory board here I come.

Yes the disturbing part is that I was given the boot in the butt six ways from Sunday. I went through emotional hell to get at the truth, and then another wave of hell to accept it, and still a third wave to just detach.

How dare they have the cajones to engage us and with so much spite.

[Sparkley]

Your post sounds like many of my posts... .I've struggled with the fear of her being around the corner.  No, not afraid of being physically hurt by her, but the crazy stuff not easily explained to others.  And yes, the self doubt, am I making all this up in my mind?  I kept a journal for the longest time afterwards, kind of like a stalking journal, and when I read it a year later I found that my ex had driven by my house at least once a week and the more I read the weirder it all was-different cars, odd hours, spending the night at her friends house that was next door to me, driving by with boyfriends in the car and her darkened windows rolled down, sending me hate email when I had company, and oh yes, I got so much weird spam right after and I even found a pair of sunglasses in my back yard that looked just like hers, my family members were friend requested by an "odd person".

Anyway, that stuff is in the past.  She still does crazy stuff.  But the difference now is how I am perceiving it.  It's not about her or what she wants, it's about me taking control of my life and finding strength for deep introspection and healing.


However, her being near me is a trigger, no doubt.  I have to work on not having anxiety as to when or if I see her or what crazy thing she will do in front of me that is so shocking it's almost like a bad dream.  That's the part I resent most, I suppose, is that I have to work to maintain a normal self composure when someone is insanely doing odd things that provides huge shock value and is done so discreetly no one really sees it.  It's bizarre.

I do things differently now.  I have her blocked on facebook.  I don't associate with any of her friends.  I run at 6 in the morning so she won't know when I run.  I try to have my husband or a family member with me when I know she will be at my child's sporting event.  Other than that I don't hide.  I walk outside, play with my kids in the yard, go to local restaurants.  I used to look for her all of the time-always be on guard 100% of the time for fear or anticipation of running into her.  Now I rarely think about it unless I know for sure each of our kids have something in school and she will be there.  The difference is that I am finding me-not hiding from her or myself with her.  My biggest dread is that she is moving in down the street with her new boyfriend.  I do dread her driving by my house when I'm outside or walking with my kids. I feel like it's a violation.  That's something I haven't been able to fully put to rest yet-that feeling of being violated when I'm living my own life and being passively coerced.

[geo03]

Sparkly, I feel your pain. I had been total NC roughly 40 days when I got a bizarre "drive alongside" pulling out of a drive through onto a local hwy. She looked me square in the eye and it was dueling sunglasses for about 2 lights. She was in a different car. She works in the nursing profession, and as I drove home I saw the car pull into a nursing home exactly 2 miles from my house, which is 13 miles in the opposite direction of where she lives. It made me gag. The last few months when we were still together (and I was oblivious to the fact that she was having a parallel relationship) I knew she was looking for a new job. When I saw her that day I realized she and probably her SO had been working there right under my nose it stirred up a bucket load of anger and feelings of being violated. There have been other more subtle things-- newspapers conspicuously moved from the driveway to within 4 steps of my front door (no it's not the paperboy or a kindly neighbor). It's subtle and persistent, but it definitely fits with some of what she did during the BPD "courting" phase. Real passive/aggressive stuff.

[awesomenessdefined]

I got a spreadsheet of "strange things" that have happened in the last 14 months since we broke up. 14 months! I have involved local law enforecment so they know whats going on, they believe me but "it's like trying to catch a ghost" one of them said. I have had flags broken, lattice work torn off the deck, property stolen, solar lights broken, things moved around inside my house while me and my son were asleep, strange van pull in the drive way, drive by's (I'm 8 miles out of the way for her to get to my house) I could go on and on... .

I broke up with her and I don't think anybody else ever had as all her relationships before me were with absolute loosers... .It's frustrating when people don't believe you, that's the hardest part for me, everything is "it must have been the dogs, it must have been the wind, etc... ." nah people I KNOW who it is. Meanwhile she goes about her day with her pretty lil girl scout troop leader, cheer coach, fake persona and everybody believes this cause no body gets close enough to see the real her.

