Violence in new relationship

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi All (first post)

I'm in a fairly new relationship with someone that is undiagnosed, but has all the earmarks of BPD (every single one).

Three times now there has been some decently severe domestic violence (pulling hair, holding down and slapping in the face). This is accompanied by "kitchen sink" overly critical verbal abuse. Over situations that I don't feel as though I did anything wrong or instigated in any way for two of those times. I don't feel that he is remorseful, he acts apologetic but has not actually said an apology. More that I "created" the problem. There's severe jealousy that I think leads to it.

My question is this: After this recent second time, I'm feeling very scared that it could escalate to something even more serious in the future, particularly since this is still in fact a new relationship. I'm assuming this is a very valid fear. Is it unreasonable for me to assume that if I have a discussion with him at this point, stating that I really love and care about him, but I cannot tolerate physical abuse and that if it happens again, I will be forced to leave... .that there is any remote possibility of him being able to control himself when he rages?

I would think that self control is there, since it only comes out in intimate relationships. I just don't know if an ultimatum would be helpful or hurtful. I've heard of setting limits and boundaries and sticking to them, I just don't know if it would trigger the abandonment response and lead to an escalation in violence.

He's highly intelligent, self aware (I think his lack of acknowledgement is due to pride or fear, not unawareness) and I love him dearly. I obviously don't want to leave but have a fear now that I might possibly have to to protect myself from further violence.

I just wanted some input. I know most of it will be along the lines of, "run". I've NEVER had domestic violence in a relationship before so this is new territory for me. I also know I can't deal with it continually as my self-esteem is too strong. I will leave, no matter the cost.

Anyone with BPD reading this: If there was ever violence, were you aware what you were doing and was there a wish to cause ultimate harm (death, etc)?

He almost appears to black out or disassociate and be unaware of what he's doing.

[saddened27]

Hi All (first post)

I'm in a fairly new relationship with someone that is undiagnosed, but has all the earmarks of BPD (every single one).

Three times now there has been some decently severe domestic violence (pulling hair, holding down and slapping in the face). This is accompanied by "kitchen sink" overly critical verbal abuse. Over situations that I don't feel as though I did anything wrong or instigated in any way for two of those times. I don't feel that he is remorseful, he acts apologetic but has not actually said an apology. More that I "created" the problem. There's severe jealousy that I think leads to it.

My question is this: After this recent second time, I'm feeling very scared that it could escalate to something even more serious in the future, particularly since this is still in fact a new relationship. I'm assuming this is a very valid fear. Is it unreasonable for me to assume that if I have a discussion with him at this point, stating that I really love and care about him, but I cannot tolerate physical abuse and that if it happens again, I will be forced to leave... .that there is any remote possibility of him being able to control himself when he rages?

I would think that self control is there, since it only comes out in intimate relationships. I just don't know if an ultimatum would be helpful or hurtful. I've heard of setting limits and boundaries and sticking to them, I just don't know if it would trigger the abandonment response and lead to an escalation in violence.

He's highly intelligent, self aware (I think his lack of acknowledgement is due to pride or fear, not unawareness) and I love him dearly. I obviously don't want to leave but have a fear now that I might possibly have to to protect myself from further violence.

I just wanted some input. I know most of it will be along the lines of, "run". I've NEVER had domestic violence in a relationship before so this is new territory for me. I also know I can't deal with it continually as my self-esteem is too strong. I will leave, no matter the cost.

Anyone with BPD reading this: If there was ever violence, were you aware what you were doing and was there a wish to cause ultimate harm (death, etc)?

He almost appears to black out or disassociate and be unaware of what he's doing.

[Kwamina]

Hi saddened27,

I am very sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. Your boyfriend's behavior is quite concerning indeed, the abuse and also the fact that he appears to black out and disassociate.

Setting and enforcing boundaries is primarily to protect your own well-being. Considering the abuse you've already been subjected too, I understand why you worry about how he would react to your boundaries.

To help you assess your current safety situation, I encourage you to take a look at a document we have here called 'Safety First': Safety First

He hasn't been diagnosed with BPD, but does he perhaps have other diagnoses? Has he as far as you know ever gotten any treatment or therapy for mental, emotional and/or behavioral issues?

Take care and I encourage you to keep posting here

[Waddams]

Several red flags here:

-One:  New relationship, and yet you love him dearly.  I understand falling hard and fast, have done it myself, and it always results in something very hard later on.  I can look back on each instance and pin point what was broken in me that the new relationship fulfilled as why I fell so hard. 