"That's the part I resent most, I suppose, is that I have to work to maintain a normal self composure when someone is insanely doing odd things that provides huge shock value and is done so discreetly no one really sees it.  It's bizarre." I'm right there with ya sparkley... .it's my life too... .I know she os disordered, but for the love of godshe has a new man, leave me be! But she can't, or won't. I don't fear her either, feel like things are done mostly to maintain a connection, I'm not puttin up cameras, I'm not changin locks, that to me says she still controls me, I'm just not gonna do it.

She has almost slipped up on two or three occasions (drove by house 6:30 AM, didn't know i was in truck, came home and strange car was leaving drive way, couple other close calls.

Just like I told the county attourney, "I'll catch her one day when she screws up, and I asure you it will be inside my house, and as a property owner in  the state of ______, I can asure you I am well aware of my rights.

In the mean time just keep trying to ignore her, but yes vandalism is commonplace as we are dealing with emotional three year olds, they just don't have the abilty to tell us what they need too so they act out in these ways, just my two cents.

[geo03]

Thanks Awes, I guess what galls me is that she "struck for this billet" pretty damn hard. I in my misery, feeling like my life was over, made a slow and painful exit with part of me praying that she might change her mind, and actually maybe not change her mind but at least acknowledge the fact that she had taken up a new life, with a new partner and didn't have the guts to admit it.

She got what she ultimately wanted, her new life with her new "mama". Why be malicious and escalate into damaging property? And I swear to God, one thing that has been very hard to accept was the realization 4 months out from the break up, that in the end before the split, I see now that she HATED me, and my daughter.

[Sparkley]

I think that being in a "car" is a protective barrier for them.  Mine will not so much as turn her head in my direction.  I don't know how she can drive so straight yet I KNOW she's looking.  She is a pro!  Haha.  All kidding aside, she goes to great lengths to keep herself hidden.  She always wears sunglasses and has very tinted windows. 

When I was pregnant with my last child, I decided to keep in a secret from her-not let her see me or read about it on FB. It had been a year since we parted and I didn't want her to upset me.  I wore large coats all winter and stayed inside and got in and out of my car in my garage. I never posted about my preg. until I was 9 months! When my baby was about a month old, the weather got warm and the first time I took her outside, my ex drove by.  It caught me off guard.  Apparently it did her too.  She drove by my house at least a half dozen times that day.  It bothered me some, I felt bad for her, resented her for doing it, but on the other hand, most people don't get what we endure.  My husband didn't seem a bit phased by it. My family is all about just ignoring it.  I do, I ignore it, but after a while, and it's been soo many years, it just feels so violating.

Now my ex is moving in with her new boyfriend.  She rides on the back of his motorcycle by my house.  Look, there are three different enterances to his home.  She always uses my road.  Back and forth.  All hours of the day and night. 

I think sometimes, though, we get so worried or paranoid that they are doing this or that... .that it does make us crazy and we see things that are really not happening.  That's why I journaled.  It kept me reality based.  We aren't always on their radar.  I'm sure my ex is very much in a honey moon phase with new BF-she hasn't been doing "strange" things-just driving by--BUT I'm positive she started dating him b/c he lives next to me and because he is a police officer just like my husband.  If she can't have me, I guess she can copy me.  Oh by the way, she is now a "runner." Before I blocked her on FB(b/c she was commenting on every mutual friend's posts)she was bragging at how much she ran and worked out.  I used to work out hours every day back in the day(she has no idea how much my life has changed since her and that I haven't been able to do that for a while now, but I run and she has seen that in her drive-by's) but I can't help but think she was writing this stuff and is actively working out b/c she is copying me or mimicking me.  But for the most part, I doubt I am on her radar as much as I used to be (it comes and goes with her)or that she is even aware that she is doing what she is doing.  She is afterall, a narcassistic borderline, one who is high-functioning, and has a very proper image to maintain.  I think her biggest fear is getting caught or she would be much, much worse with regards to stalking and being more assertive with it.  She fears that she has homosexual feelings-she thinks in all black or white and hates anything homosexual-even though she is very much attracted to women.  And seeing me makes her angry and miserable-she has told me such. She is crazy jealous.  For some reason it's okay that I'm married, but if I have a friend over or a female that she doesn't know, she gets really stalky.  I do think she has some sense to know that she is triggered by me as well and she doesn't want to blow her cover of being so "cool and cute" so she tries to ignore me when around others.  It's when she is alone or has a really good excuse to be around me that her crazy-making behaviors flare.

[geo03]

Your story I think,  has helped me redefine my issue. It's not so much the vandalism, it's the nature of the re-engagement. It's negative re- engagement, and I suppose after time and more healing, I will find it amusing.

And when the break-up first happened I used to think woe is me, erased forever. I think now for her, I'm more like a momento locked in a trunk somewhere. The negative attention seeking is interesting though. She always reveled in her cynicism, and surrounded herself with like-minded minions-- a very dark and bitter person unless she was on a honeymoon high.

I am glad I dug myself out of there.

[OlderOne]

Does anyone have a story on this topic?  I just found two fresh dents on my car and I don't think he would do it himself.  We had been arguing about something (my wanting more space).

I'm getting concerned that this could get worse or I will just be dinged into submission.

[disillusionedandsore]

In hindsight I can see that my ex was always vandalising my property or possessions... .I thought he was just clumsy but the frequency was nuts, cherished things especially, gifts from others that had sentimental value to me,  decorative/novel items I had got on trips that couldnt easily be replaced.  I really doubted myself on this one because it's unthinkable right? He was so good at gaslighting.  It got him a lot of attention and clearly upset me... .Always when my back was turned,  even if that was for a mere 30 seconds.  A horrible way to live.  Thank you God I am out.  I was living with a terrorist!

[LifeExperience]

My car was keyed the same a couple weeks of our big break up. She had been coming over to drop off our joint custody dog at the time and one morning I found a foot and a half scratch on my hood. I didn't confront her at the time as I was trying my best to just get out of the situation. When she gave me the last of my belongings a couple months ago, I asked her did she key my car. I wanted to see if she'd own up to it. At first she said no, why would I do that, look I'm bringing your stuff I would have just thrown it away. And says I can't believe you think so lowly of me. She later adds, it's possible I did it, but I don't remember. As she was so messed up during that time. I took that as an admission. I think deep down I wanted her to know that I knew.

[OlderOne]

Thanks  everyone for confirming  my reality.  This started early on in our relationship and most of the time he never admitted to any vandalism.  He did say he was clumsy so I just forgave him. I would also find some of my things missing; small things that I might have given him if he had asked.At this point I've let him know that I believe he is responsible for these things happening and he is upset and denying everything. This is such a nightmare. I don't know what to do because I am afraid of what he could do.  At the same time he's begging to get back together. I think he wants to get back together to continue the terrorism!

[Infared]

Mine left me for shiny new replacement.

I did not get vandalized, but I did get drive-byes, lots of them?

These people are so unhinged. At one point I talked to her and she was blaming me for her car being vandalized. It hurt... .but after the accusation, I laughed. She had moved to a nice town but was on the border of a rough town.  She parked in a dark isolated area where there is common vandalism from people from the neighboring town. She always leaves her car UNLOCKED?  I do not talk to her in weeks... .and she takes the opportunity to blame me for the vandalism?  (So much for considering how their words or actions may effect annother), Something that I would never do. Sick. My heart was broken, I am in pain, and you are blaming me for her own abject stupidity. Totally unable to take responsibility for any of their own actions. It's always someone else's fault. The stories here are just like mine, and they never cease to amaze me!  I also think a lot of their behavior is projection onto us for their own errant thoughts and actions. I am only guessing... .there really is no rational explanation. The disorder card needs to be played here.