-Two:  Physical abuse, verbal abuse, violence already in a relatively new relationship - these things don't get better on their own.  They get worse.  And anything involving physical and severe verbal abuse is already a high level of abuse.  If it's this bad, this quickly, what's in store for you next?

-Three:  I believe very strongly that physical abuse is a deal breaker.  Immediate deal breaker.  Do not pass go, do not get out of jail free, etc.  Immediate grounds for termination of the relationship.  Nobody should have to endure it.  The whole "if it happens again, then I'm gone thing"... .guess what, these people only see that as a boundary that they can push.  It will happen again if you choose to stay and let it.  And while you aren't responsible for their actions, you're responsible for your choice to stay.

All of that adds up to this question for the OP:  What is it in you that is being fed by this relationship?  The situation sounds not only unhealthy for you, but downright dangerous.  Why take such a big risk to your own safety and well being?  Why is it worth it to you?

I'd have answered "because I love her" in the past.  I know now that wasn't the case.  I had my own issues at work.

[Herodias]

All the signs were there for me in the beginning, but I ignored them. The physical violence didn't get started until we were married about 2-3 years in. It started with holding me and not letting me go, then holding me in a closet and not letting me out just to see how I would react. The mental and verbal abuse was constant. Insinuations that he was going to do away with me as well. I told some people if something happened to me look at him!  About 7 years in it was biting my clothes and growling at me, then holding a gun to me... .also holding me on the floor with his hand over my mouth- then holding a pillow over my face! It doesn't get better- It gets worse! The Domestic violence people all agree. Once you accept some of it, it continues to get worse. Mine even did anger management and spent time in jail over it! He now says he is afraid of me because I sent him to jail! Doesn't see what he did as the cause! We also had horrible fights in the car with him grabbing the steering wheel away from me while I was driving! It is very dangerous! If I knew then what I knew now- I would have gotten out! Don't wait years into it and be devastated and heartbroken as I am... .I promise you will be much better off getting out now, before your soul is tortured as well... .Sorry for the bad news, but it is the honest truth. Take care of you- you cannot help him- Your leaving may be a signal to him that he needs to change... .But it won't happen until he decides to do the work.

[Turkish]

Hello saddened27,

I'm sorry that you are enduring this treatment. You may be right about the dissociating. I observed my Ex sometimes did this (though not to the level you describe). However, if this behavior is behind closed doors (or when you two are alone) instead of out in public, then there is some level of control that he can muster. So it's a choice to abuse you:

MYTH: Domestic violence is a "loss of control."

FACT: Violent behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing their control.  Their actions are very deliberate.

   

MYTH: The victim is responsible for the violence because she provokes it.

FACT: No one asks to be abused. And no one deserves to be abused regardless of what they say or do.

   

MYTH: If the victim didn't like it, she would leave.

FACT: Victims do not like the abuse. They stay in the relationship for many reasons, including fear. Most do eventually leave.

   

MYTH: Batterers are violent in all their relationships

FACT: Batterers choose to be violent toward their partners in ways they would never consider treating other people.

See here for more discussion:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Though you are not responsible for his behaviors, it's prudent to gain some knowledge not only about BPD behaviors, but also to learn to diffuse conflict. Take a look at the Choosing a Path lessons in the right sidebar--->

Turkish

[saddened27]

Thank you to all who have responded. You've all given me good points to think about. Yes, I realize that the behavior is 99% likely to get worse, rather than better... .hence my username. I think I am just hoping I can at least give him a warning that I will leave without putting myself in further danger.

Why stay? Well, of course there is the wonderful side of him. Intelligent and more romantic then anything I've ever experienced. Regular telepathic communication and intense shared energy. Ah, we're all stupid in love, are we not?

I no doubt have some codependency issues as well. It's hard for me to let go, but I do believe my fear of being seriously hurt will overcome my attachment.

He hasn't been diagnosed because he has not looked for help. Nor therapy.

I agree that it is a choice and that he should be able to control it. Therefore I have a last lingering hope that a conversation with an ultimatum will set a boundary that if he will not respect and abide by, I will.

It's just scary. I did not mention everything that has happened.

And I asked about the disassociation because if it is happening, then he might actually not be in control and therefore dangerous in how far he will go.

[livednlearned]

Hi saddened27,

I'm so sorry you went through that with your partner  :'(

You are smart to be concerned about how he might react if you set a boundary. Sensing that you are about to change a boundary will likely make him want to run it down with some additional force. Being kind after a spell of abuse is a way to test boundaries.

There is an excellent book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men that is not specifically about BPD in men (there is not as much written about male BPD), but it seems to summarize the behaviors. I learned so much about myself reading this book, too, and made sense of some of his behaviors that were so perplexing.

First and foremost, have a safety plan. Trust your instincts, they're good.

We're here for you. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. 

LnL

[Loosestrife]

Hi

This is as serious as it gets when it comes to danger in these types of relationship. I had a similar experience to what you describe and from everything I've read and experienced, this type of behaviour only gets worse... .and yes he can kill you!  The only way to deal with this is to leave at the first sign, or if you can't  for what ever reason, then tell him this is a deal breaker and you can only stay if he gets professional help. Have an exit plan. I would register the previous episodes with the police incase you do need to call them in the future.


L

[zundertowz]

This kind of violence this early in the relationship would be a huge worry to me... .my ex was pretty brutal but it took a few years to get to this point... .like others have said things usually get worse in time... .I would get out of there asap before you wind up dead.

[once removed]

hey saddened27  

my heart really goes out to you. this is an awful place to be  .

id like to echo others in suggesting that its very important to have a (relatively) solid plan in place. i also understand, given the circumstances, why it would be difficult figuring out what that plan entails. as others have mentioned, abuse can be insidious. unlikely that if this person had begun abusing you from the time you met, that youd be weighing your decision.

"I just wanted some input. I know most of it will be along the lines of, "run". smiley I've NEVER had domestic violence in a relationship before so this is new territory for me. I also know I can't deal with it continually as my self-esteem is too strong. I will leave, no matter the cost."

we do try to avoid judging here. we want to support you in your decision, whatever path you choose  .

[Loosestrife]

I never thought I would be in an abusive relationship, but BPD is a heinous disorder and it's impossible to separate out your loved one's personality from the disorder whist they coexist and interchange. I had a few episodes of violence in my relationship and the only thing which stopped it was my SOs fear of going to prison. I always said to myself that if anyone ever hit me that would be a deal breaker, but I stayed for  another year after the worst episode and thought I could adapt my behaviour and rebuild the trust. I did adapt my behaviour but it turned me into a shell, someone I hardly even recognise. I think once someone has physically and emotionally abused you the relationship will never be one of trust, and you will never  heal whilst you are in the situation. The best thing I ever did was get T to try and find  out why I  stayed and it also help me see why I had to leave. Friends and family cared about me too much and their "just get out comments" just alienated me as they did not understand.

I read a good book that helped me see things a bit clearer:

www.amazon.com/The-Betrayal-Bond-Exploitive-Relationships/dp/1558745262

I remember reading it thinking "yes I can relate to this, but my SO loves me and can't really control their behaviour"... .This is what keeps us all stuck - focusing on the other person. I'm sure anyone who hurts another human being has had some sort of emotional trauma/disorder... .but it does not mean it's okay or justified.

Hope this is useful

L

[saddened27]

Thank you again for the responses and the support. 

I did have a conversation with him regarding how he could not be physically abusive with me again or I would leave. I told him it was an ultimatum. I am not sure how seriously he will take it but I am completely serious. I cannot stay in a physically abusive relationship. No matter what. Not only for my self esteem, but for my safety as I do feel that it can escalate past a point that he would mean it to.

Yes, it's poor self control, but obviously if he can control himself in some situations then to me, the violence is a choice, just as Turkish pointed out.

He is being very loving now, of course.

I do feel there is a possibility that we can turn a page and get past this... .Why? Because we actually started arguing a lot just a month in and then things actually improved and we argue less now. Kind of a backwards thing. So I feel that nothing is set in stone and that there can be hope.

I can't let his issue define him and I feel I should give him the opportunity to try.

Again, thank you for the support and the suggested reading. There's quite a bit of info here I need to read. I feel as though I've just begun to learn and understand.

[michel71]

Hi Saddened... .just like BLUE HERON my relationship took a turn at the 2-3 year mark. With every argument, that gets really heated, she has upped her level of physical "touching" of me. I am going to say "touching" because she hasn't hit me or drawn blood, but she has cornered me, preventing me from passing by her, gotten into my face like low class trailer trash, stuck her finger into me, kinda shoved me a bit. I told her the last time it happened ( and again it has escalated over time) that if she dares touch me again WE ARE DONE. And I mean it. I never would have thought that the woman that professes to love me so dearly would do that to me. While we were dating we had many conversations about personal boundaries and we were so on the same level with the physical thing, or so I thought. Welcome to your BPD partner my friend. If you are smart, put your head and self respect first and your love second. This man will ruin your life.